Thursday, 17 May 2018

What if I am an electronic hoarder? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I am an electronic hoarder?

I have 183GB of stuff on my computer.
And I only need about none of it.

Emails, photos, files, I’m like that documentary man living in his own filth - crawling between piles of stuff that he can’t let go.

I am an electronic hoarder.
But I’m worse than a hoarder because I backup my backups.

So I’m doubling the stuff I’m holding onto.
Onto actual hard drives.

And now it’s actual hoarding, finding actual places to hide them.

It isn’t easy.
That’s why they’re called hard drives.

Because it'd be a calamity if my out of focus people pictures of people I live with fall into the hands of people I don’t live with.

I've got to hide them from burglars who specialise in out-of-date photography.

I am terrified of deleting anything.
But I love it because it’s the one time my PC is even less decisive than me.

“Are you sure you want to delete this?”
The only answer they give you is “Yes” or “No”

That’s because a computer programmer who get a machine into my house is a really successful person.

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn’t make ker-jillions from knowing words like “Maybe?” or “Can we do it after Ice Road Truckers”

I should only get my gadgets from mediocre ditherers.

That forget my stuff now and again.

I need my files on a box built by a chump.


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What if I just don't believe in school? #WeAreTheProblem #SATs


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Wednesday, 16 May 2018

What if I just don't believe in school? #WeAreTheProblem #SATs



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I just don't believe in school?

My mates go a bit weird when I tell them my kids go to a Church of England school.

I’m embarrassed because I know I’m not into God enough for them to be there.
And by enough I mean at all.


So when I get a weird reaction, it’s like I’m being persecuted for my non-beliefs.

If only there was some kind of figure or group of people who’d appreciate that.


And then I feel sorry for the teachers because they’ve got to be good enough for the Government as well as God.
If Ofsted thinks the school’s “Outstanding” and Jesus is like “meh”
Who do we believe?

I don’t know how to say this but, I don’t believe in the Department of Education.

I don’t think we should take their teachings too literally.

I’m just not a regular school-goer.

They’re so judgemental.


So now there’s two reasons we’re gonna get busted, and this is a really good school.
The kids are learning way more than me.

Subordinating conjunctions, determiners, verb inflections...
I haven’t got a clue.

And I’m trying to get them to teach me.
But they don’t want to.

The only way I can do it is by tricking them.
I’m like asking casually “What would the Lord do... if he had a relative clause?”

And they’re not having any of it.
That's not very Christian.
“Wouldn’t He give it to someone in need?”

But now they’re getting all fronted adverbial and I don’t even know what that means.


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What if my wife wants me to get better at lying? And #WeAreTheProblems 204-210


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Monday, 14 May 2018

What if my wife wants me to get better at lying? And #WeAreTheProblems 204-210



My #WeAreTheProblems this week.

Monday 14 May
My son is being confused by an autistic kid repeatedly calling him "gay".
And I don’t even know where to start on whose rights to respect first.
All I know is he won’t say “Oh shut up and kiss me.”

Tuesday 15 May
Interesting choice: It's called Twitter.
Not Finger Pointer.

Wednesday 16 May
I am incapable of reassuring my wife.
I think she wants me to get better at lying.

Thursday 17 May
Men, face it.
Using sat nav is asking for directions.

Friday 18 May
All songs with words about lengths, sizes and measurements are utter filth.

Saturday 19 May
They're not energy levels.
They are lack of fear levels.

Sunday 20 May
I suffer from attention obesity.
I am focus fat.


And if you're affected by any of the issues raised in this list,
All 365 #WeAreTheProblems from this year are here

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Rod Hull and Emu at the BBC


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Friday, 27 April 2018

Rod Hull and Emu at the BBC



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

The most watched video on my Youtube channel at the moment is Boy George on Larry Grayson.

It must be the way I worded it.

But the second best most watched is this, one of the first packages I produced for TV...

It's a montage of Rod Hull and Emu's time at the BBC for a long-forgotten BBC One programme called Aunties TV Favourites with Steve Wright.
(I left out the infamous Michael Parkinson clip, that was played in separately for the show but to me he just comes off as a miserable so and so anyway.)



I went through every show he appeared in and managed to get in his first British TV appearance on Lulu, Ronnie Corbett, Peter Powell, Sing A Song of Emu, Michael Aspel on Ask Aspel, Larry Grayson and the Generation Game, the dogs and presenters Lesley Judd, John Noakes, Peter Purves and Shep, EBC 1 (Emu's Broadcasting Company, Ahhhh!) and Norman Wisdom. I added some more clips which weren't used at 0:58.

Enjoy!

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I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless? #WeAreTheProblem


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Thursday, 26 April 2018

I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless?

I have 71 shares in a national chain of supermarkets.

I am a fat cat shareholder.

This year, that supermarket chain will stop their staff from having paid breaks.

To make more money for their shareholders.

Which is me.

I could sell the shares.

But that's weak.
I don’t think they’re doing enough.


Not paying the staff for their breaks is a great idea.

It’s not as if they’re doing anything useful.

They’re just resting from making money for me.

How's that going to make more money for me?


Why aren’t we charging them for their uniforms, heat and light and falling below a certain speed?

Why am I even writing this?

We should make the staff come up with more ideas for making money from them.


And charge them banking fees on their wages.

No, pay the staff into the supermarket’s own bank, and then charge banking fees on that.

I know I got the shares when I was working there as staff, but they stopped that scheme to make it more profitable for shareholders - and I want more.

No good work is ever done on an in-breath.
Micropayments only on everyone's out-breaths.


I am an awesome shareholder.

I am so ruthless - I see your ruthlessness.

And I am gonna find even more ruth to lose.


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What if I try and get my kid off video games? #WeAreTheProblem


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Wednesday, 25 April 2018

What if I try and get my kid off video games? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I try and get my kid off video games?

I know video games are really bad for my young son's development.
But they keep him so quiet.

His little eyes flickering away involuntarily.
It's too cute.

He also loves it when I playfully yank out the cable and bark at him to do something creative instead.
"Why don't you write a list of things I do that annoys you?"
"Okay"
And here is that list, presented without comment.

1 Take the PS3 away.
I know I said I wouldn't comment but I think this is just a warm up beat.

2 Force me to do things.
Okay it's just a little encouragement to express himself. And there it is. I'm so proud.

3 Play GT5
At least Gran Tourismo 5 has a 2-player mode. Not like Need For Speed completely hogging the family telly and-- I mean this is a breakthrough.
A bonding moment with my boy.
With excellent penmanship.
I think I just levelled up.

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What if I am now a dash cam director? #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 24 April 2018

What if I am now a dash cam director? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if a dash cam doesn't help us?

It happened. We ended up with a dash cam in our car.
And I cannot be happier.

I need more cameras in my life filming us from more angles.
So that insurance companies can trust us even more than they do.

I am now backing up my backing up.

The picture quality is so good you can see the whites of the cats eyes.

I am the Quentin Tarrantino of dash cam directing.

And every day is a sequel.

Instead of indicating, I scream “Come on, we’re losing the light!”


Dad got it for us, which was incredibly kind.
He’s a London Taxi Driver and wants to live vicariously through our footage.

I will give it to him as a box set.
Something between Doctors and The Chase.

He said it’s to help protect his grandchildren.
But I’m not sure how videoing the collisions keeps them safe.

It’s basically a recorder for all our car conversations.
Like the ultimate judge in family court.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t say that.
I have the videographic evidence right here.
In HD.”

I’m not sure what we’ll do with the footage.
There will be no more Pixar movies until every file is watched.

My kids can use it to learn how to drive with confidence.
And swear with vocabulary.

Every journey now ends with a wrap party.


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What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 1 BORIS BIKE CRASH #WeAreTheProblem


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Monday, 23 April 2018

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 1 BORIS BIKE CRASH #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh?

5. Racing Sammy up the council estate slide.
4. Canal boat crush.
3. Bedroom light switch.
2. Lake Tahoe police shootout.
1. Boris Bike crash.

#1 BORIS BIKE CRASH


I came off my Boris Bike at 6pm
, but only found out about it 3 hours later.
This is my number 1 best near death experience because I don’t remember a thing.
All near death experiences should be like this.

I think I was rushed to hospital.
Which was a complete waste of time because I wasn’t going to notice anything until around 11.

I was treated there by the maxillofacial department.
It’s called maxillofacial because when your face is smashed up and you're undergoing maxillofacial treatment, the one word you can’t say is maxillofacial.

I know the injury was bad, because my biggest worry was “did somebody get the bike docked?”

City of London Police didn't just get it back within the hour.
They even found an empty docking station.
They are tidy.

I love that the City Of London has its own police force.
Because you know, the capital's just that little bit too big for the Metropolitan Police.
“We cannot cope with a single extra square mile.”

That’s why we have different police forces, so they can’t take over the UK.

Maybe a police state isn’t so bad.

I’d like to see their take on running our schools.

They could invite teachers to come in and give talks at assembly.

See how they like it.

And we would still have a Prime Minister.

But they’d make them stand outside all day at Number 10 on the doorstep

What did I learn?
Don't put your heavy bag in the handlebars basket to keep it safe.
Try to ride the bike from there instead.


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What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 2 LAKE TAHOE POLICE SHOOTOUT #WeAreTheProblem


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Sunday, 22 April 2018

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 2 LAKE TAHOE POLICE SHOOTOUT #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh?

5. Racing Sammy up the council estate slide.
4. Canal boat crush.
3. Bedroom light switch.
2. Lake Tahoe police shootout.
1. Boris Bike crash.

#2 LAKE TAHOE POLICE SHOOTOUT


All the near death experiences so far involved my family.

This one was all by myself.

I don’t know what was going through my head.

Apart from some high velocity trajectiles.
Possibly nearly.

I was giddy, and British, and just arrived in California.

Our first day - our first afternoon - in Lake Tahoe.

Even better - I went out with some mates who were up for a best animation Oscar.

(I know it was 1998 because we hadn’t seen Titanic and when James Cameron screamed “I’m the king of the world!!” we thought he was cocky.)

Anyway, back to my disaster.
Our first lunch in town. In a restaurant and everything.

But outside there was a commotion.
A hubub.
And some crackle.

Like a good Brit, I knew exactly what to do.

So I dash to the window with my camera...

“Oooh look. Armed police! Right in front of us. Wow. Just like TJ Hooker.”

I’m framing this up - badly.
And snap the photo below.

(It wasn’t until 1999 that they invented focus).

Um, my American friend coughed.
I think we should maybe back off.

But they're pointing away from us.
Yes. And that means...
Oh, right.

It was such a moment of wisdom that I ignored it and got another picture.
An even worse one.




What did I learn?
I didn’t win for best camerawork.


Tomorrow's final near death experience, Boris Bike crash.

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What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 3 BEDROOM LIGHT SWITCH #WeAreTheProblem


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