Monday, 24 September 2018
What if I'm not actually properly married? #WeAreTheProblems
I overthink everything to make the world a happier place
What if I'm not actually properly married?
I realised last week that I might not actually be definitely married.
I love my Long-Suffering Wife, but my heart did a proper leap.
This was really exciting.
Like when she gets a haircut, and it makes her look like somebody else.
(And then I get blamed for complimenting it).
Anyway, we're getting married in this Registry Office.
A place that reminds you of the deep commitment you're about to make to...
But I'm not sure I fully understood all of the certification.
This is the biggest dedication in my life.
Isn't that enough?
Because now I've got to "give notice" to the Council.
They can’t cope with potholes and alternating wheeliebins...
No please, come get involved in our lifelong passionate romantic commitment.
You're good at one-way systems.
I’m sure you’ll make it work.
On the county website they say it's to
"publicly display the notice for a 28 day period."
Like we're parking ourselves on each other.
We've got to get the right permit.
I guess it's from the days where somebody - somebody who's been checking the publicly displayed notices...
They can then "object"... because they know that you're already married.
How can you go through life knowing you objected to somebody's wedding?
Most people are worried about wearing the right shoes, or sitting in the right place.
Can you imagine adding an objection to that as well?
And how did THEY get an invite anyway?
If you managed to get an Objector into your own wedding, I don’t think you deserve to get married.
And you know it's not easy getting the council to give you the "notice" in the first place.
You've got to have an address...
I think that’s to crack down on that whole Homeless People Getting Married problem.
And you've got to bring 2 current utility bills to prove it...
That's why they say you shouldn't live together before you're married.
It is impossible to get 4 separate utility bills in two different names.
But I know I am a hopeless romantic.
As in, I am hopeless at being romantic.
But wouldn't it be great to get your Marriage Notice revoked?
To be so bad at being a couple that they actually take it away from you?
And then we'd be like all on the run... as a pair of engaged renegades.
Showing up at Civic Centres and County Halls.
Without the proper documentation.
"Do you take Neil to be your Lawless Loose Cannon?"
So it's our Wedding Day.
And there's this part of the ceremony where two Witnesses have to sign the Register.
In pen and ink.
And I think this is where I went slightly wrong.
We wanted to involve my profoundly disabled Mum.
First we had to break her out of the maximum security nursing home...
Turns out you just press the green button next to the door.
But she was really immobile - with Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.
It's Multiple because one sclerosis is never enough.
But she was well up for it.
And at the signing of the register, I wheel her over to the table.
And I put the pen in her hand.
And she gives me this big smile.
And she pulls her body - her MS riddled body - over to one side to get closer to me.
And I lean in, because she probably wants to say something lovely.
Maybe a poignant piece of wisdom.
Or some advice to her son.
And she whispers.
"I can't hold the pen."
So I put my hand on hers.
To grip it.
And then she giggles.
"I can't move my arm either."
And I'm looking around but nobody can see this.
And I have no idea what to do.
And everybody's waiting for this thing to get signed.
So then I start guiding her hand.
Totally making up a completely fake signature.
Trying to remember all those times I watched her scrawling on cheques and card receipts.
For stuff that I’m waiting for with no patience whatsoever.
And there it was.
All over the Wedding Register.
In only remembered this last week.
And without missing a beat my Dad goes "That means you're not married! You can get out of it!"
And then without another breath "Oh no but I really like this one!"
He was so conflicted.
Just like my documentation.
But you know what?
I think Weddings are all about having old things around us.
Old cars, old dresses, old relatives.
And sometimes, just sometimes we've got to accept that they just don't work.
Plus maybe I shouldn’t’ve signed it “Booooyah!”
With eight exclamation marks.
Try my new book!
What if I always think I've always given myself a stroke? And not in the good way. #WeAreTheProblems
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