Tuesday, 30 April 2019

Monday, 29 April 2019

Hair Gel While He's Got It #TightwadDad 084

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Big Chain Supermarket branch: Doughnuts, printer paper, juice boxes for a school trip, hair gel.
"This is a big moment. Taking my son to choose his first brand of hair gel. Judging by the hair pattern in my family, he won't have it for long so he might as well enjoy styling it."
JOY 10

- Big Chain Supermarket Online Delivery: Everything else.
"I really didn't coordinate this with my Long-Suffering Wife very well, did I."
JOY 3


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Bread and Frozen Fish #TightwadDad 083


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Saturday, 27 April 2019

Can You Make The Earth Move? #TightwadDad 082

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Swimming lessons
"They can still swim."
JOY 9

- Big Supermarket: Pizzas, strawberries, meat, veg
JOY 3

- Garden Centre: Soil.
"That stuff we stand on, for free.
Soil.
Long-Suffering Wife waited for me to put it in the car so she could ask
"Can you make the Earth move?"
Then laughed way too long."
JOY 2


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Fence Still Standing #TightwadDad 081


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Friday, 26 April 2019

Fence Still Standing #TightwadDad 081




I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Builder: Second part payment for our fence.
"It's still standing!"
JOY 10

- Poundland: Card for school project.
"Not the right type of card."
JOY 2

- Art Shop: Card for school project.
JOY 9



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Our boundaries are back #TightwadDad 080


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Thursday, 25 April 2019

Our boundaries are back #TightwadDad 080

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Pilates
JOY 10

- German supermarket: Bread and fish "Calamari's on offer. I'm stockpiling."
JOY 10

- Builder: first part payment to fix our fence.
"We've got a fence. Our boundaries are back.
This is my legacy for my family.
This area is theirs and it exists now."
JOY 10


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Driven by fear #TightwadDad 079


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Wednesday, 24 April 2019

Driven by fear #TightwadDad 079

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- German supermarket - washing up liquid, bin liners, toilet roll, baby corn. Frozen raspberries. bagels tea cakes. Two lots of milk.
"I thought I was getting good value for money but now I've said what I got, I'm not so sure."
JOY 8

- German supermarket: evening chocolate run.
JOY 8

- Mobile phone bill
“I will look into other networks, but am driven by fear to do nothing.
How can you call it “driven” by fear.
Nothing’s moving.
I future-worry that the network I move to will have lousy coverage, a terrible voicemail interface, and the move might lose me the phone number I have had for over 23 years.
Maybe I should change my number anyway.”
JOY 2


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Can't find electric cupboard plastic key #TightwadDad 078


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Tuesday, 23 April 2019

Can't find electric cupboard plastic key #TightwadDad 078

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- German supermarket: Big bag full of stuff. 2 bags of oranges, some apples, bread.
JOY 7

- Gas & Electricity bill
"It's estimated up because I can't be bothered to find the plastic key thing that opens the electric meter.
Maybe I'll leave it estimated up so we buy energy now before the prices go up again."
JOY 3



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Pricey supermarket top up #TightwadDad 077


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Monday, 22 April 2019

Sunday, 21 April 2019

Biscuits ingredients #TightwadDad 076



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Big supermarket chain top-up shop: Some meat and ingredients for the kid’s cookery lesson tomorrow.
“I like that this means biscuits.”
JOY 9


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What if we spend too much on fountain pens #TightwadDad 075


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Saturday, 20 April 2019

What if we spend too much on fountain pens #TightwadDad 075

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Big supermarket top-up shop: bread and milk.
"What if we were to you know just stop eating bread and milk?"
JOY 6

- Swimming Lessons.
JOY 9

- Stationery shop in high street: Fountain Pen.
"Purely to stop them from buying something they’ll regret and break 10 minutes later. Our spending on fountain pens feels like it's higher than most people.
That feels like that should make us better people.
But somehow it doesn’t."
JOY 10


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Getting away from our smartphones #TightwadDad 074


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Friday, 19 April 2019

Getting away from our smartphones #TightwadDad 074



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Martial Arts monthly fee.
“There has to be something cool in a month where martial arts is one of your biggest outgoings.”
JOY 10

- Water company direct debit.
“Now my kid is thinking up more inventive ways to use less water, than washing less.”
JOY 1

- Coffee with my wife in an independent coffee shop.
"We did it to get away from our smartphones for an hour.
Then spent an hour talking about stuff we've seen on our smartphones."
JOY 9


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Broadband company going through our stuff #TightwadDad 073


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Thursday, 18 April 2019

Broadband company going through our stuff #TightwadDad 073

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Broadband bill.
“Think we’re getting our money’s worth this month.
Hate it when they tell us how much we’re using though, even though it doesn’t affect the bill.
It’s like they’re going through our stuff.
When really, it’s our stuff going through them.”
JOY 6

- German supermarket chain top-up shop.
“I can’t even bring myself to write out some of the things we bought again.”
JOY 8

- Pilates.
JOY 10

- Big supermarket chain top-up shop: Including trying to stop the kids buying national charity day plastic junk so the supermarket chain can advertise itself on the national charity day and losing out to “But it’s for charity.”
“National charity day plastic junk didn’t even make it as far as the car park.”
JOY 1


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Fasting for kids #TightwadDad 072


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Wednesday, 17 April 2019

Fasting for kids #TightwadDad 072



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Mobile phone bill
“Really will look into moving networks.”
JOY 1

- Coffee shop chain: Decaf coconut latte.
“Took it completely for granted.”
JOY 6

- German supermarket chain: Bread x2
“Buy one get another slightly less offer.”
JOY 9

- Burger chain restaurant meal for the kids.
“It felt really good for us, the adults, not to have one.
That’s willpower.

And one of the kids talked about trying out fasting.
They really want to do it.

I think they were giddy on a burger-and-fries buzz.

But I really want to have a go at that.
Can you start a fast when you’re not on a burger-and-fries buzz?
I’ll have to find the right moment.”
JOY 9


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Companies goalhanging our charity money #TightwadDad 071


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Tuesday, 16 April 2019

Companies goalhanging our charity money #TightwadDad 071



This is happening more and more, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

You finish a transaction with a company.
You're about to pay.
Our business together is done.

And then they ask you that question.
"Would you like to donate something to charity?"

Yes. Of course the answer is yes.

But... do I have to do it right now?

What's bugging me about companies rattling the collection tin at the checkout or on the payment page...

...is that they then get all the glory from my 5 pence.

They won't mention me when they present the novelty cheque.

They will completely take the credit for my cash.

I'm the one who donated.
Not them.

And now they won't shut up about it.

We haven't even finished our deal yet.

Are they trying to distract me?

Why can't they ask me after I've bought their thing?

This is too much to take in.

So I don't tick the box.

And now suddenly I'm the bad guy.

And it's not even their 5p.


I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Big Supermarket top-up shop:
“I don’t know. I got rolls and eggs. It was 15 quid and I can’t even remember what I got.”
JOY 7


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Criminals don't pay for the criminal checks #TightwadDad 070


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Monday, 15 April 2019

Criminals don't pay for the criminal checks #TightwadDad 070



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- DBS (criminal record) check for a volunteer position.
“Funny how the criminals don’t pay for this service...
but everyone who’s innocent and clean, does.
Almost like some kind of sign of how society works.”
JOY 8

- German Supermarket Chain top-up shop: Fish, milk, bread.
“It feels like a Biblical shop.”
JOY 7


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What does it take to move banks #TightwadDad 069


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Sunday, 14 April 2019

What does it take to move banks #TightwadDad 069



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Banking fees.
“I don’t know what it’s going to take to get me to move banks.”
JOY 1

- German supermarket chain top-up shop: Meat, bread, own-brand butter faking a famous brand butter
JOY 7

BIRTHDAY TRIP!
- Pizza chain in a massive shopping centre in another city.
“Spent 10 minutes trying to work out the combination of offers which worked best in our favour. Felt so good about this that we splashed out on not sharing one unlimited drink.”
JOY 9

+ Parking: FREE.
“Tried out a theory that I could negotiate my ticket not working at the barrier, but ended up driving straight through unchecked. Win!”
JOY 10

- Big supermarket chain petrol station: Diesel.
“Lovely chat with the booth woman about her second massive full colour arm tattoo that was flaking all over the till.
Used a voucher which saved us about half the cash we spent on the extra drink at lunch.”
JOY 9


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Kids party stuff #TightwadDad 068


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Saturday, 13 April 2019

Kids party stuff #TightwadDad 068



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- German supermarket: Stuff for kid's party (pineapple, bananas, melon, popcorn) cereal, and maple syrup x2 (there's an offer on)
JOY 6


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Not helping with the goldfish food #TightwadDad 067


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Friday, 12 April 2019

Not helping with the goldfish food #TightwadDad 067



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Online Supermarket Delivery: Incl. birthday cake ingredients and goldfish food.
"Brazened out standing there while the delivery driver carried the crates to the kitchen.
Acting like someone from Downton Abbey.
Didn't enjoy it though."
JOY 6


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Bus countdown better than jet packs #TightwadDad 066


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Thursday, 11 April 2019

Bus countdown better than jet packs #TightwadDad 066



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Train ticket
"Paid extra to travel in 45 minutes earlier for a meeting that was cancelled because the train company, Department for Transport and person I was meeting hate me."
JOY 4

- Bus fares x2
"My phone counts down when they'll arrive. This is better than jet packs and hoverboards."
JOY 9

- London Underground fares x2
"I love any place where my phone doesn't work."
JOY 9

- Pint of beer, pint of coke and a tray of chips.
"Playing the game, "Which will end my life first.""
JOY 9


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66 Days To Form A Habit #TightwadDad 065


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Wednesday, 10 April 2019

66 Days To Form A Habit #TightwadDad 065



This is Day 65 of publishing what we are spending every day.
They say that it takes 66 days of doing something before it forms a habit.
I'm not sure I want to go through with forming this as a habit.
It's hard enough collaborating with my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) to share what we're spending.

What's funny is that when I spend £1.50 on a bus fare, that then becomes a line here.
Charles Dickens was paid a penny per word published.
Me?
I am paying out £1.50 per line published.
That's progress.
That's how things have changed.

I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Online Store: Birthday presents.
"How nice we can celebrate with the gift of stuff."
JOY 8

- Martial Arts grading fee for Orange Belt.
"We'll have to do it now."
JOY 10


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Me And The Mud Hut And The Family #TightwadDad 064


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Tuesday, 9 April 2019

Me And The Mud Hut And The Family #TightwadDad 064



We’ve got enough to live on right now.
You know how I know?
Because we’re not living in a refugee emergency tent or a mud hut.

But if I lived in a mud hut, I’d only end up wanting a bigger mud hut.
And more mud.
And moaning about the amount of dirty well water going into the mud.

“How can I get a bigger mud hut?!
Is this a comment on me and my worth as a resourceful provider?”

And we’d be competing with next door for dirty well water containers.
And they’d just be mocking me for my Third World Problems.


I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- School Lunch for kid.
"The Government makes us send our kids to school or £1000 fine... but it doesn't feed them."
JOY 3


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Life Insurance So My Family Can Carry On Spending #TightwadDad 063


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Monday, 8 April 2019

Life Insurance So My Family Can Carry On Spending #TightwadDad 063



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Life insurance.
“In the event of my death, my family can carry on spending.”
JOY 7

- Coffee Shop Chain Coffee Shop: Decaf coconut latte.
“I was grumpy because they’ve gone back to charging my collapsible reusable bucket (LINK) as ‘large’.
Right up until an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair sat opposite me.

Obviously, he sat opposite.
It’s not like he could cartwheel.

He then started the loudest phonecall that’s ever hit my ears about
“REMOVING THE BLOCK ON MY ANSWERPHONE.”

The mobile phone company call centre worker spoke excellent English, but the script he was following was complete gibberish.
Which meant they fell into this jawdropping loop that wouldn’t stop.

“I NEED YOU TO REMOVE THE BLOCK ON MY ANSWERPHONE.
Okay can I take you through security please?
NO, CAN YOU PLEASE TAKE OFF THE BLOCK ON - MY - ANSWERPHONE.
Okay but first I need to take you through security please.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU.
I NEED YOU TO REMOVE THE BLOCK ON MY PHONE MESSAGES.
Okay but we need to complete security please.
CAN YOU DO IT?
I’M NOT GETTING MY ANSWERPHONE.
I NEED YOU TO REMOVE THE BLOCK.
Right but I need you to complete some security questions first.

By this point, the entire coffee shop stopped what they were doing.
(Which wasn’t that much, but we were all rapt.)

OKAY.
So first, I’m going to need the last 4 digits of the card which you pay with.
THE LAST 4 DIGITS?
I HAVEN’T GOT THAT CARD WITH ME.

We were all now - every last person in that coffee shop - completely rooting for the elderly gentleman in the wheelchair.
A woman stepped forward and offered to act as translator between the age-experienced gentleman and the excellent English-as-a-mastered-second-language call centre worker to broker a break to the deadlock.

I get back from the toilet, and the woman’s reading digits from a bank card down his phone.
“6 - 6 - 3 - 1. Thank you.
No... I’m not related. I’m just a woman in the coffee shop trying to help.

She passes the phone back to the Elderly Gentleman.
“You need to say the numbers.
SIX. SIX. THREE. ONE.”

They say that community has broken down.
But from here, for about 10 minutes, it’s looking pretty strong.

It looks like we are pretty united - call-centre worker included - united against the forces keeping us apart.

All of us have been in that elderly gentleman’s wheelchair.

Maybe the way to bring things round to how they could be, is to repeatedly shout
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU.

If we all did that, the next time we want

If absolutely all of us in the world did that the next time we need something fixed...
Can you imagine what we could achieve?

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU.”
JOY 9

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WHAT IS A POMELO? #TightwadDad 062


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Sunday, 7 April 2019

WHAT IS A POMELO? #TightwadDad 062



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- FREE Bookshop: 1x World Book Day book offer book.
“It would be 10 but one of our kids lost their World Book Day Voucher.”
JOY 5

- German Supermarket Chain top-up: Ingredients for kid’s cookery class tomorrow.
“Finally, we’re a day ahead!”
JOY 10




WHAT IS A POMELO? #TightwadDad Podcast with Neil and Joe 011

You ready?
Yes.
Let’s do it.
Hello I'm Neil and this is the Tightwad Dad podcast.
We're outdoors.
We’re cutting a pomelo. And it’s bruised.

Do you know what a pomelo is?
Erm all I know is it’s a honey pomelo.
Yeah but I don't I don't know what it is either.

It's like a exotic fruit.
Got a second camera so we can get some close-ups.
Some action pomelo closeups.

What does it smell of?
Smells weird.
Oh.
Nearly lost my nose then.
Oh.
You said, before, you thought I couldn’t do it.
Oh, it feels so squishy!
Can I smell it?

How do you think we should cut it?
Do you think you’re supposed to cut it--
In half.

Yeah what like down or across?
It says to cut it down.
Oh there’s instructions - let's show the instructions.
So is this a pomelo unboxing?
Yes.

Yeah pause the video I'll show you the instructions. I still don't quite understand them.
So I gave you a bread knife instead of the super sharp knife.
Oooh it looks weird.

It looks like a giant lemon.
Woah, it might be.
Ohmygod the seeds!.
Go on, eat it eat it go on.

And the trouble with this pomelo is that we've been planning this video for about two months and it's been by the kettle hasn't it for about five weeks because we got it after Christmas.
It's now end of February so this this might not taste very nice.
Good work.

It smells like grapefruit.
You know it would take me like two seconds to look it up on Wikipedia.
It spurts.
It’s like a lemon.

“What is a pomelo?”
Oh here we go right so a pomelo is the largest of the citrus fruits with a thick yellow skin and bitter pulp.
I like bitter stuff.

Do you think you could just peel it out like this you know like a big orange piece?
Oh that's like
[OFFSCREEN RUDE SOUND]
[GIGGLES]
I won't tell you who that was.
[MORE GIGGLES]

It's almost like we're turning the podcast into a cookery vlog.
Right, should I open it and then we'll take a bite?
I think this is really off.
Go on you bite, I’ll bite.
[UGH! PFFT!]

I didn't spit it out, I like it.
Oh I did.
I spit out a seed. Could we grow a pomelo?
Go on, go on, plant it!
So yeah it tastes like a--
I’ll plant a pomelo tree.

It tastes like a grapefruit.
Okay! Planted!
We're gonna turn this into a gardening vlog now.

How would you describe this to someone who’s looked up on YouTube “what does a pomelo taste like?”
It's fairly sour, not very sour.
Sweet.
I like it.
But it’s kept it quite well - yeah - because it's huge.
That's because of its thick skin.
All of that has been protecting it.
I didn't-- I didn't think I'd eat this much.
Excuse me.
I'm just planting one.
[LAUGHS]

If you've got to this point in the video - like and subscribe - don't forget to leave a comment if you’ve tasted one. How would you describe a pomelo?
Answers below.
That rhymes!
Bye.
Ugh. It's not that good.
I like it.


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Chewing Gum Crime Wave #TightwadDad 061


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Saturday, 6 April 2019

Chewing Gum Crime Wave #TightwadDad 061



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Swimming lessons.
“And... think of it as a nice wash too.”
JOY 8

- Big Supermarket Chain Express Store: Curry sauce x2.

“We went in there for bubblegum but they had an offer on the Tikka Masala.

Discovered not only no bubblegum, but also low stocks on chewing gum.
There’d been a robbery.

The chewing gums were stolen en masse, probably to order.

This is why chewing gum racks have a security lock over the display.

I thought it was to make it look more cool.

But where would you want to buy stolen chewing gums?
It is pretty pricey though.
I checked the shelf edge label.
£2.81 per 100g.

It’s six pounds more expensive per kg than fillet steak.
Let me say that again.

Their chewing gum.
Is more expensive.
Per kilogram.
Than their finest fillet steak.

And it smells nicer.”
JOY 9


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Ratio of Bread to Stomach #TightwadDad 060


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Friday, 5 April 2019

Ratio of Bread to Stomach #TightwadDad 060



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Coffee Shop Chain Shop: Decaf coconut latte.
“It was a good visit, but the sameness I crave is now wearing off.
I used a different table to shake things up a little, but maybe this ruined the monotony.”
JOY 8

- German Supermarket Chain top-up shop: Incl. Bread x2. On offer.
“The ratio of bread-special-offer-to-time-spent-at-the-checkouts was set a little against me contributing a meaningful life on this planet.”
JOY 7

- Life cover.
“With the amount of bread I am eating, I probably need it.”
JOY 7


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Late-Night Emergency Chocolate Run #TightwadDad 059


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Thursday, 4 April 2019

Late-Night Emergency Chocolate Run #TightwadDad 059



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Train Ticket.
“Always delighted if it’s running.
One point down trying to ignore the building work turning our really cute local station into looking like a Young Offender Institution.”
JOY 9

- Major London Department Store: Duvet.
“Ongoing bedding standoff in our house might now have a breakthrough solution.
And that outcome is... 10.5 Tog...
Will it work all seasons, or none?”
JOY 10

- German Supermarket Chain: Emergency 9pm chocolate run.
“It was 11 for the first row of squares, but by half the bar it was down to 6.
And couldn’t stop eating until it was down to 3.”
JOY 3


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Playing Bumpy Sax with my kids before school #TightwadDad 058


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Wednesday, 3 April 2019

Playing Bumpy Sax with my kids before school #TightwadDad 058



I started playing basketball with the kids on the hoop by the path outside the school.

It’s a basketball post put up to commemorate the Year 2000.

And on the post in big letters - with a phone number - it says “B*M S*X”.

Maybe the B*M S*X is also some kind of Millennium project.
To make the country more active.

Except it’s not.
That would be ludicrous.
It’s in marker pen.

Maybe it’s the exercise... but a brilliant idea pops into my head.
I’ve got a marker pen in my pocket, to put my son’s name on the ball.
“Why don’t I change it?”

But I launched into it without thinking it through.
Firstly I was so worried about checking the coast so that no-one would see me graffiti’ing the post, I completely forgot my kids were watching me.

“Dad? Why are you writing on the B*M S*X?”
“Well, it’s not a very nice thing to have on the post... so I’m going to make it nicer.”

“Dad. Why have you written BUMPY S*X?
“I haven’t finished yet!”

I didn’t have an exit strategy.
For the B*M S*X.

And did a really lame A, to make it into BUMPY SAX.
The kids giggled.
Job done.

I told my Long-Suffering Wife about it later, because I hoped no-one else saw me.

“Oh that’s great! That’s been there for years!
Why didn’t someone do that sooner?”

I know exactly why.

Nobody wants to get caught doodling BUMPY SAX on the only post in front of the school.


I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- Coffee Shop Chain Shop: Decaf coconut latte.
“Even while an elderly lady is retching (or is it wretching) so loudly for 20 minutes, the whole top floor can hear and pretend they can’t hear her.”
JOY 9

- Big Supermarket Chain Top-Up: Incl. strawberries.
“Who doesn’t feel joy at some strawberries?”
JOY 9


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Free Sand #TightwadDad 057


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Tuesday, 2 April 2019

Free Sand #TightwadDad 057



I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- German Supermarket Chain top-up shop: Incl. veg, maple syrup, milk, ketchup.
“Only went in for milk.”
JOY 7

- Big Supermarket In Another Town Service Station: Diesel.
“Scored high because full tank, 10% cheaper per litre than our town, got lots of loyalty points.
Lost points because there’d been a big diesel spill and my pump area is covered in sand.
All I can think is:
“This is free diesel.
Just lying here on the ground.
And the sand.”

“Hey kids, something for the garden.
And fireworks night.
There’s your spade and dry powder extinguisher.
You are good to go!”
JOY 7

- Coffee Shop Chain: Decaf coconut latte.
“Lots of work done, plus drink charged as a ‘small’ even though it’s a 16oz reusable bucket.”
JOY 9


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Six more weeks with a broken toe #TightwadDad 056


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Monday, 1 April 2019

Six more weeks with a broken toe #TightwadDad 056



I have 6 weeks to go before I can do normal things with my toe.

According to the Doctor in the Fracture Clinic, it’s 4-6 weeks before I can go back to
mastering my Gold Belt Senior rear leg swing kick in my martial arts.

Or booting the bin in temper.
(Breaking the martial arts principles of Humility, Gentleness, Self-Control and Unbreakable Spirit. And my toe.)

So we’ll keep going with sharing our spending publicly, while I’m still healing.
It will help me practice the principle of Humility.

Something else I need to master is not knowing if I’m sharing these things as “I” or “we”.

It is me pushing for all this bank statement sharing, but I couldn’t do this without my family.
On every level.


I am a #TightwadDad and making my family happy with...

- FREE: Basketball with the kids before school on the Millennium basketball post outside the school gate.

- Big chain supermarket shop: Bits for kid’s cookery class.
“Why can’t we remember to get it on a day before the cookery class?
And what is Olive Paste?
Would they notice if it was missing?
I guess that’s not the point of following recipes in cookery class.
It should be called ‘shopping class’.
At least we’re learning new words.
Like tapenade.
But I’ll dock one point for our tardiness.
It is tardy tapenade.”
JOY 9


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