You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you start making up your own scary nighttime stories.
I’m sitting on my 6 year-old daughter's bed, at reading time, with a pile of rejected books.
DAUGHTER
No. I want a story that scares adults.
I pull out a letter.
ME
Okay. This is the kind of stuff you’ll read when you’re older.
"Once upon a time, Daddy received a letter from the energy company.
It’s the company we choose to pay for our gas and electricity.
DAUGHTER
Are there lots of companies?
ME
Oh no. Only a few. They like it that way.
DAUGHTER
Do they have different gas and electricity?
ME
No, not really.
It’s exactly the same gas and electricity that comes into the house.
Anyway, Daddy thought he is very good at fighting the evil Energy Company.
They try to steal his money all the time by charging a lot more for the same gas and electricity each month, even though it’s exactly the same house, and people.
And gas.
And electricity.
DAUGHTER
They must really love the money.
ME
And they need to rinse as much as possible from us.
DAUGHTER
That's not very nice.
ME
No, it’s not their fault.
It’s just the way they are.
They spend a lot of money to get us to think that they are nice.
DAUGHTER
Like a witch in a mask?
ME
Yes!
Yes! Exactly like a witch.
A witch wearing lots of leaflets and emails and adverts on TV.
DAUGHTER
We fast-forward through those.
ME
We do.
And this is why they do evil magic like this.
This one says that our Duel-Fuel tarriff ends next month and we must act NOW!
DAUGHTER
RIGHT NOW?
ME
(LAUGHS) They make it sound urgent so they look kind about warning us about something.
DAUGHTER
But it’s about... the danger that they want more money?
ME
They’re warning us that they are doing something not nice, so, we feel glad that they’re warning us.
DAUGHTER
That doesn’t make any sense.
ME
I know it doesn't.
Now, all of this evil magic relies on us getting bored.
Whatever you do - don’t fall asleep - or they will take as much money as they can...
DAUGHTER pulls the covers up a little tighter.
ME
Don’t fall asleep!
So first, the Evil Energy Company send this letter to say that our tariff is ending next month...
DAUGHTER
And we must act NOW!
ME
Right, and if we don’t - this is the magic bit - our tariff becomes the highest tariff in the Kingdom.
DAUGHTER
What is the highest tariff in the Kingdom?
ME
23 pence per unit for gas and electricity.
DAUGHTER
I don’t know what a unit of gas or electricity is.
ME
No-one does!
That’s the first trick to get you to fall asleep.
Don't fall asleep.
DAUGHTER
(giggle) Don’t steal my money!
ME
All you need to know is that you spend 12p per bit of electricity, and next month it will be double.
DAUGHTER
I know what DOUBLE is.
ME
Right. It means your money is worth half as much.
So they say "give them a call or go online to get the best price".
DAUGHTER
Why don’t they just offer us the best price?
ME
You’re drifting - stay focused - they want you to drift.
You’re not getting the best price, so go online.
DAUGHTER
What about Granddad, he’s not very good at that.
ME
(energy company voice)
“Old people are weak and have got too much money.
If they can’t work this out, it’s their fault for being weak and having money.”
DAUGHTER pulls up the covers some more.
ME
So Brave Daddy went online, and found their very best tariff.
DAUGHTER
Hurray! The cheapest one!
ME
Yes. But. Here’s the thing.
The cheapest one has gone up from 12p to 15p per bit of electricity.
DAUGHTER
That’s not much.
ME
That's what they want you to think.
Don’t fall asleep.
We spend over a thousand pounds on this, so we’ve just lost over 200 quid.
DAUGHTER
Is quid the same as pounds.
ME
Yes. Daddy thinks it makes him sound more interesting.
DAUGHTER
200 quids is a lot of our money.
ME
And it’s even more than that, but stay awake - that’s not the evil magic - look!
I pull out a laptop with the energy company “find the cheapest tariff” page.
DAUGHTER
They say they’re saving you money.
ME
I know!
DAUGHTER
But we just lost over 200 quids.
ME
I know - don't fall asleep!
Look harder and try to work out how we’ve lost over 200 quids.
DAUGHTER
It says you’ve saved your household £157 per year, that’s good, no?
ME
But I haven't.
The price has gone up.
Don’t - fall - asleep.
DAUGHTER
It says it’s best to change it now so you can start saving money right away.
ME
Eyes - Wide - Open.
DAUGHTER
But how is it "saving" if the price has gone up?
ME
Keep going - don’t fall asleep...
DAUGHTER
The costs have gone up, how come you’re saving money?
ME
I know you can do this.
DAUGHTER
I don’t think I can. It’s very late Daddy.
ME
Don’t fall asleep on me.
DAUGHTER
I'm really tired. This is boring.
ME
I’m losing you, stick with it honey.
DAUGHTER
I’ll see you in the morning.
She snuggles under the covers.
ME
Don’t go, baby.
DAUGHTER
I love you.
She’s fast asleep.
I cradle her head.
ME
(hushed) The "saving" is based on the made-up expensive tariff they’re moving us onto next month.
She snores.
DAUGHTER
(in her sleep) They’re not savings at all.
They just put our cheapest tariff up by 20%.
I hug her floppy body.
ME
I love you.
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