Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Data gathering by big companies will slander my Wife for having a pointy head #BritishDadStuff



You know you are a Great British Dad when...
...you treat yourself to the next episode of the box set that is your Wife’s dreams.


(NB guess this is the sequel to her being-boxed-in-our-sideways-house nightmare)

INT. OUR BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

DAUGHTER is performing a puppet show at the end of the bed with all her soft toys and an American accent.

My LONG-SUFFERING WIFE turns to me with her “WICKED - the Musical” mug of tea (that she made for herself).

LSW:
You know all that data the companies are gathering on us? I had a dream last night that some cosmetics company had it on their file that I had a pointy head.

ANGLE ON: Me. I have nowhere to go with this.
With my “I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS” mug of tea. (That she made for me).

LSW:
And I found out because I went to another cosmetics company, and they said that I couldn’t have their product because I have a pointy head. And I’m telling them that I don’t have a pointy head, but I’m in their system as having a pointy head so I can’t have the product. And then I said, look, you can see that I don’t have a pointy head, but that wasn’t good enough. So I had to provide photographic proof that my head isn’t pointy, and when they get that, they changed my details to say that I don’t have a pointy head.

ME:
Did you get the product.

LSW:
Yes.

ME:
That’s brilliant. Can I write that down?

LSW:
Okay.

ME:
If I publish it, then it’s out there that your head isn’t pointy.

LSW:
That’s okay.

ME:
I’m just data-gathering.


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Monday, 27 February 2017

Its at times like this I think, what would the women from the Blurred Lines video do? and other British Dad Thoughts 99-105 #BritishDadStuff



February is way too short.

Here's the things I'll get in my head this week.


Monday 27th February
Found out we left the slow cooker on for a fortnight.
Luckily, my rage picks up right from where it left off.

Tuesday 28th February
Riddled is the most disgusting word in the English Language.
Cancer, bullets, maggots.
I don't know who Riddle is, but feel sorry for him.

Wednesday 1st March
Wife Wisdom: You can tell how cheap a knife is by how many times you cut yourself.

Thursday 2nd March
Chilli. Lasagne. Cottage Pie.
These are all great ways to ruin a Bolognese.

Friday 3rd March
As with all Dads, my favourite moment in Frozen is when Ana shouts "I want you to take me up the North Mountain."

Saturday 4th March
Do Prison Vans have seat belts.
Be awful if they're breaking the law in there.

Sunday 5th March
It's at times like this that I think, "what would the women from the Blurred Lines video do?"



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Facebook is as good for us as going down the pub #BritishDadStuff


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Friday, 17 February 2017

Facebook is as good for us as going down the pub #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you can't call time on the smartphone.


I'm glad I didn't indulge in Facebook today.
You can't have one little drink.
You end up with the same as getting drunk.

Just one more post, one more comment.
Take the edge off the day.
Even at lunchtime during work.

And we're here either getting merry or starting fights.
You know there are grifters, so watch your stuff, it sometimes gets nicked.

And all of it - all of it - is avoiding going home.
Going out on a limb or all the other things that might not work.
And you can reassure yourself, or better, get reassured that this what you do.
Because everyone else is here too.

Just one more.
Then, really, I've gotta get going.


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Our lawn is permanently brown. Its arsetroturf. And other Great British Dad thoughts 92-98


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