Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Whats the etiquette in paying for takeaways for hosts? When you visit "for dinner" but a clear expectation to split the bill?



What’s the etiquette in paying for takeaways if you're visiting someone in their home?

If you visit "for dinner", but there's a clear expectation to split the bill?



When you're the host, it seems like a nice thing to offer: Let's get a curry delivered.

It feels like the right thing to do is split the bill - like you would do in a restaurant...

but aren't you expecting guests to chip in for a meal that you'd otherwise be cooking yourself?


So you've been invited round "for dinner".
Great.
They don't feel like cooking.
No problem.
They order out.
Okay.
You're expected to split the bill.


Is that right?


Here are some of your replies:

@femmedomestique COMPLETELY gets the rules already...

If its couples at our house we pay if its at theirs they pay. Girlies together we split everything.

We had neighbours round for first time and they insisted on paying - it felt wrong in my house.

Plus if I'm paying I order the lot!
(link)


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Sunday, 29 January 2012

People who are into dangerous animals as pets are really into them. Spose youd have to be what with them being killers and all that



People who are into dangerous animals as pets, are really into them.

Suppose you'd have to be, what with them being killers and all that.










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Saturday, 28 January 2012

A List Of Words Associated With Disney



DISNEY WORDS

Needed to do a word association with Disney... This is what came out.
A list of words linked to Disney...

101 Dalmatians
A Bug's Life
Adventureland
Aladdin
Alice In Wonderland
Animation
Anna
Arandelle
Ariel
Aurora
Bambi
Bare Necessities
Bashful
Be My Guest
Beauty And The Beast
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Belle
Buzz Lightyear
Cars
Cars
Cartoon
Castle
Christopher Robin
Cinderella
Circle Of Life
Clubhouse
Cruel De Ville
Disney Store
Disneyland Paris
Disneyworld
Doc
Donald Duck
Dopey
Dory
Dumbo
Eeyore
Elastigirl
Elsa
Emperor's New Groove
Enchanted
Esmerelda
Fantasia
Fantasyland
Finding Nemo
Fireworks
Frontierland
Gepetto
Giselle
Goofy
Grumpy
Hakuna matata
Hannah Montana
Happy
High School Musical
It's A Small World
Jack Sparrow
Jessica Rabbit
Jiminy Cricket
Lady And The Tramp
Let It Go
Lightning McQueen
Lilo
Lion King
Little Mermaid
Magic Kingdom
Main Street Parade
March Hare
Mary Poppins
Mickey Mouse
Mike
Minnie Mouse
Monsters Inc.
Mr. Potato Head
Nemo
Neverland
Nightmare Before Christmas
Olaf
One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing
Parade
Peter Pan
Peter Pan
Phineas And Ferb
Piglet
Pinocchio
Pirates Of The Caribbean
Pixar
Pluto
Pocahontas
Pooh
Pumbaa
Ride
Robin Hood
Roger Rabbit
Scrooge McDuck
Seven Dwarfs
Simba
Sleeping Beauty
Sleepy
Sneezy
Someday My Prince Will Come
Stitch
Sully
Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious
The Aristocats
The Fox And The Hound
The Incredibles
The Jungle Book
The Princess Diaries
Tigger
Tigger
Tinker Bell
Tomorrowland
Toon
Tour Guide Barbie
Toy Story
Tron
Tweedledum
Up
Walt
Walt Disney
Wendy Darling
When You Wish Upon A Star
White Rabbit
Wicked Stepmother
Winnie The Pooh
Wizards Of Waverly Place
Woody
XD
You've Got A Friend In Me
Zip A Dee Doo Dah!


Got any others? Click on comments below!


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Monday, 23 January 2012

One of my most favourite things on the net: What Writers Wear.


Because even though we're all on the team, we've still gotta pick sides.

And here's the corollary to the monkey/zookeeper theory: the bigger the zookeeper, the more you gotta re-affirm your monkeyness. And it's not easy believe you me...The first meeting you have with that director, the first president of production pitch, it's easy to lose your nerve and throw on that shirt you usually save for a first date.

You may as well lie down and give them your throat. It's the law of the jungle--show weakness, let them know you know they've got all the power and you're only there by their grace...

Me, if I'm meeting with someone over the v.p. level I do two things differently: first, I strap on my expensive watch. Second, I don't wear any socks.
Full blog post is here. Enjoy!
http://hucksblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/happy-day-of-atonement.html#114739466057154350



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Sunday, 22 January 2012

Cashpoint receipts: Like, yes, if the machine cheats you, you've completely got the proof you need.

(pic from here)



Cashpoint receipts.
Like, yes, if the machine cheats you, you've completely got all the proof you need.

Or maybe it's for a reminder. For the cash you no longer have.

If you've got an electronic machine, hardwired into the mainframe of a multinational banking conglomerate, dispensing actual hard local currency... doesn't it feel like that slightly outranks the scrap of paper you've got in your hand?

I can't take any comfort in the cashpoint receipt.


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Thursday, 19 January 2012

Dad thoughts. Morning telly.




Spent the morning daydreaming the mechanics of breeding a Zingzilla with a Tweenie.

Stopped and turned over to Milkshake on Channel 5.



Daydreamed the mechanics of breeding Derek with Jen.



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Monday, 16 January 2012

10 Best free things I use online


Alright, might end up with more than 10.

But this is the place for banking the sites I use for my online stuff, so at least I'll know where to find them...

Superlame - comic balloon generator



Creately - infographic generator
(How to make infographics, charts and diagrams)




Picnick - another online picture editor
This is great, really nice interface with loads of ways of funking up your pictures. Only downside is you cant use your own fonts to write on the pictures... so for that, I use Pixlr...



Pixlr - online picture editor



Splicd - How to pick out a clip from youtube to link or embed




Keep-Calm-O-Matic
How to make your very own KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON poster





How to Email A Car

Someone cuts you up? Tailgating?

Here's the very British answer: send a message to the car.

http://www.emailacar.com


Don't get mad. Email a car.
EmailACar.com lets you leave a public anonymous message for any road user in the world using their car number / registration plate. Check your messages too.

http://www.emailacar.com

Hootsuite
Dashboard for scheduling and replying to tweets

SocialOomph
Use this to schedule tweets from templates

w3schools
for html tips (the code used for making the posts look readable)




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Thursday, 12 January 2012

What word did your family use for 'girl bits'? We've got willy and peanuts for the boy, but the girl?


[innocent pic of the kids went here - but it still felt a bit weird having a photo of them online...]

What word did your family use for 'girl bits' when you were a kid?

We've got willy and peanuts for the boy, but the girl?


When I asked this on twitter, I got a load of adult words for girls bits.

Nothing wrong with that, and some of them frankly sound better than the extreme euphemisms used in the family for the female downstairs.

Our family word for it was 'Mary' - which was hilarious to us alone when we got the board game 'Mary' (which, ironically involved putting magnetic clothes on the poor girl).


I've heard other families use 'Moo-Moo' (do 'M' words go well, for some reason?), but what word did your family use for it when you were growing up?

When talking to toddlers about girl bits?


Click here for all the stuff I have to deal with as a Dad

UPDATE:
These are the replies from twitter when I have posted this:

(Felt too wrong and permanent publishing credits for these replies, so semi-anonymous thanks and credits are in comments below...)

Fanny
Minnie
Front bottom
Wiggy
Flower or Wee wee
Tuppy
Petit sucre
Doorstep
Winkle (for a girl)
Bits and pieces
Minky
"no name for it"
Button
Privates
Twinkle
Hapney
Floof
Noony
Fairy
Ginny
Mimsy
Fner
YaYa
Mustn't Touch It

From Facebook:-
FroBo (short for front bottom)
Peaches and cream
Lady Bits
Noodle
Fanfare
Dinky
Tuttie
Foof or foofoo
Lulu
Mary-Jane




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Wednesday, 11 January 2012

What Is A Beta Male?

What Is A Beta Male?

A Beta Male is a man who thinks he is an Alpha Male,
but isn't.


Mankind has passed its harshest judgement of worth:

Beta Male doesn’t even get his own page on Wikipedia.



It's redirected to the Alpha Male listing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beta_male

Even here, “Beta male” is under the Alpha.

But Beta Males think they are useful.
They think they have all the power, because Alpha Males can't do anything without Betas agreeing to be there.

There have been hundreds, thousands of texts, books, and articles written about Leaders. The Secrets of Leadership... How To Become A Leader... How To Beat Everyone Else... How To Win.

Nothing has been written about how to be a great follower.
Maybe it's because we don't aspire to be the other guys... the wing-men... supporters... cheerleaders.


(By the way, never, ever, leave Mickey hanging.)

But we all know when we feel like we are "Also in the room". Blanked. Sidelined. Chumps.

Who would have the courage to out themselves as a proud Beta Male?

To remind those mouth-breathing gobshites who think the world was created to hear their roar, would be nothing without you.

Being Beta is not about feeling thwarted.

Or hapless.

Beta Male is an awesome lifestyle, and right here is where I will try to show you why.

HOW TO BE A BETA MALE


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Monday, 9 January 2012

"Quite possibly, the best New York Times correction in history"...

via @kerri9494 and more here


"Correction: December 30, 2011
An article on Monday about Jack Robison and Kirsten Lindsmith, two college students with Asperger syndrome who are navigating the perils of an intimate relationship, misidentified the character from the animated children's TV show "My Little Pony" that Ms. Lindsmith said she visualized to cheer herself up.

It is Twilight Sparkle, the nerdy intellectual, not Fluttershy, the kind animal lover."

Had to check myself. Twilight Sparkle.




Fluttershy.




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Sunday, 8 January 2012

House Of Lies - official Showtime ipad app


House Of Lies - Official app - walkthrough







Writer / Digital Producer, HOUSE OF LIES app for Showtime Networks, produced by Seven Publishing Ltd. Digital Team

"STROKE YOUR GENIUS"
Wrote content and concepts on 9 segments across all 7 chapters of the official app for the Showtime comedy drama, HOUSE OF LIES, starring Don Cheadle, Kristin Bell, Ben Schwartz, Josh Lawson and Dawn Olivieri.



(Including (my favourite) the BS Generator, Glossary, Meet The Team, A Year Of Your Life As A Management Consultant, Interactive Hostile Workplace HR Training Infographic, Expenses Cleanup, Travel, Swimming With Sharks, and Marty's Manifesto).




It's available here as an ipad app:
HOUSE OF LIES IPAD APP
http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/stroke-your-genius-martys/id488234994?mt=8

(PS can anyone tell me if this is available in the UK?)




It's available on the Android Market (now called Google Play):
HOUSE OF LIES ANDROID APP
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.showtime.houseoflies




It's also available on the Barnes & Noble Nook:
HOUSE OF LIES NOOK APP
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/stroke-your-genius-showtime-networks-inc/1108055549?ean=2940043873415





What's great about writing on a TV series app, is the pulling together and balancing of three disciplines:

How it hits the eye.
DESIGN
High-end glossy magazine skills
Aesthetics
Does it look great and match the design rules of the show?

How it hits the finger (and device).
ENGINEERING
App building and coding skillsets
Functionality
Can it be done technically, and does it work?

And finally, where I come in...

How it hits the brain.
WRITING
TV/Broadcast writing skills
Content
Is it funny, and is it in the right character voice of the show?

We're still in a frontiersland for this kind of work, but I think that if any chapter of an app (ipad, Nook, or Android) excludes or leans too heavily on one of the three above... it just doesn't work.


Click here to see how my desk looked in the middle of it

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Friday, 6 January 2012

Every post from 2012...


Here's a list of every post this year...

(click here for all the latest posts)

January

Raw Dad Stuff - everything from my DadDesk

I remember when I first saw twitter. It was like the train delay was coming right at me.

Hitler Cats Who Hate South West Trains Monopoly 1

A new list: Sat Nav phrases in songs. Got any others?

I want to use a land train as a family car.

Milton sterilizing fluid. It cleans anything. Why aren’t we putting this stuff on everything?

House Of Lies - official Showtime ipad app

"Quite possibly, the best New York Times correction in history"...

Not everyones got common sense, so why is it called common sense?

What Is A Beta Male?

What word did your family use for 'girl bits'? We've got willy and peanuts for the boy, but the girl?

I love that surgeons compete to outdo each other’s graphical explanation of the operation they are about to perform.

10 Best free online things I use for posting on the web

A story in 2 words. Or the most literal shoe shop on the High Street.

Dad thoughts. Morning telly.

Cashpoint receipts: Like, yes, if the machine cheats you, you've completely got the proof you need.

One of my most favourite things on the net: What Writers Wear.

A List Of Words Associated With Disney

People who are into dangerous animals as pets are really into them. Spose youd have to be what with them being killers and all that

Another way to beat writers block

Whats the etiquette in paying for takeaways for hosts? When you visit "for dinner" but a clear expectation to split the bill?


February

Why dont we have Metric Boobs in the UK?

Dance Routines of the Rich and Famous.

Here is a list of words meaning "great". Got any others?

10 More new band names. I am better at this than Simon Cowell.

I’m in a long-term relationship. We’ve gone through three loo seats.

I’ll hunt across 3 shelves in a supermarket to save 30p, but when it comes to Council Tax...


March

This is the BBC. (All-Time Fave TV #8)

Dad Thoughts: Metal Handled Pots

#RawDadStuff - Me Vs. Lang Lang's Dad

My Derren Brown Stunt On The Train

All-Time Fave TV #9 - Mitch Hedberg

Equal Quantities Of Dinner For The Other Half?

The Classified Ad Break - got any others?

Weird gift

Fave TV #10 - Best Action Scene Ever, Ever, Ever

Radio Jingle Night


April

Why do all Elderly Crossing road signs show an apparently old heterosexual couple?

Someone cuts you up? Tailgating? Want to send them a message?

Fave TV #11 - Pipkins

Watching TV with the kids...

Pub Menus

My all-time favourite scene about TV sitcom writing.

DadDesk: Why am I teaching my toddlers about exotic animals?


May

Today I am wearing my bag like Carrie from Homeland

Its May. Time to pay my sunglasses for the toddler to break tax.

The most compelling and disturbing cartoon I have ever seen

Subtle hints from @Tesco supermarket (and others...)

Engelbert Humperdinck on the BBC Xmas VT tape 1979 - All-time Fave TV #13

Giving away my material for free


June

Giving away my material for free

Digital Producer/Writer of Branded Content, at Seven

Why do we do Risk Assessments

Millionaire

Lulworth. Not done yet.

Do you have your own lookalike? -- Update

Social Media that isn't very impressive...

Special Forces words and phrases - real and from fiction

Bad News (Graphics)

Toddler Art - The Full Collection.

I think I bought Directors Trainers

Latest from the DadDesk - "I'll let you go"

How does your wifi box area look? Or round the back of your telly.

How do you answer the phone?

Know your British coins

Favourite things - How to answer the phone to a telemarketing cold caller

How to turn your blog into a webseries

Latest from the DadDesk - Steel Drum Music

Great article - Whatever happened to the YouTube killers

More bad news... (Graphics)

Wondered why YouTube video views freeze at 301?

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofas End

Sick Mums say the funniest things


July

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Favourite Seth Godin posts

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - The Phone Book

How I got my first job

FAVE TV #14 - Le Tour De France

How my favourite 10 bits of social media get a disproportionate response

Mitch Hedberg dealing with a heckler

Death of a TV platform in our house. ON Digital - ITV Digital RIP.

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Fence Behind Your Head

Top Of The Pops Graphics humour

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Rejected daughter names

More social media that isn't very impressive...

FAVE TV #15 - Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Optimistic shelf-edge labelling

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Harsh financial reality

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Artist with Permanent Red on Whiteboard

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Daddanomics

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Recreating that Athena Poster

FAVE TV #16 - The Adverts


August

How to write 4000 words a day

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Freedom Corner

Mummy's Computer - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

More fave bits of the web - Antoine Dodson

More useful free things on the web - Mersey speak

More fave tv ads... - R Whites and Smash

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Pencil Food

Funny niche blogs and other blogs I like

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART - Pencil Food OH

More blogs I follow - London Reconnections

ASK BECKS - David Beckham answers questions from Paralympians

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART - Two Lines from my Doctor's Desk

COMPOST CORNER

How to build your own steadicam...

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Lines Behind the Dining


September

The RDA with John Gordillo - Full Series of The Recommended Daily Allowance

Middle Class Injuries - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Setting the clock on a Lamona oven - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

The Voice spinning chairs done by Derek Batey - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

DAD IDEAS - Street SAD Lamps

Google is optimistic - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Telephone Line

The RDA with John Gordillo S1E01PT2

Words I have had to add manually to my android phone dictionary - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Motorway Theatre - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Space Ghost, Coast-To-Coast - Fave TV #17

Watching The News songs - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Watches - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART - Hand Traffic Brown

London Mayoral Inauguration 2000 on The RDA with John Gordillo S1E01PT3

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - The stairs

Alcoholism - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Dad Lessons For My Kids - Fella

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Sorry I hit your car note

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Red Green Blue Hallway You

Sally Gray on The RDA with John Gordillo S1E01PT4

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - A look at the morning newspapers

Lazy Journalism, Bein' Freelance & Your own soapbox - More favorite Seth Godins

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - my #18 fave TV

Songs I haven't written - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Blogs I haven't yet started - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Sofa Light Comms

The RDA with John Gordillo - S1E02PT1

Why blogging is a bit like writing a standup routine - or Tweets for the blog - treating a blog like a standup routine


October

Rastamouse Subtitle Of The Day

Sir Jimmy Saville OBE helps a girl to polish a python on Jim'll Fix It

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Behind The Door...

Welsh Sofas and the Happy Palestinian on The RDA with John Gordillo S1E02PT2

On Jeremy Hunt on abortion - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Rastamouse Subtitle Of The Day - business

DAD IDEAS - Free NHS Headgear

Sainsbury's Tiger Bread Letter

Cbeebies Ladies - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Marks Behind Bars

Rastamouse Subtitle Of The Week - Wagwan

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Jewellery

People who have to sit behind David Cameron during speeches - Blogs I havent yet started

Helping my Dad into the Internet Age - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Flat Wall or 3-D?

Scenes from a Credit Crunch Wedding - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Rastamouse Subtitle Of The Week - proper

No Mummy after 7pm - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Favourite blog posts and articles

A Great Disruption - social media that has a disproportionate response

FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY - Green Around The Whiteboard

Toddlers Dialling 999 - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

My Derren Brown stunt on the train - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Rastamouse Subtitle Of The Week - seriously irie

Old People Sodcasting - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

FAVE TV #19 - THE CINEMA ADS (DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS)



Latest life in 2012

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Wednesday, 4 January 2012

I want to use a land train as a family car.


IF YOU ARE AN ALPHA MALE:
you care about looks, appearances, image, FRONT.



This is a Land Train.




So is this.




And this.




I want to use a land train as a family car.


To me, this means I am still Alpha Male:

More space in the back than anyone else, and truly owning the road.

How can you tailgate that?
You can't.
Not at 7 mph.
And you've just got to wait till I stop.


(Though, even within this subset of this niche, why do I still think that I'd end up with that third one in the pictures?)



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Tuesday, 3 January 2012

A new list: Sat Nav phrases in songs. Got any others?


Men. Admit it. Using Sat Nav is essentially asking for directions.

Why not combine it with the stereo, to create The Singing Sat Nav?

Here are some Sat Nav phrases in songs...




"The long and winding road..."

From The Long And Winding Road. By The Beatles (Phil Spector orchestration.
Oh look, EMI blocked it
- just sing it "The Long... and winding road... der der"
- not out loud though. Just in your head, lest you infringe copyright.




"Turn around...."

from Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse Of The Heart.


UPDATE/COMMENTS:

@NEIL
Theres also that Paula Abdul song... Straight Up



@Turtlemisstress
Road to Nowhere - Talking Heads

Jabster
Road Rage Setting: 'Pull up to the bumper'
..and..er.. 'Flash'

- Yeah, I guess that's what you'd do with your headlights...

@saffronkim
Keep Right On To The End Of The Road




Got any others for my Singing Sat Nav? (just click on COMMENTS below)



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Sunday, 1 January 2012

I remember when I first saw twitter. It was like the train delay was coming right at me.




I remember when I first saw twitter.

It was like the train delay was coming right at me.



10 Ways You Know You're Spending Too Much Time On Twitter


CLICK HERE for my other Raw Lines



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Raw Dad Stuff - everything from my DadDesk

DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

**THIS HAS ALL BEEN MOVED NOW
-- THE LATEST AND COMPLETE LIST OF DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS ARE HERE...***


When something like this happens...

...do you reach for the camera, or the hoover?

Me too.



These are my Dad Lessons For My Kids to browse at their leisure,
and then ignore.

Also, kids, if you're reading this in the future, trying to give you a glimpse into the kind of stuff I dealt with while you were growing up.
DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - #1 The Petrol Station.



You can't use your mobile in a petrol station forecourt.

But you can sell barbecue coal, lighter fluid and firestarter briquettes.


- The Phone Book -

BT British Telecom Phone directory phonebook

Life in 2012:

Ah... Its like having milk delivered.

Or a rubiks cube.

If you're seeing this in the future kids,

it's a “Phone” “Book”

put through the “letter”-box.


- 8 Rejected daughter names -



Mecca
The Tamperer
Zonal
Camden
Visa
Preheat
USG
Herbal

Also...
Fructis
Aids Ribbon
Denied

UPDATE/COMMENTS:
Chris M ‏@Nat_vegasgirl
hubs wanted to call daughter Truly Scrumptious. And son Oliphant Thor Endeavour. He got Nathalie & Thomas. Christ my kids owe me

@Lockers_3
we asked our then 8 yr old to think of new babys name, she just made up names, my faves; waxoon, breath and bun! none used
@Lockers_3
...noon, Leece, zoon, Moonen, Breaken, Dinnerm, Cheel... we called her Stevie
@EdamBall
I wanted to call my now non-sleeping 3 1/2 week old Siri. Overruled. Amelia it is.

(click here to leave a comment)


- Optimistic Shelf Edge Labelling -

cow & gate growing up milk, cow and gate

Life in 2012:

I love this optimistic shelf-edge labelling.

Because when someone needs to steal baby milk, this will really make them think twice.


- Harsh Financial Reality -

Life in 2012:
The double-dip recession in the UK bites deeper.

As a reminder of how tough things are financially at the moment:

The £5 option makes a welcome return to our local cashpoint.





- Daddanomics -



Life in 2012:
Last week I worked for two hours to be able to afford to spend half an hour with you in Caffe Nero.

Dads do sums like this.
It's called Daddanomics.
(alright, turns out no-one has ever used this word before according to Google... so what do I know.)




- Recreating that Athena Poster -

When you're a Dad, you lose perspective and go a little nuts.

You lose sleep and go a little nuts.

(pic credit)

Which means you end up in the kitchen with your cameraphone trying to recreate the Athena “Man Holding Baby” poster.

And your other half is fed up because she knows it's a dumb idea, and had even less sleep.

And the baby isn't ready, and had even less sleep, and is weeing all over you.

But it's worth it.



Kind of.

UPDATE/COMMENTS:
@EdamBall
was dreading the tennis poster...


- Mummy's Computer



It's a dishwasher.

Whatever you do, don't call it “Mummys Computer”.


- Setting the clock on a Lamona oven -



Life in 2012:
Here’s how to set or change the clock on a Lamona oven.

Hold down the first two buttons on the left, and use the + or - to set the time.

It's not funny and by the time you see this, it’s probably not much use to you either.

But at least I know where I can find the answer now.

UPDATE:
I get at least 2 hits per day from people searching for this. Leave me a comment if it helped - click here or on comments below



- Google is optimistic



Life in 2012:

Google is an optimist.

It says my account is 8% full,

rather than 92% empty.



- Words I have had to add manually to my android phone dictionary



Life in 2012:
Why can't you type simple words like "at" and "go" into the android keyboard and have them come up as predictive text?

I don't know. But here's some other words I've had to add to the phone's in-built dictionary myself.

abc
Alfie
Alister
apols
arse
ballache
Baz
Bermondsey
bigging
bitch
Blimey (no idea why I gave it a capital B)
Bohemian
bostin
BS (for the BS generator here)
BT
Caz
ciabatta (this is just a made up bread in the UK, right?)
Citv
Clerkenwell
dibs (as in "first"?)
docs
due
dull
Ealing
eol (toddler loves ELO and can't get the letters out quick enough)
EOP (end of part, or end of play)
ep
Euston
fanks
Farringdon
finagles
flakiness
fone
funnily (is this a quaint UK local word?)
gfx
gruffalo
gurned (okay, this is a quaint UK sport)
halfords
headsup (I know. Even close friends hate this noun.)
Hedz
Herne (as in Bay)
housebound
HQ
humax
jammie (as in dodger)
Jess
jubilee
knackered
mayday
Magnum (a key component of my regular food intake)
nads
Neasden
nobbing (I know that Android has purged all swearing... but nobbing?!)
numtums
PPS
qus
RDA
rejigging
rhapsody (see Bohemian)
RT
sesh (alright, I hate myself now)
swt
tea (yes, tea. This phone was not made for the UK)
texted (is that not a word that exists?)
tube (had to check this twice. There's tuber, but no tube in Android language)


ungry (think this was from writing my Pipkins tribute post...)
webseries
woah
ydy (so much friendlier than yesterday)
zonked


- Motorway Theatre -



When driving on the motorway, don't you ever wonder if the skid marks on the road
ended successfully?

Love mood of motorway after passing a crash.

People are slower, courteous.

Then new cars join aggressively, and we're all like “don't you know
what we've just been through”?


“Rubbernecking” is such an ugly term.

“Motorway Theatre” is more like it. (Or "Freeway Theater" if you're in the States).


- Watching The News songs-

When you're older, can you forgive your Dad for breaking into the tune
of KLF every time the news mentions the IMF?




Or Chaka Khan every time it mentions Dominique Strauss-Kahn





And the repeats, when they flip midstory.

Thanks


- Watches -



Look as many times as you want.

Mechanical dates on watches will never, ever, ever be correct.


- The stairs -



Life in 2012

What's to go upstairs:
reindeer,
why can't elephants jump book,
mitten,
deicer.


- Alcoholism -



Alcoholism is a cruel word.

It makes you sound drunk when you say it.


Dad Lessons For My Kids - Fella

Life in 2012:
I bought my new season ticket on the train last night - on the day before the next one is due. I like doing this after I found that South West Trains staff get a commission on each one they sell.

It's a company with a monopoly that's free to increase its fares above inflation - so I like to help out its staff who probably take the abuse of people who are trapped by the monopoly and can't take their business anywhere else.



This morning, there were a couple of revenue control guards working through the train instead of the regular guard.

I smiled, handed over my wallet. Even gave a "morning".
What do I want, a medal?

"It's the 19th today fella."

Now, I'm sleep deprived, I've already bought a ticket, and I've got someone giving me body language by standing over me and calling me "fella".

Again, what do I want? A medal?

But "fella"?

Maybe he's being friendly and defusing the potentially embarrassing situation (for me) with an overly familiar "fella".

In that moment, sleep-deprived and processing it, I repeated back the "Fella" as I pulled out the right ticket to show him.

His body language changed, and he offered to take the old one away for me. It was a weird offer that was unnecessarily contrite.

It meant the "fella" was meant as an aggressive poke.

I'm 40, I've got tits, two kids and a mortgage.

I don't need to be called "fella".


- Sorry I hit your car note -



Life in 2012:

Someone hit the car while parked. And left a note with contact number.

It all checked out, and their company paid via insurance.

This is rare. Like an eclipse.


- Let's look at the morning papers -

Life in 2012:
Newspaper reviews on TV news channels.
We have a thing at the moment, where people look at what's in the "newspapers", on "24-hour-rolling-news" channels.



The funny thing is, the events were all covered (better) on the "24-hour-rolling-news-channel" over a day ago.

They've got, probably, in any given hour, 4 to 6 live satellite news gathering trucks.
Actually at the location of "news" that's happening right now.
And then they straighten their backs, and smile, and say "time for us to take a look at the morning papers..."

I paid my licence fee. I paid my subscription.
Let's not look at the morning papers...
Let's look at... I don't know... the morning.
You've got the live feeds coming in to you right now.
Over there.
I can see them. They're just over your shoulder.



But you're pointing your live cameras, at the paper.
On an article you covered yourselves.
Yesterday.

Maybe they just want to take a break.

Maybe they are 23 hour 56 minute TV Rolling News channels.



-Songs I Haven't Yet Written -



#1
"If the Daily Mail were a person, even I might smack them round the face."

I've got "petulant post-event finger-pointers" and "hounding cancer-girl Jade", but having a bit of trouble rhyming "judgemental" with "not helpful".




Blogs I haven't yet started -

Here are a bunch of ideas for blogs that I haven't started.

#1 Rastamouse Subtitles of the Day



If you haven't seen the subtitling of Rastamouse, you're missing one of the most delightful things on TV.




#2 Clayder-man Or Lang-Lang-man

Here's a bit of piano playing.

Using your skill and judgement, can you tell if it's (Richard) Clayderman, or (Lang Lang) Lang-Lang-man.


#3 Stuff that is on my stairs




#4 People who have to sit behind David Cameron when he gives a speech

(Source)


How do you get a ticket for that gig?




Is it like the Olympics?

(Source)


I think that they are all just using him to recreate that Bullingdon Club photo.

(Source)



- On Jeremy Hunt on abortion -



Life in 2012:
Often find my attention span for views on abortion is influenced by whether or not they can pass a bowling ball between their legs.




- Cbeebies Ladies -

Got this lovely tweet this week.



It's lovely because it was so unexpected, and without agenda or criteria simply asks... top 3 Cbeebies ladies, name them.



On impulse and without pause for thought, out they flowed.

And without even giving it second thought, I'll bet that even the most jaded and sleep-deprived Dad in the UK would be able to name their top three too.

UPDATE-REPLIES
@Cameralabs
as a former physicist, I obviously have a soft spot for Nina Neuron. And obviously Kip and the captain of the Rhyme Rocket too

@CharlyHops
I used to have a massive crush on Justin when the girls were into cbeebies! And I had a top 3!!
1) Justin 2) Sid 3) The market man from me too! So over them now, they are like so 2010/11 :)




- Jewellery




All jewellery shops have scummy carpets.

It's deliberate, so when you look down, the rings look good.




- Helping my Dad into the Internet Age -

How the Internet or web breaks embargoes on court cases and injunctions in the UK

Life in 2012:
I love it when Dad phones to ask me what the Internet is saying about the thing that can't be reported in newspapers and on television.

We will never have this time again.


- Scenes from a Credit Crunch Wedding -

Life in 2012:








- No Mummy after 7pm -




Turns out best not to call Mummy, "Mummy", after 7pm.


- Toddlers dialling 999 -



Mummy heard her phone talking.

She picked it up.

"Which Emergency Service do you require?"

Our 18 month old toddler had pushed her chair up to the radiator cover, and dialed 999.

We said it was a mistake, but the operator said she'd already guessed that after having a nice chat with the toddler.

Turns out you can get away with it if you have a nice chat.


- How to keep the seat next to you free on the train -



Life in 2012:
Weirdest thing on the train.

If you make eye contact with people walking towards you down the aisle looking for a seat, they never sit next to you.

I've even made eye-contact with commuters who have got as far as turning to sit down and then for some reason think better of it and move somewhere else.

The only time this doesn't work is with people coming up the aisle from behind me, and men who are... how can I put this without sounding judgmental...

The kind of men who are comfortable enough to pull something like this out of their bag with their flask...



He then went on to eat a banana, in the tidiest way possible.


- Old People Sodcasting -



Life in 2012:
Old people hate youngsters playing tunes in public places on their phones.

It's called Sodcasting.

But youngsters are pretty tolerant of old people not knowing how to turn off their keypad tones when texting in public.



(NB Those clicks are coming from the phone. Not the old person's fingers.)


- Chatting up a deaf translator -




Chatting up a signer for the deaf while she is a work is the hardest thing a man can do.

Watching Cbeebies with my kids, and I recognised the deaf signer above as someone I (THINK) met at work in 2002 (while working at Rise. Sorry, RI:SE).

I am now happily married to your mum. But back then, I had a meeting with a deaf producer who was going to lip translate some footage for us.

But all I really wanted to was talk to her signer (or translator - not sure what the right word is. Maybe I should've been paying more attention).

Turns out, it's really bad form to talk to the translator, especially a professional one who is there merely to sign and speak for the person you're supposed to be talking with.

And it was a shame, because she really had a great sense of humour:

At the end of the meeting, I was making some lame small talk - just trying to drag out our time together in the hope that I could finally talk to that translator.

I asked the Deaf Producer if she was heading back into the office and she said that she was going home instead.
"Is it far?"
"No, just Harrow-On-The-Hill. Or, just outside it."

Feebily I mumbled
"What, like Harrow-Off-The-Hill."

And, god bless her, the translator sold this off the cuff comment by hand acting out "Harrow-OFF-The-Hill".

The translator sold my limp bit of miscommunication and made the Deaf Producer laugh.

I never saw her again, until this week when I saw her on Cbeebies.

(Looking at this, "signer for the deaf" looks like "singer for the deaf" which just looks weird...
...And do the adult channels have to have signers too?)


- Elderly People Crossing Signs -

She's groping his bum.

It says Elderly People crossing, but she is groping his bum.

source:

I love how all Elderly Crossing signs around the world show an apparently heterosexual couple crossing the road.

And I love how he is the one leading.

It’s courteous.

Even though he clearly has difficulty walking.

What kind of cow is that "woman" behind him?

Maybe the figure behind is a transvestite.

Forgive me, I'm making all kinds of assumptions...

For all I know that figure in front could be a woman too.


Think this one is from South Korea.

source:

Here's one from Canada.

source:

This is the Japanese one.

source:

And here it is in Welsh.

source:

The Man (or the male-dressed/moustacheoed one) always looks like he's leading.

Maybe that generation of road sign stick person doesn't feel comfortable being out as a same sex couple.

Here are some of your replies...

@beaappleby I always find it a bit sad. Nowadays couldn't they be enjoying their retirement? Could he hold a silhouette of a golf club?

@beaappleby For her: maybe a carrier bag? She's taking something back to Next, he's dropping her off on the way to golf. Happy days.

Maybe she’s exchanging that black housecoat for another black housecoat.

@beaappleby I would also prefer to see them more erect. Maybe she does pilates now and her posture is improved. Why stoop?

@antbryan Like the way chap with stick, and unsteady pins, pushed to front. 'Sweet lord them cars are fast. After you dear'.

@NikkiJShepherd either that or she's going for his pension





- Baby Haircut.



[HAMMERS PIANO]

Had to do it, had to do it,

He's my one and only son & heir.

Had to do it, had to do it,

Now we given him Victoria Wood hair.



And for the girl...

We've managed to bring hers round to the glory days of John Gorman circa the height of his days with The Scaffold.




- One Way Escalators -



Department stores, book and clothes shops are cruel.

They have a nice escalator up to the first floor...

...and a staircase to get back down again.

"But I bought something!"

"Tough.
You gotta walk.
Chump."


- I Am Nineties Man



I am Nineties Man.

The benchmark set for us by the sunset legacy media industries was Jesse Birdsall.



No furniture.

No portion control.

I wanted to be like him.



(after wanting to be like Eighties Man, the easy-like-Sunday-morning-Halifax man).





- Subtle hints from the supermarkets -

It's almost like my Clubcard is trying to tell me something.



Like that I am maybe a fat sod.

UPDATE:
@ThatMrStirling
Tesco can be very chilling as well: pic.twitter.com/y3wQXwrO

Tesco Youre Next sign, you're next, chilling sign, store supermarket line queue, directional signage

And this from comedian Paul Foot's facebook page
"A tragic receipt."



Got any more? Leave a comment below (by clicking here) or tweet me @neilmossey

UPDATE:
@Tyburn_Cross
Did once see in pound shop a sign saying "Looking to quit?" right next to bottles of lube. Wish I'd taken a pic now.

VIA @Herccrew3
Please note, Cat milk does not come from cats.



See also: Optimistic Shelf Edge Labelling)-





- Ciabatta is the emptiest of all the breads -

Ciabatta is the emptiest of all the breads

You cut into it, and it is just bubbles.



There is more bubble than bread.

How much did I pay for this?

Two quid.

Get outta here.


The baker invented a way to sell air, in bread form.

This is not a loaf.

It is an oxygen container.



Divers should take down a couple of ciabatta sandwiches with them.

They would be able to breathe for a long time.

But would they would die through hunger.



- When shops leave the security tag on -



Life in 2012:
You will buy clothes, and get them home, and then find they haven't taken the security tag off them.

You'll end up overcompensating while returning security tagged clothes.

Like “being obvious” and “holding aloft” are both proof of purchase.



And wanting to be snotty that you've got to come back and do this, but not being able to be properly snotty, because until they've taken it off, the thing somehow isn't really yours.

And unless shop security tags become an intentional fashion statement in the future (like leaving the labels on baseball caps), you'll have to do that walk of shame-but-I've-got-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of-I've-bought-this-I-know-it's-still-tagged-but-I-paid-money-for-it-honest-I've-got-the-receipt-in-here-somewhere.

Sainsburys security tag detector

If it does turn out you've grown up to be shoplifters:

Give your kids things to hold, then put them on your shoulders so they hold it above the tag detectors as you walk out.



- Fish Pedicure -

dad blog

Turns out those places where the fish nibble at your feet are USELESS on beer guts.




- Equal amounts of dinner for your other half -



Always have a dilemma while cooking in a relationship: on where do we stand on giving equal food amounts for girlfriends?

Huge equal bowls.

Or more appropriate (but unfair) quantities?

(Just noticed the Tombliboo in the picutre.
It is a Tombliboo. Not my Other Half.)



When I put this on twitter, here are some of the replies:

If it's early on less but long-term it needs to be so equal that you may need to weigh the portions! :)
(link)

If it's a tasty dish, I pad Mrs Ant's plate out with a 'nice side salad'.
(link)

I have an "I cooked it, so I get the biggest prawns" rule. A) if there are prawns and B) if I've cooked it.
(link)

dont get me started. Such is the effort in our house to have equal (huge) portions,I've put on a stone since moving in together
(link)

Huge equal bowls! Standard.
(link)

I'm the cook, so I'm in charge :)
(link)

the article by @YoniFreedhoff on appropriate portion sizes:
(LOVE idea of correlating my cooking by height! A combined tape scale contraption +a carol vorderman equation to work out share)
(link)

I usually put this out to consultation at point of prep and then again at the point of serving. I did consider postal ballot...
(link)

why not just ask how much the other person wants? Or let them serve themselves.
(link)

Regarding the food thing, serve everything in bowls at the table and everybody can help themselves. Simples.
(link)


- Women saying goodbye to each other -



When women say goodbye to each other,
it's usually the start of about 10-25 minutes of the exact opposite.

Bye
See you
Thanks for a lovely time
We must do this again some time
Yes, let's.
You must come round to ours
We mustn't make it so long next time
I'll call you later
That'd be lovely
Bye
See you
Ooh you've forgotten your card
I'll get it next time
Let's make that soon
That's nice, take care
Drive safely
We will, you get in now, you'll get cold
Bye
Take care
See you

etc.

Men are so rude.

UPDATE/COMMENTS
@curtainqueen Like a courtship ritual, without the end result. Men just rattle their keys & leave. This is why us wimmins need our friends :-)


- Why Mummy banned Fireman Sam -



Mummy banned Fireman Sam, because one too many times our son called mummy "MAM".

We are not Welsh.

Or, as she put it: "I'm not Norman Price's Mum"

(Source)

Being a cartoon script editor working on American co-productions, a lot of time's spent trying to tone down Americanisms in the dialogue (sorry, dialog).

Trying to purge words like Math, 911, Fall season, smores, Mac n Cheese, or my personal worst: candy.

But when parents (like myself) moan about US dominance in English language shows, we forget about the other regional phrases and idioms:

Look at this one, the way every episode of ME TOO! is introduced:



Come away in with you.

What does that even mean?

Who cares? Kids get what she's saying.

So maybe complaints about Americanisms risk being about all kids shows sounding correct in Southern England.

That'd be a foine day in Canada, Ireland, New Zealand, Australia etc. etc. etc.


- Argos Insurance Optimism -



Life in 2012 - Business optimism:

Trying to buy a 20 quid popcorn maker in Argos,

and being asked if I'd like to take out an insurance plan.


- The Gayest Place in the Universe -



If pushed to name the Gayest Place in the Universe,

I would say it is ‘Zara Man’ at Barcelona Airport.

I bought a nice coat there.

It was a leather jacket with a jersey-fabric hood built in.


- The Classified Ad Break -

Life in 2012:
We have a thing called Local Papers, which have a section called The Classified Ads.

Here's a Classified Ad Break...



(...from a show I made with John Gordillo called The Recommended Daily Allowance - full series here.).

Here are some of the ads, with more added.



PORTALOO plus melamine crockery, very cheap.



Furniture for sale. £95 Per item.



IN BOX. good condition. £10.



Grave for sale. Offers.



Drop side cot with mattress. Easy erection and storage for grandparents visitors.



I'M SELLING a Sanyo TV. Or 3.



Language course.



Writing Desk.
For
w r i t i n g.
(VIA @Caroline_Gold THANKS!)



Large stocks of Sellotape. it has hundreds of uses.



Lady required to groom and look after horses. In return for riding.



Very comfy sofa for £30. No... wait, £40, YES £40.



PAPER CLIPS. (got anything like this in your local rag?)



Ahhhh. Never been worn wedding dress.


- The couple of sinks couple -



Life in 2012:
Property porn programmes like Grand Designs usually show "His and Hers" bathroom sinks like it's some kind of luxury.

But actually it's twice the cleaning, and twice the mess.

UPDATE/COMMENTS
@canuckuk
What happened to separate bathrooms? Men are seriously elbowing things and I'd rather not wash beside one.


- Terrible poster ads for books -



Life in 2012:
I have no idea why poster ads for books are so... universally consistently bad.

Especially as, you know, it's in that whole printed medium that they're supposed to be good at.

I have never looked at a book on the basis of a poster ad.

Maybe I'm a tough crowd.

In the corner it says "BUY IT NOW"

Chances are, probably not.


- Santander Hat -




Life in 2012:
However tough things get at work,

getting paid doesn't yet depend on me wearing a hat

with Santander written on it.




- Top 10 Upsides Of Recovering From A Boris Bike Crash -



10
Face looks like a themed Google logo. Changes by the day.

9
Being known to a handful of healthcare professionals affectionately as ‘that bloke who had the Boris Bike crash’.

8
Talking like Louis Spence.



7
Chunks falling off face like an maxillofacial advent calendar. Festive.

6
Patronising kids in the supermarket who stare to ‘always wear a bike helmet’, like some kind of deranged 1950s superhero.

5
Looking like a vagrant whose stuff never gets touched. Also festive.



4
Hours spent concussed equals hours not spent hearing about Eurozone crisis.

3
Drinking through a straw makes 2 year old son feel superior.

2
Finally being able to look my hero Erik Estrada in the eye.
We both know what this is like.


1
Looking like a Hitler cat.
Or the bloke from Sparks.
Or Blakey from On The Buses.




- The influence of Carry On -



My Other Half said that Emperor Nero was gay.

It was then that we realised we'd learnt all our history from the Carry On movies.

By the way, this is how inside my head ACTUALLY sounds


- Andrew Marr Show Drinking Game -



#marrdrinkinggame #marr
So scoring below for the Andrew Marr Show Drinking game:

(NB Rules also valid on ITV News, most of Sky News, and BBC News Channel output).

"Let me be clear..." = 2 points

"Difficult/Tough choices" = 1 point

"It is the right thing to do..." = 1 point

Politician hand-jiving or air karate = 1 point per 10 'chops'

"We take this very seriously" = 1 point

"What's really important is. . ." = 1 point

"...back to the table" = 1 point

"What the [insert nationality] people want" = 1 point

"Let me just make my point..." = 1 point

"tough economic environment/climate/year ahead" = 1 point

BONUS
Anything prefixed by "Look. . . " = 1 bonus point

BIG THANKS TO
@noseybassa @Patrixmyth @MummyInTheCity, @Sklblue

(CLICK HERE FOR COMMENTS & ANY MORE SCORECARD SUGGESTIONS?)


- Reflexology Rudeness -



Missus is trying to find my bits via reflexology.

It's a bit like fiddling with the remote control.


- Dealing with expired credit cards -



Life in 2012:
Modern Superstition -

Cutting up your expired credit card

and then slowly distributing the pieces out into different dustbins

(Because in your head, it's not enough that it's expired, or in bits.
Someone can still assemble it.
Best put it in more than one bin.)


- The worst infographic of 2012 -

Last minute contender for The Worst Infographic of 2012,
courtesy of linkedin and Shell.




Keep up with interesting, relevant updates about Shell.

Look at all those green arrows of something I'm missing out on.




- 100 things I love - PART 1 -

Here is my Complete List of 100 Things I Love... PART 1



1
Life in 2012:
Love the adrenalin from getting one shot at signing your credit card with a ballpoint pen.

2
Love that to make cleaning more effective, just call it cleansing.

3
Love builders talking like they're with coworkers.
To Gluegun: “He wants a good push"
“That nail, he needs sawing off”
Like it’s personal

4
Love calling someone on an old mobile phone number, and it still working.

5
Love that breasts are measured in inches. Not metres or other. "36D" is alright, but 'three foot'-D sounds, you know-proper.

6
Love the Johnny Cash lyric: "My name is Sue. HOW DO YOU DO."

7
Love how BBC Alba adapted Shaun the Sheep by just doing Vic Reeves in Gaelic at the beginning (try this link - it might work)



8
Love how mechanics always leave your driver's seat back like they are 9 feet tall.

9
Love that I hit a Twitter follower limit,
so had to unfollow @wossy and @rustyrockets.
I feel like the BBC Trust.

10
Love marker-pen drumming with my son to a Bangles Medley.
(Spend many other weekends marker-pen drumming with my toddler to THIS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofByti7A4uM )




(Source)

11
Love that the robotic arm on the Space shuttle is called the Canadarm, because that's where it comes from.




12
Words I like:
Upset - when it's used to mean 'spill'
Writ - always funny when it's used wrongly. Eg "It's what I writ."

----



- 100 things I hate-

Started a list of 100 things I love.

Here is the start of 100 things I hate.

1
Hate that I confuse Bruce Willis/Billy Joel, Gary Rhodes/Nigel Kennedy, Peter Kay/Chris Moyles, fajitas/burritos, Dean/Wardour St

2
Hate all buildings from the 1970s. There is not one that I like.
RT @rodhuntress Is there no warmth in your heart for this alienating dystopian masterpiece?


3
I once had to break up with someone, Neil, because they kept saying my name every 8 words. Neil, it was like a verbal chokechain.

4
Hate that people say they’ve been badly stung, when the wasp has actually done it quite well.

5
Hate when people see that I want to pass on the escalator & make me look rude by yanking their obstructing friend out of the way

6
Hate cleaning round the back of a Breville sandwich maker.



7
Hate still getting post for my Ex.

8
Hate Sunday trading laws.

"Keep Sunday Special".

Having to get shopping done by 4pm or be gouged feels really Special.

9
Hate when people say “take care”.
Like it puts the onus of responsibility onto me for my well-being.

9A
And I hate the word onus.

10
Hate self-fulfilling prophesy:
Like
“Don’t let me forget. I’ve put the beers in the freezer.”






~~~Other ones I've written, but not as lessons~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- Watching pre-school TV with you. -

dad blogsDad blog

Have to admit.

The only way I can get through "Zingzillas" and "The Tweenies",

is by daydreaming the mechanics of breeding a Zingzilla with a Tweenie.


- "Girl Bits" -

The hardest part of having a daughter baby, is coming up with the family word for 'girl bits'.

We've got willy and peanuts for the boy, but the girl?

(So I put it out on twitter to see what words everyone else used when they were growing up, and this is what came back.)


Me VS. Lang Lang's Dad



At the age of 3, Lang Lang's Dad vowed to make him the number 1 concert pianist in all of China.

I have taught my boy to sing the entire jingle package of Radio 2



- Stable Parental Relationship -

Dad blog

Your Mum and I are in a stable long-term relationship.

We’ve gone through three loo seats.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



DAD QUESTIONS

Why dont we have Metric Boobs in the UK?


(Answer here)


They always have "His & Hers" double bathroom sinks on Grand Designs, like it's some kind of luxury.

Isn't it, like, twice the cleaning?


Is this perhaps the worst piece of Queen’s Jubilee merchandise?


(Answer here)



Why are metal handled pots made of metal?


(Answer here)



What else can Camden Council clamp?


(Answer here)



What's the etiquette in paying for takeaways for hosts?



When you visit "for dinner" but then there's a clear expectation to split the bill?
(original post)


Why do I have... overriding urge... to write down... everything they say....



(toddler quotes here)









DAD IDEAS TO CHANGE THE WORLD

Men. Admit it. Using Sat Nav is essentially asking for directions.



Why not combine it with the stereo, to create The Singing Sat Nav?
(original post, and singing directions here)


Milton sterilizing fluid.



It cleans anything.
Seriously, why aren’t we putting this stuff on everything?
(original post)



NIKEA: Trainers you put together yourself.


(original post)



I want to use a land train as the family car.



(original post)



My Derren Brown stunt on the train.



If you make eye contact with people walking towards you down the aisle looking for a seat, they never sit next to you.
(original post here)


Time for a Classified Ad Break...



(Original post and more weird classified ads here - Got any more?!)


- Street SAD lamps -


DAD IDEAS- Street SAD Lamps -

Why don’t we put those Seasonal Affective Disorder bulbs into street lampposts?

- cheer everyone up - reduce crime.


- Free NHS Headgear -



As you can see, I cannot take 100% credit for this particular idea to save or make money.

Don't forget... I am a tightwad.



HATES

I’ll hunt across three shelves in the supermarket to save 30p...

EQUALS= council tax increases

...but when the Council Tax comes round... Here - have my bank account details.
(original post)


Why can't I use more words for "Great"?

dad blogs

(Pulled together my list of alternatives here.)





LOVES

I love that we've got the biggest electrical plugs in the world.



It's like we've got the fattest power.
When it comes to 3-pin sockets, we are the most cumbersome.
(original post here)

Does everyone have a famous lookalike?

dad blog

This is mine... Fulham footballer Andy Johnson.
(original post here)



FRIDAY NIGHT TODDLER ART GALLERY

Basically, our kids destroying the house, one installation at a time, while we're not looking.

Which is your favourite?

Toddler Art #1 - Sprinkles

It started with: “Can you put that down. Please. No. You can't have any hundreds and.”




#2 - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofa's End









#3 - Fence Behind Your Head





#4 - Artist with Permanent Red on Whiteboard





#5 - Freedom Corner







#6 - Pencil Food





#7 - Pencil Food Oh





#8 - Two Lines from my Doctor's Desk





#9 - Lines Behind the Dining





#10 - Hand Traffic Brown





#11 - Red Green Blue Hallway You



Artist with Red Green Blue Hallway You





#12 - Sofa Light Comms





#13 - Behind The Door...





#14 - Marks Behind Bars





#15 - Flat Wall or 3-D?





#16 - Green Around The Whiteboard





#17 - Brooklyn Bridge In Red
- New York In Red








#18 - Lines Ajar





#19 - Biro On Sofa





#20 - Sunset Media Horizon



But there's more...

Above, to introduce a third dimension, The Artist has placed a parting shot.





#21 - Crayon Mirror



In the absence of conventional artistic materials, The Artist not only comments on this through the use of a candle... but also eschews his favourite canvas of the wall, to introduce the dining room mirror as a backdrop.

Literally reflecting his work on whomever wants to view.
(It was also nearly impossible to capture this work on camera).



#22 - Hand Food Wall



This work creates and capitalises on negative space.



#23 - Pencil No Food



Almost as an answer to "Pencil Food", after the inevitable repainting The Artist embarked on "Pencil No Food".

Perhaps conveying a frustration or a dissatisfaction with the destruction of the earlier piece.







#24 - Hand Wall Food



Developing the themes of "Hand Food Wall", came this.



#25 - Artist with biro swirl






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