Monday, 1 October 2018
I overthink everything to make the world a happier place
What if Im not ready to explain the Facts Of Life to my kids?
One of our kids is now old enough for The Facts Of Life.
But I am not.
I get any of this wrong, the future of my family's very existence on this planet now rests on whatever I manage to mumble.
It's funny, and it's probably always been this way, but I didn't realise how close the Facts of Life chat comes to the Santa chat.
Maybe I’m supposed to join them up.
That’s some messed up story time.
"No, son... he’s not guided by a red nose..."
Plus I don't even know where to start.
And then when I do start, I’ve got no idea where to stop.
My “where babies come from” veered more towards “Daddy bragging about life before Mummy”.
Why can't I get this over quickly and and just turn off the filter on Google?
They'd be up to speed in seconds.
But this is the one thing I don't want my kids to learn through free online videos.
The Government are full of it about education targets.
This is literally the most important thing they can learn.
And school is staying well clear of it.
For at least another 5 years.
Just to make sure it’s completely my job.
Then, well after everyone is embarrassed by everything,
They’ll swoop in with some kind of lazy recap.
No really, Year 7 and 8 trigonometry must’ve been very important.
Way more urgent than, I don’t know... my DNA reaching the next generation.
So I tried to explain it in terms he’d understand.
"It's a bit like a game of Fortnite."
"You've got 6 minutes to get to the middle without getting knocked out."
It’s called the Facts Of Life, but I didn’t realise till I started:
There's all this opinion and technique on top.
And correct words.
Lots and lots of correct words.
But you’ve also got to use all the wrong ones too.
And I don't know if my wrong ones are wrong enough.
Or too wrong.
I can’t do it all in one go.
So I'm telling it in installments.
Putting in little cliffhangers here and there, to make it look like a good story.
Rather than the embarrassing abject horror they’ll actually face.
But it’s just me buying myself some extra time.
And then I can't remember where I left off.
It’s like I’m acting like a Grandad already.
Try my new book!
What if I want to change the world, but I am the World’s Biggest Daydreamer #PowerDaydream
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