The RDA with John Gordillo - Full Series of The Recommended Daily Allowance

The first ever edition of The RDA with John Gordillo



The Recommended Daily Allowance with John Gordillo - Monday 3 July 2000 - BBC Choice
Series Producers Karen Rosie, John Gordillo and Neil Mossey.

John Gordillo's home site is here

S1E01PT1
Political correspondent Jo Coburn was awesome.

Almost live from TC2 - and it was just an idea, but this is pretty much how we wanted it to come out...

Twelve years on, and we completely understand the notes we got internally at the time:

'Why is he standing up at the start, holding his script?

Can't you get him some prompt cards with the show logo printed on?

Why is he standing up though? Why not at the desk?'


Because that is how tv was done in the early 2000s... and now...



Yes, as our biggest audience was the BBC TVC Stage VI News Centre overnight shift staff who in time went on to be promoted and work on better rotas so The RDA with John Gordillo also went on to directly influence the presentation style of BBC News main network bulletins. There.


S1E01PT2 - The RDA with John Gordillo



S1E01PT3 - London Mayoral Inauguration on The RDA with John Gordillo



S1E01PT4 - Sally Gray on The RDA with John Gordillo



(Full RDA page is here)



SERIES TWO

ACHIEVEMENTS
• Got a Eurovision Jury Spokesperson to send a secret signal to our viewers which 300 million viewers saw around the world
• Slovenian Ambassador
• Show LIVE AT ROYAL ALBERT HALL - Huge OB
• Britain’s Gayest Man
• First Show to run a Crane camera into the set


SHOW 1 Monday 2nd April - (reversioned)

0.00
BREAK UP THE TOWN OPENING

2.41
OPENING MONOLOGUE
- dancers big opportunity - rubble from TVC - They’ve made us “Le Vision” Centre -

4.28 TITLES - No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish

5.15
ELECTION NO ANNOUNCEMENT
Still dont know when - last time he mixed up dates, Cherie got pregnant - Local elections date you shouldn’t bother voting -

6.00
NATIONAL DEPRESSION WEEK
Depression Alliance - have a TESSA with them -

7.40
DESK CORRESPONDENT - RITA GORDILLO
depression facts - but john when are you going to find nice jewish girl? - which bbc are you on?
John tries shutting her up...

10.16
RDA PUBLICITY
Radio Times & The Lady Magazine

11.17
THE FAXOMETER
Jon Morrice & Neil

14.52
INTRO TO SCARBOROUGH

15.40
SCARBOROUGH VT
Get woman onto bus (16.45 - 17.30)
Stuart Murphy, Christopher Price, Ana Boulter as himself

22.00
BARBARA SPEAKE
- did kids enjoy themselves? Havent asked them yet - struggles with computer - how did you set up the school - Im wondering if you’re going to be sensible or otherwise - I apologise, - I accept your apology - Phil Collins is a former pupil - Cant spot talent - would you spot me? Doubt it - when you took glasses off were you surprised they were children? - picks out woman from audience - Thanks Barbara -

27.36
NICHOLSON BROTHERS ROUTINE

ends 28.25


SHOW 2 - Tuesday 3rd April - (Reversioned)
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
- New Barrymore quiz over drowning – surely too soon?! - Maxim Woman of Year - Vanessa
CLIP - open with Arnold Schwarzennegger

2.58 TITLES - EPISODE 2 Pig In The City

3.40
SPY PLANE
Enough technology to build Playstation 2 - Destroys data - Windows 98

4.12
MAXIM WOMAN OF THE YEAR

4.30 VANESSA CLIP

4.50
SOLIDEX 2001
Spoke to someone from Solids Handling Magazine - Paul Flood - can we get tape of solids handling?

6.00
DESK CORRESPONDENT - ANGELLICA BELL
Reasons for collapse of wold economy - 7.30 birthday cards

8.30
FAXOMETER

14.38
CLOSING VOICEOVER

15.00 SOLIDS PICTURES CUT TO ARNOLD

16.10
TOMORROWS SHOW

16.25
WEATHERCAM - LEEDS - Dominic
I’d rather be here - leeds utd players beating up people? - ambulance going there - stand in front of camera and give us a wave - do workout! - do you have a question for vanessa?

INTRO - MY BRUSH WITH…
22.40
VANESSA FELTZ
- First on - big fan - your contract dropped - what happened to you at beeb? - expensive divorce - jon m question - angellica qu - dominic’s question - Celebrity Big Brother - Im only person to tell it to f*** off - noone across the world has told it to f*** off - didn’t realise I had a problem with authority -
im pissed off ive been done wrong, men are pigs - bb told me to do stuff, only realised this is shit - I thought im not giving back my chalk then I thought F*** OFF

ENDS - 28.15


SHOW 3 - Wednesday 4th April - (Reversioned)
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
Cut out good stuff from show - we usually use audience cutaways - heres our cutaway shot
Shaun, Belinda Conan - never been on tv before -

2.41 TITLES - Not that it matters, but most of what follows is true.

3.22
52ND BIRTHDAY OF NATO
Here’s their latest video -

4.20
VITIMIN C BIRTHDA Y
- LEADS INTO THOUGHTS OF THE CUTAWAY SHOT

5.05
ARAB SUMMIT - WHAT WOULD PAUL COIA DO?

6.12
FAXOMETER
- New angle - why cant we we get a microphone there -

9.13
DESK CORRESPONDENT - COSMOS TRANSMUTAZOID
- Im making this sound wth my voice - I will destroy you - sits uncomfortably - its my catchthreat - I sensed a surge of evil energy - lords vote - honda civic - foxes coming to town - tough crowd - is this thing on? - station - we lost them and got them back - I will destroy you!

13.24 CLOSING VOICEOVER
DIFFICULT MULTIPLE CHOICE PHONE IN

14.13
** CLASSIFIED AD BREAK **

16.00
TOMORROWS SHOW - COSMOS WALKS BEHIND
17.00 - Pineapples from bbc choice

17.55
ADAM BLOOM
- gay week on choice- turnover, physically - you sell out - im a live performer - aim low, I aim to have 2 failed marriages and a drink problem - don’t think comedy should be about things which are already funny - putting mirror up to painting - worked out why we’re obsessed with willies: only got one of them - you’re in love - you want to be in relationship - who are you daniella - I can do rubik cube one minute - cutaway audience - its done - going to new zealand - whats it like getting laughs out of live audience??? -

ends - 28.51


SHOW 4 - Thursday 5th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
We’re running late because of the who shot phil - thought he shouldve been vaccinated
- thanks to everyone who helps - my understudy Matt - Understudy Crew - Understudy audience - and Andrew Cody, my stunt cock 1.58 - 2.22 - coming up...

3.08
TITLES - Episode IV - A NEW HOPE

3.49
25TH ANNIVERSARY OF ELECTION OF JAMES CALLAGHAN
Invited dancers on to offer interpretative dance - please welcome THRUST - chose to concentrate on parliamentary achievements - corporation tax & capital gains tax -
6.32 DANCE
I appear to have given off some musk

8.22
FAXOMETER
John Morrice is in the gantry - drops fax - stunt cock runs in

9.50
CLOSING VOICEOVER

10.15
RODNEY BICKERSTAFFE

12.46
NEXT WEEKS SHOWS

13.20
BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN
This show is nothing if not bi-curious - put ad in papers - Jim, Darren, Ian - 17.44 QUIZ
20.08 vote -

21.05
WALTER KRESS
Was a friend of Peter Sellers - Cars are my life - First we sent you to
22.51 CHOICE FM BLACK MUSIC AWARDS - Chris Eubank, Richard Blackwood, Damage
- 25.02
then we sent you to Maxim Woman of the Year Awards
25.23 MAXIM WOMEN OF THE YEAR AWARDS - Lady Victoria Hervey, Jonathan Ross, Simon Fielder, Damage, Leslie Phillips, Katy Hill, Joanna Taylor, Tamsin Outhwaite - 28.10

DARREN WINS PLACE IN ESTHER RANTZEN’S DRESSING ROOM

ENDS - 29.12


SHOW 5 - Friday 6th April
0.00
UNDERSTUDIES

1.25
TITLES (ARNIE’S WORKOUT) - no title

1.53
CALLAGHAN DANCERS

5.48
DESK CORRESPONDENT - JOHN’S MUM

8.14
LEEDS WEATHERCAM

12.06
COSMOS TRANSMUTAZOID

16.21
WALTER KRESS
17.10 CHOICE FM BLACK MUSIC AWARDS VT
19.11 MAXIM WOMEN OF THE YEAR AWARDS VT

21.52
BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN

25.29
DESK CORRESPONDENT - RORY SHEEHAN
I’ve had a f***ing nightmare - its like juggling soot - everything from when I come in the morning to going home at night - things change - no positive things - thats the worst thing (working with John) - the writers need a kick up the arse - how can we improve the show - have a running order then stick to it- but thats your job - I include myself in this -

28.17 CLOSING TITLES

ENDS 28.50


SHOW 6 - Monday 9th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
Vouchers for asylum seekers - Noise from Jools next door - CLIP - I’ll introduce the people on the show - schoolgirls! Jamie on cam 1! The set! Autocue! Audience! The floor!

2.40
TITLES - Guitar tuition. All Styles. Tel: 020 8346 6074

3.17
GRAND NATIONAL
Had 40 jokes, only 4 made it through - Arab stable- news of the world reporters - blaming adverse weather, really THIS - YELLOW PAGES CLIP

4.25
WINCEY WILLIS IN LATER STUDIO
- Why dont we see any jungle on this show - what have you been up to?

7.00 - I did I Love-type show

7.25
RETURN OF KFOR COMMANDER
- Changes in local law, birds, charts, and Pronti
See that the general gets that

10.00
DESK CORRESPONDENT - KELLY GODFREY & AMY HARPER
Posh Spice has had barney - Who Shot Phil, everyone’s talking about it! - Hearsay -

14.12
FAXOMETER

15.49 CLOSING VOICEOVER

16.12
I LOVE LAST TUESDAY
- Kate Thornton, Tony Blackburn

18.15
JOANNA HANLEY’S GUEST APPEAL & TOMORROWS SHOW

19.58
WEATHERCAM - ROB MACDOUGALL in CARDIFF
23.23 reads Wincey Willis poem

25.03
WALK OVER TO LATER STUDIO
25.50 hi wincey - spooks - Black Crows - bridget jones diary - liam gallagher eyebrow - wincey poem - 28.00 walk back

ends 29.05


SHOW 7 - Tuesday 10th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE

1.00 NARROWCASTERS - 3 WOMEN OF ACHIEVEMENT - Louise Ellman MP, Clare Newton (British Female Inventor of the Year), Samantha Hubbard (Young Woman Engineer of the Year)

2.21 - TITLES - Extra ribbed for her comfort.

3.24
INTERNET BABIES
2 girls bought must return - original names Yahoo & Ask Jeeves - negative feedback on ebay - NARROWCAST check - children of courage crashed by judith kilshaw - HOME MADE GRAPHIC - shakespeare, Quake 3, baby

5.44
LEEDS UTD TRIAL - FOR LADIES

6.20
LENIN - GLORIA HUNNIFORD
6.54 VT -

9.18
FAXOMETER
Jon Morrice is here - 10.30 STEPHEN BAYLISS CLIP - STEPHEN BAYLISS Winner of Star For A Night 18.3.01 - reads out faxes - waves

13.31 CLOSING VOICEOVER - multiple choice phone in

14.28 ROWERS VT

16.03 TOMORROW’S SHOW

17.05 NARROWCASTERS - Pole goes up middle of woman

19.31
ANNA NOLAN
Missy track - you’re really into - Get Yer Freak On - record company biked it over when we said Anna - Vanessa - she went mad - didnt watch big brother - doing show called closure - 23.45 quiz - geoff doing questions -
STEPHEN BAYLISS PLAYOUT

ENDS 29.45


SHOW 8 - Wednesday 11th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
Chris Evans to wed - first time a teacher will say did your husband help you with this? - he knew how old she was when he bought her off the internet -

1.45
TITLES - Go f*** yourself, each and every one of you/Ars artem celerem

2.30
BRIXTON RIOTS
Molotov Latte - Woman CLIP - women roll their own hair - released entire rioting on dvd - only good pigs a dead one

3.45
EMINEM
waited for him to finish swearing on the bible - sentencing clip - disappointment from his lawyers bitch mutherf***a pussy & ho

4.48
FAXOMETER
he’s in the foyer - ive got a fax its a bit embarrassing - selling books - do you know why you’re not in the shop? - neil & jenny explanation (7.20 - 8.20) - walk over to shop - looking for Live Aid video - Malcolm, why dont you steal something -

11.33
DESK CORRESPONDENT - CONTAGIOUS BOY
Allergic to everything except lilt and mini cheddars -

15.02
CLOSING VOICEOVER - DIFFICULT MULTIPLE CHOICE PHONE IN

16.13
WHEN MONUMENTS SWEAR III- WHEN PRODUCTS YOU BUY GET SAUCY

17.35
TOMORROWS SHOW
MRS. CLARKE IN RECEPTION

19.58
SIMON NAPIER-BELL
Why are drugs so important? - music got faster & faster & faster on amphetamines - managers - 24.11 Mrs Clarke arrives - holds book - any experience of pop biz? - deal double meaning - would I watch this show tomorrow? - they tag you! For esther! - hugs contagious boy -

ends 30.14


SHOW 9 - Thursday 12th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE

1.00 TITLES - Charlotte Ch**ch
What’s missing?.....UR

1.31
COSMONAUT’S DAY
Yuri Gagarin - 2 structures from space (queue on Kennedy Lawn) - Tshirt Yuri went to space and all I got was this lousy dead chimpanzee - ballpoint pen, teflon & rockets into space - technical difficulties - radio gagarin gagaroo etc. leads to 3.22 -
WRITERS ROOM
- they hide

4.15
CHARLOTTE CHURCH AUTOBIOGRAPHY
only welsh person daily mail readers like -

5.15
SHANNEN DOHERTY
RORY GETS A CALL -

6.25 - Why do you highlight anniversaries? - what if shannen had never been born -

8.10
DESK CORRESPONDENT - SOUTHAN MORRIS & RANDOLPH
9.42 - Goes into royal canin -

11.05
FAXOMETER

13.47 CLOSING VOICEOVER - Multiple Choice Phone In - Wrong Number! ! !

14.57
THE TUNNEL CHANNEL

16.19 TOMORROW’S SHOW
17.07 PEOPLE ENJOYING VOICE OF AN ANGEL

18.10
** MARK RENDELL ON CHARLOTTE CHURCH BOOK
turns into a cattery

20.40
PERSIAN 30 AD

21.15
MR. PICNIC
- started more agressive than I thought - cant comment on picnic-related events - salad from hat - do’s & dont’s? - keep hands clean - picnic dating service - I like picnics, girlfriend doesnt
ends - 29.50


SHOW 10 - Friday 13th April
0.00
LADIES NIGHT OPENING

1.00
LADIES NIGHT TITLES - Extra ribbed for her comfort.

1.55
COSMONAUT’S DAY

3.00
INTERNET BABIES

3.57
DESK CORRESPONDENT - TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRLS

8.05
CHARLOTTE CHURCH VT

9.09
FAXOMETER WITH STEPHEN BAYLISS

13.20
DESK CORRESPONDENT - SOUTHAN MORRIS

15.37
WEATHERCAM - CARDIFF

19.03
MARK RENDELL ON CHARLOTTE CHURCH

20.27
MR. PICNIC

24.00
ANNA NOLAN - QUIZ

ENDS 29.13


SHOW 11 - Monday 16th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE - Easter Bank Holiday Monday
1.20 Newsnight Desk - look at graffitti - to 2.49

3.06
TITLES - We need a guest
Robbie Williams are you watching?

3.44
BANK HOLIDAY
things staff members have made - cross - Claire’s card - Easter Bonnet - Jon Morrice cross - dirty protest - shroud of paxman - wrong way round -

7.05
DESK CORRESPONDENT - SHELAGH MARTIN
Animal news -

9.58
FAXOMETER
12.43 - FAXOMETER AD

13.15 CLOSING VOICEOVER

13.34 BBC IS CLOSED VT

15.08 TOMORROWS SHOW

15.48
DAY THAT WOMEN CAN HIT MEN
VT & woman from audience

17.27
RANKIN FAMILY
Introduce themselves - Matt looks like Tom Cruise - please say respect the cock - Im Gayle & this is my most embarrassing moment - house in garden - its like a f***ed up kids channel -

21.46
JOANNA PLEA FOR ROBBIE WILLIAMS
Lists rejections - flowers fall - its the negative energy - 23.37 - Plea
24.50 - Call to RDA VIEWER LUCY MORRIS - who takes pregnancy test live on the air!
Joanna goes to toilet to take test

ends - 29.56


SHOW 12 - Tuesday 17th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
nothing went right yesterday - got hammered - dragged myself out of barrymore’s pool - Fergie Divorce: had 10000 men - JOANNA OUTSIDE LOOKING FOR BANDS - Nearsay

5.00
TITLES - Only another 28 of these bastards to go

5.44
CUBA CELEBRATIONS
50 years castro declared socialism - comedy monologue - 6.17: VT

7.43
EMINEM AD
8.39 Starts to write letter -

10.07
KRUSCHEV - HENRY KELLY - JAN HAMMER - BIRTHDAY
10.50 vt

12.14
DESK CORRESPONDENT - CUTE SOCIALIST RACHEL FAIRBURN
Labour ads - Lemsip boss wages - Liz Hurley -

15.10
FAXOMETER AT THE RANKINS HOUSE
Jon in girls room - posters - unfurl

19.49 CLOSING VOICEOVER -

20.35 DO THE BACKSCRATCHER VT

22.28 TOMORROWS SHOW

22.53
THE RANKINS

26.40
CUTE SOCIALIST RANT

RANKINS WASHING JON MORRICE

ENDS 29.40


SHOW 13 - Wednesday 18th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
I am Trevor Nelson’s Urban Choice - Well done - digital viewers in the audience

0.50 TITLES - David Letterman Now Starting on ITV2

1.30
COMPUTER CRIME SQUAD
Upheaval for Police - got up to Level 3 on supermario - peace up
ANNE ROBINSON - big up the ho’ - we say hang loose bitch you can run but not hide
sorry…
2.34 WRITERS ROOM
Black Gangstas - f*** you bitch -

4.00
FORMATION OF EUROPEAN STEEL & COAL COMMUNITY
- EBONY STEEL BAND - Makili: Chosen Model by Kraftwerk - thats steel - just got a sack of coal
5.19 - starts - type of coal

7.43
COSMOS TRANSMUTAZOID
I will destroy you - You look great - I will destroy you - Tiger Woods/Disney = Tigger Woods - Holland/Euthanasia - pop his clogs - red and briight whiite district - vodka drink spray/ f***ed that joke up - autocue in my visor switched to qvc - fashion designer - bubble wrap/men usually wear protection - mir/railtrack -

12.07 CLOSING VOICEOVER - DIFFICULT PHONE IN WINNER

12.54 - CIVIL RIGHTS AND ICE DANCING

14.07 TOMORROWS SHOW

14.26 EMAIL - FAX - HERE’S OUR TELEX

15.19
THE RANKINS
TV Licence - never had one - 5 qus on digital television - girls run out to pull OB link
** (18.50 - 19.38 = good!)

19.40
TRUDE MOSTUE
Dog collar - Howard my fiancee - dont want details, have nothing but contempt for Howard - good build? Easy on the eye? Mustve done well for yourself - 6ft 4? - he has a mind? - since Dec - papers? They like to write about my love life - programmed different boyfriends for diff. Series?
RANKINS - pet queries: 22.40 - Tina the Hamster - infected eye - take eye drops - ITV havent poached you yet! - those hamsters tend to bite me - 24.46 - Chandler the cat - walks like he’s gay - his hips move weirdly - sexuality problem or hip problem? - is gayness common complaint of animals in the wild? -
Testicle collection? - other vets collect stuff - ooh look at all these testicles! 28.52 STEEL BAND

ENDS 29.28


SHOW 14 - Thursday 19th April
0.00 OPENING MONOLOGUE
Nicole Kidman - enormous sham, sorry shame - CD collection good ones on top shelf

1.18 TITLES - This caption is sponsored by the MHP mailing list

1.50
MISS WORLD - 50TH ANNIVERSARY
David Vine & Miss Haiti VT - 2.09 - 2.58 - CLIPS 3.12 - 3.57 -

4.05
SPACE SHUTTLE ENDEAVOUR
if this is still in show, nothing bad happened - ISS funded by 16 countries - most diverse crew question is Who Will Betray the Mission First? Kent V. Rominger, Chris Hadfield, or renegade Cosmonaut - Lazy wisecracking Italian Will be first to die - To be continued…

5.30
DESK CORRESPONDENT - DANIELLA GONELLA
Lengthy intro - good shows - how have shows been this week? - reads & operates autocue - laughing with us or at us? - your job is a piece of piss? - scrolls - hold it there! - didnt like touting for guests on air - 8.56 now you John -

10.00
FAXOMETER
in Comic Relief offices - Yes/No/Don’t Know

11.45 CLOSING VOICEOVER - Tribute to Miss World

12.17 MISS WORLDS SINGING UNA PALOMA BLANCA

13.50 AUDIENCE PLEA/ NEXT WEEK’S SHOWS

14.32
THE RANKINS
3 women gagged - Father: chance to have a chat with you - jesus - something wrong with these images - first time gagged - favourite show: Fishing Clip - Paul Young - last bit of gaffer mrs. Rankin - compare & contrast tv money with real money - 17.00
ASSISTANT PRODUCER CLAIRE NOSWORTHY - getting married in May - Jonathan Spencer - comparative cake - its a cake chart - 18.40 costs of venue/waiters/crew - so are you saying Claires spending more on wedding than ob? Yes - doesnt that defeat object of item - you’ve wasted time - and a fair bit of money John - 20.30

20.30
HEAT 2 BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN
Put ad: are you or do you know Britain’s Gayest Man? - we dont know what that means - sweater? - adjectives to describe Ricky Martin? - last years winner got liquid news - contestants:
David, - im a screaming whoopsie - Jamie - Chris - 23.54 - QUIZ
gayness is a life choice & can go up as well as down - 26.20 - VOTE
26.59 RANKINS PRESENTED WITH TV LICENCE
27.50 Tom Cruise from Born on Fourth of July - You’ve been stars on channel for a week - walk until camera cable will stretch no further - pan round to Matt
ENDS - 30.01


SHOW 15 - Friday 20th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
from show 12 - nothing went right on the show yesterday - barrymore’s pool - Duke & Duchess of York

1.05 TITLES - David Letterman Now Starting on ITV2

1.50
SLAPPING VT
& Studio slap

3.29
THE RANKINS - QUIZ

7.02
WRITERS ROOM (Black gangstas)

8.47
TRUDE MOSTUE - BLIND DATE VT

10.49
FAXOMETER from the Rankins House

14.30
SPACE SHUTTLE - from 14

15.50
DESK CORRESPONDENT - DANIELLA

17.50
CASTRO - ADDRESS

19.27
COSMOS EXTRACT

22.05
TRUDE ANSWERS RANKINS PET QUERIES

23.41
MISS WORLD CLIP

24.52
RANKINS PULL OB LINK

25.27
CUTE SOCIALIST RANT

27.17
RANKINS GET TV LICENCE & WALK OFF INTO SUNSET

ENDS 29.54


SHOW 16 - Monday 23rd April (reversioned)
0.00
- QUEEN’S BIRTHDAY - shells, but where do they land? - TVC Explosion! - 0.57 - coming up Bonnie Langford

1.30 TITLES - Episode 9 - Louise Confronts Her Uncle
wrong music was played through - should I say intro

2.54 TITLES

3.30
ST. GEORGES DAY
What do we celebrate? - aud member - we feel awkard - brian glover? -

4.08
TURKISH HOTEL SIEGE
- demands incl room with sea view - storm despite do not disturb sign - only watched first 2 mins of Dirty Car Wash -

5.28
DESK CORRESPONDENT - JOHN’S MUM
Today v. special day for us English - noone flying Union Jack higher than myself - why is there no real guest on this show - 13th birthday party - where is the audience? - why you not cook for them? - not even properly dressed - 8.52 - We do have a proper guest! -

9.14
FAXOMETER
Trees - Watchdog - Scots & Irish up here - unfurl w/ flags - Paul Flood - is this a coded warning?

13.51
CLOSING VOICEOVER - LANDROVER PIX! ! ! - GOOD FOR COMP.

14.18
BUILD A BETTER BRITAIN - VT - BRILLIANT

16.17
BONNIE LANGFORD TEASE 16.33 - TOMORROW’S SHOW

17.28
RUNNER’S RUNNER/MARATHON
Bobbie, Pete & David - we went to registration, & each chose 3 runners to rep us - bonnie: No sense - Pete came 1st, Bobbie last - Pete gets Monday off -

20.35
EMAILS
- Katherine Ealey’s email - 23.06 john off -
29.13


SHOW 17 - Tuesday 24th April
0.00
Loch Ness Spottings - Intro YOUNG BLACK MEN NARROWCAST -Why are you there Matt Ralph??? - He’s late, hes on the tube - can you pass for black? - Brixton -

3.50
TITLES - A Southan Morris joint

4.30
FOOT & MOUTH TRANSMITTED TO HUMAN
- Get back to burning people - cant be transmitted sexually - NESSIE SIGHTING

5.30
SHUTTLE MISSION UPDATE
- when will robotic arm kill its human crew

7.40ish
JOKE FOR YOUNG BLACK MEN (MOTOROLA)
- check with Narrowcast - they rewrite the joke

10.39
DESK CORRESPONDENT: AMY & KELLY
- Chris Evans/Billie Piper - Posh Spice - Man Utd. Child Name - Big Brother II

15.08
CLOSING VOICEOVER
- How Can A Camera Crew Make Your Life Easier Plea

15.56
OLD PEOPLE AND WILD ANIMALS
cut to the music of Starsky & Hutch
17.08 TOMORROW’S SHOW

17.37
NARROWCAST CHECK
- Girls are funny - Dominic’s arrived! - I was ill - I’ve got a cough

18.43
STUDIO NESSIE SIGHTING

19.13
ANTONIO FARGAS
- Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch - doing Blues Brothers - take your glasses off!
- you did Howling 7! But you dont mention I’m Gonna Get You Sucker - We have Qus from the audience - 1. I was present, but I dont remember shit - 2. 6’1 built like brick shit house & easy - 3. Cabinet answer - 4. Lowestoft - Thanks for coming

24.02
NARROWCAST CLOSING
- Not for young people - whats your problem man! - tv was born when you was born - thats why your buying records not producing them! - put us on widescreen some more - not stuck in 70s - we take heed of every one of our narrowcasters -
27.50


SHOW 18 - Wednesday 25th April (reversioned)
0.00 OPENING MONOLOGUE
Deaf signer for the audience - Eminem posed nude - real slim shady wouldnt stand up - noise awareness day - broadcasting show at half volume -

2.50 TITLES - Shhhhh

3.32 FUEL PROTESTS
Farmers - already costs a fiver to douse carcass in unleaded - lift vat on razzle-

4.34 ROBERT DOWNEY JNR. TRIAL
- In hotel with 5lbs 6oz - callista flockhart - won grammy - took grammies -

5.23
INTERNATIONAL SECRETARIES DAY - Man with huge tits

5.55 EXPLAIN NAME OF THE CHANNEL -

6.57
MELISSA JAMES INTRO
We dont know what to do with you... do you like Ally McBeal? I dont its just people bursting into song -

8.33
ELLA FITZGERALD’S BIRTHDAY
MELISSA JAMES BURSTS INTO SONG (+4 players)

9.29
JEM WHIPPEY ON NOISE AWARENESS DAY

10.50
SADDAM HUSSEIN/WORLD OF COMFORT - 11.09 VT

12.20
NOISE AWARENESS
Wanted Darren Johnston to talk about it - he pulled out, so we went to their meeting -
13.32 JON MORRICE VT - Nigel Rodgers, Darren Johnston, - 16.08

16.17 CLOSING VOICEOVER - HOSEPIPE RIOTS

16.50 NOISY SILENT VT

17.52 TOMORROWS SHOW

19.23
PHIL NICHOL (Bears Beware)
Hows punch? - Im pissed off - not on often, but got me because of noise awareness - have to beware when walking - whistle in daily star - 22.30 Bears beware tape - listen to tape - bear calls - deaf signer interprets calls - Phil walks off in a huff - this is bullshit - deaf signer

27.34 MELISSA JAMES (& bear)
ends 29.55


SHOW 19 - Thursday 26th April (THIS IS VERSION 2 NOT 3!)
0.00 OPENING MONOLOGUE
- Huge programme - Intl take Daughters To Work Day - Celebrating Cockermouth - disgraced president of Philippines Joseph Estrada

1.46 TITLES - Bring your daughter to the slaughter

2.24
SID JAMES DEATHAVERSARY
We’ll be presenting things he would have laughed at if he were still with us -

2.56 ESTRADA ARRIVAL UPDATE
arrives in tv centre - lists trouble he’s in

3.34
NATIONAL TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY
Alan’s brought Lucy - a lot of pointing? Shouting? - Elise on camera - did you dress the camera?
You’ll be operating camera 2 - zoom in on me - sue pelhate has Tiffany - press some buttons - ah there’s my daughter
Leshan
2 twin daughters - Kerry & Jo - they both have your breasts

7.40 VT OF OTHER SHOWS - MICHAEL FISH, JEREMY BOWEN, ROB BONNET, DAVID BRAINE, CHRISTOPHER PRICE, MICHAEL FISH ENDING - 9.00

9.09
DESK CORRESPONDENT - ED DYSON
I’m doing this so my accountants can write off stuff like clothes against tax - you hate sketches, but its all contrived, its not like nature brings us to watch man on desk - rory hate him - I think you should say hello in the morning, but who f***ing cares - cut this bit out of the show - swear box

12.44 LESHAN - could we get her something to draw -

13.20 CLOSING VOICEOVER -

13.47
OTHER THINGS SID JAMES MIGHT HAVE LAUGHED AT IF HE HAD STILL BEEN ALIVE WHEN THEY HAD HAPPENED

15.27 LESHAN WRITING BOARD

15.57
JOSEPH ESTRADA
he gets shot

16.57
COCKERMOUTH VT 18.03 - DAVID BERTRAM - You have a lovely tie - declaration - can we try that with a different filter? - marvejols man - jenny’s b’day - 6th former - Rosemary Terry - RN Chicken - Geoff Hundter from Cockermouth Mechanicals Band - Rod Moore - can we show you our big toy? - Dominic Jouve Marvejols Council -
ENDS 28.22


SHOW 20 - Friday 27th April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
QUEENS BIRTHDAY from show 16

1.30
TITLES- Episode 9 - Louise Confronts Her Uncle

2.08
FUEL PROTESTS

2.48
DESK CORRESPONDENT - JOHN’S MUM

4.06
ROBERT DOWNEY JNR.

4.50
TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY
8.05 - VT

9.30
CRAZY SADDAM

11.02
DESK CORRESPONDENTS - KELLY GODFREY & AMY HARPER

14.10
JON MORRICE AT NOISE AWARENESS MEETING

16.43
PHIL NICHOL - BEARS BEWARE

21.30
ANTONIO FARGAS
- questions about the 70s
& BLACK MEN NARROWCAST

25.05
EMAIL & WALK OUT

ENDS 29.00


SHOW 21 - Monday 30th April (REVERSIONED)
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
Rancid chicken - Johnny Vaughan show -

2.23
TITLES - My other show’s on terrestrial

3.10
CENSUS
TC2 form - how many cameras? - how much johnny vaughan

4.10
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THIS SHOW WILL BE BETTER THAN JOHNNY VAUGHAN’S

5.35
BRITNEY SPEARS
- leads into SCHOOLGIRLS WRITERS ROOM

7.25
SPACE TOURIST DENNIS TITO
- hoping to postpone his visit until gift shop is ready
7.57 - HOLIDAY VT

9.53
DESK CORRESPONDENT - LIONEL BLAIR
Anti Globalisation Movement - When I started the May Day Riots 2 days ago… -

11.45
CLOSING VOICEOVER - Congrats to Johnny Vaughan

12.25
** DANCE ROUTINES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS

14.09 TOMORROWS SHOW

14.54 CHAT WITH SAM FARMER ABOUT THE MAYDAY RIOTS

16.40 RIOTS TOMORROW - Threatening water cannon AND shampoo

16.58
SURESH THE NEWSAGENT
18.00 - Me & Lionel went to your shop - VT
18.39 LIONEL BLAIR comes out
who buys stuff from you? - Richard Wilson, Terry Wogan, Anne Robinson, Jennie Bond
22.58 QUIZ
26.40 Lionel dances on desk - explain 2001 ending

ENDS 29.40


SHOW 22 - Tuesday 1st May
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
May Day riots - Glasgow £400 of improvements -

1.08 TITLES - Warning: Contents Under Pressure

1.50
MAY DAY
Disaster, no violence - Mc Donalds angry meal - 2.38 Jon Morrice reporting on the violence
watching News 24
4.15 EXCLUSIVE PICTURES - Flick book

5.04
JOHNNY VAUGHAN’S THOUGHT OF THE DAY

5.45
SPACE TOURIST UPDATE
6.15 - VT - (liam voice) -

7.05
EMAIL FROM MATT OVERTON -
ever thought of teaming up rda dog with Dom Joly dog - dont move much
dont find that funny - she represents my dog that died - its hard
8.03 GHOST VT

9.30
DESK CORRESPONDENT - CUTE SOCIALIST - CHRISTINA ROE

12.15 CLOSING VOICEOVER - if you’ve chosen which cosmonaut to vote out…

12.57 WHEN TUBE STATIONS SWEAR

14.27 TOMORROWS SHOW

15.15
** WEATHERCAM CHALLENGE
Cardiff - Rob McDougall; Newcastle - Barry Pearce; Norwich - Paul Kent; Plymouth - Andy Smith X;

24.10
PAUL TONKINSSON
Big Breakfast - you got pushed - wanted me to work for 4 weeks while they looked for a replacement - its not show friends, its show business - still doing standup? - cosmopolitan magazine centrefold - got attacked by a dog doing it -

28.50 CHECK IN WITH JON MORRICE

ends 29.49


SHOW 23 - Wednesday 2nd May
0.00 OPENING MONOLOGUE
did we find the squirrel? - every show should have a squirrel - geological society awards - smart money on graphite - grey ribbons= tribute to soil erosion - its also International Phone In Sick Day - Rory has actually phoned in sick - he is actually sick - missed the point of the day - we have a healer - and Lindsay Dracass

2.40 TITLES - Get well soon Rory

3.18
MAY DAY DEMOS AFTERMATH
not easy getting footage - really touchy about repeat fees - groups involved… plus glaziers -

4.10
DOLPHIN INTELLIGENCE
Checking out reflections - list of beings reads dolphins, monkeys &

5.42 AFGHANISTAN TALKS
Heres the UK entry to eurovision song contest
6.35 NO DREAM IMPOSSIBLE

9.50 CLOSING VOICEOVER - phoned in sick

10.35 MAY DAY RIOTS PIX WRAP - CUT TO DOWNTOWN

11.35 TOMORROW’S SHOW

12.15
WORLD PHONE IN SICK DAY
Here’s KELLY KIERMAN - REIKKI EXPERT/HEALER - what is Reikki? Energy

17.55
we seem to have broken into some kind of discussion group - do we have the will to carry on?
Brings CHARLIE on - howls to music

22.50
COSMOS TRANSMUTAZOID

ends 29.32


SHOW 24 - Thursday May 3rd April
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
Nobody has resigned yet - on fallout of phone in sick day, an incident happened as a result - stats from CBI, worst offenders were Birmingham CIty council… and Martine Macutcheon - Pubs will open around the clock - good news for farmers - surplus pork scratchings

2.25
TITLES - Public Performance or Broadcasting Prohibited

3.00
NATIONAL BRING YOUR GAY FRIEND TO WORK DAY
- Neil has brought his gay friend Jay - My gay firiend ‘Ercule - RAF had flypast - Man Utd. Psyio - AA carried on as usual -
5.00 - VT - Michael FIsh - Christopher Price - Jeremy Bowen

6.11
GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY AWARDS
Jon Morrice went there - short acceptance speeches - 6.59 VT - 8.08
- best ever, some moved tables emulating techtonic drift (8.19-8.31)

8.34
RONNIE BIGGS
- only condition on return that phil collins be deported - had 3 strokes - 3 strokes and you’re out

9.23
DESK CORRESPONDENT - MARTIN DANCE
(9.36 - 10.41)
We all saw what happened - it was so dramatic - bit bonkers, a bit scary, - I was laughing at you - grateful for any laugh I can get - this is some of martins finest work - if oscar wilde were making short films - I filmed this on North Road -

12.55 CLOSING VOICEOVER - if you’d llike to resign as a viewer

13.20 NEXT WEEKS SHOWS
(13.41 - 14.08)

14.10
BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN
Put ad in paper - Dennis - Ray - Shaun - 18.20 QUIZ - 20.40 VOTING

22.56
BRENDAN BURNS
Last night was interesting - its like watching a car accident with clowns in it - I have enjoyed the show - Tom Cruise: no problem with gays, but if you suggest ill sue you for 100 mllion - hes secure - he could say Yes I love cock - career - offending people - Gay Mardi Gras or Mllion Man March - easier to just agree -

ENDS - 29.50


SHOW 25
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
- phoning in sick stats - Martine McCutcheon - pubs round the clock - scratchings - foot & mouth battle won: played football & came out of hiding from an attack - coming up Britain’s gayest Man

2.09
TITLES - Warning: Contents Under Pressure

2.45
MAYDAY RIOTS
3.38 - Jon Morrice reporting on riots (by watching tv)
4.54 - Footage of riots: flick book -

5.34
SPACE TOURIST
6.11 Holiday VT

8.08
LIONEL BLAIR DESK CORRESPONDENT

9.58
PRODUCTION MORRICE AT THE GEOLOGICAL AWARDS

10.57
DANCE ROUTINES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS

12.39
DESK CORRESPONDENT - MARTIN DANCE

14.44
BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN

18.00
WEATHERCAM CHALLENGE (with Paul Tonkinsson)

23.49
SURESH THE NEWSAGENT

25.20
BRENDAN BURNS

27.29
LIONEL BLAIR PLAYOUT - 2001!

ENDS - 29.42


SHOW 26 - Monday 7th May
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
Richard & Judy to move to Channel 4 - News means that DSS have to move restart interviews - we have fine fine show - Slovenia - Pole Dancer Summer & Mr. Picnic

1.46
TITLES - Lep pozdrav iz Londona

2.16
RONNIE BIGGS
Latest is anything he says may be used in a Guy RItchie film - Trackside signal - couldn’t happen now drivers don’t stop at signals - met in chat room - if he ends up in prison, he’ll end up receiving contents of mail sacks - he’ll end up in Channel 5

3.50
JOHNNY VAUGHAN’S THOUGHT OF THE DAY

4.12
DESK CORRESPONDENT - TABLE DANCER, SUMMER
Found you round the corner- most you’ve earned in a night - whats caught your eye - Jersey Gorilla - does sex go thru your mind - I have a boyfriend - Carol Vorderman Quiz Show - moved from hotel management into dancing -

11.03 CLOSING VOICEOVER - PRODUCT RECALL

11.39
CONDOM INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO

12.56 TOMORROWS SHOW

13.42
SLOVENIA
Thought we’d hook up - VT
14.33 link up with MojcA MAVEC and Jon Morrice - I prefer to be a spokes girl - intro Boris - Slovenian entry -

19.14
MR. PICNIC
I will construct 2 picnics - Questions - hate barbecues - anything in the news? -

25.50
* STEPHEN BAYLISS - SINGS SLOVENIAS EUROVISION ENTRY

Ends 29.00


SHOW 27 - Tuesday 8th May
0.00
Oh I cant say start again! - cats - wormings - Bonnie Langford

1.12 - TITLES - Ne Kopay Se V Nogavicah

1.50
BLAIR ANNOUNCE ELECTION
- sorry walkover - MPs returning to campaign & find where they are - voter apathy: slots in ballot boxes will heal - Heart says Labour, Wallet Tory, Hair Lib Dem

2.50
KEN LIVINGSTONE
He’s done nothing - HANG ON - Row with Alan - Oi Gordillo! Ive made this tapestry! - Geoff: Lets calm down & remember where we are -

7.15
BILLIE & CHRIS
Wedding - married in america - not allowed celbratory drink - made love sober - Not enough time to buy new songs

7.47
BORIS CHERNE
Tells jokes in Slovene & Explains them - billie & chris - sniff this - your writers
Premier Blair, education, education, education - Juggles

12.35
VOICEOVER - we didnt show runners runner because it wasn’t funny

13.08
CENSUS REMINDER

14.00 - Tomorrows Show

14.35
BONNIE
we’re glad to have her back - intro - are u better? - 15.36 song starts - teas - 21.10 cheers

21.28
SLOVENIA
21,56 there they are! - 22.44 who are they exactly srchcov, alesh & tomash -
23.28 who are these exactly, are they crew members? - Im Straight! - I had sex with robert
I think John we should just play - 28.52

BONNIE CLOSING
GETS CUT OFF


SHOW 28 - Wednesday 9th May
0.00
First day of Cannes - Tom & Nicole - Charlotte Hudson does tarot - Hugh Mortimer

1.20 TITLES - We’re Being Watched

1.55ish
ELECTION
first day - what does he have to do to lose it? - leaked document - things not to do
- is that a step too far? - Charlotte?

3.00
CHARLOTTE HUDSON
Watchdog bit - statutory rights? -

3.30
GARDENING
70 yrs since first BBC Broadcast - celebrate by showing 70 yrs worth in last 6 months

3.58
GARDEN OF TOMORROW VT
we ended up with this
DIMMOCK VT

4.55
WILLIAM HILL BOOKMAKER, SERENA MOMBERG
- eurovision odds? - take 20 quid - slip? - william hill still alive?

8.55
CLOSING VOICEOVER - ABSEILING
Israel won and she had a willy -

9.18
TOMORROWS SHOW

9.46
SLOVENIA - UK Ambassador to Slovenia
hello london! - and with you is Hugh Mortimer, British Ambassador to Slovenia! - 200 million people will be watching you on Saturday - bread awards - Amb: I like all sorts of bread - prize winning bread! -
13.50 - Eurovision Quiz - here’s Frasier lookalike Boris - we’re going to split into teams - Question Mistress Charlotte Hudson (15.10) theres a timer on this -

19.02
CHARLOTTE HUDSON
19.19 VT - 20.00 - like a scene from killing of sister george there - anne robinson - fun job to do? - 21.08 I believe you’re going to do my tarot cards - how come you do tarot? - lived with a goth in paris - doing it since ’94 - cards - fool, hanged man,
26.59 - charlotte breaks into musical

29.00


SHOW 29 - Thursday 10th May
0.00
whats the point of the smoke?! - we’ll see if this works - Lord Archer put hand on bible & said I wrote that - we have Katrina from Katrina & The Waves -

TITLES - GAG OF THE DAY

Vote 2001 dancers -

4.20
Global reaction - 5.10

5.10
CONSERVATIVE BILLBOARDS
police, teachers - where are the jokes - where is johnny vaughan -
Need 25 seconds of Labour dancers -
- 7.20

9.38
SPACE TOURIST TITO

10.52
NEWSNIGHT OILS
- 11.49

NEXT WEEK’S SHOWS

14.08
BORIS INTRO

15.05
MOYZA
I will destroy you! - would you do something when you do the results? -

18.57
MOYZA & COSMOS
chat - vt - song - 22.33

22.50
KATRINA FROM KATRINA & THE WAVES

Walking on sunshine + dances

30.00


SHOW 30 - Friday 11th May
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
Cannes - Tom Cruise -

1.18
TITLES - Gag of the Day

1.57
VOTE 2001
Here are the VOTE 2001 DANCERS (x6)

3.44
CONSERVATIVE POSTER GAGS & MAKING UP OTHER PARTIES TIME

5.43
RONNIE BIGGS

7.06
70 YEARS OF BBC GARDENING PROGRAMMES
GARDENS OF TOMORROW VT

8.29
CLOSING VOICEOVER - NEWSNIGHT AROMATHERAPY OILS

9.27
SLOVENIA - MOYZA & THE BRITISH AMBASSADOR HUGH MORTIMER
10.58 QUIZ

14.46
MR. PICNIC

16.57
CHARLOTTE HUDSON

20.50
COSMOS & MOYZA IN SLOVENIA
ENDS WITH VT

23.32
KATRINA FROM KATRINA & THE WAVES

23.38
KATRINA PERFORMS WALKING ON SUNSHINE

29.40


SHOW 31 - Monday 14th May
0.00
Cocks wont suck themselves - dont get terrestrial - louis theroux weird weekeds/barrymore
TECHNOCRANE NIGHT - what is a technocrane? - racking around me - flat pack? -
on tonights show - paul & debbie - sally gray

3.39
TITLES - Digitally Remastered From The Original Tapes

4.25
BAFTAS
Graham Norton - best homosexual - Jamie Oliver ignore wife clip - Leonard Nimmoy - Buzz Aldrin - I thought I was up for an award - Clip - 7.43

7.43
VOTE 2001
Election Merchandise of the day
Peter Sissons - BBC Hope it’ll be the most profitable election of the television age - Peter Sissons reading collected letters from Hustler - True stories of depravity - Cock in peter’s mouth -
(- 9.20)
fiona bruce? - we’ve got fiona bruce - not sure if it worked - sally gray- I’ve worked with Peter Prod. Sec. - they’ll take anyone

10.13
DESK CORRESPONDENT - SALLY GRAY
Im sure many are revising - here with revision plan is sally gray - RANT - why would someone want to do this! -

12.57
CLOSING VOICEOVER - polling stations good place to meet singles

13.33 TECHNOCRANE SHOT MONTAGE

14.50 TOMORROW’S SHOW

15.58
INTERVIEW WITH THE TECHNOCRANE
drugs - camcorder baby - porn - sketch comedy -

17.45
PAUL DANIELS & DEBBIE MAGEE
Louis Theroux - paid a fortune (19.34) - how did you find out you lost the show - 20.55 You 2 are like the Paul Newman & Woodward... - immediately theres a period of lust, - how do you know whats in my head you evil genius - give & give, never expect anything - im taken 4 nights a week - 4 nights isnt enough for you debbie- are you constantly looking for sex? - my mum might be watching this - stop trying too hard - I heard you had 300 women in your life - women discovered the pill - discovered the paul - I let them - lets do the trick (24.00 ish) blades - 26.38 - spinning? - 28.30 you’re throwing them at me paul -
29.08 Credits - Technocranes
- 29.35


SHOW 32 - Tuesday 15th May
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE – We have Richard Whitely & Jo Guest
RICHARD & JO SIGNING VT

1.12 TITLES – Decommended, A Yellow Rail Can? (10, 5, 9)

1.53
VOTE 2001
Trying to be fair, so we just put all our political jokes in one
SIMULTANEOUS JOKES VT QUAD SPLIT 2.17 – 3.12

3.12
ELECTION MERCHANDISE OF THE DAY
- Icescrapers – The Faces of BBC News 24 24 Hour Clock Face – Anne Robinson Shoe Dubbin

6.20
DESK CORRESPONDENT – JO GUEST
Jo Guest on Italian Elections – so can also see my breasts
- I’m a presenter, cooking in the nude – I’m single

9.15 – CLOSING VOICEOVER – Last week of RDA – Parachute man
9.55 VT – MAURITIAN GRASS SKIRT DANCING AND BRICKLAYING

10.32
THIS SHOW COMING FROM ROYAL ALBERT HALL – TOMORROW’S SHOW

11.57
RICHARD WHITELY
I’m not a gay icon! Is that your first question?! – You plug book, havent come for that –Paul Daniels has - No sex in book – Anne Robinson? (13.50 – 14.40) – Richard & Judy? You could marry Carol & go to ITV – You’re sartorial, can we swap jackets? – Do you want to put a tie round your head?

17.17
INTERNATIONAL WEATHERCAM CHALLENGE
Welcome 4 locations – Leeds, Nottingham, Birmingham, New York – Someone working? – First Date – A Pair Of Something – How you’re feeling right now – Sum up your city – Expressive Camerawork to Buck’s Fizz’s The Camera Never Lies – TieBreaker: Something that needs cleaning up? Leeds win! ! !

ENDS 29.31


SHOW 33 - Wednesday 16th May
0.00
JIMMY SAVILLE OPENING

0.15 TITLES - Public Performance & Broadcasting Prohibited (again!)

0.50 JOHN MONOLOGUE
- Bafta winning Britain at War in Colour - Running thru Weakest Link Studio shouting bank - Real Ira recognised as terrorist threat - dont recognise bush as president - fund raising/marmalade
We have jimmy saville & brendan burns -

2.33
VOTE 2001
Britney backs labour - goodwill message - margaret beckett calendar - discussed world recession with s club 7s tina - torys repeatedly screwed - not the only celeb to back leader
GERI CLIP
GALLAGHER CLIP
MALE NUNS CLIP

4.35
VOTE 2001 - MANIFESTO ROUNDUP
Lib Dem Manifesto as glossy magazine - Labour Bodice Ripper - Big Book of Tory Teasers - grfx - 6.35

6.40 HEARTSTRING HEADLINES

7.33
BRENDAN BURNS
Geri - if I want an opinion I’ll stare at her tits - love her to come dont want to hear her complain - Michael Stipe is Gay, Blairs posh, Hague a bit bald - George Michael you are gay if you couldnt see it - outrage stupid - sucks cock - stuff girlfriend does to me counts as homosexual - does finger count?

10.11 CLOSING VOICEOVER - CAN WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE AT ROYAL ALBERT HALL?
10.37 HEARTSTRING HEADLINES

12.11 NEXT WEEK’S SHOW - ROYAL ALBERT HALL PLEA

12.59
EUROVISION RECAP
All week we were running a link up with slovenia - I dont know if you saw the show last Thursday - CLIP - then this happened - EUROVISION CLIP - couldnt had a more subtle signal 14.25 They’ll be in tomorrow

15.01
JIMMY SAVILLE
Never voted for anyone – didn’t help me when skint or with money – 11 New Years Eves with Thatcher – Sexual woman? 2 kids gave chocolates - cigars - good for you – I’ll sit over here – why are you here? – new kid on the block, nobody helped me – will what you’re doing give u 10 year shelf life – started in ’58 jesus, you called? – you seem unaligned – mining accident – started dance hall – youre like a human Hallmark Card – Fix It Clip- BRENDAN – tell u why it lasted – 12 a year – puts down Brendan -
28.30


SHOW 34 - Thursday 17th May
0.00 OPENING MONOLOGUE
John Prescott – eggs/cholesterol - do not talk about fight club – rules, coming up - moyza

2.07 TITLES – Display Copy Only

3.00
VOTE 2001
Lets not forget the campaigns – prescott punch – prescott punch – when bison attack – tories good position to win – gallagher laugh – jfk talk through – we’re through the looking glass – eggs are eggs

JOHN GETS EGGED

5.53
WORLD REACTION TO PRESCOTT -

CLOSE VOTE 2001

6.54
10TH ANNIVERSARY OF ILFORD EXCHANGE SHOPPING CENTRE

14.14 CLOSING VOICEOVER – Rollercoaster cubs

14.36
NATIONAL JOB SWAP DAY
Cosmos & Mr. Picnic – VT – 19.30 – Mr. Picnic does stand up -

22.40
MOYZA MAVEC & SLOVENIAN AMBASSADOR
Quiz with PAUL ROSS – on Slovenia -

28.56


SHOW 35 - Friday 18th May
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE – John Prescott (34)

1.22
TITLES – Digitally Remastered from the Original Tapes

2.00
BAFTA

3.57
PRESCOTT PUNCHES

4.58
BRENDAN BURNS

6.28
PRESCOTT EGGING – THEORIES – JFK
& JOHN EGGING

8.00
PAUL ROSS – SHEEP & DOG FIGHT EMAIL

10.00
ELECTION MANIFESTO ROUNDUP

11.50
CLOSING VOICEOVER – ROYAL ALBERT HALL – LION
HEARTSTRING HEADLINES

13.42
RICHARD WHITELEY

15.17
PAUL DANIELS & DEBBIE MAGEE TRICK

18.00
JIMMY SAVILLE & BRENDAN BURNS

20.05
RICHARD WHITELEY & JO GUEST VT

20.45
INTERNATIONAL WEATHERCAM CHALLENGE

22.27
MR. PICNIC & COSMOS JOB SWAP

24.30
MOYZA & MARJAN
Ends - 29.13


SHOW 36 - ROYAL ALBERT HALL SPECIAL - Monday 21st May
0.00 INTRO - STEVE JONES voiceover - arrivals - roger daltrey, eurbank, etc. schoolgirls, picnic,
welcome John Gordillo! - PETER PURVES COMES OUT - wages are sellotaped to seats - coming from The Royal Albert Hall - Wagner here - first sumo - brits - 1.58 (they happened right here/) - 3.25 (and if this isn’t a place) - hitler’s other testicle - joining us - ambassador

4.10 TITLES - Not Actual Size

5.32 VOTE 2001
GERI HALLIWELL WONT VOTE
Electoral Register - regional development - lost so much weight, she doesn’t even register as a whole person -

6.12 ELECTION PHOTO OF THE DAY
Can we have an unneccessary zoom Ben? - Portillo - cast shadow of kkk member
6.39 - close vote 2001

6.55
MISS WORLD
Railtrack rail services back to Pre-Hatfield levels - Miss Honolulu!
Its now time to welcome... - MARTIN FRY! - What are you doing here?! - speak to my manager - 9.07

9.17
DESK CORRESPONDENTS: TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRLS!
- You turned 16! - been in pub? Can you drink? - 10.11 (yeah I am) to 10.17 Does the age diff. cause a barrier? - (10.31 Alright now I believe you’ve been looking thru the papers) Looking through papers - Prescott - politician in public eye shouldn’t act like a maniac - pretty entertaining though - id probably hit them - chris evans - what a state what a tramp - wedding day go all out - probably wont last - baby have that to look forward to! - billie a bit crap - please thank kelly & amy!

13.32 CLOSING VOICEOVER with MR. PICNIC! - Thought it was a joke like pretending to be in slovenia

14.15 - ROYAL ALBERT HALL VT
enjoying show ambassador?! - TOMORROW’S SHOW

17.31
VIEWERS LETTERS - letter into

18.20
(LIONEL) BLAIR’S MESSAGE TO THE NATION
20.58 enjoying it? - I was here with liza minelli! - 21.53 intro into...

22.38
KENNY SMILES (PHIL NICHOL) - 25.50 not quite the ending we were told - im sorry martin?

26.56
MARTIN FRY - SHOOT THAT POISONED ARROW
ENDS 29.14


SHOW 37 - Tuesday 22nd May
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
National Bring your dangerous animal to work day - I’ve brought Kate in - Monkey on head - lets hope for more of the Monkey see rather than the monkey do - im a bit nervous, im meeting her parents tomorrow - my neck feels warm - I am being pissed on aren’t I - now why do I feel something solid - we’ve got adam shaw - paul foot - and phil nichol

2.47
TITLES - (FINANCIAL DISCLAIMER)

3.30
* NATIONAL BRING YOUR DANGEROUS ANIMAL TO WORK DAY
Ian you have a snake - bring it up - it can smell the monkey piss -
Daniella, you have a Lion Cub

5.33
ELECTION PICTURE OF THE DAY

6.05
* DESK CORRESPONDENT - ADAM SHAW
Monica Lewinsky vacuum cleaner, Penguins in Polo Necks - Cars made out of cannabis - you know I really wanted to show you big pants - could you give us a genuine business story? -
Detailed response: how can you get monkey shit off a lapel?

9.10 CLOSING VOICEOVER -

9.33 B-ROAD OF THE DAY

10.38 TOMORROWS SHOW (WITH MONKEY ON HEAD)

11.13
PAUL FOOT
And JANE BOOKER
Im a standup comedian, but I’m branching out, into beefeater-related entertainment - I have professional actress involved - I only have 4 minutes - would you help John? -

21.55
PHIL NICHOL - S&M EXPERT
Sits on john’s head - beats john

Ends 28.44


SHOW 38 - Wednesday 23rd May
0.00
INTRO TO BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN CONTESTANTS

1.00
JOHN MONOLOGUE - second to last show - developing new show - when cilla attacks - have a good time, we’ve already spent your money - on tonight’s show...

2.17
TITLES - Not To Be Used In Conjunction With Painkillers

3.00
VOTE 2001
JORDAN TO STAND FOR ELECTION - skeptisism - refused to euro policy/high taxation - spoiled papers - disproportional representation - martin bell to stand against her really close

4.19
ELECTION PHOTO OF THE DAY - TORIES
Pointless zoom - goodies - thatcher at front, penis in the back

4.57
DESK CORRESPONDENT - 9 YEAR OLD SCOTT COWAN
Newspapers? Bbc bombing - election? I dont know - just like all of us - tony blair as PM? I think hed be alright - well lets hope he gets in - lets go out and get drunk like men - agh! Agh! Agh! - girls? - phone: child abuse - how old am I? Take a guess - 42 - pokemon? Digimon better because they’re digital - end on a joke?

9.11
CLOSING VOICEOVER - space pizza
9.47 - NEWS PICTURES CUT TO BILLY JOEL

11.46
TOMORROWS SHOW
GUY FROM LEEDS

13.07
BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN
intro contestants - 14.30 esther clip to 14.57 - 15.30 intro contestants - bbc doctor, John’s Mum, & sonia - 18.48 sonia/Johns Mum Rant to 19.47 - Questions to 24.06 - Intro GARETH DAVIES SONG to 27.44 - results WINNER at 28.23 to end

END AT 29.49


SHOW 39 - Thursday 24th May
0.00
We’ve got mind bending maniac Uri Geller - faxometer -

0.48 TITLES - He who saves one life Saves The World Entire

1.41 VOTE 2001
1.51 JORDAN
Beloved supermodel standing - real name charles kennedy - tough on crime, but soft on your skin - owning a semi in manchester area - when asked hat in ring - a skills round? Im f***ed! - leak - skills round im f***ed
3.00 - JORDANS MANIFESTO
education education chips - 22000 footballers - voting like richar & judy -ban all surnames - its time for some common sense in wales - more cutting red tape

3.41
ELECTION PICTURE OF THE DAY
Unneccessarily elaborate camera move - camera crashes into set - no claims discount - no city back here?! - camera here - 5.59
teenagers supporting Blair - prince william sent message - leave my bitches alone

6.42
MEN OF NEWS CALENDAR - 8.57

8.57
DESK CORRESPONDENT - JOHN GORDILLO
FREAK OUT! - with THRUST! -

11.00 CLOSING VOICEOVER - last one -

11.20
WHATS COMING UP next week
11.39 MORTAR - aunties warzone bloomers
12.25 LATE NIGHT RIOT TRAINING

14.03
URI GELLER
David Dimbleby - thats what made me famous worldwide/ 14.39 - cds cards - 15.07 Thats david dimbleby! Donny osmond oh its you - couldve been a porno actor - I was male model before I bent spoons, once I had to model with underwear - card - this looks like porn - telepathy - 17.45 drawing - 20.30 This is how I do my tricks - plastic spoon - 21.09 - wedding: Michael Jackson was your best man - whats he like up close - spoons is like your handshake - 22.54 could you use powers to help the show -

24.03
CLOSING - INTO SCHINDLERS LIST ENDING

OUT AT - 28.15


SHOW 40 - Friday 25th May
0.00
OPENING MONOLOGUE
FROM SHOW 36 - Royal Albert Hall
- hitlers other testicle -

1.53 TITLES - Images not actual size

3.14
VOTE 2001
JORDAN STANDING FOR PARLIAMENT

4.28
NATIONAL BRING YOUR DANGEROUS ANIMAL TO WORK DAY
Kate on John’s head -

5.30
MISS HONOLULU

7.17
TECHNOCRANE CRASH

8.56
TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRLS AT ROYAL ALBERT HALL

11.05
MEN OF NEWS CALENDAR

12.56
BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN FINAL
=== PATCH IN RDA BUG at start ===
14.40 - QUIZ

18.23
WHATS COMING UP IN THE SCHEDULES
Aunties Warzone Blunders - Late NIght Riot Training, The Musical -

20.58
END OF BRITAIN’S GAYEST MAN

22.26
PAUL FOOT’S DRAMA WORKSHOP

24.33
URI GELLAR
How could you forget a telepathy expt - im so excited - that’s a lie - show me the drawing -

27.57
MARTIN FRY

ENDS 30.00



PERFORMERS

John
Nick Clarke

1
Jeillo Edwards (JOHNS MUM)
Christopher Price (Scarborough VT)

2
Angellica Bell
Vanessa Feltz

3
Paul Coia
Adam Bloom
Phil Whelans (Cosmos)

4
Chris Eubank
Richard Blackwood
Damage
Lady Victoria Hervey
Jonathan Ross
Simon Fielder
Leslie Phillips
Katy Hill
Joanna Taylor (Hollyoaks)
Tamsin Outhwaite

6
Wincey Willis
Kate Thornton
Tony Blackburn

7
Anna Nolan (from Big Brother)
Stephen Bayliss

8
Simon Napier-Bell

9
Mark Rendell
Paul Foot (as Mr. Picnic)

11
Shelagh Martin

12
Will Smith (as Castro)

16
Jeillo Edwards (JOHNS MUM)
Bonnie Langford
Teenage Schoolgirls - Amy & Kelly
Antonio Fargas (Huggy Bear)

17
Melissa James
Phil Nichol (Bears Beware)


27
Bonnie Langford (& her band)

28
Charlotte Hudson (Watchdog, Watchdog Healthcheck, Bruiser)

29
Moyza Mavec
Phil Whelans
Katrina formerly Katrina from Katrina & The Waves

31
Sally Gray
Tony Burgess (as The Technocrane)
Paul Daniels
Debbie Magee

32
Richard Whiteley
Jo Guest

33
Sir Jimmy Saville OBE
Brendan Burns

34
Paul Ross
Mojca Mavec
Phil Whelans (Cosmos)
Paul Foot (Mr. Picnic)

36
Steve Jones
Alan Rodgers & His Orchestra (25x)
Peter Purves
Teenage Schoolgirls- Kelly & Amy
Mr. Picnic
Lionel Blair
Phil Nichol (as Kenny Smiles)
Martin Fry from ABC
(Stephen Bayliss)

37


38
Gareth Davies
Alan Rodgers
Sonia
John’s Mum - Jeillo Edwards


39
Uri Geller
6x Dancers
Mr. Picnic
Schoolgirls
Esther Rantzen
Cosmos



SUPPORTING ARTISTES, CONTRIBUTORS & MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC

1
Barbara Speake Dancers (x15)
Barbara Speake

2
Dominic Walker (Leeds Weathercam)

3
3 people in the audience cutaway shot

4
Andrew Cody - STUNT COCK
Dancers x 6 - THRUST
Britain’s Gayest Men Contestants - Jim, Darren, Ian
Walter Kress

6
Teenage Schoolgirls - Kelly Godfrey & Amy Harper
Rob MacDougal (Cardiff Weathercam)

7
Narrowcasters - Louise Ellman MP
Clare Newton (British Female Inventor of the Year)
Samantha Hubbard (Young Woman Engineer of the Year)

8
Contagious Boy
Mrs. Clarke from the Esther show

9
Randolph the Cat

11
The Rankin Family (x4)
RDA Viewer Lucy Morris (Pregnancy Test)

12
The Rankins
Rachel Fairburn (Cute Socialist)

16
3x Young Black Men (Narrowcast)

17
Noise campaigners: Nigel Rodgers
Darren Johnston


27
Slovenia’s Gayest Man Contestants - x3

28
Serena Momberg (William Hill Bookmakers)
Hugh Mortimer (UK Ambassador to Slovenia)
Boris Cerni

29
Vote 2001 Dancers (x6)
Boris Cerni (BBC World Service)

31
None

32
Mark Stainburn (Leeds Weathercam)
Eliott Parish (Nottingham Weathercam)
Richard Roberts (Birmingham Weathercam)
Emma Simpson (New York Weathercam)

33
None

34
Tony Edwards, Spokesman Ilford Shopping Centre
The Slovenian Ambassador to UK & Ireland

36
‘Ambassador’
‘Miss Honolulu’

37


38
9 Year Old Scott Cowan
Man from Leeds
Gayest Men - Phil, Ray & Darren
BBC Doctor - Dr. Colin Thomas

39
None


OPENING SUB-TITLES

1 No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish
2 EPISODE 2 Pig In The City
3 Not that it matters, but most of what follows is true.
4 Episode IV - A NEW HOPE
(5 None)

6 Guitar tuition. All Styles. Tel: 020 8346 6074
7 Extra ribbed for her comfort.
8 Go f*** yourself, each and every one of you
9 Charlotte Ch**ch
What’s missing?.....UR
(10 Extra ribbed for her comfort.)

11 We need a guest
Robbie Williams are you watching?
12 Only another 28 of these bastards to go
13 David Letterman Now Starting on ITV2
14 This caption is sponsored by the MHP mailing list
(15 David Letterman Now Starting on ITV2)

16 Episode 9 - Louise Confronts Her Uncle
17 A Southan Morris joint
18 Shhhhh
19 Bring your daughter to the slaughter
(20 Episode 9 - Louise Confronts Her Uncle)

21 My other show’s on terrestrial
22 Warning: Contents Under Pressure
23 Get well soon Rory
24
(25 Warning: Contents Under Pressure)

26 Lep pozdrav iz Londona
27 Ne Kopay Se V Nogavicah
28 We’re Being Watched
29 Gag of the Day
(30 Gag of the Day)

31 Digitally Remastered From The Original Tapes
32 Decommended, A Yellow Rail Can? (10, 5, 9)
33 Public Performance & Broadcasting Prohibited
34 Display Copy Only
(35 Digitally Remastered From The Original Tapes)

36 Not Actual Size
37
38 Not To Be Used In Conjunction With Painkillers
39 He who saves one life Saves The World Entire
(40 Images not actual size)


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