Monday, 24 July 2017

Stealing another story from my 6 year old daughter #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you steal yet another story from your 6 year old daughter.



The Magical flower tree and the lost letter

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy born. And the Baby girl was playing with the pink ball in the garden near the pond. And the boy was reading books in the house. They had there mum who was a Queen and a dad who was actually a evil King. But one rainy day the evil King had a poiseness apple to kill the Queen.

So he went to get the poiseness apple and he realy did kill the Queen. The girl and the boy where very sad. So what they did was going to anuther place. When they got to a place where nobody never came to.




Finally we are at our number one best friend said the girl. The boy and the girls friend was lalee. She was a girl she knows about everything. Hey are you gona knock on that door or what. Fine fine I will then and remember if all of are friends say no you will be killed forever.

Yes I remember said the girl. Haaaaha ok said the boy breathing to try to be brave enough to knock on the door. Knock Knock Knock then lalee opened the door then she said hello guys what do you want me to do for you. We want you to help us pretend we are dwarfs but we need the wrest of are friends so can you help us, said the girl. Saw why not. Alright then lets go.



It was a little house.
It looked like a dolls house even though it was actualy a dolls house but they didn’t nogh six dolls lived there. That’s why they peeped through the door. It was realy dusty and dirty when they came insid.

Wow this is a mess, said the girl. it is said a voice.
Who said that, said the boy.
It was me. And out peeped a little girl doll. And then anuthor girl came out.
And then two boys came out at the sametime. And then a girl and a boy came out at the sametime too. Who are you said a girl doll pointing at the girl. I’m a little girl said the girl. Who are you said a boy doll. I’m a little boy too, said the boy.

Oo you want to stay here, said a boy doll. Yes please said the girl. The boy was to shy to say anuthor word. Then a friendlly little boy doll said don’t be shy. We are only nice to little children said a girl doll.



In the night they sleeped and sleeped until they heard a sound. It was coming from outside. They looked through the window and they saw a tree that used to be a apple tree but now it is a flower tree. It was a beatifule tree but it was a magical tree.

there was a letter in the tree that looked like a old letter but it was actualy a old letter. They went outside to see what the letter said. So they see did when they got to the magicale tree they found the letter and opened it. It looks like its a old letter. It is, said the boy. It sayed there for a hundred years ago, said the girl.

how do you know. because mum told me. She always tells storys to us remember. Oh yeh. That was on christmas. Yeah. Lets see what it saids in the letter. Dear dolls. We have put you in a copetitoin because we have only five dolls doing the copetoin so can you come?
Love from you school teacher.
[illegible] /accense, said the girl.



They made lots and lots of masks. We’re done, said the girl.
No we’re not because there’s a problem. And what is that. We need help because there’s to people and thats us need help. But who. hmmmm said the boy pointing one finger to his chin I know when she had an idea how about are friends and there’s four of are friends so that means we could go to each of their house so are problem is over now.

Wait wait wait but what if they don’t want to said the boy. oh yeah we could find are cosens mabe. Alright then but if all of them don’t want to you will be killed forever promise said the boy. promise. right then come we’ve got to get out of here.
Come on follow me said the girl. Alright and don’t forgot I’m always the leader. hmmm



We should go to that competitoin.
But theres only alowed dolls not humans, said the girl. what should we do eventhough theres allowed dolls. I think I have an idea said the boy puing one hand up and one finger pointing out. What is it because I want to know. OK ok I will tell you but don’t tell anyone this. I promise I will not, said the girl shaking her head up and down three times. ok this is the plan

So, first we make six masks then we go to the place where the competition said the boy. Wait wait wait we’r gona go to the place where the competition is. Yep. But we don’t know where it is, said the girl. oh yeah said the boy looking on a map. Whats that said the girl. I call it a map.
But what do you need it for. To show us the way to the number one competition. Wait a minute whats that pointing at a sparkerling thing on the map. I think it is the number one competition, siad the girl. It is said the boy.

So the first thing in the morning we make masks then we go to the number one competition. ummm you are wrong because its oready the morning. oh yeah so we better make masks. come on what are you waiting for.



When they had not gone far when the found there other best friend. Now its your turn to knock on the door said the boy pertending to knock on the door for the acshoin.



WAKE UP. WAKE UP. I KNOW IT’S NEARLY 9. I NEED TO KNOW. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?! OPEN YOUR EYES. TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENS - WHERE’S THE COPETITOIN? DO THE DOLLS GO THERE? WHERE’S THE EVIL KING? IS THAT A PLOT HOLE OR SEASON TWO TWIST? OPEN YOUR EYES. I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME.


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Seven Reasons Why I Won't Claim For That Train Company Delay #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Seven Reasons Why I Won't Claim For That Train Company Delay #DadDirt




You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you are more mindful while being ripped off by companies.



Seven Reasons Why I Won't Claim For That Train Company Delay

1
I want my money back, but it is too hard.

2
They are only a big company trying to make a profit at my expense, who am I to get in the way of that?

3
Their time is clearly worth more than mine.

4
What if I am the problem in this situation?

5
I hate myself. You see what money does to us?

6
I should be paying them for providing me with longer storage.

7
We are not worthy to even be on their trains in the first place.


Here's a link of how to claim,
and how difficult the Train Company makes it for me at every step of the process.
Good luck!




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My Week In Self Help - Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins


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Monday, 17 July 2017

My Week In Self Help - Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you try out wisdom from wherever you can get it.


This week I have been self-helping myself with help from Tony Robbins.

This man only ever seems to shout and I love that.

Even as he writes, I feel like I've been shouted out for living my life all wrong.

Which I do.

But not any longer.

Here's how you can help yourself with the self-help system I've been trying out this week.

It's called the Rapid Planning Method (RPM).

You write out what you want.

For me, as the picture above, I want the upstairs toilet seat fixed.


Then you write out all the reasons WHY you want that dream fulfilled.

Don't worry about the detail of how, you'll achieve this goal, just why.

To make these more powerful, Tony suggests linking a role in your life to the reasons.

- Because I slide around when I'm trying to go to the toilet.
CISTERN SURFER

- Because I spent a fortune having a new toilet put in because the last seat was broken
BOG WONGA WRANGLER

- Because the kids can stand on it to clean their teeth, which is almost certainly how it broke in the first place.
TOILET TEETH TEACHER

- Because I want it to look like new because it is new
NEW LOO DO-ER

- Because I want to prove to my Wife that buying the cheapest in B&Q is always always the best policy
B&Q NEW LOO SCREW TRUE

Then you write out the "MAP".
That stands for "Massive Action Plan".

For fixing the toilet seat I brainstormed:

- Find the allen keys under the stairs.

- Reach around underneath the toilet, turning everything with my bare hands until it stops wobbling.

I can't tell you how effective this method is.

His book is called Awaken The Giant Within.

My toilet seat will now take my Giant Without.

Here's my list -
click on it to download Tony's work-sheets directly...



Let me advertise the book with a sponsored Amazon Link so you can benefit from this self-help too, while I help myself to an increased Amazon Associates payment threshold.
To pay for the next toilet.




Previous post...
How the Tour De France was covered before live TV - fave things on the web


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Saturday, 15 July 2017

How the Tour De France was covered before live TV - fave things on the web

For anyone else obsessed with broadcasting, think you'll love this story...

I'd always wondered how the Tour De France was covered before the days of live uplinks from motorbikes.

Seems they were covered on radio, tragically from the back of a motorbike, by Alex Virot... less of a Des Lynam and more of a prototype for The Interesting Man In The World™

"The motorbike started to accelerate. Then, about fifty metres in front of me, lost its balance on the gravel and started zigzagging as the driver fought to keep it upright. It hit a barrier, then another, then flew into emptiness. I saw two sets of legs in the air and shoes flying off. Never in my life will I forget it."

Full story here:




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The worst thing favour I ever asked my little sister #DadDirt



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Thursday, 13 July 2017

The worst favour I ever asked my little sister #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you look back at the times you were horrible to your not so little sister.


Camden High Street, junction with Parkway, 1996. Or 1997. I can't remember.
I know it was definitely too old to make this call on my chunky Nokia.

ME
Hello? Thank god you're in.

My Sister is on the family phone.
It was definitely a year before she and everyone else had one.

SISTER
Are you okay? I thought you were with--

ME
Your friend? No, she uhm, she left this morning.

SISTER
(goading) Okayyyy.

ME
So er... this is a really difficult thing to ask.

SISTER
Don't worry - what d'ya need?!

ME
I think... I think... I might have I left a thingy out on the side.

SISTER
A thingy?

ME
A condom. It's a condom, and I really don't want Mum to see it.

SISTER
Oh that's okay, she won't mind that...

I wince as she processes this.

SISTER
Oh.

ME
You know I wouldn't ask this if I didn't absolutely have to.

Long pause.

ME
Could you... do you think you could get rid of it for me?

My sister takes a deep breath.

ME
Before she sees it?

She straightens herself.

SISTER
Okay.

ME
You don't mind?

SISTER
(stoic) No, I'll deal with it.

ME
But it's used. I don't want you seeing that.

SISTER
I know.

ME
But I can't just leave it there...

SISTER
I'll get it.

ME
Wow, thanks. You're the best.

SISTER
Yes.
Yes, I am.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?


Previous post...
Every Time I Do Your Wife She Gives Me A Biscuit #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Every Time I Do Your Wife She Gives Me A Biscuit #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can't forget that you are just a man.



I’m in a restaurant with my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW).
Behind us is a loud clucky hen party at a table but it’s not a hen party.
Maybe it’s an NCT group.

WOMEN
Oooh look at you! You look gorgeous. I love your top!
Where did you get it? Have you lost weight? etc. etc. etc.

I look over to a table of men.
Table of pint glasses.
One of them is late.

MAN
So I found it then.

MEN
Wheeyheyyy! It moves!
Look at you yafatbastard!

MAN
I know. Every time I do your wife she gives me a biscuit!

I crumple.

ME
That’s beautiful.

LSW
He did, didn’t he. He just said that he is having an affair with his wife.

ME
Not only that. But while he is there - not in a loving capacity, but more of a functional one.

LSW
Probably due to his neglect--

ME
Right, not only is he doing the job the husband is meant to be doing. He’s also eating the man’s biscuits. He’s using up the husband’s own resources while he is there, performing the function the husband is failing at.

LSW
And he’s not even enjoying the biscuits.

ME
Yes. He is given them. And achieving all of this with the downsides of having a greater body mass. What a vignette.

And you say men are bad at communicating.



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Daddy, why do women say our names out loud in front of everyone? #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Daddy, why do women say our names out loud in front of everyone? #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
you know that all your power comes from secrecy.


I’m in the discount supermarket rifling through solar lights with my 8 year-old son.

SON
Daddy. Why do women say our names out loud in front of everyone?

ME
What, out in public?

SON
Yeah. I don’t want people knowing my name.

ME
Huh.
Me neither. I don’t know why. It’s so we can stay secret.

SON
Yes. I want that.

ME
I think that’s called “competitive edge”.
We don’t like our names said out loud because it means that strangers will have one up on us.

Men don’t even say their names to each other.
When they’re out and about.
I don’t know why.
We just don’t like it.

We try to keep all information close.
Because it helps us win.

SON
We don’t want that spread all over the place.

ME
No we don’t.

SON
I won’t tell anyone.


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Getting rid of my dead Mum's clothes. #DadDirt


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Monday, 10 July 2017

Getting rid of my dead Mum's clothes. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...it's easier to clear someone else's house than your own.


Dad wondered if I could drop by to help him go through Mum's clothes, but I don't know what help I'm supposed to give.

I don't want to get rid of them any more than him, but it's not like it's helping having them around in the meantime either.
So they're still there. 3 years on.

Dad knows how they were good stuff.
And how much they were worth.
And how much they meant to her.

Maybe I could take pictures of them.

I want to let them go.

But don't want to do it, like how I got Dad to let go of her manky dressing gowns.

Two of them - which were clean, but she'd lived in them for four years. With the fag burns from the weed that would help her MS. And the blobs of nail varnish from where she'd ironically want to look her best.
In her manky robe.
I feel bad that I encouraged Dad to let them go.

Why shouldn't we hold onto the stuff?

I remember the manky robes so clearly, that's probably the sign they're not needed now.

On her last weekend we went through a shoe audit.

Hours, going through piles of shoes, with someone who hadn't walked or worn them for years. My brain's telling me they're just objects, so why is it taking so long?

The kids are outside and it's sunny.
But neither of us wants to give them away.
I know what you're thinking.

Charity shop will take them, job done, you've done some good.

But she was a hoarder.

And neither of us want to be.

So we're hiding behind her hoarding - for 3 years now - which ironically is exactly what she would have wanted.

I'll make a video of them.

And I want to make it a nice video, otherwise it's a waste of time and turning the actual hoarding into electronic hoarding.

I should put music on it.
I'd like to put music on it that she liked.
Like that John Barry score.
Or Bruce Springsteen.
But that's all copyright infringing.

I loved Mum. But not enough to get a YouTube copyright strike for her.
For a video that no one else is going to watch.

Maybe I could make it like one of the BAFTA "those we have lost" montages.

I'll put stirring uplifting music underneath.

How to get rid of my Dead Mum's clothes, the VIDEO #DadDirt




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Ideas to improve cupboards in our house for the 2020s #DadDirt


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Sunday, 9 July 2017

Ideas to improve cupboards in our house for the 2020s #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you insist on a strategy for continuous improvement in your home.


I’m reading from a yellow legal pad to my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW), who is trying to watch the Grand Designs I haven’t deleted off the box.

ME
I’ve worked on some ideas to improve all the cupboards in our house.

Cupboards are based on the way we lived our life in the 1930’s.

I’ve got to bring them into the 2020’s.

Make them work for us.


I straighten out the list.

ME
Ideas to improve cupboards in our house for 2017.

1.
High cupboards to store gadgets and contraband
(biscuits, chocolate multipacks, PS3 games etc)
Like a mini panic room for the bad stuff.

2.
A cupboard full of tables.
Every surface in the house becomes storage for the 3D to do list we’ve always got going.

Some tools, final demands from the water company, school projects, fruit, earphones, bits for the next pilates - it’s all there.

On display.
As mess.
I want a cupboard full of table tops.

Which itself has a table top.

That will be covered in stuff - the most important stuff that’s being put off.

That’s it.
That’s all I need.
It’s very primal.
I bet there was a bit of the cave that was full of junk in caveman times.

3.
A walk-in cupboard.
So you can see all our stuff at eye-level.

LSW
You mean a room.
What you’re describing is a room.

ME
That's got all our rubbish in.


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LIVE LIKE A 6 YEAR OLD - mindfulness and relaxation from a six year old #DadDirt


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