Thursday, 2 August 2018
I overthink everything to make the world a happier place
What if I'm never ready for the next National Crisis?
I spend way too long thinking about stockpiling.
In case there is ever a National Crisis.
I don’t think I am the only man who does.
But I don’t know for sure, because men never ever talk to each other about the things we secretly store.
Because that ruins our competitive advantage.
There might possibly be a National Crisis coming up.
And I don’t think I’ve got my family ready for it yet.
As a Dad - this is literally my one biological job.
To get food and supplies so that my generation of DNA can survive and succeed long enough to get into the next generation.
But my National Emergency stockpile at the moment is 2 big bottles of water, and 6 tins of paint.
I admit it.
My contingency planning is swayed somewhat by "Buy One Get One Free".
In my defence, it’s emulsion.
So at least I can thin the paint out to make it go a bit further.
I’ve got a problem with the food though.
Because my family keeps eating my stockpile.
Which is exactly what it's there for.
But there's no National Crisis yet.
Also as a committed snowflake, I am really picky.
So the panic buying is taking a lot longer than I’d planned.
We all know the next National Crisis will be the worst we've ever seen.
Will we run out of coconut oil? Leads for the video? Printer toner?
My family will be so grateful that I’ve got those covered when we hit Day 41.
And it's great that we never know how long a National Crisis will last.
It'll be like a National Holiday.
The supermarkets will find a way to cash in.
With empty shelves in the "seasonal" aisle.
I'm gonna get my panic-buying home delivered.
I think it'll still get packed into the crates.
But arrive mainly through our windows.
I need to buy a lot of food that's processed and will last forever.
Basically it'll be like eating in the cinema for a month.
Or 1500 trailers.
My family will also have to rely on me growing all our own food.
Which at the moment is essentially blue mould in the bread bin.
The predictions are that fresh supplies will be blocked in Calais.
My plan is to take a really long day trip there and take a really long time coming back.
My Long-Suffering Wife thinks that’s a stupid idea.
But she’s looking forward to the shortages, because finally we'll stop making a mess in the kitchen.
What if the bucket man on my doorstep is a burglar? #WeAreTheProblems
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