Monday, 26 January 2015

I walk too slowly down Leather Lane - British Dad stuff for my kids



Sauntering down Leather Lane the other day - had someone right behind me yelling:

HI VIS MAN:
COME ON!

A bloke off a building site burst round me, all red face and hi-vis vest, shouting in my face.

HI VIS MAN:
HURRY UP!

I was walking too slowly.

On the pavement.

Trouble is, I go from nought to chopsy in under a second.

But it was one of those situations that was so stupid, so massively dumb, that it was delicious.

Everything went like a Matrix-style slow-mo.

I was kind of enjoying this curveball.

In that split second I went from rage to feeling sorry for this man.

That the work he has to offer the world is so immense, that people walking on a pavement are actual physical obstacles to him.

So I offered my profuse apologies.

And then some more, just to make sure I could take it to the next level of sarcasm.
(There we go.)

The words didn't even come out right, but it was something along the lines of

ME:
You've clearly got some very important business to attend to right now.

And he turned round, almost broken, but indignant - like he's nailed some great argument that never happened - and replied.

HI VIS MAN:
Yes. Yes I do, actually.

And with that, he purposefully strode off.

Which would have been his win.
Had his destination not been 3 metres later, here.



Where he had to sheepishly join the end of the queue at Chicken Cottage.
And stand there.

While I walked past.
Very slowly.

The less I say, the bigger people come off as pillocks.

And probably the saddest thing is, I always, always, forget that.


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Even more new rules for our house 2015 (adventures of a tightwad dad)


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Sunday, 25 January 2015

Even more new rules for our house 2015 (British Dad Stuff)



Another rule to add to our 2015 rules for our house.

Ultra Magnus is an acceptable Autobot to take
with you on a journey.



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Thursday, 22 January 2015

More questions from my kids that I can't be arsed to look up on wikipedia



All fielded and written down.

None researched or answered.

Why do we have to wear clothes?

Why do we have to pay for things with money?

They're called Missiles, so why do they have the word "miss" in them?
Shouldn't they just be called bullets?

The buttons at big junctions that say "WAIT" don't really do anything, do they?

What happens to coins when they get lost?
Down the sofa, or overboard a ferry, in the loft, or a German's jar.
Do they make new ones, or guess how many might be gone?


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The Dads favourite bit from "Frozen" - adventures of a tightwad dad


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Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

The most disgusting word in the English language. British Dad stuff for my kids.



riddled
is the horriblest word in the English language.

She was riddled with cancer.
He was riddled with bullets.
It was riddled with worms.

I don't know who the "riddle" was that it was named after...

...but I bet they were really, really efficient.


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I was a terrible terrible script ripper - (Dad stuff for my kids)


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Monday, 19 January 2015

I was a terrible terrible script ripper - (British Dad stuff for my kids)

(picture credit)

These days, I'm a script writer.
When I first started in TV, I was a script ripper, for CNN.
It involved literally ripping the scripts that churned 5-ply from a printer, and handing them out to the control room, the autocue... and the presenting news anchor.

They'd often try out anchors from Atlanta on the shows from London.
One day, there was yet another one in, and I dashed in last minute to dump the wadge of scripts in front of him.
"Hi, I'm Rick Sallinger" He said.
"Oh, hello!" I beamed. And replied "I'm Neil, Neil Mossey"
I thought he looked at me like I was a bloomin' idiot.
Confused at this bit of weirdness - and frankly, rudeness - I exited the studio door into Main Control.

And on all the screens there, realised that he was just trying to do the main intro.


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Sort of. when I get round to pasting them all in.


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More new rules for our house 2015 (adventures of a tightwad dad)


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Tuesday, 13 January 2015

How men behave when there are tradesmen in their house #BritishDadStuff


(Redundant toolbox. A euphemism.)

As the man of the house it's your job to sort the problem out.

But here is another man sorting the problem out.

So you are reduced to offering him hot drinks.

Or a screwdriver.

You feel you should be sorting it out.

But they are on your turf.

They are on your territory.

And only weapon that you have right now

...is that they are drinking your tea.

Your kingdom has been reduced to that area around your kettle.


ADVENTURES OF A BRITISH DAD all banged up nicely here. Sort of.

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Zeroes or Oh-Oes - I don't know what to say when Im on the phone


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Monday, 12 January 2015

Zeroes or Oh-Oes - I don't know what to say when Im on the phone


(PS using a pic of my nectar card in case someone tries to put some points on it)

When I'm on the phone, and I have to say my credit card number,

I never know whether or not to say Zero, or Oh.

And I fail to commit to one, so I start off by saying zero.

But then start losing faith in it and saying "oh's" for the rest.


Then I worry that I'm coming off as inconsistent.

Like I'm making it up or faking someone else's number, because I can't say my own number out loud with confidence.

So I tell the person on the other end of the phone why I'm flipping between zero and "oh", and ask them which they prefer.


And they say they have the same problem.

There is a third word, nought, which noone uses.

Only losers use the word "nought".

People who use the word "nought" for the number O should have a credit limit of nought.

I will suggest this to Experian.

This is a problem with the English language.

I love that we have too many words for nothing.


ADVENTURES OF A BRITISH DAD are here

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I always say the wrong thing to my girl...


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Sunday, 11 January 2015

I always say the wrong thing to my girl... #BritishDadStuff



My 3 year old daughter burst into the room to announce -
"Look at me everybody! I'm pretty!"
- wearing someone else's Princess Dress. (Don't ask).

I didn't want to indulge a society obsessed with a woman's looks or clothing,
so I congratulated her on her successful promotion to Chief Financial Officer.

But that's just patronising.

I'm trying, Feminists.

Honest - I'm trying.


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Our tax on being over 30 - adventures of a tightwad dad


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Thursday, 8 January 2015

Our tax on being over 30 #BritishDadStuff



Sky, Virgin Media and BT all have a tax on being over 30.

It's called a landline phone.

They're called land lines because old man lines is too many words.

They use land lines because it's the fastest way of getting money out of your house and into their bank account.

And yet we've got to have one.

To call all the other over 30 year olds we know who've still got them.


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Rinsed again by South West Trains - to the tune of Let It Go from Frozen - adventures of a tightwad dad...


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Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Rinsed again by South West Trains - to the tune of Let It Go from Frozen - adventures of a tightwad dad...



Nearly exactly a year ago today, I put out a post about how the 3rd rail froze over and what a pain it was trying to get a refund out of South West Trains.


Nearly exactly the same thing happened today.

Fed up of whining at South West Trains.



So singing to them now instead.

I'm losing it. I'm really losing it.

With apologies to Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez,
(but with 3 scratched DVDs now, not too huge)
and anyone with any care for musical theatre.





Bit rusty on the words after this bit...



Give up.




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Even more uninvented words for tightwad dads... arsetroturf


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Monday, 5 January 2015

This is what TV used to do - BRITISH DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS



This was 'interactivity' when I was growing up.

Back when broadcasters tried to help the audience, (or at least the time before wheeling them on to stitch them up and openly mock them).

When computers started going into people's homes in the early 80's, TV joined in by making programmes where you could send off for a leaflet to get programs to type into your computer.







Typing a game into your computer.

This was on ITV.

On my local radio station, LBC ("97.3FM... The Information Station") on a Sunday lunchtime, they'd broadcast a computer program that you could record on cassette at home, and then play back into your computer.

For 5 minutes - all you'd hear, on an FM radio station, was the computer noise "eeeee---hhh-ooooo----hmmmmm-EEEEEE"

Screech radio.


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The sexist Tax Man - adventures of a tightwad dad


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Thursday, 1 January 2015

Daddanomics... the economics of being a tightwad dad. Explained here.



Daddanomics... the economics of being a Dad works like this.

"Last week, I worked for two hours...
...so that I can afford to spend half an hour with you now, in Caffe Nero."

Dads do sums like this.
It's called Daddanomics.

The economics of being a tightwad dad.

I wish I could turn that part of my brain off.
But I can't.

I wish I could earn more money.
But I can't.

So when I'm with my family - who I'm earning the money for - I'm not earning the money.

How can I just get paid, for just being with my family?

Or... how can I get my family to spend less.
And just embrace the fact that I might just possibly be... a tightwad dad.

It might all come out in the wrong order.

It will all come out in the wrong order.

In the meantime though, the most important thing to understand is that I am the idiot in all of this.

I've long since given up trying to be the Alpha Male in this situation.

It's like, I'm at the helm of an organisation... but the organisation won't exist if it goes bust.

That's my only job.

No-one else thinks it's my only job.

But it's my only job.


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How my favourite comedian Mitch Hedberg did writing...


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