Wednesday, 20 June 2018

What if we're the baddies? #WeAreTheProblems

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if it takes me 10 minutes to work out that we are the baddies?

My kids came home from school and they were absolutely buzzing about Gandhi.

They want to know everything about this amazing hero from India.

And I’m delighted.
Finally, they’re into something where I don’t have to buy more expensive crap.

Optimus Prime and Lego Friends Andrea?
Get out and don’t come back.

Mahatma’s in da house.

And we’re looking up all the videos and movies and cartoons - there are Gandhi cartoons.

When you’ve got one billion people in your country, they’ve got you covered on every level of culture.

And what a brilliant story.

This man’s just in robes, and wears glasses.
And he's a baldy like me!

Using peaceful protest and passive resistance to kick out the army of baddies that shouldn’t’ve been there in the first place and...

It took me ten minutes to work out that we were the baddies.

“Daddy? Why are we running their country?”

When I was growing up, it was all British Airways adverts and Rule Britannia Last night of the Proms...

“Daddy, why were we taking all their stuff away?”

I had a “BRITAIN IS GREAT!” Union Jack top and we had parties in the streets - painting pavements and lampposts - we turned Central London into an actual Union Jack..

“Daddy, why wouldn’t we let Indian people use their own salt?”

And I’m reaching now.
Grabbing at anything so the British Empire doesn’t come off as a total knob.

“Well kids, we uh... did it for the money...
And money’s good, right? And we got all the railways and the big famous stone buildings, and er...”

“Slaves, Daddy. Did we have slaves?”

“Oh, boy. Yes. We, we did slaves. We did slaves real good... But here’s the thing.

Germany came along and did things much worse than crushing a billion people.
And they didn’t even do it for the cash.
And they bombed everything - the big stone buildings and the railways and...

And India worked out great.
They invented Bollywood and call centres so Daddy can yell at the bank down the phone... we practically work for them now.

“So Daddy, what you’re saying is because of the Germans, we completely got away with treating that many people so badly.”

Well, no. Not exactly.
Because I’ve got to explain it to you now, and you’ll have to explain it to your kids, and then their kids will have to explain it too.”

Then the kids are all like where's Optimus Prime and Lego Friends Andrea?

And I know that glasses and robes and a bald head aren't gonna get me out of this one.

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What if I need to treat my T-shirts better? #WeAreTheProblems

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Monday, 11 June 2018

What if I need to treat my T-shirts better? #WeAreTheProblems

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I need to treat my T-shirts better?

The T-shirt went for “shirt” status and I admire that.
It could have gone for “vest” but it reached for the stars.
And got my armpits.

And then T-shirt went for a hyphen.
Because apostrophe would be pretentious.

T-shirt and jeans is the uniform of my mid-life crisis.

Looking down, midriff crisis.

I am exactly the right age to pull off a T-shirt.
By pull off I mean wear and under no circumstances remove in public.

Bare chests are for youth.

My chest is improved by oblique pictures and/or big numbers.

I buy them from the finest fashion shops:
Anywhere with the words discount and outlet.

They’re called outlets because that’s the closest word to “waste products” and “rage”.
Which also explains my T-shirts' smell.

I can’t help feeling the 5 labels of care advice is... ambitious.

But the tags help me learn all the poorer parts of SE Asia.

The reason I am sharing all of this is that today I have to let one go.

It’s 40% cotton.

It was 100% but now it’s more holes than cotton.

I don’t know why I find it so hard to let my T-shirts go...
...from that special storage place that just happens to be the same distance I can hurl it from the bed.

When they’re in service, I don’t treat them very well.

I love them because they soak up everything.

This one has got so much of my DNA, I’m just surprised its not written this by itself.

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What if my eyebrows are too long for this world? #WeAreTheProblems

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Tuesday, 5 June 2018

What if my eyebrows are too long for this world? #WeAreTheProblems

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if my eyebrows are too long for this world?

I got my 9 year old son to pull out my eyebrows, and I really regret it.
Because now I miss them terribly.

I liked brushing them up the wrong way.
Like I used to gel my hair in the 1980s.

I don’t know why straight men are so bad at grooming.
But I do know that’s why we gave it the worst possible word.

And the worst place to do the grooming (ugh, that word...) is the bathroom.

Breeders like me know from birth that this is not a place for us.
It’s where we’re at our most vulnerable.

Have you seen how straight guys treat bathrooms?
The very last thing on our minds is tinkering with our appearance.

I went to my young son for help.
Turns out he had no problem whatsoever with ripping out hair from around my eye sockets.

And I’m glad he did, because it’s the perfect male bonding exercise.
Plus when I’m yelping in pain to my wife, man does she go on about childbirth.

So I’ve got my 9 year old plucking my eyebrows with tweezers.
He’s going at it like some broken game of Operation: one body part and 100 times the noise.

He went for the longest strand first.
“It’s like prison”, he told me, “You’ve got to take the biggest one out first as a sign to the others”.

And he didn’t stop.
Mainly so he could learn the more swearing.

I’m not so sure about it though.
Removing eyebrows is to make you look younger.
To look less experienced in the world.
So you don’t come off as a threat.

Which is kind of sneaky.
It’s like having a nose job before having kids.
And the baby comes out with an unexpected face.

And eyebrows are there for communication.
This is why women pluck theirs more than us.
They’re much better at picking up on the signals.

I need all the help I can get.
Mine had grown to the length of CAPS LOCK.

One day my eyebrows will reunite with my nose hair.
Then my kid won’t know where to start.

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What if I can't even get healthy eating right? #WeAreTheProblem

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Thursday, 24 May 2018

What if I can't even get healthy eating right? #WeAreTheProblems

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I even get healthy eating wrong?

I drink a smoothie full of kale from the Nutribullet every day.
I just found out raw kale has a chemical that blocks iodine and effectively shuts down your thyroid.

I can't even get Healthy Eating right.
I love the phrase "Healthy Eating".
It shows we managed to screw up even the one thing that keeps us alive.

But I'll keep trying.
I've got a family medical history that makes The World At War look cheery.
And is about the same length.
Filling in insurance forms makes me sick.
But there's no room left to put that in the box too.

I'm not big but when I measure the kids' heights on the wall, they're now tall enough to mark the width of my belly.

Both of them can bounce on it.
It's like a really slow sympathy pregnancy.
That my wife isn't sympathetic about.

On the upside, I can't see my spare tyre over my manboobs.
I hope my daughter will buy me a training bra.

Maybe my belly is protecting me and will grow to distance me from the fridge, or blocking out the adverts on TV.

So I'm trying to do something about it.
I get food advice from podcasts and they're great.
They last about an hour, or 3 to 4 family size Dairy Milks.

I now put coconut oil into my coffees.
The end of every drink looks like a Bounty Bar abbatoir.
It's meant to put more protein into my brain.
So I can think clearly through the palpitations.
It's already pushing out the 1980s clarinet lessons.

I make sure I get a rainbow of fresh food, from puff pastry beige all the way to burnt steak sandwich brown.

I'm taking probiotics with no idea what they do
All I know is the best brand has more billions of bacteria.
And a box that says "Now wash your hands".

All my cheap food I like has wheat in it and that makes my face red.
I look like Mr Strong having a stroke.
And he has got a really firm grip.

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What if I'm too late for solar power? #WeAreTheProblem

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Monday, 21 May 2018

What if I'm too late for solar power? #WeAreTheProblems

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I'm too late for solar power?

The planet is dying.
Humanity is headed for oblivion.
I will fix this.
By looking into getting some solar panels.

I want them to earn more money during the day than I do.

And turning our house into a power station is much easier than, say, using less electricity.

Not saying our home is rough but if we put the panels there, the roof will come down as well as our bills.

So I want to put them in the garden.

I want to become a solar power gardener.

I’ve got everything we need: a back yard, some shorts, and a really bad energy habit.

Plus two kids who treat the garden with such respect, it’s definitely the best place to put a cutting edge fragile electrical installation.

I can even get them a nice big pylon to play on.

I will have to wash the panels to get more power.

Bragging “I’m a bigwig energy company” while looking like a refugee with a squeegie doing windscreens before the lights turn green.

And then I’d spend all the money we save on an electric vehicle.

Because my kids want their mates to clock them in a brand new disabled assistance cart.

“Come on kids, it’s time for school!
beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep...

It will be at home with our clapped out electric halogen cooker.

I am so blessed to have something to gently illuminate my dinner.

I like my food cold and senstively lit.

It gives me the strength to watch my gorgeous family blowing more power than a Polish steelworks.

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What if I am an electronic hoarder? #WeAreTheProblem

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Thursday, 17 May 2018

What if I am an electronic hoarder? #WeAreTheProblems

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I am an electronic hoarder?

I have 183GB of stuff on my computer.
And I only need about none of it.

Emails, photos, files, I’m like that documentary man living in his own filth - crawling between piles of stuff that he can’t let go.

I am an electronic hoarder.
But I’m worse than a hoarder because I backup my backups.

So I’m doubling the stuff I’m holding onto.
Onto actual hard drives.

And now it’s actual hoarding, finding actual places to hide them.

It isn’t easy.
That’s why they’re called hard drives.

Because it'd be a calamity if my out of focus people pictures of people I live with fall into the hands of people I don’t live with.

I've got to hide them from burglars who specialise in out-of-date photography.

I am terrified of deleting anything.
But I love it because it’s the one time my PC is even less decisive than me.

“Are you sure you want to delete this?”
The only answer they give you is “Yes” or “No”

That’s because a computer programmer who get a machine into my house is a really successful person.

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn’t make ker-jillions from knowing words like “Maybe?” or “Can we do it after Ice Road Truckers”

I should only get my gadgets from mediocre ditherers.

That forget my stuff now and again.

I need my files on a box built by a chump.

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What if I just don't believe in school? #WeAreTheProblem #SATs

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Wednesday, 16 May 2018

What if I just don't believe in school? #WeAreTheProblem #SATs

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I just don't believe in school?

My mates go a bit weird when I tell them my kids go to a Church of England school.

I’m embarrassed because I know I’m not into God enough for them to be there.
And by enough I mean at all.

So when I get a weird reaction, it’s like I’m being persecuted for my non-beliefs.

If only there was some kind of figure or group of people who’d appreciate that.

And then I feel sorry for the teachers because they’ve got to be good enough for the Government as well as God.
If Ofsted thinks the school’s “Outstanding” and Jesus is like “meh”
Who do we believe?

I don’t know how to say this but, I don’t believe in the Department of Education.

I don’t think we should take their teachings too literally.

I’m just not a regular school-goer.

They’re so judgemental.

So now there’s two reasons we’re gonna get busted, and this is a really good school.
The kids are learning way more than me.

Subordinating conjunctions, determiners, verb inflections...
I haven’t got a clue.

And I’m trying to get them to teach me.
But they don’t want to.

The only way I can do it is by tricking them.
I’m like asking casually “What would the Lord do... if he had a relative clause?”

And they’re not having any of it.
That's not very Christian.
“Wouldn’t He give it to someone in need?”

But now they’re getting all fronted adverbial and I don’t even know what that means.

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What if my wife wants me to get better at lying? And #WeAreTheProblems 204-210

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Monday, 14 May 2018

What if my wife wants me to get better at lying? And #WeAreTheProblems 204-210

My #WeAreTheProblems this week.

Monday 14 May
My son is being confused by an autistic kid repeatedly calling him "gay".
And I don’t even know where to start on whose rights to respect first.
All I know is he won’t say “Oh shut up and kiss me.”

Tuesday 15 May
Interesting choice: It's called Twitter.
Not Finger Pointer.

Wednesday 16 May
I am incapable of reassuring my wife.
I think she wants me to get better at lying.

Thursday 17 May
Men, face it.
Using sat nav is asking for directions.

Friday 18 May
All songs with words about lengths, sizes and measurements are utter filth.

Saturday 19 May
They're not energy levels.
They are lack of fear levels.

Sunday 20 May
I suffer from attention obesity.
I am focus fat.

And if you're affected by any of the issues raised in this list,
All 365 #WeAreTheProblems from this year are here

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Rod Hull and Emu at the BBC

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Friday, 27 April 2018

Rod Hull and Emu at the BBC

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

The most watched video on my Youtube channel at the moment is Boy George on Larry Grayson.

It must be the way I worded it.

But the second best most watched is this, one of the first packages I produced for TV...

It's a montage of Rod Hull and Emu's time at the BBC for a long-forgotten BBC One programme called Aunties TV Favourites with Steve Wright.
(I left out the infamous Michael Parkinson clip, that was played in separately for the show but to me he just comes off as a miserable so and so anyway.)

I went through every show he appeared in and managed to get in his first British TV appearance on Lulu, Ronnie Corbett, Peter Powell, Sing A Song of Emu, Michael Aspel on Ask Aspel, Larry Grayson and the Generation Game, the dogs and presenters Lesley Judd, John Noakes, Peter Purves and Shep, EBC 1 (Emu's Broadcasting Company, Ahhhh!) and Norman Wisdom. I added some more clips which weren't used at 0:58.


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I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless? #WeAreTheProblem

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Thursday, 26 April 2018

I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless? #WeAreTheProblem

I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless?

I have 71 shares in a national chain of supermarkets.

I am a fat cat shareholder.

This year, that supermarket chain will stop their staff from having paid breaks.

To make more money for their shareholders.

Which is me.

I could sell the shares.

But that's weak.
I don’t think they’re doing enough.

Not paying the staff for their breaks is a great idea.

It’s not as if they’re doing anything useful.

They’re just resting from making money for me.

How's that going to make more money for me?

Why aren’t we charging them for their uniforms, heat and light and falling below a certain speed?

Why am I even writing this?

We should make the staff come up with more ideas for making money from them.

And charge them banking fees on their wages.

No, pay the staff into the supermarket’s own bank, and then charge banking fees on that.

I know I got the shares when I was working there as staff, but they stopped that scheme to make it more profitable for shareholders - and I want more.

No good work is ever done on an in-breath.
Micropayments only on everyone's out-breaths.

I am an awesome shareholder.

I am so ruthless - I see your ruthlessness.

And I am gonna find even more ruth to lose.

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What if I try and get my kid off video games? #WeAreTheProblem

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