Sick Mums say the funniest things

Mum's sick.

We know she's getting better, because she had a good laugh at some of the conversations over the weekend.

Poetry.

I'm lying on someone.
You're not lying on someone.
I am. I can feel their pulse.
It's the pumped up mattress.
It's not. I'm lying on Paul.
Who's Paul?
You know. Big fat Paul who noone likes. Got a twin brother.

Shame innit.
What?
You and Andy spent all that time raising all that money. 330 grand to pay them, and they took the money, and they're going to take my kidneys out anyway. Ahhh.

You're bloody deaf!
I know.
They're all laughing at you. Calling you names like 'maggot'.
I think you're thinking about that film, Mandy.
(Laughs) Amanda is the man outside.

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LESSONS FOR MY KIDS --->
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<--- FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofas End
~

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofas End

Welcome to the opening of the Toddler Art gallery.

Basically, our kids destroying the house, one installation at a time, while we're not looking.

It started last week with “Sprinkles”




#2 - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofa's End



Caribbean Green Crayola crayon on Lilac Echo Dulux Light and Space Matt Finish.


This bold piece is possibly one of the first works created by The Artist.

The space covered by this lively expression is the full-arms reach of the Toddler prodigy.

Un-inhibition is what drives this work.

The flow of continuous, unpredictable, curves is set against the impact of contrasting green attacking a backdrop of hinted purple.

These could be said to be gathered in nine epicentres of energy split across two implied rows. With a signature atop.

A signoff, if you will, that almost says “Ha.”




Its location next to the sofa - the traditional seat of relaxation - is of course ironic.




Next week, we'll take a look at “Black Fence Behind Your Head”.


The full gallery of Toddler Art is here.



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Sick Mums Say The Funniest Things --->
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<--- Wondered why YouTube video views freeze at 301?
~

Wondered why YouTube video views freeze at 301?

WHY DOES THE YOUTUBE VIDEO VIEWS COUNTER SEEM TO FREEZE AT 301?


Ever wondered how YouTube works out the video views counter?

Ever stuck with a video long enough to see the view count pause for a while at 301 views?

For anyone who stares at their YouTube video hit counters hoping for it to take off... here's why they sometimes stick at 301:

(Via the definitive web series blog webseries today)

(By the way, all my links for webseries creators are here).





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FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofas End --->
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<--- More Funny TV News Graphics
~

More bad news... (Graphics)

Here are a few more graphics to add to the gallery

(Guess the full list is piling up here - click here.
All the original pictures are here too...).


Bad day for The Region...

Good day for BBC South News Graphics



That's Jobs - blow. Got it.


This one isn't a news graphic...



...but reassuring for the lawyers that the graphics department remembered the Golden Glove Awards is a registered trademark. Take that, Globes.


Over to Wimbeldon.



Bit harsh - it's not like they've got something like a huge official logo with the right spelling of Wimbledon to copy or anything.



Fritzl's face on camara.




Guess the caption is just trying out some kind of Austrian accent.



FULL LIST OF "WHEN TV NEWS GRAPHICS GO BAD..." IS HERE


Click here for my 100 favourite TV moments...


Click here for when digital media goes bad...


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<--- Whatever happened to the YouTube killers?
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Wondered why YouTube View Counts freeze at 301? --->

Great article - Whatever happened to the YouTube killers

http://gigaom.com/video/whatever-happened-to-the-youtube-killers


Great overview on the history of places to put online video (via the seminal webseries almanac @webseriestoday)

including eBaum's world, Veoh, blip.tv, Revver, Joost, 12seconds.tv, Dailymotion, metacafe, Vimeo...


<--- More Bad News (Graphics)
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DadDesk: Getting into Steel Drum music --->

Latest from the DadDesk - Steel Drum Music

The 3 year old and me are now hooked on Youtube videos of Steel Drum Music.

Think it taps into those key developmental stages for boys of 'hitting stuff' and 'hitting stuff that's metal'.




Marvel at how this segues from Stand By Me to Whoomp! There It is.






See also: This is how I teach my son how to count.


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<--- How to turn your blog into a web series
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Whatever happened to the YouTube killers --->

How to turn your blog into a webseries

Uhoh. What? Turn this blog into a web series?

(Click here for my webseries blog, for a load of web series links)

From:
http://www.reelseo.com/approach-web-video-series-marketing-strategy/

"...the audience reaps a benefit from following a storyline that can leave people wanting to stay tuned for more, and builds a community of passionate followers who debate with each other on the nuances of the series, making them feel that they are a part of the series itself."

"...anyone who can simply has a webcam and can think like a scriptwriter (and an editor), can build their own web show series that gets an audience more emotionally invested, where they can participate in the story as it unfolds, and dialogue with others in between its breaks."

"...I think there is a lot more impact when people hear video and see me speak, as opposed to people just reading my blog (words). So yes, I really get obsessed with the idea of serialization of a project, and I think video is one of the best ways to do it; and you can do it with a webcam; you don't even need a fancy camera."

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<--- Latest from the DadDesk: Steel Drum Music
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How to answer the phone to a telemarketing cold caller --->

Favourite things - How to answer the phone to a telemarketing cold caller

Tom Mabe on how to handle a call centre marketing cold call.

"GEOGRAPHICALLY SPEAKING MIKE, WHERE IS WORK?"


Tom Mabe's official link here

Prank caller Tom Mabe was working in his Louisville, KY office when he began his personal crusade against telemarketers, fabricating elaborate stories to exasperate the phone solicitors to the point where they hung up on him.

In time he began recording the calls on his answering machine and playing the tapes for friends; soon Mabe started appearing on radio morning shows as well, ultimately financing a CD collection of his best pranks titled Revenge on the Telemarketers.

After a copy of the disc made its way to the offices of Virgin Records Nashville, the label signed Mabe and issued Revenge on the Telemarketers, Round One in early 2000, which featured several bits from Mabe's first CD and plenty of new material. A second volume followed before year's end.

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<--- How to turn your blog into a webseries
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Know your UK currency --->

Know your British coins

@poundlandqueen
I've just realised this omg how did I not know this pic.twitter.com/OPUU8SlJ

Completely.

OMG, how did I not know this too.




This is news to me.

Maybe I'm not holding on to them long enough to get it.

This is our actual money - where you can collect all to complete the picture.

Like our currency is some kind of level 3 game challenge.

Anyone else know about this?


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How do you answer the phone?

It started like this

@prodnose
"This Jeremy Hunt. Why don't he just turn it in?" Thats what my dad would have said. Nobody just "turns it in" anymore do they?

‏@NeilMossey
My favourite one of your dads was re. your writing: “You doin yer typing, son?”. Cant help it-I always default to that verb now



@Zo1975
The same as no one ever says their phone number when they pick up the home phone anymore.



@mark170667
why would anyone ever say their number when picking up home phone, afterall the other person knows number they rang ‪#pointless‬


Good point, but I completely empathise with people who miss doing the 4-digit sing-song.

For me, it's a little long.

I was always jealous of a Director mate who'd answer his mobile with his two-syllable name.

My one syllable name is too abrupt.

Answering with my full name is too silly.

"Sou-than" always hit the right balance between information and informal.

All I've got is, "Hello?"


This is how I actually answer the landline.


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<--- How does it look round the back of your telly?
- HOME
Next post --->

How does your wifi box area look? Or round the back of your telly.

How does your wifi box area look? Or round the back of your telly.

The wifi box area looked bad. But it was hidden by the sofa.




This took a day and a half to sort out.

The elephant book isn't part of the installation

Also just to make clear, that is the finished tidied version.

And it was worth every hour to stop hearing about it "looking bad" (behind the sofa).


Don't think I can even face the back of the telly.





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Latest from the DadDesk - "I'll let you go"

"I'll let you go."

Ever get that in phone conversation?

Because "I'll let you go" sounds so much kinder than "I'm terminating this phonecall now".


It's like "can we take a rain check".

Like its a joint decision.

And why are we bringing baseball terminology into this appointment we're discussing in Britain?

Because it sounds cool.

It's cancelling on someone and making it sound cool.




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I think I bought Directors Trainers

(Was looking for some Dad Trainers (or, in Wiltshire, "Dad Daps")).

I think in the end I got “Directors Trainers”.

Trainers that directors would wear.

The footwear area is very important to directors.



Yesterday I wore my new Directors' Trainers in a South West Trains toilet.





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<--- Dad Trainers
- HOME
Hates: "I'll let you go" --->

I think I bought a pair of directors trainers neilmossey.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/direct…

— Neil Mossey (@NeilMossey) June 22, 2012

DadDesk - Buying New Dad Shoes

My trainers fell apart.

I found the perfect pair in John Lewis.

MRS. NM:
Bit boring, aren't they.

ME:
Well... I'm boring.

What is it about women that they can't biologically resist the need to lie through their footwear.


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Product Idea: NIKEA. Trainers you put together yourself.


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Toddler Art - The Full Collection.

Basically, our kids destroying the house, one installation at a time, while we're not looking.

Which is your favourite?


Toddler Art #1 - Sprinkles

This one is called: “Can you put that down. Please. No. You can't have any hundreds and.”




#2 - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofa's End








#3 - Fence Behind Your Head




#4 - Artist with Permanent Red on Whiteboard




#5 - Freedom Corner






#6 - Pencil Food




#7 - Pencil Food Oh




#8 - Two Lines from my Doctor's Desk




#9 - Lines Behind the Dining




#10 - Telephone Line




#11 - Hand Traffic Brown




#12 - Red Green Blue Hallway You



Artist with Red Green Blue Hallway You




#13 - Sofa Light Comms




#14 - Behind The Door...




#15 - Marks Behind Bars




#16 - Marks On The Bars




#17 - Flat Wall or 3-D?




#18 - Green Around The Whiteboard




#19 - Brooklyn Bridge In Red
- New York In Red






#20 - Lines Ajar




#21 - Biro On Sofa




#22 - Sunset Media Horizon



But there's more...

Above, to introduce a third dimension, The Artist has placed a parting shot.




#23 - Crayon Mirror



In the absence of conventional artistic materials, The Artist not only comments on this through the use of a candle... but also eschews his favourite canvas of the wall, to introduce the dining room mirror as a backdrop.

Literally reflecting his work on whomever wants to view.
(It was also nearly impossible to capture this work on camera).


#24 - Hand Food Wall



This work creates and capitalises on negative space.


#25 - Pencil No Food



Almost as an answer to "Pencil Food", after the inevitable repainting The Artist embarked on "Pencil No Food".

Perhaps conveying a frustration or a dissatisfaction with the destruction of the earlier piece.






#26 - Hand Wall Food



Developing the themes of "Hand Food Wall", came this.


#27 - Artist with biro swirl




#28 - Mirror Green Bum





This is the competition:

The structural rhythms are unmistakable and completely instinctive, reflecting an understanding of composition far beyond her years. Complex yet accessible, sophisticated yet unguided, Aelita’s new works communicate a sense of excitement, encouraging the audience to tap into their own inner child.

(LINK HERE)


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