Thursday, 28 January 2016

My hilarious Energy Performance Certificate man sketch with my wife #BritishDadStuff



You know you are a Great British Dad when...

You have conversations like this.

My Energy Performance Certificate man sketch


INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Among PILE OF PACKING BOXES.

MY WIFE:
The EPC man came round today.

ME:
A?

MY WIFE:
The EPC man came round--

ME:
A?

MY WIFE:
The EPC man--

ME:
A?

MY WIFE:
Your tea's cold.

ME:
(BEAT) A?



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Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dishes... its Round 4 of my Great British Dad Gameshow Challenge pilot thing #BritishDadStuff


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Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dishes... its Round 4 of my Great British Dad Gameshow Challenge pilot thing #BritishDadStuff



Here it is, the next round of my Great British Dad Gameshow Challenge

Round 4: Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dishes

It's all explained in the video below, but it's a freestyle round.

Every Dad has a dirty dish, usually done on those rare times they're on their own or got the house to themselves.

Mine in the pilot is "Orange Baileys Viennetta".

Get a pen, the recipe is:
Some Vienetta
1x Orange
1x Bottle of Baileys


Here's the pilot on this Youtube link here, or embedded here:




ME:
"Hello, I'm Neil and this is Round 4 of the Great British Dad Gameshow Challenge Thing.

So this is round 4, it's a bit of a freeform round...
It's difficult to work out a point scoring system for this.

It might need to have some kind of judge, even though judges on gameshows suck,
but there might be a way round that.

Anyway, the rules of this round are really simple.
Every Dad has got within them a dish,
a Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dish.

It's the kind of thing they cook when they're by themselves,
or late at night when they've got the house to themselves?

I mentioned this to a friend of mine, Fay,
and she said her dad's Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dish was basically beans on toast.
When the beans are cooking, just before the end, you put in a can of tuna as well.

My dish, my Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dish, is more of a dessert.
So here we go, and let's see how this pilot works out.
[ATONAL THEME MUSIC]

"So we've got the Viennetta,
I've grated some, I've zested some orange.
Now here comes the Baileys.
Mmmmmm.

That's Viennetta Orange Baileys.
Or Viennetta Baileys Orange.
So there you have it, that's one of the reasons why I am not a food blogger.
But that's round 4 of the Great British Dad Gameshow challenge pilot thing.
If you've got a Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dish, tweet me!
Or leave a comment under this video.
And we'll try out some of your recipes.
Don't forget to subscribe, it really helps me keep this thing going.


Do you have a Deadbeat Dad Dirty Dish? Leave me a link or a recipe in the comments here!

Or


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Previous post...
I want to hug all Old Ladies in wheelchairs #BritishDadStuff


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Tuesday, 26 January 2016

I want to hug all Old Ladies in wheelchairs #BritishDadStuff



I have a visceral reaction to Old Ladies in wheelchairs.

I can't help it... I see them and I want to hug them in the way that Old Ladies want to hug babies.

They're being pushed by their daughter or husband - thinking about it, I've clocked this a few times and I don't think I've ever seen them being pushed by someone who'd look like their son.

They always have mad hair: where it’s been combed and brushed into its former glory but it hasn’t gone the way it’s meant to.
It's defiant, in a way the legs no longer are.
And it’s beautiful.

The wheelchair old lady doesn’t believe it, but it’s as much a part of them as their smile.

And it’s the hair over the wheelchair back that always catches my attention first.

And I think how lucky you are that can can push her around in the wheelchair.

You haven't got long - it seems like a grind and you’ve probably taken hours with the carers to get her dressed and into the wheelchair.
And everything you're doing is wrong.
And you've got the same long list of tasks and feeding when you get back in.
But how lucky are you, that you’ve got one more day of doing that.

And I see the hair and I think, do you think they'd let me have a go?
Just one more push.


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Previous post...
My list of every sacred word I can think of for my upcoming Sacred and Profane weekly draw. Think they're all here.


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Monday, 25 January 2016

My list of every sacred word I can think of for my upcoming Sacred and Profane weekly draw. Think they're all here.



Heartlake City, from Lego Friends

There's a theory that you get more powerful artistic ideas when you combine the sacred with the profane.

Like the home to Olivia, Andrea, Emma, Mia and Stephanie... the Lego Friends.

Heartlake City

Heart (sacred) lake (sacred) City (profane)

In a couple of weeks I'll start the weekly draw to combine different sacreds and profanes, but first I need the sacreds on cards to pull from the hat. (It won't be a hat. At the moment, in my head it's two Jiffy bags... but just thought I could get something better. Like a helmet for the profanes. And er, something nice for the sacreds. A sea grass basket. Or a leaf bowl.)

Anyway, here is every sacred I came up with last year.

Except my action camera cuts itself out after 25 minutes.
It's a Ricoh feature, that I only realised after 40 minutes.
Most of them are on here, so you get the jist.

My list of every sacred word for the Sacred and Profane weekly draw




Did I miss any? It'd be great to be left any in comments here



My complete list of sacred and profane words is here

Previous post...
I feel sorry for CEOs of big companies... because I am a Great British Dad #BritishDadStuff


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Thursday, 21 January 2016

I feel sorry for CEOs of big companies... because I am a Great British Dad #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...

You feel sorry for CEOs of multinational companies, because...


...they don't get to help push their neighbour's car round the corner to the garage in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon.

Or dance in the kitchen to "My First, My Last, My Everything" just because the school-run got home a bit early.

Or giggle at the dog on the front lawn pulling itself along to scratch its bum.

Or offer the bus driver of the Guildford Park & Ride
the 5th doughnut in a pack of 5,
scoffed by their family of 4,
on the back row of 3 seats,
out of sight of his rear-view mirror.

Or bounce with their kids for ten minutes too long on a trampoline.


I know they don't do these things.

Because they don't talk about doing these things.

How's that share price and 3-year strategy going?

Ah, nice.




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Previous post...
Dinner vs. Tea - the battle over our kids language continues #BritishDadStuff


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Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Dinner vs. Tea - the battle over our kids language continues #BritishDadStuff



The Ongoing War over our child pronouncing toothpaste as "tuth" and Dinner vs. Tea.

I love my wife - the mother of our kids - and I'm proud of her heritage.

Which just happens to be from the West of England - round the areas of Cheltenham, Gloucester, Forest of Dean.


She is really well-spoken, and the only accent...
Literally - the only accent - is one word.

One single word.

"Tooth".

Is pronounced "Tuth".

"I don't have any tuthpaste"
"I've got tuth ache!"
"Will we get any money from the Tuth Fairy?"


No.
No no no no.


Why can't I let her have that one word?

Why has it thrown me that now that's how our kids pronounce it?


Is it some kind of DNA war going on there where my genes have to triumph?

I hope to pass on to my son a working knowledge of the one-way systems of North London and Male Pattern Baldness, so what's wrong with this one word?




There's actually another word that we're fighting for in our household too,
and I've seen it in other parents who have children of a North-South dual heritage.

Tea.

Dinner.

It's dinner.


I know this is controversial, but it's barmy.

We've never discussed it - it's a silent one-word war of attrition - over our kids' minds.

Whoever gets "tea" or "dinner" used more will win.


Before heading off for a birthday, our four year old daughter summed it up when she asked -
"Will there be party tea?"

Party tea.

What is party tea?

Is it a drink?
Or an event involving the drink?


I get it - it's a shortening of Afternoon Tea.

But fish-fingers at 5pm is not a course at The Ritz.

So like the North-South skirmishes on the Korean Border, through repeated minor skirmishes, wins that aren't wins and constant propaganda-pushing our cause, we each both know deep down...
that we shall prevail.


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Previous post...
Being cool to the really cool older kids in Gospel Oak Primary school. Orchestra. 1981.


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Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Being cool to the really cool older kids in Gospel Oak Primary school. Orchestra. 1981.


(I can name every kid in my class. I cheat, with a copy of the school concert programme, but I can still name them. I won't in case they want their privacy... but I know they were in my class.)

I remember really clearly being in thrall to some kids two years above me in Gospel Oak Primary School.

They were so cool because they were the Saxophone section of Mr. Hays School Orchestra.

(Richard Hays is uber-famous to the kids of NW3 - there used to be a facebook fan page dedicated to stories about him on Facebook, and he deserves a post in his own right. One day.)

In breaks, the three of them - in my head it was William Palin (son of the comedy god and national treasure), Demitri Doganis (the BAFTA award winning documentary filmmaker) and Alex Garland (Oscar award-winning novellist who wrote The Beach and 28 Days Later etc etc, but was better known to me then as Theo's big brother).

I'm sure I've got these names wrong - but those three were definitely in my school in the year above, and hung out with each other, and were really really cool.


(This is where it happened - only photo I could find of the hall was from this flooring company.
Funny thing is it's the exact angle I remember staring from as a kid).



They would play "that" tune from Geno by Dexy's Midnight Runners.

In the next little break that came up, I mustered up the courage to have a go at it on my clarinet. (I only started the clarinet so I could get up to a Saxophone, which I never did. Maybe my parents just told me that because they couldn't afford it).

Anyway, having worked out the tune under my breath to get the notes right, I let rip and blasted it out. And the three of them did a double-take... then... made approving noises and - William, in my head - said "Look at him - he can play Geno!" and they all gave me that older mentor nod of "hang in there kid!".

I was in seventh heaven in the second year.
Is it on - or in - 7th Heaven?
Either way, I felt cool.

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Previous post...
Saying hello on a country path. Or not. Which are you?


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Monday, 18 January 2016

Saying hello on a country path. Or not. Which are you?



I'm in a field in the middle of nowhere.

Which are you?

There is a 50/50 split - clean between having to say "Hello!" to the complete stranger other person walking past...

...which means the other half is trying to avoid it.

This is what's in one of our heads:

EXT. COUNTRY PATH IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - DAY

(VOICEOVER)
"You're in the middle of nowhere.
That is why you're there.
You haven't gone there because it's a place to socialise or meet the community or make new friends.

That's what Post Office queues are for.

Some Divine Creator or profound algorithm - depending on your beliefs - has provided this beautiful landscape to drink in.

But you, you, that's not enough for you.
You also need to get into my eyeline just so that I can acknowledge you.

I will never see you again.

I promise you, we'll never have this again.

And yet you want your presence to be known, and you want me to let you know that I know you know of my presence.

Does that pretty much cover it?

Maybe we can go through it in more detail... maybe even during our next non-conversation in the middle of nowhere."

(THEN, OUT LOUD)
Hello."

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Previous post...
My new inner arm tattoo and a pair of filthy mugs - yet another update of #ArmTattooWisdom


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Sunday, 17 January 2016

My new inner arm tattoo and a pair of filthy mugs - yet another update of #ArmTattooWisdom

Like everyone else, my inner arm tattoo contains advice and wisdom to get me through the week......

"Don't be rude"



By the way, you know you're a Great British Dad...

...when you realise that you could offer the chipped mug, but don't.

Or the thing that fell on the floor, but don't.

And you're hit by the immense power that you wield in a relationship.



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Previous post...
Old Spice Man muscle music, funny cos its sacred and profane with the big list growing bigger here


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Saturday, 16 January 2016

Old Spice Man muscle music, funny cos its sacred and profane with the big list growing bigger here

Old Spice Muscle Man Music



There's a theory that when you combine the Sacred with the Profane, you conjure up scenes which are even more powerful, compelling or funny.

Here is the Old Spice Muscle Music (or in his words, DO IT!)



You could look at it as a combination of:

Music (Sacred) and Bodybuilding (Profane)
Or
Music (Sacred) and Technology (Profane)
Or
Music (Sacred) and Shouting (Profane)

And "Flame Sax!" is
Instrument (Sacred) and Flamethrower (Profane)
Or
Fire (Sacred) and Saxophone (Profane)

Anyway, I've spent most of tonight shooting my first Sacred and Profane videos - and I noticed that I put a whole list of sacreds into a list of profanes... so here they are extracted as my final list of sacred and profanes before the first big draw of random combinations next weekend.




Trust
Family home
Laughter
Community
Making love
Promise
Cwtch
Accents
Naked
Medal


Angry voice
Actor/Actress
Engineer
Paint
Falling over
Dirty
Lottery
Punk
Racism
Demon


The (now complete) big fat list of Sacred and Profanes is here


Previous post... (which looks like a double-profane)
Asdas car park, where my son learnt his first swear #BritishDadStuff


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Friday, 15 January 2016

Asdas car park, where my son learnt his first swear #BritishDadStuff



You know you're a Great British Dad when...

...your child learns their first swear word in the Asda car park.


Ah look, there it is. Asda car park.

The place where my 6 year old son learnt his first swear word.

From me.

Thanks to my very broad North London pronunciation of it, he's got it completely wrong.

But alas, he has enough consonants in there to know exactly what it is.

Indeed. Arrkinnell.

Please please please, whatever you do,
Promise me you'll never never never use that word...
...anywhere near Mummy.

"Oh she did a swearing last week. It was really bad."

"What was it?"

"I can't tell you.
(THEN) It was really bad."





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Previous post...
British Dads making mistakes. Or getting condoms in the online supermarket delivery #BritishDadStuff


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Thursday, 14 January 2016

British Dads making mistakes. Or getting condoms in the online supermarket delivery #BritishDadStuff



People make mistakes.

That's why they put rubbers on parents.
© British Dad Stuff 2016


You know you're a Great British Dad...

When you order one of every box of condoms from Sainsburys Online,

...just to see the delivery man explain the substitutions to us.




By the way, I love the Special Offers on there.

Something for Before, During, and After...






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Previous post...
How to empty your house of stuff in 3 months and 2 minutes - FAVE TV #34 NBC Today Marie Kondo package


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it really helps me keep this blog going...

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

How to empty your house of stuff in 3 months and 2 minutes - FAVE TV #34 NBC Today Marie Kondo package



When I started my list of all time 100 favourite TV moments, it was meant to be all about the weird stuff I loved growing up with in the 70s and 80s, and some of the stuff from being an archive researcher at the BBC
(here's a link to Steve Wright and Edd the Duck...)
.

But more and more, the clips are ones forwarded to me on YouTube - TV from around the world, made any time.
Do they count?
They do now.

This NBC Today package by Meena Duerson literally changed our life.



We read some extracts and tried out the book: "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying: A simple, effective way to banish clutter forever" by Marie Kondo and then this happened.



and this



and this



and this



Everything you need to know about the "Konmari method" is in that video at the top.

You have to work through all your possessions by type, in a strict order.

If you break the order, I think you'll fail.

It's like working through the belts of a martial art.
(Making sure to throw out the belts when you've done them).

A moment now, for our fallen from the Garden shed.



The other crucial thing is that you actually have to hold the item in your hands when you decide whether or not it sparks joy.

Not "it might come in useful" or "I've not used this in a year" or "I'll find somewhere for this".
It's, does holding this thing make me happy?

On every single item - from every sock to every photo.

And you let go of everything that doesn't spark joy. For us that means looking like nutters in Scope and Sue Ryder with 9 car loads and getting on first name terms with the team at the Tip.

We let it all go.
And it felt great.
Marie Kondo in the book explains what happens next - don't want to give away any spoilers here.

This is the book:



Which lead us onto another brilliant book:
Stuffocation: Living More With Less




We haven't given them away.
Yet.



My full Top 100 TV list is coming together here...

And here are the last few...


#26 Late Night with David Letterman



#27 Chopper Squad



#28 CHiPs



#29 The BBC Grandstand Fight



#30 Rainbow



#31 The Theme From Juliet Bravo



#32 Any and every James Hunt documentary...



#33 Foreign language sketch shows



Previous post...
Round 3 of my Great British Dad Challenge Gameshow pilot - Squashing down the wheeliebins after you missed a week #BritishDadStuff

Monday, 11 January 2016

Round 3 of my Great British Dad Challenge Gameshow pilot - Squashing down the wheeliebins after you missed a week #BritishDadStuff



Yeah! I finally got round to shooting ROUND 3 of my Great British Dad Challenge Gameshow (Working Title) pilot with my boy

SQUASHING DOWN THE WHEELIEBINS AFTER YOU'VE MISSED A WEEK




I know. I've got to talk to him about holding on a wide shot.

All sorts of teething problems with this pilot.

But the rules are you've got to see how much extra room you can create to get your family through to the next Biffo (or is it Biffa, Bifta? or Aviva, no, not them, the other one) kerbside visit.

Viola! No, Vieleda.
Veolia. That's the shampoo.
Veeolia?

There's a 50/50 sudden death jeopardy to the round to pick normal or recycling.


Any others? Comments below

Or... if you do have any British Dad gameshow rounds I can completely steal for no money but huge thanks and road tested painfully in my own home?
Tweet me!


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Previous post...
True love's kiss #BritishDadStuff


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Friday, 8 January 2016

My very last Sacred and Profane... and I've got more Profanes than Sacreds. A lot more.



Poetry on estate agents boards

From this brilliant article by Ariane Sherine.


Basically, turns out there's a guy in Kentish Town (near where I grew up in London)...
and he puts his poetry up on estate agents boards outside his house.

It's lovely, and Sacred and Profane.

Poetry (sacred) plus Estate Agents (profane)
Art (sacred) plus Advertising (profane)

Sacred and Profane is a theory that art is more powerful when two ideas from the worlds of the Sacred and the Profane are combined.

So this is it.

My very last list of Sacred and Profane.

And I've ended up with loads more Profanes than Sacreds.

I can't even put them in a nice table box, so here they are as a scrappy list.



Valley
Gift
Song









Angry voice
Actor/Actress
Engineer
Paint
Falling over
Dirty
Lottery
Punk
Racism
Demon

Muck
Vanity
Scratched
Scowl
Processed food
Discharge
Chains
Fad
Spree
Neon

Wages
Sudden


I'm still plucking up the courage to make a video next week when I randomly draw five sacreds and put them with five profanes.

I'll put everything into the Hat of Art. I don't know if I'll commit to the combinations as they come out (like some kind of football team draw), or if I can get a bit of a switcheroo to jig them around once all ten words are out. I'll do both.
I've got to make the video now.


Do you have any Sacreds I've missed?!? Comments below

The (now complete) big fat list of Sacred and Profanes is here

Previous post...
Saw a London bus wheelchair ramp accident today. Should I blog it?


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Thursday, 7 January 2016

Saw a London bus wheelchair ramp accident today. Should I blog it?



Dunno why I'm blogging this. Just feel like I need to put it out there.

Guess I can find the funny in it later.

What the photos don't show are the poor lady, (we're on first name terms now, but lets give her some privacy), sprawled all over the pavement of York Way N7, only one street down from where I faced my own personal wheelchair/bad ramp accident a couple of years ago.

They also don't show seven people wading in to help, or the two others who watched their bags for them on the pavement.

Maybe that's the spark of joy to take away from this.

She told me this was the third time this has happened to her on London Buses wheelchair ramp.

The third time.

Toppling out of a bus is now a normal, or regular, thing in her life.

This is getting me closer to writing about angry-tweeting to companies, which is about the same and as effective as mooning a CCTV operator.

Think I've managed to keep my New Year's Resolution on that for the time being, and kept the tach in the black.

Here is my "blog post":











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Previous post...
Waving back at your kids when you leave the house in the morning and the neighbour thinking the waves are for them. #BritishDadStuff


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Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Waving back at your kids when you leave the house in the morning and the neighbour thinking the waves are for them. #BritishDadStuff



You know you're a British Dad when...

You're waving back to your kids while you're leaving your house in the morning.

And a neighbour waves back.

Or you wave, trying to aim it at the kids at the window,

but the further away you go,

the more scattershot your deranged waving becomes.

And it's going-to-school time, so you've got kids of big-school age trying to walk down the street,

while you're waving like a nutter at my tiny kids in their window,

that noone else can see.



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Previous post...
My Dad picked up Luke Skywalker in 1977 #BritishDadStuff #StarWars


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Tuesday, 5 January 2016

My Dad picked up Luke Skywalker in 1977 #BritishDadStuff #StarWars



"Whos the young one in that Star Wars Neil?"

So only now do I find out that Dad picked up Mark Hamill in his taxi off the Kings Road in 1977.

"Not Harrison Ford... or that princess in the white dress, the other one - the young one"

"Luke Skywalker?"

"Dunno - he was wearing a Beano badge.

I said "What you doing wearing that badge - my son's got one of them at home... And he's five!" (That was me).

"And he said that he "just sort of liked the look of it."

"Struck me as a really nice bloke. Could take a laugh. Very pleasant chap."

And my Dad thought I wouldn't be interested in that.

Until it occurred to him now.

That was my unexpected Star Wars (cast) review.



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Previous post...
13 Other things you do not know about the woman from that Gucci Bamboo advert...


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Monday, 4 January 2016

13 Other things you do not know about the woman from that Gucci Bamboo advert...



Hands down, the funniest advert this Christmas was this:




"When she speaks, we listen.
When she moves, we watch.
And where she goes, we follow.
She controls.
She masters.
Underneath it all, she wears Gucci Bamboo."

But here are 13 more things you do not know about the Gucci Bamboo woman.

"When it is raining. It is because she is thinking about something sad."

"Every time she swims, dolphins appear"

"Her car MOT's itself. And passes every time."

"Even her enemies list her as their ICE number."

"She has a cook in the kitchen, a lover in the bedroom, and a weatherman in the garden."

"Her personality is so magnetic, she is unable to carry an Oyster or other contactless cards."

"She once resolved a Middle Eastern conflict with just, you know, a "look"."

"She taught a horse to read her facebook feed to her."

"She can open any tetrapak, by merely sighing within its presence."

"Her council tax band is xxx"

"She chose Lancelot and set of balls number 3. Twice."

"Her single pout experiences more than lesser men in a lifetime."

"She also plays kettle drums in the nude."


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Previous post...
Dads Army - probably resonated because it combined the Sacred and the Profane - here's some more #ScriptChat


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Friday, 1 January 2016

Dads Army - probably resonated because it combined the Sacred and the Profane - here's some more #ScriptChat



Dad's Army

Old people (sacred) as fighting soldiers (profane)

Meeting in a Church (sacred) to battle the Nazis (profane)

In a sleepy seaside town (sacred) during World War II (profane)


Following the theory that combining the Sacred with the Profane leads to ideas which are even more funny, powerful, compelling and impactful...

Every Friday through 2015, I tried coming up with 10 sacreds and profanes.

I've still got many many more profanities than things which are sacred.
Even though they fall into groups which are similar, so for example all things in nature are sacred.
All machines and forms of technology are profane.

And I'm starting to list out things from these big groups...

So this is probably my penultimate list of "sacreds" for combining with "profanes":



Baby food
Fabric
Fluffy
Caress
Pattern
Brother/Sister
Tradition
Pastel
Beauty
Geyser


Shootout
Nazi
Contraception
Matt
Supersize
Power station
Filth
Warrior
Consumer Goods
Disorder


The (nearly complete) big fat list of Sacred and Profanes is here

I'm REALLY running low on Sacreds... can you think of any?

Tweet me!

What do you think? Comments below


Previous post...
That video pilot of round 2 of my British Dad Stuff Gameshow - Fishing stuff out from behind radiators... #BritishDadStuff


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