Wednesday, 18 April 2018

What if Im just not built to be an Alpha Male? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I'm just not built to be an Alpha Male?

All men want to be Alpha Males.
But they don’t say it out loud.
Because as soon as you say “I am the winner. I am the Leader. I am Number 1”
Everyone wants to hack you down.
Only a true Alpha Male is stupid enough to not get that.

So I am a proud Beta Male.
With my limited resources, and second best chances at everything.
It’s the perfect place to watch Alphas running things.
Into the ground.
For their benefit.
Because they say so.

I want to be the best Beta Male.
Which I know sounds a little bit Alpha.
But that means I’m already failing at it.
Which is completely Beta.
I’m thwarted. We're good.

I don’t know which Beta Male quality I like best.
Is it being indecisive or not picking a choice.

A friend came into my work for a coffee, and we bumped into an Alpha Male he used to work for.
After, Alpha asks me for the guy’s contact details, to boss him around some more I guess.
“Sure.”
I pull out my phone to get the number.
“No. Just email it to me.”
"I've got it right here."
"I'll get it by email."
Whaaaaa-t?

Great. If I don’t give it, it’s now a battle, that someone’s got to “win”.
And if I do give it, I'm now working for this douche.

The whole World orbits around the Alpha.

Since then he married Britain's biggest Alpha Female and got loads of beautiful kids in a stunning mansion.
But... is he happy?

Also, if I spent a bit less time on her Instagram maybe I'd achieve more but that’s not the point.

Women moan a lot about Alpha Male behaviour.
To Beta Males.
That’s our job in Nature.
We are masters of the Friend Zone.

But then the Alphas still get the best breeding opportunities.

If only Beta Males were more assertive, maybe then they'd be able to say
“I promise you, I can fix the World in an instant.
Can you just stop doing Alphas for five minutes?”
But we won’t.
And they won’t.

They’re called Alphas because they gave themselves the first letter of the Greek Alphabet.
It’s also the Greek letter that looks the most like a male virile seed.
It’s like a big head with a strong tail.
That thing is gonna impregnate anything.

And the Greek Letter Beta, is the out of shape blob just behind.
Hang on, Alphabet?
Alphabet-a
They can’t even get our name right.

And this is how low we are:
If you type “Beta Male” into Wikipedia, it redirects you to “Alpha Male”.
We haven’t even got our own page.

On the upside, I am totally owning it over on the Omegas.

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What if I am incapable of looking after my own personal data? #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 17 April 2018

What if I am incapable of looking after my own personal data? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I am incapable of looking after my own personal data?

I am completely incapable of looking after my own personal data.
I have given away so much.
I sing like a canary.
I don’t know who has what or why.

I love being data-mined: The electricity company wanted to know my first born’s name and date of birth.
“That's great! Are you going to make him a birthday cake?”
They said “Only if the oven’s electric.”
They’ve got an answer for everything.

They said that in an emergency, they know where all the vulnerable people are.
Yep. They used those words.
Like a serial killer. With the highest tariffs and a 20 minute switchboard hold.
And what emergency?
For what I’m paying, I want them there with a bedtime story and batteries for the DS.

They keep telling us: “You’ve got nothing to fear if you’ve got nothing to hide.”
I’ve got loads to hide.
Doesn’t everyone?
That is a lot of fear.

So, I figured that if I get all of this stuff online for free... with the data I’ve got.
Maybe I could give them even more data to get even more stuff for free.

But now I can’t remember what data I’ve given to what company.

Every time I login I forget my fake details, so I register with them again.
And my details are getting faker and faker.

My bank asked me a really simple question:
“What is your name?”
So I told them.
“Er... uhm. Jehengir. I think. That’s I-t-h-i-n-k.”
“Date of birth?”
“Easy. Bottom of the menu. 1918.”
“And your place of birth?”
“In the woods.
Yes.
And my mother’s maiden name is AwwwwoooooOOO!”

I have created so many other people online...
And they are all doing way better than me.
I hope they get hacked.

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What if no caravan can contain this? #WeAreTheProblem


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Monday, 16 April 2018

What if no caravan can contain this? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if no caravan can contain this?

I’ve taken my family on Caravan Park Holidays 5 times now because I clearly earn too much money and love my life.

The caravan has wheels but it’s static.
Which means you can’t move it to say, somewhere like, a better place to have a holiday.

My wife already knows every single worst aspect about me.
But now she gets to be locked in a plastic container with it.
For a whole week.

My kids, of course, argued the whole time.
Mainly about which facility they thought will kill them the first.

So we went on long walks.
Sadly the bad weather meant I never made it home.

It was so good, we stayed up all night.
Because the caravan’s curtains couldn't.

And the food is all-you-can-cook.
With the kitchen’s generous none-of-the-utensils.

On the first day I made soup.
It started out as bacon, mushrooms, beans and egg.
But with only one pot, it always came out as soup.
We had soup for every dinner.

And I am totally grateful.
Eating slop on a couch that reeks of dog anus.
It’s the perfect TV dinner.
57 channels and not one fresh vegetable.

The swimming pool was opened by Duncan Goodhew in 1987.
And it will be great when it is finished.

I think it's in his biography, under: “My Gift Of Hell To The Future.”

The water was just the right temperature, for a dead torso with no limbs.
Which is exactly what we thought would be bobbing along right next to us.

In the evenings, it has its own entertainment complex.
And it’s very complex.

For the adults, a bar.
And for the kids, unlimited cash gambling.
Rows and rows of coin pushers, prize grabbers and slot machines.

I tried to cheer the kids up by telling them it’s some kind of theme park.

Where the theme is profanity.

So now the kids are shovelling as much of my cash into these slots as quick as they can.

It was easier for me to lie upside down and jiggle my pockets.
Which ironically is exactly how they were conceived.

If you win a game, the machines pump out tickets.

The tickets are currency you can cash in for a wide choice of prizes:
Candy Canes, Cola Cables or Type 2 Diabetes.

They’re worth about a penny in bulk, and cost me a fiver.
An exchange rate so bad that it makes Brexit jealous.

We went for a break. And now I’m broke.


Previous post...
What if they just teach on the inset days instead? And #PowerDaydream 197-203


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Wednesday, 4 April 2018

What if they just teach on the inset days instead? And #PowerDaydream 197-203



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

My Power Daydreams this week.

Monday 2 April
"Daddy, you know Inset Days where they teach the teachers what they're meant to be teaching us?
What if they just teach us on the Inset Days instead?"

Tuesday 3 April
What if I am so lazy my best education for the kids is turning off Google's Restricted Mode.

Wednesday 4 April
What if I'm starting the decluttering with my bank account.

Thursday 5 April
What if my train of thought is more like a rail replacement bus service.
But I'm in First Class.

Friday 6 April
I’m the only able bodied man in this coffee shop, while all proper men are at work earning for their families.
What if I feel like a conscientious-objector.
And get a white feather instead of a flat white.

Saturday 7 April
What if men hide today’s newspaper in their DIY, because we know it will slow down that easily distracted future guy taking it all apart.

Sunday 8 April
What if I thought a Dad's job is to keep them alive.
But actually it's only ever about killing all of their time.


And if you're affected by any of the issues raised in this list,
All 365 PowerDaydreams from this year are here

Previous post...
Why you can never delete your Amazon self-published printed-on-demand book. #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Why you can never delete your Amazon self-published printed-on-demand book. #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place.

What if you can never delete your Amazon self-published printed-on-demand book?
aka Does Amazon have fake second-hand book sellers?


I wrote a book on Kindle.
Took me ages to get the pen off the screen.

But this was weird -- I self-published a book properly on Amazon instead.

It was an experiment - President Donald Trump tweets: What if I change all exclamations into question marks? (And 9 other major improvements for happiness)

And then I panicked.

In my head one night (at 1am) Donald Trump’s lawyers were going to come after me to sue me.

Right, I know!
Even though I’d just made every one of his 2017 tweets so much better.

But - I reasoned - if I am going to get done, I’d at least want it to be for something even closer to my heart.

It was self-published on Amazon's KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing) platform, and the paperbacks are printed on demand.

So, I thought, I’d just go into the dashboard and un-publish it.

It’s easy, an option on a pull down menu.
But you get a warning.

“We’ll stop printing copies of your paperback to fulfil customer orders.
Third parties may still sell copies of your paperback on Amazon.
That means your paperback’s detail page will stay live on the website”


Well, I’m fine with that - the joke for me was that 4 were only ever printed.

The KDP dashboard tells me the exact number sold.
Ever.
And know where all of them are.

So this is the weird thing:
When I unpublished the book, the Amazon US listing shows that you can buy a copy “new” for $14.56
But I’ve got all the copies.

This feels ominous.



“Langton Distribution” says it has 1 copy left in stock.
Even though I have every single copy ever printed.

And it was only ever printed-on-demand.

Here’s what I’ve learnt.

You can never unpublish a book.

It will always be buyable - at a massive markup, possibly to Amazon.

But now my neuroticism means I’m a Beta Male who doesn't know to fear Amazon’s lawyers or Donald Trump’s lawyers.

On a book that sold 4 copies.

So the answer to the question (if you are searching for this on Google):
Can you unpublish or delete a book you have self-published on Amazon KDP?

The answer is no.

But Amazon doesn’t seem to want to be seen to be keeping it in print, even though (for a hefty price, to you) it is.

By the way, leave a comment or subscribe to my mailing list, and I'll send you a PDF copy of the book for free.


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What if I write a book of lists that I use for story ideas? List of 10 Negative Character Emotions


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Thursday, 29 March 2018

What if I write a book of lists that I use for story ideas? List of 10 Negative Character Emotions



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I write a book of lists that I use for story ideas? List of 10 Negative Character Emotions

What if humans are the only species on the planet who makes lists?

I am in the middle of my next book, which is a list of the lists that I use for writing stories.

I'm not sure that it counts as writing.

The other problem with lists is that you're never sure when you're finished.

But one list is ready and probably the one I use the most:
Every single negative emotion.

Characters have a want - for example, wanting to write a book of lists.

But something blocks them from getting that want.

And that block looks like it’s something outside of the character:
an external thing that they need to get
- for example all the negative emotions to put into the list of negative emotions.

But really, it’s a negative emotion which is stopping them.

And this is the thing that they really need to get around.

So for me it's "FRUSTRATION" with not feeling that it's complete, that's stopping me from publishing this list.

And knowing which negative emotion is driving your character, helps you come up with a solution to the character's problem.

Even - especially - if it’s a wrong solution.

For instance, publishing the list on a blog before the book is written.

Anyway, here's the list of 10 negative emotions and their correct solutions.

With 7 deadly sins.
And 3 extra for fun.

Enjoy. Hope it helps.

UNCOMFORTABLE
Impatient, Uneasy, Distressed, Embarrassment, Shame
SOLUTION: Change your state. Clarify what you want.
Take pride in experience of shame.

FEAR
Concern, Apprehension, Scared, Terrified, Obedient
SOLUTION: Get prepared. Change your perception: eg it’s excitement.

HURT
Sense of loss
SOLUTION: Expectation not met or sense of loss. Evaluate if it’s really a loss.
Change expectation or communicate needs better.

ANGER
Irritated, Resentful, Livid, Rage
SOLUTION: Your rule has been broken. Clarify your rules or change them.

FRUSTRATION
Held back, Hindered in the pursuit of something
SOLUTION: You’re doing same thing over and again and expect different result.
Change your approach.

DISAPPOINTMENT
Sad, Defeated
SOLUTION: Your outcome won’t happen. Change your expectation or a variable, like a timeframe.

GUILT
Regret, Own rule broken
SOLUTION: Make things right. Change present and future behaviours.
Change your perception.

INADEQUACY
Less than, Unworthy, Perfectionist, Pessimism, Procrastination
SOLUTION: Get up and do something to get better or change criteria.
Make your rules less harsh. Take action like practice.

OVERLOADED
Overwhelmed, Hopeless, Depressed
SOLUTION: What’s most important - Necessity vs. desire.
Prioritise. Take one small action: chunk it down.

LONELINESS
Apart, Separate From
SOLUTION: Need connection with others. Clarify connection you need: friendship, laughter, listener? Change approach or perception.

Embrace your negative emotion and use it to inspire action.

Seven Deadly Sins... + 3 more:
LUST
GLUTTONY
GREED
SLOTH
ANGER
ENVY
PRIDE

(& HYPOCRISY, COWARDICE, MISERLINESS)


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What if every time we have a bath, it empties out into the street? #PowerDaydream


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Wednesday, 28 March 2018

What if every time we have a bath, it empties out into the street? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if every time we have a bath, it empties out into the street?

On the doorstep, Neil looks over his Long-Suffering Wife’s shoulder. A foamy torrent rolls down the side of the house, down the street, across the pavement and into the road.

LSW
(horrified)
The whole street knows every time we have a bath.

NEIL
Yeah. Funny isn’t it.

LSW
You’ve seen this already?

NEIL
Um...

LSW
How long.

NEIL
Months?

LSW
The whole street knows every time we have a bath!

NEIL
Oh they don't mind.

LSW
I mind!

NEIL
It's keeping the street clean?

LSW
When, when... can we have a bath without the whole street knowing about it?

NEIL
I fixed the blind.

LSW
But this is worse!

NEIL
I know, but you were worried about the people seeing you through the frosted glass - which you can’t - but I did that first.

LSW
This is so much worse!

NEIL
Yeah.
It is a bit obvious.
Do you think we wash too much or not enough?

LSW tries out old sticks that the kids have left around the front door.

LSW
Why didn’t you tell me about it.

NEIL
Honest - I thought the window was the biggest worry.

LSW
I’ll do it myself.

She pokes at the drain.

NEIL
I’ll go and have a bath.
(off LSW)
To test it!
Did you use all the hot water?

LSW gestures what he’s standing in.

NEIL
Oh, yeah.


Previous post...
Like an angry Ex my UK energy supplier won't let me switch. What if I tell them how that makes me feel? #PowerDaydream #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 27 March 2018

Like an angry Ex my UK energy supplier won't let me switch. What if I tell them how that makes me feel? #PowerDaydream #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

Like an angry Ex, my UK energy supplier won't let me switch.
What if I tell them how that makes me feel?


NEIL SCRATCHES OUT A LETTER ON HIS PAD IN BIRO, NEXT TO PILES OF DEMANDS FROM HIS ENERGY COMPANY.

NEIL
I cannot tell you in words how sad every single interaction with XYZEnergy makes me feel.

The thought of fielding phonecalls from it fills me with less joy, so forgive me for writing this down. I’ll exlpain why.

You and I should be frolicking on the beach, or playing in the park, or hugging our loved ones, or doing something - anything - that makes us better people...
...rather than making yet more profit for XYZEnergy shareholders.

And, I’ve said this on the phone, but want it in writing that if XYZEnergy treats its customers like this, I cannot begin to imagine how it might treat its staff, so I apologise for the crushingly dull and pointless business on which we will now spend our precious, limited lives.

Why has XYZEnergy chosen to withdraw my tariff of Blue+Fixed Price July 2018 - XYZEnergy’s cheapest tariff (and the tariff on which my dual fuel Gas bill was closed on)?

Was the final electricity bill set at a Standard Variable Tariff because it is a cheaper tariff than the one I was on, as an act of kindness?

If so, that’s great, and thank you.

However, I fear that the Standard Variable is XYZEnergy’s most expensive tariff.

Has XYZEnergy switched me to the most expensive tariff because I have had to start a complaint merely to get my electricity account closed down?

It seems XYZEnergy wants me to sign and comply with a pages-long fine print contract.

But at more than one stage it does not want that agreement to apply to XYZEnergy.

Which is why I have had to use my finite life contacting XYZEnergy to inform it
that:

- No action was taken to close my electricty account between 17th August & 18th October.

- XYZEnergy sat on my credit balance until I made a complaint.

- XYZEnergy continued to take money from my bank account 3 times after the date of supplier switch.


I then had to call the new supplier - who confirmed that both meter readings left them in their data stream safely on the 18th August - and because of my call they offered to call XYZEnergy and the third party readings company to manually have XYZEnergy accept my meter reading.

I was then told - when I discovered that XYZEnergy were still debiting my bank account throughout this - even though I'd left XYZEnergy months ago - that XYZEnergy are unable to be sure that further debits will not be taken, because the electricity account was still “active”
(Even though I had left XYZEnergy months ago).

And that I would have to call my bank myself to make sure that XYZEnergy would not take any more money from my bank account.

Now XYZEnergy has chosen to withdraw my cheaper tariff for the Final Electricity Bill.
(Is that true? I do hope it is not and that XYZEnergy has chosen to do something nice).

So what do I do now?

I do not work for XYZEnergy, but I have had to do the work above - which 30 quid goodwill is starting to make me feel somewhat shabby.

XYZEnergy’s seems to be making £53,653 per hour in operating profit, and I’m figuring that the poor complaints team might not be seeing much of that.

Yet XYZEnergy seems to have done nothing to close my electricity account for 2 months, sat on my credit balance until I complained and continued to debit my bank account.

Maybe this is why XYZEnergy is making £53,653 per hour.

And now I am down on XYZEnergy’s level.

What’s that about?

It seems money, and one-sided contracts seems to be the only thing driving XYZEnergy’s unpleasant enterprise.

I have invested - pointing out these basics, and correspondence and phonecalls - I judge about two hours of my life doing work for XYZ, on something that by its own advertising should take zero hours.

Have I got any of this wrong?

Either way, XYZEnergy chooses for there to be a detailed contract between us in this relationship - and so I would prefer to keep our correspondence written to make sure I am not confusing what I am being expected to do at each step.

I would also appreciate an answer from the billion pound utility to my question:

What specific actions, if any, did XYZEnergy take between 17th August and 17th October to close my electricity account?

What specific actions and on what dates did XYZEnergy make to contact the new supplier for a meter reading, and why did it act upon my gas meter reading but not my electricity meter reading?

Right now, fate has delivered you the gift to lift us both up from this.

We need you, thank you.


SHOTS OF ANONYMOUS GENERIC CORPORATE BUILDINGS, PYLONS, GENERATORS, CITY OF LONDON SKYLINE, COOLING TOWERS ETC.

XYZ ENERGY
Thank you for your emails of 9 and 10 November 2017 regarding your complaint. I appreciate you taking the time to highlight the error in the electricity bill you received.

Your prices on the Blue+Fixed Price July 2017 tariff should have been held for electricity, as they were for gas. The difference per unit was 4.45 pence; we billed you for 170 units of electricity on the higher Standard (Variable) prices which totalled £7.57. Allowing for VAT at 5% the total you were overcharged was £7.95. I have applied a credit to the account for this amount today.

I have also spoken to our Business Support team to try and gain some answers for you on what held up the closure of your account.

On 29 July 2017 received the instruction from your new supplier that they would take your supply effective from 17 August 2017. On 20 September 2017 your account was reviewed by our billing team as the account was still showing as live when the supply had been lost. They raised a request to our Business Support team to investigate and fix the issues preventing your account closing in the normal manner; regrettably they were unable to take any action on this until 17 October 2017. At this point they resolved the issues and your account was closed to the readings provided. We normally receive electronic information flows from suppliers during the transfer process to indicate transfer requests, readings and meter details; because of the issues encountered I was unable to see these which lead me to understand that we had not received the information from your new supplier.

In your email you advised that you feel the £30.00 goodwill applied to your account is insufficient in view of the time you have taken to try and resolve this matter. As a company we do not compensate for time because everybody values this differently and we must be seen to treat everyone fairly and equally. I am happy to increase the goodwill offer by a further £50.00 in full and final resolution of your complaint.


NEIL STARES OUT OF THE WINDOW AS THE LETTER CONTINUES.

XYZ ENERGY
Please let me know if this is acceptable and I will credit the account with the £50.00 and send this payment to you.


SHOTS MOVE INTO CLOSE UPS OF ANONYMOUS GENERIC CORPORATE BUILDINGS, PYLONS, GENERATORS, CITY OF LONDON SKYLINE, COOLING TOWERS ETC.

XYZ ENERGY
I am writing further to my email of 10 November 2017, copied below for your reference, regarding your complaint.

We are very keen to ensure your complaint is resolved to your satisfaction. Please can you review this and contact me and let me know if you are happy with the actions I have proposed. If not, then I would be grateful if you could let me know what further actions you would like me to take in order that I can discuss these with my manager and ensure a satisfactory outcome for you.


SHOTS MOVE CLOSER ON NEIL STARING AT HIS HAND WRITTEN LETTER.

NEIL
Thank you for your kind reply. We appreciate it.

I took this to our Board Meeting last night.

It was over turkey meatballs.

Our Chief Financial Officer (my wife) proposes we accept it with thanks.

We would like to accept your kind offer and again appreciate the time you have taken to reply.

The cheque for £7.95 has already arrived.

If there is nothing more for me to do, we will await the final payment you outline in your email and will then consider the matter and our business with XYZ Energy as closed.

With best wishes on XYZ Energy's future hi-jinks and adventures.


Neil Mossey
CEO, Mossey Family


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What if all my pants are stripey. Does that make me boring? #PowerDaydream


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Monday, 26 March 2018

What if all my pants are stripey. Does that make me boring? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a better place

What if all my pants are stripey. Does that make me boring?

Long-Suffering Wife spreads laundry all over the bed.
Neil folds his pants into the drawer Marie Kondo style.

NEIL
All my pants are striped.

LSW
(defensive)
It was a hot wash.

NEIL
No -- I mean, my pants. They’re all stripey.

LSW
You just noticed this.

NEIL
Am I boring?

LSW
I don’t think it’s your pants.

NEIL
I’m serious. I can’t believe all my pants are exactly the same.
Stripey.

LSW
So, these are the ones that spark joy?

NEIL
What does that say about me?

LSW
You don’t want spotty ones. Or cartoons. Or anything with words on.

NEIL
What else is there?

LSW
Plain?

NEIL
That’s boring too.

LSW
You like the pants that you wear every day.

NEIL
I only kept the pants that I like-- Love.

LSW
So it means you have no best pants.

NEIL
All of these are my best pants.
That’s my problem.

LSW
Some people only have one pair of best pants.

NEIL
And they probably never even wear them.

LSW
You should wear your best pants every day.

NEIL
Maybe I can draw on them.


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What if someone is up my bumper so I just stop the car? #PowerDaydream


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