If it’s yellow let it mellow #TightwadDad 046

I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- German Supermarket shop: Bread and a nice rucksack.
"Now I'll look slightly less like a mature student on a Eurorail card."
JOY 10

- Online: Contact lenses.
"It's the difference between seeing and not seeing."
JOY 10

- Water bill.
“My reminder isn’t catching on.
‘If it’s yellow let it mellow. If it’s brown can we leave that for a bit as well?’”
JOY 1

- Martial Arts group monthly fees.
“The only thing this month where I might be getting better at something.”
JOY 9


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Cost of Datamining. One Porridge. #TightwadDad DAY 045

My usual Coffee Chain loyalty app tells me I’ve won a voucher.

For one portion of porridge.

Could I just “verify” my phone number?

I’ve never given them my phone number.

So my phone number is now worth one portion of porridge.

That’s the current exchange rate in the datamining.

What else have I got and what’s that worth?

This is the time to cash in.

My address.
Is that worth a panini?

What if I haven’t got anything else.

Why don't I just sent them my blood group.

Or my mum’s nickname.

Yeah, that's right.
I’ll just keep shouting “Neilneypops.”
They're bound to give me something for that.

Neilneypops.
NEILNEYPOPS?

C'mon. That's gotta be worth a complimentary cake!


I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Pilates.
JOY 9

- Free coffee shop decaf coconut latte.
“Gift card is still going.
Sometimes the kind staff charge my world's biggest reusable cup as a small.
This is how we can break the system together. #teamTIGHTWAD!”
JOY 7

- Expensive Supermarket panic buying for Valentines.
“At least it's not at night.
But the queue is still full of men with the weirdest baskets.”
JOY 5

- Broadband bill.
“The internet is brilliant.
How else could my kids learn new types of expenditure.”
JOY 7


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Do we spend too much on toys? #TightwadDad 044

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Do we spend too much on toys? #TightwadDad DAY 044

I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Mobile phone bill.
“I’ve really got to move our mobiles to somewhere else.”
JOY 1

- Free coffee shop decaf coconut latte
“Gift card.”
JOY 8

- German Supermarket Chain supermarket top-up shop: Fruit.
“Kids fighting over which fruit.
They’re fighting.
Over.
Fruit.”
JOY 1




Spend too much on toys? Xbox 180? #teamTIGHTWAD Podcast with Neil and Joe 009

Hello I'm Joe.
I’m Neil, thanks for clicking on this video. It’s the TightwadDad Podcast live from the Happy Hut. Well sort of live. And it’s episode 9!
Nine!

I didn’t think we’d make episode 9.

So this is gonna be about what toys we spend on because - right!

He has two children.

Do you think we spend too much money or not enough money on toys?

I think we're doing the right amount for a kid, yeah.

Well that’s good for a Dad to hear that he’s spending just the right amount on toys.

I’ve bought quite a few of my own toys.
What would you buy, yourself?
That electronic kit I can afford.
What else?
A console.
A console? Which console would you buy?

It’s either a Nintendo switch, an Xbox or a Playstation 4 or 5. Well an Xbox one.
Imagine if there's an Xbox 180 instead of 360.

Would that be better, or worse?
It would have to be more money because this is the latest it's gonna have to be better.

You hear that Microsoft? Your next Xbox should be the Xbox 180.

Yeah, if they’re watching this.
The chances of them watching it is THAT small.
[LAUGHS] I cant even see through there.
There are actually gaps on me - there are actually gaps.

That’s how big Microsoft is likely to be watching.
Oh dear. [LAUGHS]

I don't think that's gonna be a hit.


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9 Best replies to How are you? #TightwadDad 043

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9 Best replies to How are you? #TightwadDad 043

Yesterday I shared my #TightwadDad Tip:
Always always ask anyone serving you - at a counter or on the phone -
“How are you?”

And then the dread when they reply “How are you?”

9 replies to “How Are You” that get a laugh... (sometimes).

1
I AM UNSTOPPABLE
Especially with security guards, checkins, Border officers - anywhere where they literally can stop you.

2
I AM UNBREAKABLE
The only time this didn’t get a giggle was when I was being seated by an actress at a restaurant table on a stage with Bryan Cranston. (Long story).

It was an accident though.
I didn’t mean to say any link with “Breaking Bad”: maybe it was on my mind subliminally.

But she was trying to maintain her character in this immersive theatrical experience, so came back with a harsh “I do not know what you mean.”

Which, if you ask me, is really bad improv.

Even I know that in improv, you don’t come back with:
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

That's why both her and I have a long way to hit Bryan Cranston’s acting standards.

3
OUTRAGEOUS
I like this because I have no idea what it means.

“How are you?”
“Outrageous!”

It just sounds naughty and wrong.
And I don’t know why.

4
SEXY
Followed up with “I’ve really got it going on.”
In a completely deadpan voice.
It’s funniest saying this to other men.

The rest I do use on rotation but they aren’t as good as the top 4.

5
IMPECCABLE.
6
SPECTACULAR.
7
MAGNIFICENT.
I like the double meaning that it’s how you feel, but also sounds like OTT bragging.

8
PASSIONATE.
I should try this one more.
Maybe it’s better than “Sexy”.

9
DYNAMITE.
It’s at number 9 but, weirdly, the one I use the most when I’m not feeling like playing along.
Everyone can smell that.
Go for 1-3, they always get the biggest laughs.

They may or may not get you better service.
But they will always always make you feel happy at the end of it.


I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Big Supermarket top-up shop: Milks, ham, grapefruit, grapes, cut price noodles and polo tops for school.
“We Marie Kondo'd out a load of clothes at the weekend.”
JOY 5


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TightwadDad Tip Always ask How Are You #TightwadDad 042

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TightwadDad Tip Always ask How Are You #TightwadDad 042

TIGHTWAD DAD TIP:
Always always ask anyone serving you - at a counter or on the phone -
“How are you.”

They will have a script and probably already asked “What can I get you?”
Ignore it.

Make the very first thing you say:
“How are you?”

They will always react in an odd way.
At first.
Don’t worry about this.

They’ll even sometimes be openly suspicious - almost hostile - and give you a tone and body language of “What are you up to?”
With a reply like “I’m... fiiiiine?”

I swear I’ve had monthly tariffs lowered and bigger portions of fries with extra meatballs just from asking “How are you.”

That’s not why I do it.
But they do.

I’ve always, always felt better to give them that moment to reset.

And give them some headspace to check themselves and think for a moment
“How am I?”

Back to the tricky part.
When THEY ask back “How are you”.
What’s your best answer?

Every particle of my body is begging me not to answer truthfully or go into my life history.

One answer is to say something ludicrous.
Outrageous.
Something that’s funny and dumb.

“Unbreakable” and “Unstoppable” always gets a laugh.
Because people expect you to just mumble “I’m... fiiiiine?”

But what are the best replies to How Are You?


I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Home Insurance Cover.
“Managed to find somewhere lower.”
JOY 8

- Carpet ruined by blue slime silly putty/goo/slime won at the arcade on the birthday trip.
“And this isn’t covered by the insurance.”
JOY 1

- Laptop screen broken.
“And neither is this. Plus the charger is in transit.”
JOY 1


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The supermarket short sold us some cheese. #TightwadDad 041

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The supermarket short sold us some cheese. #TightwadDad 041

I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- German Supermarket top-up shop: Bread, fruit, milk, batteries and a remote control lightbulb.
"It looks capricious but it's the only way we can get a light on by the front door."
JOY 8

- Bigger Supermarket medium shop: Ingredients for kid’s cookery lesson tomorrow.
"LSW: The cheese is 2 grams under the weight on the packet.
It’s 2 grams less than we need.

ME: That's outrageous.

LSW: I think it's our scales.

ME: No! I reckon it's deliberate.

LSW: It's probably our scales.

ME: I believe it. They're going 2 grams under on every block of cheese they sell.

LSW: It's our scales.

ME: We could start a class action and sue the supermarket.

LSW: It's definitely our scales.
Plus you just ate the evidence."
JOY 5

- Online shop: Computer charger lead.
JOY 2


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My dodgy swimming certificate #TightwadDad 040

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My dodgy swimming certificate #TightwadDad 040

I was clearing out the loft.
But I can’t let this go.

I found my 10 yards swimming certificate.

And where it should be signed by the Mayor of Camden... someone else has signed it with a PP.

What I love about this precious document is that Camden Council was so efficient in September 1977.
So correct in its administration.
That it could not trouble the Mayor to pre-sign a load of certificates.

Or, I don’t know, fake a load of signatures that looked like it came from The Mayor.

No.

Each certificate had to be signed at the appropriate time, or not at all.

It feels like I have unfinished business.

I don’t know where this leaves my documentation in swimming to 10 yards.

But if the current Mayor of Camden would like to watch me swim 10 yards, I would be very grateful if they could witness it and endorse the necessary paperwork.

Thank you.


I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Swimming lessons.
“Still paid, even though we cancelled.”
JOY 1



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Train tickets in the UK are hard #TightwadDad 039

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Train tickets in the UK are hard #TightwadDad 039

I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Train Tickets x2
“Peak time travel.
So had to do the usual maths to work out that buying a single then a return separately with a railcard is still cheaper than just getting a return because the train company and Department For Transport hates me.”
JOY 2

- Supermarket Chain Little Store: Sandwich
JOY 6

- Nice Supermarket Shop Top-up: Milk and chocolate milkshake powder.
"It would've been higher because it was in an expensive supermarket, but I was with the kids."
JOY 7


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My measuring joy is wrong #TightwadDad 038

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My measuring joy is wrong #TightwadDad 038

I’m having a row with my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) about how we’re measuring JOY.

LSW wants to know how the scores are fixed.

Giving a Joy of 10 for filling up with diesel, she says, is making a mockery of the measurements.

“What if something comes up that actually deserves a joy of ten?!”

But, for me, the scores always have to come down to how we feel.

In this case, how I feel about the fuel.

It’s a gut score - not calibrated on anything - but how you feel right now.

My wife says this is utter nonsense.

She wants to gather data and evidence to support a situation.

Whereas I just guess it, from my own gut.

I have a big gut feeling.

I think my wife agrees.

I think that’s good.

And hope this helps guide you measuring the JOY of spending in your own life.


I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Bank account fee.
“Why zero?
You want the bank account for free?”
JOY 0

- Charity shop: Coat, and birthday gift
"It's a really nice coat."
JOY 9

- German supermarket chain top-up: Bread, sweet chili sauce, ham, yoghurts.
"Bumped into neighbour.”
JOY 7

- Online Shop: Fountain Pen ink for my child.
“But it's 2019.”
JOY 2


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Sold an old car manual on Ebay #TightwadDad 037

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Sold an old car manual on Ebay #TightwadDad 037

I am a #TightwadDad and finding happiness for my family with...

- Free decaf coconut latte (on gift voucher)
"Because it's free.
But also had a good working session and a little breakthrough about why I am doing this.”
JOY 10

+ Sold an old car manual on Ebay!
“Getting rid of something.
And getting money.
Though one mark off for taking so long”.
JOY 9

- Postage of eBay package.
“Self-service Post Office machines.
I don’t feel like I’m helping myself by getting better at using them.”
JOY 1


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Metal strip comes off my toe. #TightwadDad 036

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