Tuesday, 26 July 2016

When you get pen marks off your car interior... #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when life brings you lemons, you make... a youtube walkthrough video.


Another video - this time to show you how to get pen (or crayon or biro) out of your car interior upholstery - especially the light coloured fabric on the roof.

Don't know why we've got pens in the back... the way I drive should be entertainment enough.

I am proud of my girl's creativity though.
Look at it - it's like the Sistine Chapel.
(If it were near a bored 5 year old with a Crayola).

The trick with this is dab at it with your pants - as always - don't rub.

I was scared this was going to go wrong.

And what? I've already got pen on my roof.

Sure, we all love the Disney liberal Hollywood agenda musicals... but how about just once they do a movie called Don't Draw On Your Dad's Roof.

Like all Dads, all I want to do is make the devaluing go down less quickly...
... then we win.

But it's a Volkswagen recalled car - so the mindless scrawl all over it's probably made it go up in value.


So I hope this video helps.




It's the third video where I'm fixing something using surgical spirit -- they should call it "You've got a kid and you care too much about your stuff liquid."

My complete guide to Understanding Your British Dad is coming together here

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Me trying to help an angry old lady not cross the road #BritishDadStuff


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Monday, 25 July 2016

Me trying to help an angry old lady not cross the road #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you over-think your role in the community.


EXT. QUIET STREETS - DAY

I'm walking down the street. Thinking so loud, you can hear it.

ME:
(VOICEOVER) I wonder if I'm too self-involved. I want to be more mindful - more aware. I'm just too in my own head the whole time.

POV: An OLD LADY struggles with a FRAME across the road, trying to step off the kerb.

ME:
(VOICEOVER) She's too far away for me to help. It'd be weird to run over... Probably bit demeaning too. (BEAT) I know! I'll shoot her a nice supportive winning smile.

OLD LADY looks up, catches this, and scowls.

OLD LADY:
(SHOUTING) Oh yeah, that's nice.

I turn on the spot. There's someone behind me, right?

OLD LADY:
I can't walk and there's you laughing at me.

ME:
(VOICEOVER) She thinks I'm having a go.

OLD LADY:
Look at you, standing there. Making fun of me. That's very nice that is. (ETC.)

ME:
(VOICEOVER) I've really upset her... I can't go over there now - she'll think I'm attacking her... How can I show her everything's okay...

I U-TURN AND RUN. Like Chris Froome up Mont Ventoux.

OLD LADY:
(SHOUTING) Go on. Be like that. You'll be like this one day.

I run faster.


My complete guide to Understanding Your British Dad is coming together here. Specially after I've gone through all my posts to put the best ones in the right order...

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Avoiding Road Rage with Air Triangles #BritishDadStuff


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Sunday, 24 July 2016

Avoiding Road Rage with Air Triangles #BritishDadStuff


(Reconstruction: shot in a stationary vehicle)

You know you're a Great British Dad...
...when you're thinking up new ways to avoid road rage.


We're in the car and we're trying to avoid the inevitable Road Rage - so I put on some Classic FM.

That goes down about as well as you think it would go down with a family locked in for a long drive -- but a jolly tune came on.

(I looked it up, turns out it's the Second Movement of Mahler's Symphony No. 1 - about 16 seconds in)



Then got the whole car to play air-triangle on the bits where the triangle comes in.

It wasn't until the end of the track that it finally hit me... that we're now driving past everyone, with our whole car - everyone - all giving it some air-triangle motions - at them - furiously with our hands.

Just as Mahler intended when he wrote it.
Probably.




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Why choose an arts subject for GCSE, or anything #BritishDadStuff


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Saturday, 23 July 2016

Why choose an arts subject for GCSE, or anything #BritishDadStuff



You know you're a Great British Dad...
...when you wonder if it really is about you wanting your kid to get good grades.


I've got a friend who's a teacher.

She's having a hard time getting kids to commit to arts subjects.

Turns out they're under attack from politicians and parents.

I can see why - arts subjects are useless.

There's no manual - there's textbooks, but no manual - so you can't just pass on the right answers.

Which means they're a cowson to grade.

So how are we meant to hit targets for the politicians?

They're unnecessary, and they get in the way of keeping things the way they are.

Anyway, she asked if her mates who've done arts subjects could make a video to say what we did and how it helps.

I did a Drama degree. I'd meet my mates in the bar who'd done Physics in the lab for 8 hours straight.

I'd tell them about how I was a tree.

Or some trust game where I'd been carried around a room by some girls.

It's meant to be useless.

And if you need me to explain why me spending a day as a tree or being carried around by some girls isn't a terrible thing for the world, then that's a bit of a shame... But I'm probably a bit more curious about why we need more people to fit in.

Anyway, here's the go I took...




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What we can learn from Chris Froome running up Mont Ventoux


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Friday, 22 July 2016

What we can learn from Chris Froome running up Mont Ventoux



Seeing the Tour De France Yellow Jersey, Chris Froome, running up Mont Ventoux after his bike crash near the finish was pretty special.

But heard this a few days later from his team's General Manager Dave Brailsford.

It's a great quote about dealing with knocks in life: dealing with "what is" instead of how you want it to be.
(Guess you could call it good Sky-chology).




"I think for a lot of people in that type of scenario, you've seen people throw their bikes away and have a bit of a fit by the side of the road etc.

"Why has that happened to me?!" sort of thing,
"This is crazy".

He didn't.

He headed off for the line."


"...The difference between emotion and logical thinking and how you manage these types of situations.

And what we know is that the goalposts move.

And people get upset.

"Oh the goalposts have moved"
and they get emotionally upset about why it moved and how it moved, and "It's not fair" etc etc.

What we've done over the years is trained ourselves time and again to recognise

"It's not if the goalposts move" - the goalposts will move.

And when they do move,
be the first to react to it in a logical way.

And don't let emotion drive your decision making.
Don't let emotion drive your thoughts and behaviour.
Come back to logic and try to be logical and calm in those situations."


And then... RUN!

(I added that last bit)

And I've just added this to the Tour De France clips in the link below...

Adam Yates hitting the 1km banner.




This is where I put all my favourite Tour De France clips...

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What I want to tell my son... Always let women choose the date. #BritishDadStuff


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Thursday, 21 July 2016

What I want to tell my son... Always let women choose the date. #BritishDadStuff



You know that you're a Great British Dad when...
...you keep writing that book of wisdom for your children.


This is what I want to tell my son:
This is for him. Not you. If you're curious, that's cool.
Maybe it's for daughters too.
Let's go with one thing at a time.

People think to be a man - you have to go out there and "get the girl".
And that's sort of part of it.
But it's not like that really.
It's got nothing to do with you.

Women sort of know when they are ready to be with you.
And - this sounds barmy - but it's only on certain days.
I don't mean that in a rude way - or to be embarrassing - I mean it about your company. Just having you being around.

The great thing is - if you accidentally stumble on those certain days - let those days happen - I promise you're more likely to hit it off, and that might even last more than once.

I know men - good men - really nice guys who get really frustrated because the girl they thought liked them has bumped this date or that, or moved a meeting up time to some other day. And they're all whining about it.

And I want to say - can't you see?
This is brilliant.
She doesn't even know it, but biologically she is teeing you up, for another time, to hook up with you.
Fist-chewingly frustrating of all - they seem completely unaware that they're even doing that.

Always always always let a girl choose and have ultimate veto on when you meet up, go out, or do stuff.
I promise you, pushing it to your timetable, or putting your foot down on the time, always always always always goes wrong.

Next time I will tell you about the importance of "taking your socks off first".
Because I want the Grandkids.
Just not before I'm 60.


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El Bimbo - The Music From The Blue Oyster Bar (in Police Academy) and where it all came from


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Wednesday, 20 July 2016

El Bimbo - The Music From The Blue Oyster Bar (in Police Academy) and where it all came from



At school, my mate Rob and I would hilariously break into this tune, any excuse, any given moment.

If you don't know the bit from Police Academy, it's okay, I won't explain it here.

And because it was 100 years ago, it was impossible to get a recording of it anywhere.

Now it's one of the tunes I've spent way to long tracking down where it's come from
(the others include Go West, and Take On Me) - they've got surprising versions behind them.

So here's my little shrine to "El Bimbo".

First, feast your eyes on this! Bimbo Jet from 1974



But in the movie credits, the tune is "Written by Claude Ganem and Performed by Jean-Marc Dompierre and his Orchestra"

I can't find any Jean-Marc Dompierre videos, so here's Paul Mauriat — El Bimbo



And here it is in German - Marion Rung - El Bimbo (Hitparade 1975)



But all of this might be a little unfair -- there's controversy online over whether this guy wrote the thing - the Afghan performer Ahmad Zahir. (It all depends if you believe the date of his album "Lylee" is 1971 or 1977...) Either way...

Tanha Shodam Tanha



Sing along now!

Tanha shodam tanha
Asooda az ghawgha shodam
Az bas ke khordam khoon-e dil
Chun ghoncha az ham shodam
Baaz ast dar-haye qafaz – ay morgh-e dil parwaz kon – gulha ke een gulzar raa
Man aashiq tanhayee am – khod mahram-e raaz-e khodam – ba naghma pardazan bego

Translation:
I'm left alone, alone
(literally: I became alone, alone)
I'm left relieved of any chaos
(literally: I got/became relieved from all this riot)
So much i took this pain that
(literally: so much I drank my heart's blood that
(it's a kind of a proverb in middle east speakers for expressing being in pain or bearing the pain like: khon-e dil/khon-e jigar))
I started to develop like a flower bud
(literally: I blossomed like a newborn flower (a red flower from the blood been drunk))

The cage is open, Fly O bird of my heart
(imagination)(literally: the cage doors are open--o bird of my heart fly (imagination))
There are lots of flowers in this flower field (rose garden)
but I'm in love with my privacy
(literally: the flower field is full of flower - I love the privacy)
I'm confidant to my own secrets, Go tell musicians
(literally: myself am confidant to my own secrets, discuss with musicians or tell the musicians)


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How to turn back time on a recalled Volkswagen #BritishDadStuff


Tuesday, 19 July 2016

How to turn back time on a recalled Volkswagen #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you have the urge to make very dull how-to videos.


I'm really torn about sharing these videos on the blog.
I'm experimenting - they're very specific things that I have had to look up and they're not online.
So what's the urge to fill this gap in human knowledge?

I hate being on camera - so why do I still want to do it?
Is it some kind of Dad biological need to teach you - my surrogate children - all the things I have learned on life's journey?

I guess this is my Legacy.
And I'm putting them here each day, so that over time my Legacy will become the greatest body of wisdom I can build and pass on.
Today, the most important and urgent thing I have to share with you is
"How to avoid coping with the wrong time on a VW Touran"



I blew our family's wealth - and your inheritance - on a recalled car that will get no refund or compensation - but it's okay...
...because now I can show you how to change the clock on the thing.

My complete guide to Understanding Your British Dad is coming together here

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My supermarket review from every single living week #British Dad Stuff


Monday, 18 July 2016

My supermarket review from every single living week #British Dad Stuff



You know that you're a Great British Dad...
...when your reviews on Google+ are only there to help other Dads.



Here's one I left for a big supermarket on Google maps the other day.

★★★★★ We treat this place like a theme park.

It costs about the same to visit, and there's plenty to do.

Aisles 1-5 are spent yelling "No" when the kids just want to get to the toy aisle. When we finally get to the toy shelves, that's where the No's end and the fun really begins!

"no"
"not today",
"maybe Christmas",
"I've put it on the list"
(there is no "list"),
"I've got no money",
"Daddy's got a terrible job",
"We should use less electricity",
"Sorry",
"You've got one already",
"You won't want to play with it tomorrow",
"you won't, I promise you, it'll be just like the X-wing that's in bits under the stairs",
"yes you could try tidying your bedroom, but how about doing it for love",
"no",
"no really",
"I need to buy some food now",
"I don't care, you can lie there all day if you like",
"you're in the way now - mind the lady",
"do you want to sit on my head?"
"I only came in for some milk",
"Please can we go now?".

And then we're done.

Time for a bit more "no" in the soft cheese aisle (for some reason - usually over something with cartoons on it).

There's no "no's" in fruit and veg, obvs.

But just when you think it's over... checkouts!

Four shelves of pure 100% NO - right by the tills...

It's the ASDAs theme park gift shop.

"No"
"No, you can't have a Kinder Surprise"
"Or a Mars bar."
"You don't even like peanuts."
"Please don't touch."
"I know it's right in front of you, that's why they put it there."
"Please... put it back."
"Help Daddy put the things on the conveyor belt."
"The things in the trolley, not the Kinder Surprise."
"I don't care if it's rolling."
"Or yellow"
"No"
"No."

Five stars!
#BritishDadStuff


And don't forget to add the nice photo.




My complete guide to Understanding Your British Dad is coming together here

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NBC's four tips for writing a knockout TV pilot #amwriting