Thursday, 19 October 2017

The one that didn't get away in the bathroom. #DadDirt



DAD is standing behind his BOY, who is straining on something.

DAD
Lean with the pull...

BOY
It’s too strong Dad.

DAD
Use your full bodyweight against it.

BOY
I think I’m losing it.

DAD
Go on my son... I know you can do this.

REVEAL the BOY is fishing in the bath: pulling on a full-size rod, bending to breaking point.

BOY
(GNN)
I can’t. I can’t. It’s me or him.

GROAN... SPLOSH!

DAD
You did it, you did it!

REVEAL: from the end of the boy’s line is a MASSIVE BALL OF HAIR.

DAD
What a beaut!

The boy is crying.

BOY
I did do it.
He’s huge!

They hug.

SNAP! Father/Son grinning photo fishing pose with the hairball on the line between them.

“In memory, HAIRBALL 2016-2017”


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In the offices after hours... who goes gathering with extra powers... #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 18 October 2017

In the offices after hours... who goes gathering with extra powers... #DadDirt



Shadows of men in the darkened office floor with torches.

O.C.O. 1
Got to be quick on this one.

O.C.O. 2
We've got a lot to get through.

O.C.O. 1 shines a torch in his face.

O.C.O. 1
This is a normal shift.

He turns the torch off.

O.C.O. 1 (CONT'D)
Try and find the sweet spot.

All the office lights flicker on:
O.C.O. 2 is in janitor's overalls and an elaborate stretched out pose to trigger the lights.

O.C.O. 2
Got it.

O.C.O. 1
Keep up.

O.C.O. 1 (also in janitor's overalls) sweeps the top of a cluttered desk straight into a bin bag.

O.C.O. 2
So we're like the people who get the restaurant tables ready.
Not the waiters--

O.C.O. 1
--Or the cleaners. Or the furniture movers. We are the "Office Clearer-Outers".
But what we do is so unspeakable, we have no job title.

O.C.O. 2
I'll get the drawers.

He dumps all the filth from the stuffed desk into bin bags.

O.C.O. 1
Everyone loves it when they start at a nice clean empty desk.
They don't think for a second about the actrocities that took place here.

O.C.O. 1 opens a folder from a shelf of indexed folders.

O.C.O. 1
You think you're creating all this useful "product" at your "workstation".
(RE. FOLDER)
Meeting notes, strategy reports, action plans, it's all sooooo important.
Until you go.

The folder goes in the bin bag.

O.C.O. 2
And then we come. After hours.

All the folders go in the bin bag.

O.C.O. 1
No-one wants to see this. When I was a kid, in hospital, appendix, one day they closed all the blinds, all the doors. And the nurses and helpers are all there distracting us... but we knew.
That bed bay was all clean and ready for the next one when the doors opened again.
That's this.

The workstation is completely stripped bare and pristine.

O.C.O. 2
Aww look. All "ready for the next one".

O.C.O. 1 crosses out with their stuffed bag-laden trolley.

O.C.O. 1
Come on. We've got six more. You're doing good.

O.C.O. 2
Thanks.
(THEN)
What happened to the last guy who did my job?

He crosses out to catch up.

O.C.O. 2
Hello?

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Dad's attempt at geography model homework... #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Dads attempt at geography model homework... #DadDirt



In the Living Room... A BOY and DAD are huddled over a home made model that fills the table top.

DAD
Just one more...

BOY
Dad, are we taking a bit too long on this? It's just geography...

With a tube of glue, DAD sets the final piece.

DAD
There. Finished. "The South Downs".

REVEAL: a perfect topographical model of The South Downs made entirely out of tampons and sanitary pads.

BOY
Is the village of Buriton all there now?

DAD
Woah, no, good catch, thanks.

He unwraps a Kotex and cuts the string.

DAD
We've put in too much housing. It should be more light-industrial.

"BURITON" is labelled and made from the tips of tampons grouped together like a village, but still all in cotton white.

BOY
Does... does Mum know you've used all her stuff on this?

DAD
Mum will probably get very very angry.
Angrier than you've ever seen her.
For some reason, all the nonsense from us that she tolerates will suddenly fall over a boundary, and you will be humiliated for all the liberties that'd usually be overlooked.

Remember the 4 "A's".
Apologise.
Avoid drama.
Agree with everything.

BOY
Dad, you've-- I think you've spilt some glue.

DAD stands up with a puddle of glue on his lap.

DAD
Have you got anything to clear it up?

BOY
Sorry Dad.

DAD shuffles off.

DAD
Ashamed.



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Wife's checklist for hubby's affair lady #DadDirt


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Monday, 16 October 2017

Wifes checklist for hubbys affair lady #DadDirt



In the supermarket aisles... DAD is pushing the trolley. MUM pulls him sideways.

MUM
Quick, over there. Don’t look.
(ON THE QUIET)
It’s the affair lady.

There’s an ATTRACTIVE 30-SOMETHING WOMAN.

DAD
That’s her job?

MUM
No, that’s what Claire calls her.

DAD tries not staring.

DAD
She’s the one on the left?

MUM
She’s the one who went off with that other Dad, and now they’re splitting up.
If you were to have an affair with someone like that, then at least I’d know, well, I can’t look like that so there’s nothing I could’ve done about it anyway.

DAD
And if she didn’t look like that...
(THEN)
I mean you look lovely.

MUM
If she wasn’t good-looking... I don’t think I could cope with that.

MUM considers a wall of coffee, but DAD’S head is grinding.

DAD
You mean, if I am going to have an affair. You want it to be with someone attractive.

MUM
I don’t know what I’d think if she wasn’t attractive. It’d probably be more upsetting. If she was plain - it’d mean there was something there that’s probably love. And that’s more hurtful.

DAD
So you want me to only go off with horny women.

MUM crosses out to shop on.

MUM (OS)
She’s not that hot.


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We've all got a hobby thats someone elses job #DadDirt


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Sunday, 15 October 2017

We've all got a hobby thats someone elses job #DadDirt



Someone in staff uniform is gathering up used cups, saucers, and empty sandwich wrappers, but he’s interrupted by another uniformed member of staff.

COFFEE STAFF 1
Please don't do that.

COFFEE STAFF 2
It's nearly done boss.

COFFEE STAFF 1
No, really, I insist. Please, stop.

He takes crockery away from COFFEE STAFF 2

COFFEE STAFF 2
I don't mind - really.

COFFEE STAFF 1
But... you don't work here.

COFFEE STAFF 2
You don't know that.

COFFEE STAFF 1
We do know that because... you don't work here.

COFFEE STAFF 2 returns to wiping the table.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Honestly, it's cool

COFFEE STAFF 1
Honestly. It is not cool.
You do not work here.
Can you please stop.

COFFEE STAFF 2
But I’m almost done.

COFFEE STAFF 1
You don’t even need to start--
Can you at least please take off that T-shirt.

COFFEE STAFF 2
No! It’s mine!
I paid for it on ebay!
Come on, I’ve only got those tables left to do boss.

COFFEE STAFF 1
I am not your boss.
Literally!
You are not paid to be here.

COFFEE STAFF 2
And like you’ve not got any hobbies?

COFFEE STAFF 1
I’ve got hobbies. Lots of them.
And none of them are other people's jobs!

COFFEE STAFF 2
Ohhhh, so you don't think I am helping you.
You think I am competing with you?
You think there's only “limited” pie.
You think there is limited mess.
Limited tables to clean and clear?

COFFEE STAFF 1
Yes!

COFFEE STAFF 2
Look around you, man.
There's enough mess to go round!

COFFEE STAFF 2 pulls out one of the chairs from the table he just straightened.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Why don’t you take it easy?
Why don’t you take advantage.

COFFEE STAFF 1 sits down and tries to take stock.

COFFEE STAFF 1
What you are doing is exactly the same as putting on outfits from the dressing-up-box at school, and playing shops.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Yeah!
Isn’t it great?

COFFEE STAFF 3 storms in to yell at COFFEE STAFF 1

COFFEE STAFF 3
Dude! Again?
You are so lazy.
With all these tables left to do?

COFFEE STAFF 1
I was just telling this guy--

COFFEE STAFF 3
--Interrupting this guy from clearing up, I’m sorry. That’s it.
We’ve got to let you go.
Be out by the time I’m back.

COFFEE STAFF 3 storms out.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Can I buy your apron boss?


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My belly is still big #DadDirt


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Saturday, 14 October 2017

My belly is still big #DadDirt



DAD, clothed, checks himself out in the mirror, front on, while MUM is in bed.

DAD
I don't get it. I've been working out every day with the ioniser... and I'm bigger than when I started.

He turns, revealing the bulge on his tummy.

MUM
You mean Ab-dominiser.

DAD
Oh.

He pulls up his jumper. A room ioniser is taped to his stomach.

DAD
My belly’s still big.

MUM
On the upside, it smells nice and fresh.


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We love those advert banners all over our school gates don't we. #DadDirt


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Friday, 13 October 2017

We love those advert banners all over our school gates don't we. #DadDirt



MUMS arriving with their kids at the school gates.

REVEAL the school railings are TOTALLY COVERED by overlapping SUPERMARKET ADVERTISING BANNERS for vouchers and tokens schemes.

MUM 1
Sorry sweetie...

REVEAL: MORE MUMS patting and groping at the banners trying to find the entrance.
Like those zapped moaners from Day Of The Triffids.

MUM 2
(HOLDING WAD OF VOUCHERS)
We are such a bunch of losers.

MUM 3
And that’s why we need the vouchers.

MUM 4
Then we’d be winners.

MUM 5
But we can’t hand them in if we can’t find the school.

MUM 2
We are such a bunch of losers.


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It's all okay using a womens body spray #DadDirt


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Thursday, 12 October 2017

It's all okay using a womens body spray #DadDirt




MUM and DAD getting dressed for the day. DAD is spraying himself.

MUM
Sorry, I used your deodorant.

DAD
That’s okay. It’s a women's one anyway.

MUM
Well, it’s nicer than mine.

DAD
Thank you.
(HANG ON)
It is okay for me to use a lady body spray.

MUM
I know.

DAD
I don’t want you thinking less of me as a man, just because of the products I use.

MUM
Alright.

DAD
Because that’s what they want you to think.
They spend millions of pounds to separate us.

MUM
Okay.

DAD
Haven’t we got past this already?

MUM
Oh my god--

DAD
This... lazy discrimination.
It’s not 1985.

MUM
This spray, I think. I think it’s turned you into me.

They raise their hands and touch each other.

A moment.

DAD
(EMOTIONAL)
It’s just--

MUM
-- so hard.

DAD AND MUM
I don’t think we should ever use this again.

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How I drank from a gravy boat in a job interview. My third worst job interview ever. #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 11 October 2017

How I drank from a gravy boat in a job interview. My third worst job interview ever. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you think back on the times you put yourself at physical risk to earn money for your family.


I’m still working up my courage to write about my first and second worst job interviews ever. So let’s have a crack at number 3.

It was for a headhunter firm - already alarm bells should be ringing here. The trouble with recruitment firms approaching me is that I’ve got to separate myself from feeling flattered that they’ve contacted me... from the fact that they earn their money from me being there for free.

I got to their offices in London’s trendy Oxford Street and I was obviously the first one there, because the clients - the two women from the actual company looking to hire someone - had only just settled into the bare room that was set aside for them.

The start of my interview involved choosing which was the best seat to sit on, while they were giddy to be out of their office for the day and choosing which were the best pastries to start on.

I didn’t mind any of this. It was charming to be around their glee at what their company was paying for.

Eventually it hit them that, you know, I was in there too, crowding the moment.

They suddenly seemed very guilty and offered me a coffee.

Sure!

Finally, being the only person in the room not being paid to be here... I can join in and might even swing the chat around to why we’re here.

(Message to my kids - if you’re ever offered a drink in a job interview, always always go for a water. Rejecting it always goes down badly - like you’re being offish. And going for a hot drink always involves distracting business that has nothing to do with why you’re there. Milk? Sugar? Ooops I’ve spilt some... etc. etc. etc.)

“Oh, I am so sorry. We’ve only got two cups.”
Was this some kind of test?

“There’s the milk jug.”
They both giggled. I held it up - it was empty, and it was definitely a gravy boat.
This was some classy recruitment outfit.

“I think it’s a gravy boat.” I said out loud.

“You could drink it from that, if you don’t mind?”

I was in now.
There was no way I was going to back down from this.
I still don’t know where it was going, but do know this is where I double-down.

“Okay.
No, no sugar, thank you.
Ooops I’ve spilt some... ”

The only thing I remember from the rest of the 20 minute interview was the look on their faces as I’d break the conversation to wilfully take awkward sips of coffee from their borrowed gravy boat.

It was a sort of a wavy line where smiles should have been.

At the time, I was so eager to please that when they wanted to know if I had any questions at the end, I didn't even think to ask “How little do you care about your company that you don’t know your industry well enough to conduct a search for staff yourself?”

How little do I care about my industry that I’m relying on a company to find me a job.

Though to be fair I was all caught up in myself, stopping hot drink dribbling from the spout into my lap.


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Why Club biscuits are banned by my wife from our house #DadDirt


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