Tuesday, 28 March 2017

My daughter called Mummy a Bum Monkey. Legally we can now use this and 127-133 other Dad Dirt



Here are my thoughts, ideas, and Dad Dirt for this week.

Monday 27th March
My daughter called Mummy a Bum Monkey.
Legally, this can now go down on every form as “Occupation”.

Tuesday 28th March
Words that only politicians use: cowed.
They seem pretty obsessed by it.
So much, that it makes me feel kind of cowed.

Wednesday 29th March
Idea: Making myself sound more grand to call centres by adding the word “Mister” before my name.

Thursday 30th March
I bought a book in a shop like I am online.
I made the staff fetch it to me on zero hours contract and didn't let them go to the toilet.

Friday 31st March
I once had to break up with someone, Neil, because they kept saying my name every 8 words. Neil, it was like a verbal chokechain.

Saturday 1st April
People say they’ve been badly stung, when the wasp actually did it quite well.

Sunday 2nd April
Here's how to forget these words.
“Don’t let me forget. I’ve put the beers in the freezer.”


Previous post...
Stealing just one more princess story from my daughter. In case it makes money. #DadDirt


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Friday, 24 March 2017

Stealing just one more princess story from my daughter. In case it makes money. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you steal princess stories from your daughter. In case this is the big one.


Onec upon a time there was a little girl coled isebella. She was five years old. She had a mother and further. She was playing in the Garden. She feeds birds and uthore animols to feed.

She had a Pond in the Garden. there was a speshoulle Frog in the Pond. She was playing with her ball.

the ball went in the pond the Frog was getting the Ball for her.

he did a plan to Be best friends forevery but the princess kepped her promise every day.

so they did Be best Friends forevery. the next Morning isbella Went out in the Garden.

She sore the Frog that was her best friend.

the Frog had Arothery plan. it was promise to kiss the frog but the princess did it instead and then the Frog changed to a prince then the prince fell in Love with the girl. and the princess fell in Love with the man.
and they all lived Happilly Every aFter.

The End

© Great Story Team Ltd. 2017

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A bird vandalising a car in London. But its not enough to get me on You've Been Framed. #BritishDadStuff


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Wednesday, 22 March 2017

A bird vandalising a car in London. But its not enough to get me on You've Been Framed. #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when your family's finances rely on you getting a clip onto You've Been Framed.


This is my second attempt to get a clip onto You've Been Framed.

A nature film, shot in London last year (ironically, right round the corner from the ITV studios... hope that doesn't get it rejected).

A crow vandalising a car in Southwark



Spoiler alert: The crow is vandalising the car.

It did not care about me getting close with my neon pink mobile to shoot its behaviour, but it got a bit nervous when a Japanese couple saw what I was doing and huddled in closer to shoot their own video (which is probably playing right now on NHK's Japan's Funniest Videos for 5000 Yen).

So the bird hops onto the roof, and shows it's nerves before flapping off.

This has gotta get me a shot at the 250 quid, no?








Previous post...
My DIY will kill my kids. But maybe its not so bad. #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 21 March 2017

My DIY will kill my kids. But maybe its not so bad. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you wonder if your DIY will kill your entire family.


I finally put up the big mirror in the living room.

Every time I do something like this, I worry.

“Will it fall off the wall and kill the kids?”

Happily, they are older now, so it will probably only maim them.

And I've got a 50/50 chance it will injure either or both.

If the worst happens now I’ve written this, here, it will probably get dredged up by an Insurance Company or National Newspaper.

And next to me in the sidebar of shame will probably be pop-up ads for DIY superstore chains. So some good will come from the tragedy.

In fact, it will be selfish of me not to put things up on the walls.

All those jobs, industry and economic growth are now also hanging on those bolts.

Those bolts screwed in so tight, you’d have to knock down the house to get to them.

Maybe that’s the National Disaster that will happen. Some light aircraft hitting our family home, with a Black Box recorder showing very clearly... those bolts stayed true.

And why do we even need a mirror?
My very children being put in harm’s way, for what?
Vanity?

But judging by the state of my kids, and how they look right now...

They aren’t ever going to be hit by a falling mirror.


Previous post...
Nine reasons why I shouldn’t buy a Lacie. A POEM. #DadDirt


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Monday, 20 March 2017

Nine reasons why I shouldn’t buy a Lacie. A POEM. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you over think every purchase but still end up in the same place.


Why I shouldn't by a Lacie.
A poem in 9 stanzas.

I do not have the money.
I like writing these lists.
I have three - three backup drives. And a keyring drive.
(but it’s pretty, and its the one I want to carry around with me everywhere, and it’s shock proof and water resistant. And the other ones can become backup to the backups).
This list isn’t going very well.
I really like writing them out.
It’s 120 pounds I can spend on something else.
It’s more "stuff".
I do not need more stuff.
I will go and get the Lacie.

Previous post...
All Dads recreate that Athena poster, but cant hold the phone and the baby. Plus #DadDirt 120-136


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Sunday, 19 March 2017

All Dads recreate that Athena poster, but cant hold the phone and the baby. Plus #DadDirt 120-126



Every week I try and dig up some Dad Dirt.

Here's this week's thoughts, ideas and dreams.



Monday 20 March
All sleep-deprived 1990’s-man Dads think about recreating the Athena “Man Holding Baby” poster.
But can’t yet work out how to hold the phone and the baby.

Tuesday 21 March
Lang Lang's Dad vowed to make him the number 1 concert pianist in all of China.
I taught my boy how to sing the entire jingle package of Radio 2.

Wednesday 22 March
I admit it.
I order condoms online from the supermarket, just to see the delivery driver go through the substitutions.

Thursday 23 March
Modern superstition:
If you cut up your credit card, and slowly spread it around different bins, somehow you won't get robbed.

Friday 24 March
Idea: Trying to get people to say "Da Betties" as slang for Pounds (after our Queen).
It's harder than I thought.

Saturday 25 March
We’re not strapped for cash.
But our family budget now relies on me getting 12 clips onto You've Been Framed.

Sunday 26 March
My Wife likes either anticipating things or being surprised.
I always call it wrong.



Previous post...
A letter with my daughter's broken shoe to the supermarket #DadDirt


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Saturday, 18 March 2017

A letter with my daughter's broken shoe to the supermarket #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you take the time to treat the companies you buy from like trusted colleagues of your own organisation.


I was wound up.
I was going to throw it in the bin.

No.
I am going to take the time to send it to the person who spends all day working on this.
From me.
The person who works all day to pay for this.


Dear Head of Children’s Clothing (shoes)

Hello. Please forgive us for sending you this shoe directly.

It is because you are a very valued supplier of clothing to us, but my Chief Financial Officer (my Wife) wants to rethink your place in our supply chain. After a tense Board Meeting this morning, I think this is a shame for your organisation and ours, because we love your other work for us.

Your school clothing is the best - it’s hard wearing and it doesn’t look cheap, despite the efforts of our workforce (our 8 and 6 year olds).

We really appreciate it, so much so, that you don’t even have a store in our town and yet we ship it from your branches that are 15 miles away.

So that’s why we’re sending you this.

In our heads, the shoes were bought in the Christmas hols, and they have barely lasted 8 weeks. Our daughter is energetic - a kind way of saying she is a complete handful. But we didn’t think her shoes would give up in under a term (and she didn’t even wear them during Half Term).

Maybe she is just too much for them.

Maybe more suitable workwear would be Army boots.

Either way, we wanted you to see what happens at the other end of your delivery chain: The velcro stopped sticking after about a month. Then the clasp broke off so the strap couldn’t be held at all, making them useless (the other shoe is just as clapped out - I’m being cheap trying to save postage).

Let’s face it. We feel cheap for buying our daughter’s shoes in a supermarket.

So the problem is with us.

(Ironically, at 7 weeks use even at the competitive price we invested, per day, my CFO estimates that these are the most expensive shoes she’s ever worn. (And destroyed.))

How can I argue with that logic? Moving forward, how can I persuade her that your company is still the best supplier for our clothing?

As we reflect on this, we hope this shoe helps your team to also make good choices in the future, and thanks again for the great clothing.

Yours
Neil Mossey
CEO, The Mossey Family

Previous post...
How one of my Footy Pups episodes exactly followed Joseph Campbell’s Monomyth by accident


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Friday, 17 March 2017

How one of my Footy Pups episodes exactly followed Joseph Campbell’s Monomyth by accident



The idea of the “monomyth” or "The Hero’s Journey", was introduced in the 1949 book The Hero With A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell.

I was writing on Footy Pups when I got stuck on an episode with my then-writing partner.

It was painful because they’re only short stories, but the hero still has to go through a properly hard journey for the story to feel good enough to keep watching - and I reckon it's harder to keep kids’ attentions than adults.

Also, you can’t rely on some of the lazy shorthand that adult stories sometimes use to keep their attention.

It was even more painful because the previous story had gone through so easily.

I don’t know why, but I think I was reading a book that broke down Joseph Campbell’s Monomyth (or... “The Hero’s Journey”).

Then I realised that previous episode had matched his concept of storytelling beat for beat.

And it made me smile, so here now is how Geraldine playing basketball in a 6 minute cartoon about a football team of puppies follows in the same narrative footsteps as Buddha, Moses and Christ.

The Call To Adventure
Pickles tells the pups they’re playing basketball today

Refusal Of The Call
Tiny Geraldine thinks she’s too small to play basketball.

Supernatural Aid
Crossing The Threshold

(“the hero ventures into an unknown and dangerous real where the rules and limits are unknown.”)
Belly Of The Whale
(“the hero shows willingness to undergo a metamorphosis.”)
Geraldine wears stilts to make herself taller to play basketball.

The Road Of Trials
Geraldine plays basketball on stilts with her teammates, and nearly hurts them.

The Meeting With The Goddess
Geraldine trips up on coach Freddie’s washing line, and is catapulted into a tree.
(the tree represents Nature which can also represent The Goddess).

Woman As Temptress
(“Woman is a metaphor for physical or material temptations of life”)
Atonement With The Father
Geraldine offers to rescue coach Freddie’s washing from the tree branches.

Apotheosis
(“The point of realisation in which a greater understanding is achieved.”)
Geraldine can’t reach some of the washing. She realises she can jump from branch to branch to rescue the washing.

The Ultimate Boon
(“The achievement of the goal of the quest.”)
Geraldine realises she doesn’t need to be tall to play basketball - she can jump.

Refusal Of The Return
Geraldine wants to rescue all the washing before getting back to playing basketball.

The Magic Flight
She comes down from the tree.

Rescue From Without
(“Bring hero back to everyday life”)
Geraldine returns to playing basketball with her teammates.

The Crossing Of The Return Threshold
(“retain the wisdom gained in the quest”)
Geraldine goes to shoot a hoop and jumps...

Master Of Two Worlds
She can play basketball with just a jump.

Freedom To Live
(“Freedom from the fear of death.”)
Geraldine scores more baskets.


The episodes are on Iplayer here.


Hero With A Thousand Faces, is here




Previous post...
How my daughter sees me as a man. In biro. And it's uncanny in every fault. #DadDirt


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Thursday, 16 March 2017

How my daughter sees me as a man. In biro. And it's uncanny in every fault. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...your daughter can not only see but also draw your every fault.


Obviously, I want to set the best physical example to my daughter.

In the years to come, I guess this - what I’ve got - is what she will compare against every man she meets.

So what does she see right now?

How do I come off as her benchmark of happy benevolent manhood?

Well, in Biro, it’s like this:


I look like one of Right Said Fred.
The camper one.
Complete in Gay Anthem pose.
(I blame the musicals we watch together).

It looks like she’s even given me an earring.

Then it hit me, this is how she sees me the most:

I am in my stripey boxer shorts
(with the genetically long slender legs, you’re welcome)

But it’s the detail of the hairy chest set betwixt the generous Man Boobs that get me.

A lot of attention has gone into that.
I won’t embarrass the others, but I came off best in our family portraits.
My thighs don’t meet at the top like Mummy’s.


Previous post... ARE THOSE WIND CHIMES OURS? Why does it even matter? #DadDirt

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