Monday, 11 June 2018

What if I need to treat my T-shirts better? #WeAreTheProblems



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I need to treat my T-shirts better?

The T-shirt went for “shirt” status and I admire that.
It could have gone for “vest” but it reached for the stars.
And got my armpits.

And then T-shirt went for a hyphen.
Because apostrophe would be pretentious.

T-shirt and jeans is the uniform of my mid-life crisis.

Looking down, midriff crisis.

I am exactly the right age to pull off a T-shirt.
By pull off I mean wear and under no circumstances remove in public.

Bare chests are for youth.

My chest is improved by oblique pictures and/or big numbers.

I buy them from the finest fashion shops:
Anywhere with the words discount and outlet.

They’re called outlets because that’s the closest word to “waste products” and “rage”.
Which also explains my T-shirts' smell.

I can’t help feeling the 5 labels of care advice is... ambitious.

But the tags help me learn all the poorer parts of SE Asia.

The reason I am sharing all of this is that today I have to let one go.

It’s 40% cotton.

It was 100% but now it’s more holes than cotton.

I don’t know why I find it so hard to let my T-shirts go...
...from that special storage place that just happens to be the same distance I can hurl it from the bed.

When they’re in service, I don’t treat them very well.

I love them because they soak up everything.

This one has got so much of my DNA, I’m just surprised its not written this by itself.


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What if my eyebrows are too long for this world? #WeAreTheProblems


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Tuesday, 5 June 2018

What if my eyebrows are too long for this world? #WeAreTheProblems



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if my eyebrows are too long for this world?

I got my 9 year old son to pull out my eyebrows, and I really regret it.
Because now I miss them terribly.

I liked brushing them up the wrong way.
Like I used to gel my hair in the 1980s.

I don’t know why straight men are so bad at grooming.
But I do know that’s why we gave it the worst possible word.

And the worst place to do the grooming (ugh, that word...) is the bathroom.

Breeders like me know from birth that this is not a place for us.
It’s where we’re at our most vulnerable.

Have you seen how straight guys treat bathrooms?
The very last thing on our minds is tinkering with our appearance.

I went to my young son for help.
Turns out he had no problem whatsoever with ripping out hair from around my eye sockets.

And I’m glad he did, because it’s the perfect male bonding exercise.
Plus when I’m yelping in pain to my wife, man does she go on about childbirth.

So I’ve got my 9 year old plucking my eyebrows with tweezers.
He’s going at it like some broken game of Operation: one body part and 100 times the noise.

He went for the longest strand first.
“It’s like prison”, he told me, “You’ve got to take the biggest one out first as a sign to the others”.

And he didn’t stop.
Mainly so he could learn the more swearing.

I’m not so sure about it though.
Removing eyebrows is to make you look younger.
To look less experienced in the world.
So you don’t come off as a threat.

Which is kind of sneaky.
It’s like having a nose job before having kids.
And the baby comes out with an unexpected face.

And eyebrows are there for communication.
This is why women pluck theirs more than us.
They’re much better at picking up on the signals.

I need all the help I can get.
Mine had grown to the length of CAPS LOCK.

One day my eyebrows will reunite with my nose hair.
Then my kid won’t know where to start.


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What if I can't even get healthy eating right? #WeAreTheProblem


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Thursday, 24 May 2018

What if I can't even get healthy eating right? #WeAreTheProblems



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I even get healthy eating wrong?

I drink a smoothie full of kale from the Nutribullet every day.
I just found out raw kale has a chemical that blocks iodine and effectively shuts down your thyroid.

I can't even get Healthy Eating right.
I love the phrase "Healthy Eating".
It shows we managed to screw up even the one thing that keeps us alive.

But I'll keep trying.
I've got a family medical history that makes The World At War look cheery.
And is about the same length.
Filling in insurance forms makes me sick.
But there's no room left to put that in the box too.

I'm not big but when I measure the kids' heights on the wall, they're now tall enough to mark the width of my belly.

Both of them can bounce on it.
It's like a really slow sympathy pregnancy.
That my wife isn't sympathetic about.

On the upside, I can't see my spare tyre over my manboobs.
I hope my daughter will buy me a training bra.

Maybe my belly is protecting me and will grow to distance me from the fridge, or blocking out the adverts on TV.

So I'm trying to do something about it.
I get food advice from podcasts and they're great.
They last about an hour, or 3 to 4 family size Dairy Milks.

I now put coconut oil into my coffees.
The end of every drink looks like a Bounty Bar abbatoir.
It's meant to put more protein into my brain.
So I can think clearly through the palpitations.
It's already pushing out the 1980s clarinet lessons.

I make sure I get a rainbow of fresh food, from puff pastry beige all the way to burnt steak sandwich brown.

I'm taking probiotics with no idea what they do
All I know is the best brand has more billions of bacteria.
And a box that says "Now wash your hands".

All my cheap food I like has wheat in it and that makes my face red.
I look like Mr Strong having a stroke.
And he has got a really firm grip.


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What if I'm too late for solar power? #WeAreTheProblem


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Monday, 21 May 2018

What if I'm too late for solar power? #WeAreTheProblems



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I'm too late for solar power?

The planet is dying.
Humanity is headed for oblivion.
I will fix this.
By looking into getting some solar panels.

I want them to earn more money during the day than I do.

And turning our house into a power station is much easier than, say, using less electricity.

Not saying our home is rough but if we put the panels there, the roof will come down as well as our bills.

So I want to put them in the garden.

I want to become a solar power gardener.

I’ve got everything we need: a back yard, some shorts, and a really bad energy habit.

Plus two kids who treat the garden with such respect, it’s definitely the best place to put a cutting edge fragile electrical installation.

I can even get them a nice big pylon to play on.

I will have to wash the panels to get more power.

Bragging “I’m a bigwig energy company” while looking like a refugee with a squeegie doing windscreens before the lights turn green.

And then I’d spend all the money we save on an electric vehicle.

Because my kids want their mates to clock them in a brand new disabled assistance cart.

“Come on kids, it’s time for school!
3:30AM!”
beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep...

It will be at home with our clapped out electric halogen cooker.

I am so blessed to have something to gently illuminate my dinner.

I like my food cold and senstively lit.

It gives me the strength to watch my gorgeous family blowing more power than a Polish steelworks.

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What if I am an electronic hoarder? #WeAreTheProblem


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Thursday, 17 May 2018

What if I am an electronic hoarder? #WeAreTheProblems



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I am an electronic hoarder?

I have 183GB of stuff on my computer.
And I only need about none of it.

Emails, photos, files, I’m like that documentary man living in his own filth - crawling between piles of stuff that he can’t let go.

I am an electronic hoarder.
But I’m worse than a hoarder because I backup my backups.

So I’m doubling the stuff I’m holding onto.
Onto actual hard drives.

And now it’s actual hoarding, finding actual places to hide them.

It isn’t easy.
That’s why they’re called hard drives.

Because it'd be a calamity if my out of focus people pictures of people I live with fall into the hands of people I don’t live with.

I've got to hide them from burglars who specialise in out-of-date photography.

I am terrified of deleting anything.
But I love it because it’s the one time my PC is even less decisive than me.

“Are you sure you want to delete this?”
The only answer they give you is “Yes” or “No”

That’s because a computer programmer who get a machine into my house is a really successful person.

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn’t make ker-jillions from knowing words like “Maybe?” or “Can we do it after Ice Road Truckers”

I should only get my gadgets from mediocre ditherers.

That forget my stuff now and again.

I need my files on a box built by a chump.


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What if I just don't believe in school? #WeAreTheProblem #SATs


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Wednesday, 16 May 2018

What if I just don't believe in school? #WeAreTheProblem #SATs



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I just don't believe in school?

My mates go a bit weird when I tell them my kids go to a Church of England school.

I’m embarrassed because I know I’m not into God enough for them to be there.
And by enough I mean at all.


So when I get a weird reaction, it’s like I’m being persecuted for my non-beliefs.

If only there was some kind of figure or group of people who’d appreciate that.


And then I feel sorry for the teachers because they’ve got to be good enough for the Government as well as God.
If Ofsted thinks the school’s “Outstanding” and Jesus is like “meh”
Who do we believe?

I don’t know how to say this but, I don’t believe in the Department of Education.

I don’t think we should take their teachings too literally.

I’m just not a regular school-goer.

They’re so judgemental.


So now there’s two reasons we’re gonna get busted, and this is a really good school.
The kids are learning way more than me.

Subordinating conjunctions, determiners, verb inflections...
I haven’t got a clue.

And I’m trying to get them to teach me.
But they don’t want to.

The only way I can do it is by tricking them.
I’m like asking casually “What would the Lord do... if he had a relative clause?”

And they’re not having any of it.
That's not very Christian.
“Wouldn’t He give it to someone in need?”

But now they’re getting all fronted adverbial and I don’t even know what that means.


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What if my wife wants me to get better at lying? And #WeAreTheProblems 204-210


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Monday, 14 May 2018

What if my wife wants me to get better at lying? And #WeAreTheProblems 204-210



My #WeAreTheProblems this week.

Monday 14 May
My son is being confused by an autistic kid repeatedly calling him "gay".
And I don’t even know where to start on whose rights to respect first.
All I know is he won’t say “Oh shut up and kiss me.”

Tuesday 15 May
Interesting choice: It's called Twitter.
Not Finger Pointer.

Wednesday 16 May
I am incapable of reassuring my wife.
I think she wants me to get better at lying.

Thursday 17 May
Men, face it.
Using sat nav is asking for directions.

Friday 18 May
All songs with words about lengths, sizes and measurements are utter filth.

Saturday 19 May
They're not energy levels.
They are lack of fear levels.

Sunday 20 May
I suffer from attention obesity.
I am focus fat.


And if you're affected by any of the issues raised in this list,
All 365 #WeAreTheProblems from this year are here

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Rod Hull and Emu at the BBC


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Friday, 27 April 2018

Rod Hull and Emu at the BBC



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

The most watched video on my Youtube channel at the moment is Boy George on Larry Grayson.

It must be the way I worded it.

But the second best most watched is this, one of the first packages I produced for TV...

It's a montage of Rod Hull and Emu's time at the BBC for a long-forgotten BBC One programme called Aunties TV Favourites with Steve Wright.
(I left out the infamous Michael Parkinson clip, that was played in separately for the show but to me he just comes off as a miserable so and so anyway.)



I went through every show he appeared in and managed to get in his first British TV appearance on Lulu, Ronnie Corbett, Peter Powell, Sing A Song of Emu, Michael Aspel on Ask Aspel, Larry Grayson and the Generation Game, the dogs and presenters Lesley Judd, John Noakes, Peter Purves and Shep, EBC 1 (Emu's Broadcasting Company, Ahhhh!) and Norman Wisdom. I added some more clips which weren't used at 0:58.

Enjoy!

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I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless? #WeAreTheProblem


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Thursday, 26 April 2018

I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

I am a shareholder. How can I be more ruthless?

I have 71 shares in a national chain of supermarkets.

I am a fat cat shareholder.

This year, that supermarket chain will stop their staff from having paid breaks.

To make more money for their shareholders.

Which is me.

I could sell the shares.

But that's weak.
I don’t think they’re doing enough.


Not paying the staff for their breaks is a great idea.

It’s not as if they’re doing anything useful.

They’re just resting from making money for me.

How's that going to make more money for me?


Why aren’t we charging them for their uniforms, heat and light and falling below a certain speed?

Why am I even writing this?

We should make the staff come up with more ideas for making money from them.


And charge them banking fees on their wages.

No, pay the staff into the supermarket’s own bank, and then charge banking fees on that.

I know I got the shares when I was working there as staff, but they stopped that scheme to make it more profitable for shareholders - and I want more.

No good work is ever done on an in-breath.
Micropayments only on everyone's out-breaths.


I am an awesome shareholder.

I am so ruthless - I see your ruthlessness.

And I am gonna find even more ruth to lose.


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What if I try and get my kid off video games? #WeAreTheProblem


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Wednesday, 25 April 2018

What if I try and get my kid off video games? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I try and get my kid off video games?

I know video games are really bad for my young son's development.
But they keep him so quiet.

His little eyes flickering away involuntarily.
It's too cute.

He also loves it when I playfully yank out the cable and bark at him to do something creative instead.
"Why don't you write a list of things I do that annoys you?"
"Okay"
And here is that list, presented without comment.

1 Take the PS3 away.
I know I said I wouldn't comment but I think this is just a warm up beat.

2 Force me to do things.
Okay it's just a little encouragement to express himself. And there it is. I'm so proud.

3 Play GT5
At least Gran Tourismo 5 has a 2-player mode. Not like Need For Speed completely hogging the family telly and-- I mean this is a breakthrough.
A bonding moment with my boy.
With excellent penmanship.
I think I just levelled up.

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What if I am now a dash cam director? #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 24 April 2018

What if I am now a dash cam director? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if a dash cam doesn't help us?

It happened. We ended up with a dash cam in our car.
And I cannot be happier.

I need more cameras in my life filming us from more angles.
So that insurance companies can trust us even more than they do.

I am now backing up my backing up.

The picture quality is so good you can see the whites of the cats eyes.

I am the Quentin Tarrantino of dash cam directing.

And every day is a sequel.

Instead of indicating, I scream “Come on, we’re losing the light!”


Dad got it for us, which was incredibly kind.
He’s a London Taxi Driver and wants to live vicariously through our footage.

I will give it to him as a box set.
Something between Doctors and The Chase.

He said it’s to help protect his grandchildren.
But I’m not sure how videoing the collisions keeps them safe.

It’s basically a recorder for all our car conversations.
Like the ultimate judge in family court.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t say that.
I have the videographic evidence right here.
In HD.”

I’m not sure what we’ll do with the footage.
There will be no more Pixar movies until every file is watched.

My kids can use it to learn how to drive with confidence.
And swear with vocabulary.

Every journey now ends with a wrap party.


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What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 1 BORIS BIKE CRASH #WeAreTheProblem


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Monday, 23 April 2018

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 1 BORIS BIKE CRASH #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh?

5. Racing Sammy up the council estate slide.
4. Canal boat crush.
3. Bedroom light switch.
2. Lake Tahoe police shootout.
1. Boris Bike crash.

#1 BORIS BIKE CRASH


I came off my Boris Bike at 6pm
, but only found out about it 3 hours later.
This is my number 1 best near death experience because I don’t remember a thing.
All near death experiences should be like this.

I think I was rushed to hospital.
Which was a complete waste of time because I wasn’t going to notice anything until around 11.

I was treated there by the maxillofacial department.
It’s called maxillofacial because when your face is smashed up and you're undergoing maxillofacial treatment, the one word you can’t say is maxillofacial.

I know the injury was bad, because my biggest worry was “did somebody get the bike docked?”

City of London Police didn't just get it back within the hour.
They even found an empty docking station.
They are tidy.

I love that the City Of London has its own police force.
Because you know, the capital's just that little bit too big for the Metropolitan Police.
“We cannot cope with a single extra square mile.”

That’s why we have different police forces, so they can’t take over the UK.

Maybe a police state isn’t so bad.

I’d like to see their take on running our schools.

They could invite teachers to come in and give talks at assembly.

See how they like it.

And we would still have a Prime Minister.

But they’d make them stand outside all day at Number 10 on the doorstep

What did I learn?
Don't put your heavy bag in the handlebars basket to keep it safe.
Try to ride the bike from there instead.


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What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 2 LAKE TAHOE POLICE SHOOTOUT #WeAreTheProblem


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Sunday, 22 April 2018

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 2 LAKE TAHOE POLICE SHOOTOUT #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh?

5. Racing Sammy up the council estate slide.
4. Canal boat crush.
3. Bedroom light switch.
2. Lake Tahoe police shootout.
1. Boris Bike crash.

#2 LAKE TAHOE POLICE SHOOTOUT


All the near death experiences so far involved my family.

This one was all by myself.

I don’t know what was going through my head.

Apart from some high velocity trajectiles.
Possibly nearly.

I was giddy, and British, and just arrived in California.

Our first day - our first afternoon - in Lake Tahoe.

Even better - I went out with some mates who were up for a best animation Oscar.

(I know it was 1998 because we hadn’t seen Titanic and when James Cameron screamed “I’m the king of the world!!” we thought he was cocky.)

Anyway, back to my disaster.
Our first lunch in town. In a restaurant and everything.

But outside there was a commotion.
A hubub.
And some crackle.

Like a good Brit, I knew exactly what to do.

So I dash to the window with my camera...

“Oooh look. Armed police! Right in front of us. Wow. Just like TJ Hooker.”

I’m framing this up - badly.
And snap the photo below.

(It wasn’t until 1999 that they invented focus).

Um, my American friend coughed.
I think we should maybe back off.

But they're pointing away from us.
Yes. And that means...
Oh, right.

It was such a moment of wisdom that I ignored it and got another picture.
An even worse one.




What did I learn?
I didn’t win for best camerawork.


Tomorrow's final near death experience, Boris Bike crash.

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What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 3 BEDROOM LIGHT SWITCH #WeAreTheProblem


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Saturday, 21 April 2018

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh? 3 Bedroom light switch #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I list my top 5 near death experiences for a laugh?

5. Racing Sammy up the council estate slide.
4. Canal boat crush.
3. Bedroom light switch.
2. Lake Tahoe police shootout.
1. Boris Bike crash.

#3 BEDROOM LIGHT SWITCH


My teenage bedroom was decorated and I can't remember how but I think Mum had taken off the main light switch to paint around it.

It was off the wall for a few days, and I know she told me not to touch the bare wires.

I also knew I was way too old to know that already.

By the way this is Mum who told me at midnight when I went downstairs moaning
"Mum, I don't know why but I'm really itchy?"
"Oh yeah, I tried making a padded headboard for your bed for free."
"What... with that insulation from the Housing Association for our roof?"
"Yes."
"It's glass fibre!"
"I know. It didn't work out very well."

Anyway, you know when you go into a room for 10 years and without thinking about it reach for the wall?

I did and BOOM!

Near death experience number 3.

What have I learned?
Mum is where I got all my creativity.
We were close.
Like Kato and Clouseau.


Tomorrow's near death experience, Lake Tahoe police shootout.

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What if my top 5 Near Death Experiences make a good list? #4 CANAL BOAT CRUSH #WeAreTheProblem


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Friday, 20 April 2018

What if my top 5 Near Death Experiences make a good list? #4 CANAL BOAT CRUSH #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if my top 5 Near Death Experiences make a good list?

5. Racing Sammy up the council estate slide.
4. Canal boat crush.
3. Bedroom light switch.
2. Lake Tahoe police shootout.
1. Boris Bike crash.

#4 CANAL BOAT CRUSH


I was 14 and on a canal boat with my family.
It was a sunny day and I was bored.
I was always bored.

This time I was at the front of the long narrowboat and bored.

I was so bored, I put my head back on the roof of the canal boat to look at an approaching iron footbridge from a different angle.

That's the best I came up with.
Even with all the time I had on my hands.

But we were going at 3mph, so this was taking way too long and I sat down on the front bench instead.
Because I was bored.

I looked up and watched the bridge clear the roof by about 3 inches.

I stopped being bored.

What did I learn?

Canal boat life is not for me.
Canal boat death isn't either.
Boredom is good.
3mph is breakneck.


Tomorrow's near death experience, bedroom light switch.

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What if my top 5 best near death experiences teach me nothing? #5 CONCRETE SLIDE #WeAreTheProblem


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Thursday, 19 April 2018

What if my top 5 best near death experiences teach me nothing? #5 CONCRETE SLIDE #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if my top 5 best near death experiences teach me nothing?

#5 CONCRETE SLIDE


My Top 5 Best Near-Death Experiences

"5. RACING SAMMY UP THE COUNCIL ESTATE CONCRETE SLIDE."

Camden Council built our Estate in 1966.
They also made a kids playground.
Entirely out of concrete.

The slide was a cast iron main sewer pipe embedded in a mini tower of brutalism.

I know. Just like Cinderella's Castle.

Around 1978, I raced my mate Sammy to the top and then woke up in our 10th Floor flat.

For research, I asked my Dad about this and he remembers it was definitely a Sunday.

Because he came home from the pub and I was on the sofa with a bag of peas on my head.

Also, when I went to school next day they said it's probably best I went to hospital.

What have I learned?
Don't chase mates up concrete slides, and something something something something.

Next time, Canal Boat Crush.

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What if Im just not built to be an Alpha Male? #WeAreTheProblem


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Wednesday, 18 April 2018

What if Im just not built to be an Alpha Male? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I'm just not built to be an Alpha Male?

All men want to be Alpha Males.
But they don’t say it out loud.
Because as soon as you say “I am the winner. I am the Leader. I am Number 1”
Everyone wants to hack you down.
Only a true Alpha Male is stupid enough to not get that.

So I am a proud Beta Male.
With my limited resources, and second best chances at everything.
It’s the perfect place to watch Alphas running things.
Into the ground.
For their benefit.
Because they say so.

I want to be the best Beta Male.
Which I know sounds a little bit Alpha.
But that means I’m already failing at it.
Which is completely Beta.
I’m thwarted. We're good.

I don’t know which Beta Male quality I like best.
Being indecisive or not picking a choice.

They’re called Alphas because they gave themselves the first letter of the Greek Alphabet.
It’s also the Greek letter that looks the most like a male virile seed.
It’s like a big head with a strong tail.
That thing is gonna impregnate anything.

And the Greek Letter Beta, is the flabby blob trailing behind it.
And, Alphabet?
Alphabet-a?
No. Alphabet. They couldn't even be bothered to squeeze in our whole name.

And this is how low we are:
If you type “Beta Male” into Wikipedia, it redirects you to “Alpha Male”.
We haven’t even got our own page.


A friend came into my work for a coffee, and we bumped into an Alpha Male he used to work for.
After, Alpha asks me for the guy’s contact details, to boss him around some more I guess.
“Sure.” I pull out my phone to get the number.
“No. Just email it to me.”
"I've got it right here."
"I'll get it by email."
Whaaaaa-t?

If I don’t give it, it’s a battle, that someone’s got to “win”.
And if I do give it, I'm now working for this douche.

Since then he married Britain's biggest Alpha Female and got loads of beautiful kids in a stunning mansion.
But... is he happy?

Also, if I spend less time on her Instagram would I achieve more?
Probably, but that’s not the point.

Women moan a lot about Alpha Male behaviour.
To Beta Males.
That’s our job in Nature.
We are masters of the Friend Zone.

But then the Alphas still get the best breeding opportunities.

If only Beta Males were more assertive, maybe they'd say something like:
“I promise you, I can fix the World in an instant.
Can you just stop doing Alphas for five minutes?”
But we won’t.
And they won’t.

On the upside, I am totally owning it over on the Omegas.

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What if I am incapable of looking after my own personal data? #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 17 April 2018

What if I am incapable of looking after my own personal data? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I am incapable of looking after my own personal data?

I am completely incapable of looking after my own personal data.
I have given away so much.
I sing like a canary.
I don’t know who has what or why.

I love being data-mined: The electricity company wanted to know my first born’s name and date of birth.
“That's great! Are you going to make him a birthday cake?”
They said “Only if the oven’s electric.”
They’ve got an answer for everything.

They said that in an emergency, they know where all the vulnerable people are.
Yep. They used those words.
Like a serial killer. With the highest tariffs and a 20 minute switchboard hold.
And what emergency?
For what I’m paying, I want them there with a bedtime story and batteries for the DS.

They keep telling us: “You’ve got nothing to fear if you’ve got nothing to hide.”
I’ve got loads to hide.
Doesn’t everyone?
That is a lot of fear.

So, I figured that if I get all of this stuff online for free... with the data I’ve got.
Maybe I could give them even more data to get even more stuff for free.

But now I can’t remember what data I’ve given to what company.

Every time I login I forget my fake details, so I register with them again.
And my details are getting faker and faker.

My bank asked me a really simple question:
“What is your name?”
So I told them.
“Er... uhm. Jehengir. I think. That’s I-t-h-i-n-k.”
“Date of birth?”
“Easy. Bottom of the menu. 1918.”
“And your place of birth?”
“In the woods.
Yes.
And my mother’s maiden name is AwwwwoooooOOO!”

I have created so many other people online...
And they are all doing way better than me.
I hope they get hacked.

Previous post...
What if no caravan can contain this? #WeAreTheProblem


All about me, and getting these by email.

Monday, 16 April 2018

What if no caravan can contain this? #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if no caravan can contain this?

I’ve taken my family on Caravan Park Holidays 5 times now because I clearly earn too much money and love my life.

The caravan has wheels but it’s static.
Which means you can’t move it to say, somewhere like, a better place to have a holiday.

My wife already knows every single worst aspect about me.
But now she gets to be locked in a plastic container with it.
For a whole week.

My kids, of course, argued the whole time.
Mainly about which facility they thought will kill them the first.

So we went on long walks.
Sadly the bad weather meant I never made it home.

It was so good, we stayed up all night.
Because the caravan’s curtains couldn't.

And the food is all-you-can-cook.
With the kitchen’s generous none-of-the-utensils.

On the first day I made soup.
It started out as bacon, mushrooms, beans and egg.
But with only one pot, it always came out as soup.
We had soup for every dinner.

And I am totally grateful.
Eating slop on a couch that reeks of dog anus.
It’s the perfect TV dinner.
57 channels and not one fresh vegetable.

The swimming pool was opened by Duncan Goodhew in 1987.
And it will be great when it is finished.

I think it's in his biography, under: “My Gift Of Hell To The Future.”

The water was just the right temperature, for a dead torso with no limbs.
Which is exactly what we thought would be bobbing along right next to us.

In the evenings, it has its own entertainment complex.
And it’s very complex.

For the adults, a bar.
And for the kids, unlimited cash gambling.
Rows and rows of coin pushers, prize grabbers and slot machines.

I tried to cheer the kids up by telling them it’s some kind of theme park.

Where the theme is profanity.

So now the kids are shovelling as much of my cash into these slots as quick as they can.

It was easier for me to lie upside down and jiggle my pockets.
Which ironically is exactly how they were conceived.

If you win a game, the machines pump out tickets.

The tickets are currency you can cash in for a wide choice of prizes:
Candy Canes, Cola Cables or Type 2 Diabetes.

They’re worth about a penny in bulk, and cost me a fiver.
An exchange rate so bad that it makes Brexit jealous.

We went for a break. And now I’m broke.


Previous post...
What if they just teach on the inset days instead? And #PowerDaydream 197-203


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 4 April 2018

What if they just teach on the inset days instead? And #PowerDaydream 197-203



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

My Power Daydreams this week.

Monday 2 April
"Daddy, you know Inset Days where they teach the teachers what they're meant to be teaching us?
What if they just teach us on the Inset Days instead?"

Tuesday 3 April
What if I am so lazy my best education for the kids is turning off Google's Restricted Mode.

Wednesday 4 April
What if I'm starting the decluttering with my bank account.

Thursday 5 April
What if my train of thought is more like a rail replacement bus service.
But I'm in First Class.

Friday 6 April
I’m the only able bodied man in this coffee shop, while all proper men are at work earning for their families.
What if I feel like a conscientious-objector.
And get a white feather instead of a flat white.

Saturday 7 April
What if men hide today’s newspaper in their DIY, because we know it will slow down that easily distracted future guy taking it all apart.

Sunday 8 April
What if I thought a Dad's job is to keep them alive.
But actually it's only ever about killing all of their time.


And if you're affected by any of the issues raised in this list,
All 365 PowerDaydreams from this year are here

Previous post...
Why you can never delete your Amazon self-published printed-on-demand book. #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Why you can never delete your Amazon self-published printed-on-demand book. #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place.

What if you can never delete your Amazon self-published printed-on-demand book?
aka Does Amazon have fake second-hand book sellers?


I wrote a book on Kindle.
Took me ages to get the pen off the screen.

But this was weird -- I self-published a book properly on Amazon instead.

It was an experiment - President Donald Trump tweets: What if I change all exclamations into question marks? (And 9 other major improvements for happiness)

And then I panicked.

In my head one night (at 1am) Donald Trump’s lawyers were going to come after me to sue me.

Right, I know!
Even though I’d just made every one of his 2017 tweets so much better.

But - I reasoned - if I am going to get done, I’d at least want it to be for something even closer to my heart.

It was self-published on Amazon's KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing) platform, and the paperbacks are printed on demand.

So, I thought, I’d just go into the dashboard and un-publish it.

It’s easy, an option on a pull down menu.
But you get a warning.

“We’ll stop printing copies of your paperback to fulfil customer orders.
Third parties may still sell copies of your paperback on Amazon.
That means your paperback’s detail page will stay live on the website”


Well, I’m fine with that - the joke for me was that 4 were only ever printed.

The KDP dashboard tells me the exact number sold.
Ever.
And know where all of them are.

So this is the weird thing:
When I unpublished the book, the Amazon US listing shows that you can buy a copy “new” for $14.56
But I’ve got all the copies.

This feels ominous.



“Langton Distribution” says it has 1 copy left in stock.
Even though I have every single copy ever printed.

And it was only ever printed-on-demand.

Here’s what I’ve learnt.

You can never unpublish a book.

It will always be buyable - at a massive markup, possibly to Amazon.

But now my neuroticism means I’m a Beta Male who doesn't know to fear Amazon’s lawyers or Donald Trump’s lawyers.

On a book that sold 4 copies.

So the answer to the question (if you are searching for this on Google):
Can you unpublish or delete a book you have self-published on Amazon KDP?

The answer is no.

But Amazon doesn’t seem to want to be seen to be keeping it in print, even though (for a hefty price, to you) it is.

By the way, leave a comment or subscribe to my mailing list, and I'll send you a PDF copy of the book for free.


Previous post...
What if I write a book of lists that I use for story ideas? List of 10 Negative Character Emotions


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Thursday, 29 March 2018

What if I write a book of lists that I use for story ideas? List of 10 Negative Character Emotions



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if I write a book of lists that I use for story ideas? List of 10 Negative Character Emotions

What if humans are the only species on the planet who makes lists?

I am in the middle of my next book, which is a list of the lists that I use for writing stories.

I'm not sure that it counts as writing.

The other problem with lists is that you're never sure when you're finished.

But one list is ready and probably the one I use the most:
Every single negative emotion.

Characters have a want - for example, wanting to write a book of lists.

But something blocks them from getting that want.

And that block looks like it’s something outside of the character:
an external thing that they need to get
- for example all the negative emotions to put into the list of negative emotions.

But really, it’s a negative emotion which is stopping them.

And this is the thing that they really need to get around.

So for me it's "FRUSTRATION" with not feeling that it's complete, that's stopping me from publishing this list.

And knowing which negative emotion is driving your character, helps you come up with a solution to the character's problem.

Even - especially - if it’s a wrong solution.

For instance, publishing the list on a blog before the book is written.

Anyway, here's the list of 10 negative emotions and their correct solutions.

With 7 deadly sins.
And 3 extra for fun.

Enjoy. Hope it helps.

UNCOMFORTABLE
Impatient, Uneasy, Distressed, Embarrassment, Shame
SOLUTION: Change your state. Clarify what you want.
Take pride in experience of shame.

FEAR
Concern, Apprehension, Scared, Terrified, Obedient
SOLUTION: Get prepared. Change your perception: eg it’s excitement.

HURT
Sense of loss
SOLUTION: Expectation not met or sense of loss. Evaluate if it’s really a loss.
Change expectation or communicate needs better.

ANGER
Irritated, Resentful, Livid, Rage
SOLUTION: Your rule has been broken. Clarify your rules or change them.

FRUSTRATION
Held back, Hindered in the pursuit of something
SOLUTION: You’re doing same thing over and again and expect different result.
Change your approach.

DISAPPOINTMENT
Sad, Defeated
SOLUTION: Your outcome won’t happen. Change your expectation or a variable, like a timeframe.

GUILT
Regret, Own rule broken
SOLUTION: Make things right. Change present and future behaviours.
Change your perception.

INADEQUACY
Less than, Unworthy, Perfectionist, Pessimism, Procrastination
SOLUTION: Get up and do something to get better or change criteria.
Make your rules less harsh. Take action like practice.

OVERLOADED
Overwhelmed, Hopeless, Depressed
SOLUTION: What’s most important - Necessity vs. desire.
Prioritise. Take one small action: chunk it down.

LONELINESS
Apart, Separate From
SOLUTION: Need connection with others. Clarify connection you need: friendship, laughter, listener? Change approach or perception.

Embrace your negative emotion and use it to inspire action.

Seven Deadly Sins... + 3 more:
LUST
GLUTTONY
GREED
SLOTH
ANGER
ENVY
PRIDE

(& HYPOCRISY, COWARDICE, MISERLINESS)


Previous post...
What if every time we have a bath, it empties out into the street? #PowerDaydream


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Wednesday, 28 March 2018

What if every time we have a bath, it empties out into the street? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if every time we have a bath, it empties out into the street?

On the doorstep, Neil looks over his Long-Suffering Wife’s shoulder. A foamy torrent rolls down the side of the house, down the street, across the pavement and into the road.

LSW
(horrified)
The whole street knows every time we have a bath.

NEIL
Yeah. Funny isn’t it.

LSW
You’ve seen this already?

NEIL
Um...

LSW
How long.

NEIL
Months?

LSW
The whole street knows every time we have a bath!

NEIL
Oh they don't mind.

LSW
I mind!

NEIL
It's keeping the street clean?

LSW
When, when... can we have a bath without the whole street knowing about it?

NEIL
I fixed the blind.

LSW
But this is worse!

NEIL
I know, but you were worried about the people seeing you through the frosted glass - which you can’t - but I did that first.

LSW
This is so much worse!

NEIL
Yeah.
It is a bit obvious.
Do you think we wash too much or not enough?

LSW tries out old sticks that the kids have left around the front door.

LSW
Why didn’t you tell me about it.

NEIL
Honest - I thought the window was the biggest worry.

LSW
I’ll do it myself.

She pokes at the drain.

NEIL
I’ll go and have a bath.
(off LSW)
To test it!
Did you use all the hot water?

LSW gestures what he’s standing in.

NEIL
Oh, yeah.


Previous post...
Like an angry Ex my UK energy supplier won't let me switch. What if I tell them how that makes me feel? #PowerDaydream #WeAreTheProblem


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Tuesday, 27 March 2018

Like an angry Ex my UK energy supplier won't let me switch. What if I tell them how that makes me feel? #PowerDaydream #WeAreTheProblem



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

Like an angry Ex, my UK energy supplier won't let me switch.
What if I tell them how that makes me feel?


NEIL SCRATCHES OUT A LETTER ON HIS PAD IN BIRO, NEXT TO PILES OF DEMANDS FROM HIS ENERGY COMPANY.

NEIL
I cannot tell you in words how sad every single interaction with XYZEnergy makes me feel.

The thought of fielding phonecalls from it fills me with less joy, so forgive me for writing this down. I’ll exlpain why.

You and I should be frolicking on the beach, or playing in the park, or hugging our loved ones, or doing something - anything - that makes us better people...
...rather than making yet more profit for XYZEnergy shareholders.

And, I’ve said this on the phone, but want it in writing that if XYZEnergy treats its customers like this, I cannot begin to imagine how it might treat its staff, so I apologise for the crushingly dull and pointless business on which we will now spend our precious, limited lives.

Why has XYZEnergy chosen to withdraw my tariff of Blue+Fixed Price July 2018 - XYZEnergy’s cheapest tariff (and the tariff on which my dual fuel Gas bill was closed on)?

Was the final electricity bill set at a Standard Variable Tariff because it is a cheaper tariff than the one I was on, as an act of kindness?

If so, that’s great, and thank you.

However, I fear that the Standard Variable is XYZEnergy’s most expensive tariff.

Has XYZEnergy switched me to the most expensive tariff because I have had to start a complaint merely to get my electricity account closed down?

It seems XYZEnergy wants me to sign and comply with a pages-long fine print contract.

But at more than one stage it does not want that agreement to apply to XYZEnergy.

Which is why I have had to use my finite life contacting XYZEnergy to inform it
that:

- No action was taken to close my electricty account between 17th August & 18th October.

- XYZEnergy sat on my credit balance until I made a complaint.

- XYZEnergy continued to take money from my bank account 3 times after the date of supplier switch.


I then had to call the new supplier - who confirmed that both meter readings left them in their data stream safely on the 18th August - and because of my call they offered to call XYZEnergy and the third party readings company to manually have XYZEnergy accept my meter reading.

I was then told - when I discovered that XYZEnergy were still debiting my bank account throughout this - even though I'd left XYZEnergy months ago - that XYZEnergy are unable to be sure that further debits will not be taken, because the electricity account was still “active”
(Even though I had left XYZEnergy months ago).

And that I would have to call my bank myself to make sure that XYZEnergy would not take any more money from my bank account.

Now XYZEnergy has chosen to withdraw my cheaper tariff for the Final Electricity Bill.
(Is that true? I do hope it is not and that XYZEnergy has chosen to do something nice).

So what do I do now?

I do not work for XYZEnergy, but I have had to do the work above - which 30 quid goodwill is starting to make me feel somewhat shabby.

XYZEnergy’s seems to be making £53,653 per hour in operating profit, and I’m figuring that the poor complaints team might not be seeing much of that.

Yet XYZEnergy seems to have done nothing to close my electricity account for 2 months, sat on my credit balance until I complained and continued to debit my bank account.

Maybe this is why XYZEnergy is making £53,653 per hour.

And now I am down on XYZEnergy’s level.

What’s that about?

It seems money, and one-sided contracts seems to be the only thing driving XYZEnergy’s unpleasant enterprise.

I have invested - pointing out these basics, and correspondence and phonecalls - I judge about two hours of my life doing work for XYZ, on something that by its own advertising should take zero hours.

Have I got any of this wrong?

Either way, XYZEnergy chooses for there to be a detailed contract between us in this relationship - and so I would prefer to keep our correspondence written to make sure I am not confusing what I am being expected to do at each step.

I would also appreciate an answer from the billion pound utility to my question:

What specific actions, if any, did XYZEnergy take between 17th August and 17th October to close my electricity account?

What specific actions and on what dates did XYZEnergy make to contact the new supplier for a meter reading, and why did it act upon my gas meter reading but not my electricity meter reading?

Right now, fate has delivered you the gift to lift us both up from this.

We need you, thank you.


SHOTS OF ANONYMOUS GENERIC CORPORATE BUILDINGS, PYLONS, GENERATORS, CITY OF LONDON SKYLINE, COOLING TOWERS ETC.

XYZ ENERGY
Thank you for your emails of 9 and 10 November 2017 regarding your complaint. I appreciate you taking the time to highlight the error in the electricity bill you received.

Your prices on the Blue+Fixed Price July 2017 tariff should have been held for electricity, as they were for gas. The difference per unit was 4.45 pence; we billed you for 170 units of electricity on the higher Standard (Variable) prices which totalled £7.57. Allowing for VAT at 5% the total you were overcharged was £7.95. I have applied a credit to the account for this amount today.

I have also spoken to our Business Support team to try and gain some answers for you on what held up the closure of your account.

On 29 July 2017 received the instruction from your new supplier that they would take your supply effective from 17 August 2017. On 20 September 2017 your account was reviewed by our billing team as the account was still showing as live when the supply had been lost. They raised a request to our Business Support team to investigate and fix the issues preventing your account closing in the normal manner; regrettably they were unable to take any action on this until 17 October 2017. At this point they resolved the issues and your account was closed to the readings provided. We normally receive electronic information flows from suppliers during the transfer process to indicate transfer requests, readings and meter details; because of the issues encountered I was unable to see these which lead me to understand that we had not received the information from your new supplier.

In your email you advised that you feel the £30.00 goodwill applied to your account is insufficient in view of the time you have taken to try and resolve this matter. As a company we do not compensate for time because everybody values this differently and we must be seen to treat everyone fairly and equally. I am happy to increase the goodwill offer by a further £50.00 in full and final resolution of your complaint.


NEIL STARES OUT OF THE WINDOW AS THE LETTER CONTINUES.

XYZ ENERGY
Please let me know if this is acceptable and I will credit the account with the £50.00 and send this payment to you.


SHOTS MOVE INTO CLOSE UPS OF ANONYMOUS GENERIC CORPORATE BUILDINGS, PYLONS, GENERATORS, CITY OF LONDON SKYLINE, COOLING TOWERS ETC.

XYZ ENERGY
I am writing further to my email of 10 November 2017, copied below for your reference, regarding your complaint.

We are very keen to ensure your complaint is resolved to your satisfaction. Please can you review this and contact me and let me know if you are happy with the actions I have proposed. If not, then I would be grateful if you could let me know what further actions you would like me to take in order that I can discuss these with my manager and ensure a satisfactory outcome for you.


SHOTS MOVE CLOSER ON NEIL STARING AT HIS HAND WRITTEN LETTER.

NEIL
Thank you for your kind reply. We appreciate it.

I took this to our Board Meeting last night.

It was over turkey meatballs.

Our Chief Financial Officer (my wife) proposes we accept it with thanks.

We would like to accept your kind offer and again appreciate the time you have taken to reply.

The cheque for £7.95 has already arrived.

If there is nothing more for me to do, we will await the final payment you outline in your email and will then consider the matter and our business with XYZ Energy as closed.

With best wishes on XYZ Energy's future hi-jinks and adventures.


Neil Mossey
CEO, Mossey Family


Previous post...
What if all my pants are stripey. Does that make me boring? #PowerDaydream


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Monday, 26 March 2018

What if all my pants are stripey. Does that make me boring? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a better place

What if all my pants are stripey. Does that make me boring?

Long-Suffering Wife spreads laundry all over the bed.
Neil folds his pants into the drawer Marie Kondo style.

NEIL
All my pants are striped.

LSW
(defensive)
It was a hot wash.

NEIL
No -- I mean, my pants. They’re all stripey.

LSW
You just noticed this.

NEIL
Am I boring?

LSW
I don’t think it’s your pants.

NEIL
I’m serious. I can’t believe all my pants are exactly the same.
Stripey.

LSW
So, these are the ones that spark joy?

NEIL
What does that say about me?

LSW
You don’t want spotty ones. Or cartoons. Or anything with words on.

NEIL
What else is there?

LSW
Plain?

NEIL
That’s boring too.

LSW
You like the pants that you wear every day.

NEIL
I only kept the pants that I like-- Love.

LSW
So it means you have no best pants.

NEIL
All of these are my best pants.
That’s my problem.

LSW
Some people only have one pair of best pants.

NEIL
And they probably never even wear them.

LSW
You should wear your best pants every day.

NEIL
Maybe I can draw on them.


Previous post...
What if someone is up my bumper so I just stop the car? #PowerDaydream


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Wednesday, 21 March 2018

What if someone is up my bumper so I just stop the car? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if someone is up my bumper so I just stop the car?

Night time. Neil and Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) are in the car on the A272.
The kids are in the back.

NEIL
He is right up my bum.

The kids giggle.

NEIL
Wherever I go...

REAR VIEW MIRROR: Headlights up the rear bumper.

NEIL
I am always in the way.

LSW
Why not stop the car.

NEIL
Stop the car?

LSW
Stop the car.

NEIL
Here?

LSW
Your driving’s annoying him anyway.

Neil safely brings the car to a complete stop.

NEIL
He doesn’t know what to do.

The Peugeot waits behind.

LSW
So do nothing.

The Peugeot screeches round him with the driver leaning yelling abuse as he speeds off.

LSW
Byeeee.

NEIL
See ya.
(flashing lights like a 3 year old)
Eh - eh.

LSW
No, that’s not how it--

The Peugeot stops dead.

NEIL
Huh. Sorry.
(they're stuck)
Ugh.

Neil pulls in so the confused drivers now pulling up behind him edge round and block in the Peugeot.

LSW
You just can’t help yourself can you.

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Can we go home now?

NEIL
In a minute.

LSW
Daddy’s just annoying somebody.

NEIL
Look, they’re annoyed at him now.

Neil turns round to the back of the car for this pearl.

NEIL
Kids, always always always quit while you’re ahead.

6 YEAR OLD
Or get a lift from someone else.


Previous post...
What if I teach my kids the true meaning of Mothers Day. #PowerDaydream


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Wednesday, 14 March 2018

What if I teach my kids the true meaning of Mothers Day. #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place and this is what I overthunk today:

What if I teach my kids the true meaning of Mothers Day.

In the bedroom with LONG-SUFFERING WIFE and 8 YEAR OLD SON.

LSW
You remembered!

SON
Happy Mothers Day!

LSW
These are lovely...

SON
We went to Tesco.
But the only ones left there were 30 quid.
So we didn’t get them there.

LSW
Thank you.

SON
So we drove to Lidl and got these ones.
And look there’s a plastic bird in the middle of them.

LSW
That’s what it is.

SON
These were 6 pounds instead.

NEIL
(LIMP)
Yay. You remembered...


Previous post...
What if my Non-Disclosure Agreement is so Top Secret that it doesn’t even exist? #PowerDaydream


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Tuesday, 13 March 2018

What if my Non-Disclosure Agreement is so Top Secret that it doesn’t even exist? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if my Non-Disclosure Agreement is so Top Secret that it doesn’t even exist?

NEIL is in the car with his LONG-SUFFERING WIFE (LSW)

NEIL
When I write for someone else I have to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.
An NDA.
It means that I can’t tell anyone that I am doing the work.
It keeps my work for them Top Secret.

But telling people about what I am doing is how I get the work in the first place.

So I get paranoid that I won’t get any new work because I’m not allowed to talk about the work that I’m doing.

So what if - to break this cycle - I start talking about Top Secret work that doesn’t actually exist. No-one can call me out on it.

What if I made up a job description that’s completely Top Dog.

No, I’d make it more plausible - second dog.

Yeah, that’s better. It’d also mean that I’m part of a fake push to make that fake number 2 company Number 1 in my fake job.

But what if I do so really well in this fake job that I end up challenging the fake hierarchy and fake resign. Because I’m not being fake recognised for doing such brilliant fake work at this company whose fake future rests on my fake Top Secret contribution?

That wouldn’t look good at all.
Because now I’d have 2 fake jobs in such a short fake space of time.

I wouldn’t resign from the made up job.
I think I’d fake staying in the fake position.

LSW
Wow. The fake marketplace is tough.


Previous post...
What if we spray stuff Gold to sell online? #POWERDAYDREAM


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Monday, 12 March 2018

What if we spray stuff Gold to sell online? #POWERDAYDREAM



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place

What if we spray stuff Gold to sell online?

Neil walks in on the 8 year-old watching Knight Rider.

8 YEAR OLD
Can we spray the Lego now?

NEIL
We can’t use a whole can just spraying Lego.

8 YEAR OLD
Why not?

NEIL
There must be other things we can spray gold to sell...

Neil lightbulbs and tosses over a sharpie and pad.

NEIL
I know. This’ll be creative. Can you write out 10 other things we can spray gold?

8 YEAR OLD
(HUFF NOISE)

CAPTION: 40 SECONDS LATER.

The scrunched list bounces off Neil’s head.

8 YEAR OLD
There you go. Ten.

NEIL
(UNWRAPPING) Hang on, wait...
(READS)
Lego.
Pen.
Pencil.
Paper.
-- Really pushing yourself.
Card.
(THEN)
A mouse.
A ball.
Mirror.
Toilet seat.
Potty.

Neil stares out the 8 Year Old.

NEIL
This is... genius.

8 YEAR OLD
I know.

He walks off.

NEIL
A golden potty.
That’s brilliant.

8 YEAR OLD
(NEXT DOOR)
You owe me half.


Previous post...
What if our Nutribullet just doesn’t like our soup? #PowerDaydream


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Thursday, 8 March 2018

What if our Nutribullet just doesn’t like our soup? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place.

What if our Nutribullet just doesn’t like our soup?


Neil is in the kitchen (again) with Long-Suffering Wife (LSW).

NEIL
Don’t get mad at me.

LSW’s point of view: Soup is everywhere.

All over the counter.
All over the unused gadgets.
All up the walls.
All over Neil.
The Nutribullet is sat in the middle, dripping in it.

LSW
Did you put the lid on.

NEIL
YES. I was only trying to blend the soup.

LSW
I don’t think you’re meant to use hot--

NEIL
It doesn’t say you can’t.

LSW
No. Except on the Nutribullet.

NEIL
I didn’t see that.

LSW
Or here. On the cup. And the base.

NEIL
Well why do they give you a metal thermal cup then.

LSW
To keep things cold. What was it?

NEIL
Leek and potato.

LSW
With extra counter.


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What if my son is finally ready to learn the facts of life. That you don’t talk about them in public. #PowerDaydream


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Wednesday, 7 March 2018

What if my son is finally ready to learn the facts of life. That you don’t talk about them in public. #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place:

What if my son is finally ready to learn the facts of life. That you don’t talk about them in public.

Neil is in the kitchen with his Long-Suffering Wife (LSW).

LSW
I think he’s ready. To find out about that kind of stuff. Everything.

NEIL
I didn’t tell you about what happened last Summer.
We were in the queue at the station. It was packed - the ticket office - really long line...
And he goes, really loudly:
“Daddy... Your willy has gone all big!”
(OFF LSW)
But it hadn’t.
It was just my shorts.

LSW
The chunky cream ones.

NEIL
Right. The tan ones. The fabric’s really thick so, you know, they bulge there.
“Daddy - your willy’s gone all big.”

LSW
And?
(OFF NEIL)
What did you say?

NEIL
I can’t remember. I don’t want to remember.
So now I’m stuck.
If I deny it, it looks like I’m lying, and covering it up.

LSW
But if you don’t say anything...

NEIL
It means I’ve got a hard on in the train queue.
In front of my kid.

LSW
You do like trains though.

NEIL
It was the shorts.

LSW
So that’s what you said.

NEIL
I think so. I would’ve said something.

LSW
And then looked like you’re completely covering it up.

NEIL
We’ve got to tell him. I think he’s ready.

LSW
I’m not sure more information’s going to help this.

NEIL
Neither am I. Maybe we could just... tell him absolutely everything.
Overwhelm him into silence.

LSW
Like everyone in the station.


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What if I get the doorbell that rings on my phone wherever I am in the world? #PowerDaydream


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Thursday, 1 March 2018

What if I get the doorbell that rings on my phone wherever I am in the world? #PowerDaydream



I overthink everything to make the world a happier place and this is what I overthunk today:

What if I got one of those video doorbells that rings on your phone wherever you are in the world?

It’s a doorbell with a camera so you can see who’s on your doorstep when you’re not there.

This combines my twin loves of spending money and staring out of the window.

What I love about it is that it finally makes my doorstep one more place of fear.

It’s to protect my house, but it costs 150 quid, so now they can just steal the overpriced doorbell.

Better than that - the thief can call me from anywhere in the world.
“Ding dong! Hello. Yeah. Still got it.”

But I hate answering the door.
It’s like I never get there quick enough, so this doorbell link would mean I could stall them while I saunter over... instead of doing that thing where I make a lot of noise getting there so they don’t leave a card.

Be awful if it’s some police officer trying to bring me tragic news.
And I’m just there bellowing back from my app while I’m on the toilet.
"Car crash? Hang on... gnnnn."

And I'm so cheap, I'd probably end up using it as our family camera.
"Smile everybody! Ding dong!"

I think it works by linking to our Wi-Fi, but I’m not sure about putting our house on the web.
I've got the fridge on Youtube doing unboxing videos.
All our food’s going off.
The central heating's trashed my upgrades on Toon Blast.
And the toaster’s trolling me on Linkedin.
I don't care what it says on the profile.
It's not a "Thought Leader".


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What if I change all President Donald Trump tweet exclamations into question marks? (And 9 other major improvements for happiness) #PowerDaydream


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