Friday, 30 June 2017

LIVE LIKE A 6 YEAR OLD. My new mindfulness course. #DadDirt

You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
... you're still looking for ways to work with your kids.

I’m in the kitchen with my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) waiting for my coconut milk to microwave.

You should release one. Make a mindfulness relaxation tape.

Me. With my voice.

(genuine) Yes. It fits in with you wanting to help people being happier.

So... it’s a funny mindfulness meditation practice?

No, it’s a proper one.

But I know nothing about how to do that. Our daughter knows the words better than me (improv mindfulness track) “Now, finding yourself in a position on the floor or straight-backed chair...”

Hey, she could record one too.

(lightbulb) No - that’s it! It’s her course to being happy.
I’ll get her to record a mindfulness meditation.
Who wouldn’t want a 6 year old telling them how to be happy.

It’s downhill from seven.

Right. It’s the optimum age.
I’ve read them all. Choose Yourself, The 4-hour Work Week, The Power of Asking...

And she’d--

...Unleashing The Giant Within, Show Your Work, Strengths Finder, Finding The Flow...

And she’d have the “daily routine”.
“5:45, wake up, go into Mummy and Daddy’s Check if they’re awake. Go downstairs. Turn the internet on. Open the freezer. Steal the Mini-Magnums.

That’s just like Tony Robbins’ morning freezing plunge pool...

Daddy says I should stop watching TV and “be more creative”.
So I coloured in my Lego Friends duvet cover.

“You’ve destroyed the duvet cover!”
“Destroyed? Or made better?”

Jazz up a jaded kitchen by colouring in the tiles.

Keep inanimate objects as pets.

Here, I’ve made a fabric crab cage using the hair washing jug, 2 flannels and some bathwater.

Aww man, I’m such a Mr. Toad.
This is my new thing.
I don’t know what to call it...
Mindful Like A 6 Year Old?
Unleash Your 6 Year Old Self?
Your 6 Year Old Self Plan?

What do you think?

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There’s a bird dying in our garden #DadDirt

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Wednesday, 28 June 2017

It’s not a blob of cream on my top lip, it’s a scar. Honest. #DaddyWrong

You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...your own Dad spots what you look like.

Brighton. I'm at a beach front coffee stand with my mate Dan.

You've got something on your top lip.

I give it a wipe.

No, it's still there.

Oh, no, I think I know what that is...

(demos) Just, down a bit, there.

Sorry, it's a scar.

Oh God, no, I'm sorry. How terrible.

No, here's the thing, you cared enough to say.

(laughs) Yeah, cared enough to say clean up your face... but it's a permanent disfigurement. It's not er... hare lip though, is it? Oh you shouldn't use that word should you.

I got it in the Boris bike crash 5 years ago, and you know what...
I think only one other person has ever mentioned it.

FLASHBACK: Me and Dad in his flat in suits.

(pointing to lip) You've got a bit of thing there - on your lip - just under your nose.

It's a scar.

No, just there.
(rubbing my top lip)
It looks like a bit of food.
I'll get it.

No, really, it's a scar - from the Boris Bike crash.

God, I'd never noticed that before. Oh. Sorry son.
It looks like er... you know, a hare lip... You can't call it that - whatdycall it?

Back with Dan, on the beach, with coffee.

Only my Dad has ever said something about it.
Honest. I'm honoured you'd even notice it.

Ahhh, I feel so bad.

I do need a tissue though.

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My new kids scary story. Daddy vs Energy Company Evil Magic Numbers #DaddyWrong

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Tuesday, 27 June 2017

My new kids scary story. Daddy vs Energy Company Evil Magic Numbers #DadDirt

You know that you are a Great British Dad when... start making up your own scary nighttime stories.

I’m sitting on my 6 year-old daughter's bed, at reading time, with a pile of rejected books.

No. I want a story that scares adults.

I pull out a letter.

Okay. This is the kind of stuff you’ll read when you’re older.

"Once upon a time, Daddy received a letter from the energy company.
It’s the company we choose to pay for our gas and electricity.

Are there lots of companies?

Oh no. Only a few. They like it that way.

Do they have different gas and electricity?

No, not really.
It’s exactly the same gas and electricity that comes into the house.

Anyway, Daddy thought he is very good at fighting the evil Energy Company.

They try to steal his money all the time by charging a lot more for the same gas and electricity each month, even though it’s exactly the same house, and people.
And gas.
And electricity.

They must really love the money.

And they need to rinse as much as possible from us.

That's not very nice.

No, it’s not their fault.
It’s just the way they are.
They spend a lot of money to get us to think that they are nice.

Like a witch in a mask?

Yes! Exactly like a witch.
A witch wearing lots of leaflets and emails and adverts on TV.

We fast-forward through those.

We do.
And this is why they do evil magic like this.
This one says that our Duel-Fuel tarriff ends next month and we must act NOW!


(LAUGHS) They make it sound urgent so they look kind about warning us about something.

But it’s about... the danger that they want more money?

They’re warning us that they are doing something not nice, so, we feel glad that they’re warning us.

That doesn’t make any sense.

I know it doesn't.
Now, all of this evil magic relies on us getting bored.

Whatever you do - don’t fall asleep - or they will take as much money as they can...

DAUGHTER pulls the covers up a little tighter.

Don’t fall asleep!
So first, the Evil Energy Company send this letter to say that our tariff is ending next month...

And we must act NOW!

Right, and if we don’t - this is the magic bit - our tariff becomes the highest tariff in the Kingdom.

What is the highest tariff in the Kingdom?

23 pence per unit for gas and electricity.

I don’t know what a unit of gas or electricity is.

No-one does!
That’s the first trick to get you to fall asleep.
Don't fall asleep.

Why don’t you just move to a company that’s not evil?

I did.
They all start off looking good, so then you fall asleep and then they come and take your money.

(giggle) Don’t take my money!

All you need to know is that you spend 12p per bit of electricity, and next month it will be double.

I know what DOUBLE is.

Right. It means your money is worth half as much.
So they say "give them a call or go online to get the best price".

Why don’t they just offer us the best price?

You’re drifting - stay focused - they want you to drift.
You’re not getting the best price, so go online.

What about Granddad, he’s not very good at that.

(energy company voice)
“Old people are weak and have got too much money.
If they can’t work this out, it’s their fault for being weak and having money.”

DAUGHTER pulls up the covers some more.

So Brave Daddy went online, and found their very best tariff.

Hurray! The cheapest one!

Yes. But. Here’s the thing.
The cheapest one has gone up from 12p to 15p per bit of electricity.

That’s not much.

That's what they want you to think.
Don’t fall asleep.
We spend over a thousand pounds on this, so we’ve just lost over 200 quid.

Is quid the same as pounds.

Yes. Daddy thinks it makes him sound more interesting.

200 quids is a lot of our money.

And it’s even more than that, but stay awake - that’s not the evil magic - look!

I pull out a laptop with the energy company “find the cheapest tariff” page.

They say they’re saving you money.

I know!

But we just lost over 200 quids.

I know - don't fall asleep!
Look harder and try to work out how we’ve lost over 200 quids.

It says you’ve saved your household £157 per year, that’s good, no?

But I haven't.
The price has gone up.
Don’t - fall - asleep.

It says it’s best to change it now so you can start saving money right away.

Eyes - Wide - Open.

But how is it "saving" if the price has gone up?

Keep going - don’t fall asleep...

The costs have gone up, how come you’re saving money?

I know you can do this.

I don’t think I can. It’s very late Daddy.

Don’t fall asleep on me.

I'm really tired. This is boring.

I’m losing you, stick with it honey.

I’ll see you in the morning.

She snuggles under the covers.

Don’t go, baby.

I love you.

She’s fast asleep.
I cradle her head.

(hushed) The "saving" is based on the made-up expensive tariff they’re moving us onto next month.

She snores.

(in her sleep) They’re not savings at all.
They just put our cheapest tariff up by 20%.

I hug her floppy body.

I love you.

Previous post...
Umbrellas for Under 11s do the opposite of what you want and 148-154 other bits of #DadDirt

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Sunday, 25 June 2017

Umbrellas for Under 11s do the opposite of what you want and 148-154 other bits of #DadDirt

Thoughts, ideas and dreams for this week.

Monday 26 June
Umbrellas for Under 11's do the opposite of what you want.

Tuesday 27 June
I try to avoid news about terrible things like Terry and Thingy from the Likely Lads avoid hearing that football score.

Wednesday 28 June
Inset Day is based on a pagan festival where we would buy shoes and sit in cars.

Thursday 29 June
Think of it less as a Final Demand, and more of an extra Utility Bill for the next company.

Friday 30 June
At some stage, being late for the party is worse than not having that gift you're driving around for.

Saturday 1 July
The deepest and heaviest question about your relationship, is always best asked in that moment just before you’re going to sleep.

Sunday 2 July
Letting the other person win is the biggest curse you can put on them.

Previous post...
The other sticker album I havent yet finished #DadDirt

I keep 365 Days (a whole year's worth) of Dad Dirt right here.

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Friday, 23 June 2017

The other sticker album I havent yet finished #DadDirt

My son is "not happy" about my Lego Sainsburys Create The World album card shortfall "solution".

My one at this age was a Panini Football Album.

Pete Middleditch had a pile of swaps so thick, he couldn’t get his hand round to hold it.

It had a rubber band in the middle, and he’d flick them - the duhduhduhduhduhduhduh would go on forever.

Loads of badges in there too.
They’re the silver stickers with the playground rule “they’re worth 2 normals”.

I didn’t have a clue about the hairy teams on them.
I just wanted to be part of it.

My parents couldn’t afford for me to get too many doubles, but they were probably earning the same as the players on them.

But almost as part of the compulsion to not complete that one, here’s the full lineup of the Lego Sainsburys Create The World cards.

I know I’ll be looking for it as a list some day.

Or someone else will.

And I don’t want the crossing my fingers at the checkout hoping it rolls over to a round £10 to qualify for another pack.

Because that’s how we earn our kids’ pride in 2017.

By running back to the juice aisle to knock the £38.75 subtotal over the 40 quid mark.


So it’s completely so that we get to do kid-like things again too.

001 Lily

002 Sam

003 Janitor

004 Rapper

005 Carpenter

006 Wacky Witch

007 Windmill (silver)

008 Sleepyhead

009 Cave Woman

010 Alien Avenger

011 Boxer

012 Ocean King

013 Routemaster

014 Baseball Player

015 Moose (silver)

016 Holiday Elf

017 Kimono Girl

018 Fortune Teller

019 Ibex (no, I have no idea what an Ibex is either...)

020 Snowboarder

021 Tennis Player

022 Tree (silver)

023 Plumber

024 Surfer Girl

025 Lighthouse (silver)

026 Tiger Woman

027 Fitness Instructor

028 Butcher

029 Yeti

030 Flamenco Dancer

031 Letters (silver)

032 Explorer

033 Chameleon (silver)

034 Alien Villainess

035 Ringmaster

036 Gnome

037 Sand Castle (silver)

038 Spooky Girl

039 Hot Dog Man

040 Lizard Man

041 Race Car Driver

042 Weightlifter

043 Off-Roader

044 Chicken Suit Guy

045 Waiter

046 Mountain Climber

047 Skier

048 Disco Diva

049 Monkey (silver)

050 Welder

051 Square Foot

052 Banana Guy

053 Mermaid

054 Sea Captain

055 Dragon (silver)

056 Diner Waitress

057 Ghost House (silver)

058 Vampire Bat

059 Decorator

060 Pizza Delivery Man

061 Skyline (silver)

062 Unicorn Girl

063 Frightening Knight

064 Businessman

065 Jewel Thief

066 Sad Clown

067 Panda (silver)

068 Hollywood Starlet

069 Gangster

070 Water Lily Flower (silver)

071 Nurse

072 Asian House (silver)

073 Hot Air Balloon (silver)

074 Rock Star

075 Bagpiper

076 Shark Guy

077 Evil Dwarf

078 Santa

079 Koala (silver)

080 Artist

081 Mummy

082 Heroic Knight

083 Island (silver)

084 Crazy Scientist

085 Wolf Guy

086 Bumblebee Girl

087 Submarine (silver)

088 Skeleton Guy

089 Alien Trooper

090 Grandma

091 Kangaroo (silver)

092 Queen

093 Cowgirl

094 Robot (silver)

095 Deep Sea Diver

096 Snowmobile (silver)

097 Polar Bear (silver)

098 Skater Girl

099 Trendsetter

100 Paintball Player

101 Small Clown

102 Fisherman

103 Toucan (silver)

104 Clumsy Guy

105 Gingerbread Man

106 Hotel (silver)

107 Plane (silver)

108 Hippie

109 Traffic Cop

110 Grandpa

111 Dinosaur (silver)

112 Fairy Tale Princess

113 Parrot (silver)

114 Spider Lady

115 Mechanic

116 Gargoyle

117 Saxophone Player

118 Lady Robot

119 Farmer

120 Mime

121 Hot Dog Stand (silver)

122 Medusa

123 Prospector

124 Leprechan

125 DJ

126 Statue of Liberty (silver)

127 Spaceship (silver)

128 Lady Cyclops

129 Thespian

130 Snake Charmer

131 Piggy Guy

132 Bride

133 Bear (silver)

134 Plant Monster

135 Motorboat (silver)

136 Pirate Captain

137 Hula Dancer

138 Ancient Ship (silver)

139 Lily (again)

140 Sam (again)

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How my Mum would tell them it’s late. Again. #DadDirt

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