Friday, 20 January 2017

Why every AC Cable Detector I ever bought is wrong. It's me. All along. #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can’t even operate basic machinery properly.


LIVING ROOM ALCOVE:
GREAT BRITISH DAD PUSHES A RED AC CABLE DETECTOR TO THE WALL.
LONG SUFFERING WIFE HOVERS WITH HER TEA.
[BEEP!]

LONG SUFFERING WIFE:
Yeah, you want to be careful.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
But when I hold it there again - nothing.
[NO BEEP]

LSW:
Maybe it’s the batteries?

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
Changed them.
When I was out I... (SHEEPISH) got another one.

HE PULLS OUT A YELLOW AC CABLE DETECTOR AND PRESSES IT IN RANDOM PLACES ON THE WALLS.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
It hasn’t got the bars, but it still works on the cables I know about.
But when you put it on the hole I just drilled...
[NO BEEP]
It says it’s clear.

HE MOVES IT AROUND.
[BEEP!]

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
But it’s just as confusing.
[BEEP!]

LSW:
So, I don’t understand - it’s meant to beep when it detects a mains power cable?

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
Yeah. And it does that on the cables I know about

HE DEMONSTRATES ABOVE THE LIGHT SWITCH.
[BEEP!]

LSW:
But it’s also detecting things in the middle of the wall?

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
Yes. But why would there be a cable there?
[BEEP!]

LSW:
It’s an old house.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
But then it doesn’t detect something there?
[NO BEEP]
I’m just worried that it beeps on the hole I’ve already drilled.
[BEEP!]
Sometimes.
I’m worried the... it’s like the whole wall is live?

HE PUTS THE DETECTOR IN RANDOM PLACES ON THE ALCOVE WALLS AROUND HIM. [BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!]

LSW:
Oh God.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
I wonder if I’m discharging the walls when I’m touching them.

LSW:
Please stop.
If it’s not safe.

HE PUTS THE DETECTOR ON THE SMALL HOLE HE’S ALREADY DRILLED.
[BEEP!]
TAKES IF OFF AND PUTS IT ON AGAIN.
[NO BEEP]

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
No beep.
I’m going in.
Just on this one I’ve done already.
Looks like there’s fewer beeps there anyway.

HE PICKS UP HIS DRILL.
[BEEEEEEP!]
HE PUTS DOWN THE DRILL.
[NO BEEP]
PICKS IT UP AGAIN.
[BEEEEEEP!]
PUTS IT DOWN AGAIN.
[NO BEEP]

HIS VIEWPOINT:
HE’S STANDING NEAR THE EXTENSION LEAD THE DRILL’S PLUGGED INTO.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
Awwww-- [BEEP!]

HE STEPS ON THE LEAD AGAIN.
[BEEP!]
AND AGAIN
[BEEP!]

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(TO LSW) Seen this?

TREADING ON AND OFF THE LEAD.
[BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!]

LSW:
Silly sod.

[BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!]


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Getting data mined or some welly socks for my wife. #BritishDadStuff


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Monday, 16 January 2017

Getting data mined or some welly socks for my wife. #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can’t even get socks for your Wife without getting data mined.



GREAT BRITISH DAD is holding a box of socks by the TILL of a WOMEN'S CLOTHING CHAIN STORE, on a Christmas Saturday.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
I might’ve made this up in my head - but have you got them fur-lined? I think they’re welly socks?

The young MANAGER is in the chain’s branded clothing, with her “flair” covering all fingers in intricate silver gothic rings.

MANAGER:
Yes. Sorry. I know the ones. We don’t stock them.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(turns to leave)
No problem, thanks anyway--

MANAGER:
But we can order them in for you?

A whole new conversation begins.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
Ugh. Ordering them.
It means I don’t have to look any more.
I might get them somewhere else.
Or better ones?
Someone just offered to get them for me.
When will they get here though?
Find them somewhere else today and I'll have them right in my hands.
But if they order them, I'll guarantee they’ll be in my hands.

What if you see something better?
I think these socks will make my Wife happy.
I already know how bad that sounds.
That's how we live our lives.
I lose.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(out loud - to Manager)
That's great thanks.

MANAGER:
(welly socks on ipad)
Wonderful. They look lovely. Is it small medium or large?

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
Medium... I think.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
She’s just shopping on their website!
I could’ve done THAT.

MANAGER:
Would you like them sent to your home or collect from here.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside and out loud)
Collect from here.
Collect from here please.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
Do not give them your home address.

MANAGER:
Can I just take your email address?

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
And there it is.
The deep one-way relationship I didn’t ask for and that we do not need.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(out loud)
Sure. It’s [DIRTY EMAIL ADDRESS]
(inside)
I’ve got the dirty email address.
Exactly for times like this.
I want the socks, and I'll eat the headspace tax.

The MANAGER types the email on her ipad.

MANAGER:
And can I take a phone number?

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
Um. Do I have to?

MANAGER:
(reassuring)
Just so we can let you know when it's in.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
And there’s the corporate manual quote.
(out loud)
I’m sorry, I know it sounds weird, but I feel a bit uncomfortable about having to--

MANAGER:
(over bright)
Okay, okay, I’ll just leave the box empty.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(weak)
I’m sure I’ll find out from the email - you know.

MANAGER:
(mashing ipad)
I’m really sorry, it’s not letting the transaction go through without a number.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
Tell her. YOU’RE FED UP OF GETTING DATA MINED WHEN ALL YOU WANT IS A PAIR OF SOCKS.
TELL HER.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(out loud)
I’m so sorry...

A STORE ASSISTANT leans in.

STORE ASSISTANT:
(chirpy - to Manager)
Just put in our number.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
You are an ANGEL.

She types in the store’s phone number.

GREAT BRITISH DAD: (CONT’D)
(inside)
A fellow world-weary traveller trying to out-stagger The Man.

No, better than that.
You’re a Fifth Columnist.
A Renegade Resistance Operative helping hide me in the cellar while I try to get back home.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(like someone from Schindler’s List)
Thank you.
I’m just, you know, really fed up for giving my details to everyone. I’m trying to keep my phone clean - so I can get--

They nod in sympathy. I trail off.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(inside)
They didn’t even let me finish that thought.
They know.
Outside this shop... they’re drilled for details too.
We can’t fight it.
We’ve lost already.

AT HOME:
GREAT BRITISH DAD sidesteps round WIFE.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
By the way... um... what shoe size are you? Is it, say, medium?

WIFE:
4. That’s probably small.

INT. WOMEN’S CLOTHING CHAIN STORE - DAYS LATER

GREAT BRITISH DAD, back at the till.

ANOTHER MANAGER:
The welly boot socks!

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
You remembered! I came back and you couldn’t change the order, but I’ve got the message that they’re in?

ANOTHER MANAGER:
Here they are - so, medium isn’t the right size.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
That’s right, can I change them for small now?

She taps on the store’s IPAD.

ANOTHER MANAGER:
I’m so sorry. The small has sold out.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
Okay. I understand.
(inside)
I do not understand your poxy system.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(out loud)
Can I get a refund?

ANOTHER MANAGER:
Of course!
(then)
I just need your postcode.
And your house number.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
(crushed - filling out receipt)
Of course.

ANOTHER MANAGER:
And your signature.
Here please.

INT. MY HOUSE - CHRISTMAS DAY

GREAT BRITISH DAD with WIFE on the SOFA surrounded by STUFF.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
I tried getting those welly socks you liked.

WIFE:
Oh, don’t worry. This is all lovely.

GREAT BRITISH DAD:
I found something better instead.
A Fifth Column.
Poor employees with whom we can sympathise and give love to, who are forced to get data from us, but who also are fed up of giving their stuff to The Man because we committed the crime of wanting stuff from The Man.

Maybe together we can make the system run badly...
give them dirty data and dead telephone numbers and postcodes that are one digit out.

What if we infect the system with our rubbishness, and bring it down like in War Of The Worlds?

We can bring this down... by being humans.

ON WIFE.

WIFE:
Sure.


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Why not home school our kids? Our lives are Ofsted abysmal. And 78-84 other British Dad Thoughts #BritishDadStuff


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Sunday, 15 January 2017

Why not home school our kids? Our lives are Ofsted abysmal. And 78-84 other British Dad Thoughts #BritishDadStuff



Here are the thoughts, hopes, ideas and dreams I'll be having this week.

Monday 16 January
Idea: Draw pictures of happy people and optimistic messages in the coffee shops' newspapers.
Cheer up the angry.

Tuesday 17 January
For our kids, my wife needs to wear a clock round her neck in the morning. Like Flavor Flav. Or Harvey Goldsmith backstage at Live Aid.

Wednesday 18 January
What would happen if we all went chasing our dreams?
Would absolutely nothing get done?

Thursday 19 January
Watching 2Pac's hip-hop videos with my 5 yr old.
She giggles "He said knickers!"
I gasp "We can't use the K word".

Friday 20 January
We're home-schooling our kids.
But in evenings after school.
Our life is Ofsted 'abysmal'.

Saturday 21 January
Wife Wisdom: The maximum size of a TV should be that heads aren't bigger than real life.

Sunday 22 January
Don't we all wonder about the Big Questions?
Like, how will the Universe help me be a flabby dilettante.



Previous post...
Why women's brains are more powerful. They do 6 times more than men. While getting mad at them. #BritishDadStuff


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Saturday, 14 January 2017

Why women's brains are more powerful. They do 6 times more than men. While getting mad at them. #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you realise just how badly wired are men's brains.


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

I’m watching YouTube on the laptop.



JOHN GRAY:
(on youtube)
“...She’s got 6 other places in the brain where she can listen from.
Women can analyse, and listen.
Women can feel, and listen.
Women can prioritise, and listen.
They can remember, and listen.
They can plan to the future, and listen.
And they can prepare to talk, and listen.

All those things simultaneously.
Men can only do it from one place.

So women often feel “He doesn’t listen” and the truth is, men don’t listen.
Ever.

In fact, no man ever in history, has ever really heard a woman.
Unless she chooses this technique.

Because what happens when a woman starts talking about problems...
Is instantly the wiring in a man’s brain is different - the amygdala responds to problems. In a man's brain the amygdala is wired up to the "Action Centre". So as soon as she starts talking about problems, he thinks "Must take action. What am I supposed to do? Is this this problem important? Not important? Cancel...

So he’s literally running around his brain, occasionally if there’s strong feeling, he has to relate to the feeling, and then the whole thing stops. Because once he goes to the feeling part of the brain, he can’t think at all, nor can he remember what you’re talking about.

So he’s literally - while you’re talking to him - his brain, he’s running all over the place. If you tell him: “You don’t have to solve anything, fix anything, analyse anything, change in any way, you don’t have to feel bad, guess what’s gonna happen? He will stay located in one part of his brain.

ME:
(to myself)
Men's brains are so weak.
Yet no woman's brain remembers this when it's getting angry at us.
Nature's cruel.
I've got tea down myself again.

Previous post...
Ripping off my own daughter's princess story #BRITISHDADSTUFF


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Friday, 13 January 2017

Ripping off my own daughter's princess story #BRITISHDADSTUFF



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you rip off story ideas from your own family.


Onec upon a time there was a baby girl and her name was Lily.

her mum sadly diad but there he found a nother mother.

She was selfish and mean to Lily.

When she was old but the evil mother had bing doing tricks on Lily she Was doing a lote of tricks on Lily like when she was getting some beacfast in the Kichen the mean mother was good at the tricks on lily but lily areideey neaw what she was doing because the King told her that thats whie she noese but because the King noese he has bing Watching the mean queen.



The queen notice that The Princess has got a unicorn.

Lily Went on her pink unicorn Went to the Wood and then a Princ Was riding by.

he heard something he went to see who was singing he went through the booshis and then he saw a girl with a unicorn.

he feld in Love With the girl.

and the girl fel in Love With the man they got married in london.

and evrybody came.

except for the mean queen and they all lived Happily every after.

The End.

© Great Story Team Ltd. 2017




Previous post...
Making cakes for coffee shop chains. My latest original idea for cash. #BRITISHDADSTUFF


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Thursday, 12 January 2017

Making cakes for coffee shop chains. My latest original idea for cash. #BRITISHDADSTUFF



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can spot yet another great idea to make money using your family.


ME:
I was in the queue in the coffee shop and they were still you know setting up... but on the counter they'd left out the invoice.

WIFE:
The invoice?

ME:
The invoice from the cake company for their cake.

WIFE:
Cake. One cake?

ME:
Yeah, I couldn't stop looking at it. It was an invoice for a single carrot cake.

WIFE:
How much, how much...

ME:
(teasing)
You wanna know how much?
(then)
£7.64.

WIFE:
£7.64. For a single carrot cake.

ME:
I don't know if they get other money or VAT on that, but that's how much for a carrot cake.
£7.64.
They flog it 2.80 a slice - 2.70 to eat out.
And there's about 14 slices.

WIFE:
So if they sell... 3 slices, they're ahead.

ME:
(does sums)
Yeah.

WIFE:
(does sums)
And they make about 30 quid a cake.

ME:
Yeah. Some guy in the other shop moaned about a fly landing on one. He wouldn't budge till they took the whole cake away.

WIFE:
Yeah, like they threw that away.

ME:
Right, I love it. That's his gift to the world today.
Cake hygene.
"I will not let any contamination stay in my eyeline."

WIFE:
We could make one cheaper than that.

ME:
That's what I thought. We could beat 7.64, right?
(remembers)
It had a delivery note that even said the temperature of the van. 1 degree chilled, minus 18 frozen. But I didn't see the price.

WIFE:
If we made them we could hand carry them

ME:
Maybe that's where the money is. Cake deliveries.

WIFE:
It's like a really special uber. Our car's cold in the morning.

ME:
We can use Old Ladies to deliver them around town. Cake experts. They don't have to be quick.

WIFE:
They can use their free bus pass.

ME:
They'd have trolleys with our logo - to, you know, protect the cakes.

WIFE:
Like the deliveroo boxes.

ME:
On top of the trolley. OAP... 'old a pastry.

WIFE:
Cake -GO -A-P...

ME:
Probably need a bit more work on that.

WIFE:
Yeah, the name.
That's the problem with that idea.
(beat)
I'm gonna make a carrot cake.


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Whoops I changed how you say Ibuprofen. Some more Transformers fan fiction for my son. #BRITISHDADSTUFF


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Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Whoops I changed how you say Ibuprofen. Some more Transformers fan fiction for my son. #BRITISHDADSTUFF



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can change your entire family's pronunciation of a single word.


Here's some more Transformers fan fiction for my son.

OPTIMUS PRIME:
IBUprofen.

SHOCKWAVE:
IbuPROfen.

OPTIMUS PRIME:
I always stress the boo. But you always manage to hit the 'pro'. IBUprofen. How do you do that?

SHOCKWAVE:
IbuPROfen, that's just how you say it. Ibuprofen.

OPTIMUS PRIME:
IBUprofen. No. I can't do it. It's like you're dancing along the word.
Dah-dahdah-dah. IbuPROfen. Oooh, got it.

MEGATRON SMASHES IN, CLUTCHING SOME PRECIOUS DARK ENERGON.

MEGATRON:
IbUprofen. What's wrong with that?

OPTIMUS PRIME AND SHOCKWAVE:
You pronounced the 'you'.

OPTIMUS PRIME:
I-boo-pro-fen.

SHOCKWAVE:
Ibu-pro-fen.

MEGATRON:
I-byou-pro-fen.

OPTIMUS PRIME OPENS UP THE IMPOSSIBLY MASSIVE DIRECTIONS SHEET.

OPTIMUS PRIME:
Maybe it's in the instructions.

SHOCKWAVE:
(DEADPAN) They're paracetamol.

MEGATRON PUTS DOWN THE DARK ENERGON TO SQUINT AT THE PACKET.

MEGATRON:
Is that the right pronounciation?

OPTIMUS PRIME:
It's pronunciation.

MEGATRON:
(TO SHOCKWAVE) How did he get that headache, again?

[POWER MUSIC STING]

My boy's gonna love it!


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My other skew on A Christmas Carol. Why is it the boss who's got to change? #BRITISHDADSTUFF


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Monday, 9 January 2017

My other skew on A Christmas Carol. Why is it the boss who's got to change? #BRITISHDADSTUFF



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you think a little too hard about the holidays.


What if the reason our Christmas traditions are Victorian... is because it was always just a response to Industrialisation.

We’ve got to standardise our holiday, instead of living like this all year round.

And so, we return to the TV industrial complex.

Having spent what we've earned this year.

To take a break.

From the earning and spending for next year.

What if... there were a reversioning of A Christmas Carol?

But instead of persuading Scrooge the Boss to give his employees a break and a bonus...
it's an employee seeing the error of his (or her) ways - handing it all over to the company while hiding her best stuff.

What if A Christmas Carol were about the employee opting out altogether?

Taking responsibility for being in the system and working for The Man, instead of taking responsibility for what they deep down know that they could be achieving.

It's not about taking a two-week break in Summer, and another 2 weeks in Winter.

It's about lining up her values so that she doesn’t feel the need to be in there.

It's about a final reckoning - where you choose to do something that might not work, instead of something safe that pays the bills (the bills you're racking up trying to be happy while you're handing over your life to the thing that's "safe").

Just realised, maybe that’s why we call it "work".

Avoiding the uplifting things in life that "might not work".

Wait a minute. Is this egg-nog out of date?

Happy new year!


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The tower I grew up in is called a block. Like you'd call a group of toilets. And 71-77 British Dad Thoughts #BRITISHDADSTUFF


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Sunday, 8 January 2017

The tower I grew up in is called a block. Like you'd call a group of toilets. And 71-77 British Dad Thoughts #BRITISHDADSTUFF



Here are the things in my head on this first real week of the year.

Monday 9 January
The council tower I grew up in is called a block.
Like you would call a group of toilets.

Tuesday 10 January
I've thought of the perfect present for my wife. A year's worth of my home-made erotica.

Wednesday 11 January
The more bright lights a restaurant puts behind its menu...
...the more you don't want to know what it puts into its food.

Thursday 12 January
Charity shop asked for my postcode.
I lied and said H1V.
Now I've got Gift Aids.

Friday 13 January
Why does no Dad ever think "That's it. I am now providing enough for my family."

Saturday 14 January
When you hear a sentence starting "Why can you not just accept that..."
Things are not good.
Really, not good.

Sunday 15 January
Nobody gives a shit about your shit.
Nobody.
So you might as well give your shit your best shot.



Previous post...
We need a Bag For Life for our Bags For Life, and the 64-70 other British Dad Thoughts #BritishDadStuff


I keep a whole year's worth of 365 Great British Dad Thoughts right here.

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