Sunday, 26 November 2017

When you try to avoid Shoe Shop Guilt... Just try it. You can't. #DadDirt



Saturday afternoon shop chaos.
MUM is with her 6 year old daughter - finally catching the attention from twenty-something SHOE SHOP GIRL.

MUM
Hi, thanks, I need a pair for my daughter.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
They come with flashing lights, badges, stickers or a toy--

MUM
I know and I don't care.
I just want to buy one pair of shoes, that don't come with any guilt.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
You want to buy shoes. Here.
Without the guilt that comes with buying shoes here.

MUM
I know it's a long shot.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
And they're for school

MUM
(sigh)
One week before the end of term.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So there's no way out of this.

MUM
No guilt.
I know that it can be done.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
And you're saying that while I've got this right here.

CLUNK CLUNK. She cocks the foot measuring machine in front of Mum's face.

MUM
Keep it coming--

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So you want no guilt, while I use this unnecessarily huge contraption... that records in three dimensions...

MUM
I'm ready for it.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
Length, width and height of the feet of the child that came from your womb--

MUM
They're just shoes.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(to girl)
9G! Oh my, have you grown!
Because the shoes you're wearing are--

MUM
8F. I know.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
8F? Ffffff.
I'm measuring the other foot because they can be different sizes and we must make sure they don't harm your child's natural growth--

MUM
They'll last less than 3 months.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So we don't want to permanently disfigure them.

MUM
(Long pause)
They're the same?

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(Longer pause)
They're the same.
(putting shoes on the girl)
So let's try these on.

MUM
Are those certificates on the wall there yours?

SHOE SHOP GIRL
We are shoe experts.

MUM
I bet you've had a whole night's sleep.

The shoes are on the daughter.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
How does that feel?

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Good--

SHOE SHOP GIRL
Not you. Your mother.

MUM
You haven't even got any yoghurt down your top.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(perky, to daughter)
Do you want to try them out?

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Yes please.

THUNK.

She kicks the SHOE SHOP GIRL clean in the face.

MUM
(sigh)
They'll do.
(to daughter)
Come on, let's get some lunch.

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Something that completely destroys my teeth?

MUM
Yeah. You deserve it.


Previous post...
How to stop hiccupping (or hiccoughing) and how to make an infographic - Tips and Tricks for my Kids #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Friday, 24 November 2017

How to stop hiccupping (or hiccoughing) and how to make an infographic - Tips and Tricks for my Kids #DadDirt

I don't know why, but I wanted to make an infographic today.

So I made this at Visme.co (looks like a broken URL, I know...)
(Next time I'm going to try out Canva...
...or Piktochart...
...or Venngage

It's the start of Tips And Tricks For My Kids, where I share my entire life of wisdom... with my kids.

Page one, and we're storming...




Previous post...
Do You Like My New Hair? No, because it is a test that I will fail. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Thursday, 23 November 2017

Do You Like My New Hair? No, because it is a test that I will fail. #DadDirt



DAD crosses past MUM in the Hallway.

MUM
You haven’t noticed then.

DAD
Noticed what.

MUM
Or you don’t like it.

DAD
Oh wow. Your hair. It’s magnificent.
But I always say the wrong thing here.
So - let me make it 100 percent clear.
It is dynamite.
Impeccable.
Gorgeous.
I love your hair.

MUM
You do?

DAD
11 out of 10. Amazing. Fantastic. The best.

A moment.

MUM
So you didn’t like how it looked before.

DAD
No, I didn’t say--

MUM
You couldn’t find a good time to tell me.

DAD
No, what I mean is--

MUM
So you were hiding that you didn’t like how it used to look?

DAD
No, it’s just such a phenomenally spectacular new look--

MUM
You do know then, that it’s different.

DAD
Yes. Definitely. And it’s stunning.

MUM
And you like it because it makes me look different.
Like you’re with someone else.

DAD
Yes. No!

MUM
You want me to look like someone else.

DAD
I didn’t say that - I didn’t - what I mean to come across is...
etc. etc.

DEFOCUS TO HAIRSPRAY CAN IN FOREGROUND.

VOICEOVER
Long-lasting volume with perfect hold.
Satin touch by L’Oreal Paris.
Because the row is worth it.


Previous post...
Don’t ever want my girl to stop putting wellies on the wrong feet #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Don’t ever want my girl to stop putting wellies on the wrong feet #DadDirt



A 6 YEAR-OLD GIRL is putting on wellies in the hallway.
DAD is sat on a stair, watching.

DAD
Ugh.
This’ll take forever
Huh?
She usually puts them on the wrong way round.
But look at that.
The wellies are on the right feet.

I guess this is it.
The descent from here into womanhood.

Soon you’ll be interested in boys and secrets will be more important than anything else.

Our home will have no hold for you.
You’ll explore the world and will leave your mark on it.

But it’ll be a struggle.
Women will hack you down, and then there’s the men.
I’ve treated enough badly to know what you’ll face.
Difficult situations and wrong relationships.
Heartbreak and pain.
Will you have the resolve?
The strength and spirit to--

6 YEAR OLD GIRL
AY?! ARE YOU ALRIGHT DADDY?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Her coat is the wrong way round and the hood is over her head.

DAD
Oh, nothing.
We’re late.

He shuffles her out of the door, her coat still the wrong way round.

DAD
Don’t change a thing.

Previous post...
Visiting Santas Sexy Helper #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Visiting Santas Sexy Helper #DadDirt



The Store’s Christmas Grotto is about to open - a line of JADED DADS with KIDS wait for the rope barrier to be lifted.

They perk up when in crosses...

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Come closer everybody. Santa’s nearly here!

SANTA crosses in to take his seat in the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh. Santa’s here now.
After a whole year of waiting.
(to DAD and KID #1)
In you go.

They go into the curtained off Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
A whole year of waiting.
And there he is.
We haven’t seen him since the Grotto works party on December 24th.
But - here - he - is.

She sends in DAD and KID #2

SANTA (O.S.)
Is everything ho-ho-ho okay out there?

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh, yes. Everything’s just fine.

She sends in DAD and KID #3 in a huff.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I mean, why wouldn’t it be.
You didn’t call.
Because of all your important Santa business.

SANTA appeaers at the Grotto curtain door.
The line of kids and Dads cheers.

SANTA
Ho ho ho!
I ho ho don’t know what’s go, go, going on.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
No it’s fine. I’ve moved on from last year.

She pushes DAD #5 onto Santa’s grotto chair and sits on his lap.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
What would you like on the tree this year?

She jiggles about on the Dad.

SANTA
(on the side)
You’re ruining the Grotto for everybody.

ALL THE DADS
No - we’re fine/ Super okay with this/ You take all the time you need/ Can I go next?

DADS start tossing gifts to Santa’s Sexy Helper.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
You can’t have this, like last year.
Glad you didn’t call now?

SANTA
(to crowd)
Santa needs to check on Rudolph.
No, I don’t mean it like that.
Reindeer checking.
(to Santa’s Sexy Helper)
Round the back of the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh so now your memory’s coming back.

Santa’s Sexy Helper stomps in a huff round to the back of the grotto.

SANTA
It’s my first day - they said you’d be helping.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
You’re - not the same.

SANTA
Same as what?!
None of this is in the guide.

She holds Santa’s arms. Genuine.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I am so sorry. I’ve got completely the wrong guy.

SANTA
So we’re going back to the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I just need to know.
Are you going to the Christmas Party?
December 24th?

But Santa has gone.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I'll take that as a maybe.


Previous post...
Teaching my son to touch type. Is there any point? #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Monday, 20 November 2017

Teaching my son to touch type. Is there any point? #DadDirt



DAD is at a computer keyboard with his 8 year-old SON.

SON
I still don’t know why we’re doing this.

DAD
Son, if you can touch-type fast on a QWERTY keyboard... the world is yours.

SON
But Dad, can’t we just get a tablet?

DAD
No. Nothing of any use was swiped into a tablet.

SON
But why are you teaching me touch typing when I can just say “Okay Google... Siri... or Alexa? Why aren’t you teaching me touch speaking?

DAD
Nothing of any use was ever spoken into a gadget.

SON
What about Churchill’s wartime speeches. They--

DAD
(thwarted)
Yes. I get it. He said them--

SON
Into a microphone.

DAD
Ah, no, Churchill’s speeches were typed out for him to read.
Typed out on a keyboard.

SON
“Everything that’s any good has been typed.”

DAD
Always has been, always will be.
It’s the only way to get your message across.

SON
Okay. Let’s do some more speed typing.
(types)
You - cannot - afford - a - tablet - can - you.

DAD
No.

SON
(typing)
Because - you - are - still - typing - when - everyone - else - is - swiping - and - speaking - which - is - much - faster - and - you - wonder - if - this - is - why - everyone - will - always - earn - more - money - than - you.

DAD
That’s pretty much it.

SON
My speed’s gone up.


Previous post...
How to deal with sales cold calls. Reply to Every. Single. One. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

How to deal with sales cold calls. Reply to Every. Single. One. #DadDirt



DAD’S phone stops ringing. He’s glum.

DAD
(lightbulb)
I’d better reply to all these.
Every single one.

MONTAGE: DAD bashing furiously into his phone in various situations, in various rooms of the house. MUSIC.

DAD (VOICEOVER)
(typing)
I’m sorry I didn’t pickup your sales call just now.
I was beating my 6 year old son.
On a really tricky loom band design.

(typing)
I’m sorry I missed your sales cold call.
I was making a tea for my wife with the chipped mug, and gave her decaf without telling.

(typing)
Sorry... missed your sales call.
Transfixed by a pair of pigeons outside who are clearly gay and in love.

(typing)
...Was sniffing coconut milk in the fridge with no idea how you tell if it’s off.
Do you know?

(typing)
I was gazing in hushed awe at your Chief Exective and lost an entire day.

(typing)
I didn’t get to your sales call in time.
We were swimming with dolphins.
Not really.
Eating some toast.

(typing)
I was hyp-MO-TIZE by the light in the microwave.
Feel too prone for your marketing tactics.

(typing)
I picked up a Weetabix thinking it was the phone.
Lesson learned.

(typing)
Sorry I missed your sales call.
I was making sweet love with my angry wife.

(typing)
“Some lightning hit me on the bum.
Then it fell off.”
(This might have been written by the kids).

DAD high-fives his KIDS.
MUSIC ENDS.

Previous post...
Government wants my kids in school, but it won't feed them. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Friday, 17 November 2017

Government wants my kids in school, but it won't feed them. #DadDirt



Things in my head next week.

Monday 20 November
Government wants my kids in school, or a £1000 fine.
But it won’t feed them.

Tuesday 21 November
God help me. Why do I find crutches and plaster casts so damn hot.

Wednesday 22 November
This is how sexist I am.
I can’t name any billionaire women.

Thursday 23 November
Soft play centre: Heard a Mum call for her son, Lucan.
Lucan.
I think it was Mum and not the Nanny.

Friday 24 November
My struggle as a Dad is to have the kids be consumed rather than consuming.

Saturday 25 November
The only thing that damages my wedding ring is DIY.
I try not to think of it as a metaphor.

Sunday 26 November
Realising that tutting at parents for staring at their phones is time I could have spent with my kids.


Previous post...
Blob of come in the coffee shop #DadDirt


I keep 365 Days (a whole year's worth) of Dad Dirt right here.

Or you can follow me on Twitter here... Thanks.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Blob of come in the coffee shop #DadDirt




DAD comes out of the coffee shop toilets and walks through the tables to get back to MUM.

He sits down back at his table and MUM goes purple.

MUM
There’s a--

DAD wipes his cheek for crumbs.

MUM
No - down there.

DAD
It’s okay - I haven’t wet myself.

MUM
No - on your other leg.

DAD
Those sinks splash a lot.

MUM
You just walked through the entire shop with THAT on your leg.

DAD
What do you think it is?

MUM
On your leg - there’s a blob of come.

DAD
Huh.

MUM
What do you think they’ll think you were doing in there?

DAD
It’s just some soap.

MUM gets up to announce this to the shop.

MUM
Everybody! It’s just soap!
On his leg! It’s only soap.
It’s not a blob of come!

Silence. The coffee shop is in shock.

DAD
Thanks. What do I do now?

A MEMBER OF STAFF goes into the toilet carrying a BIG CONTAINER OF LIQUID SOAP.

MUM
See! New soap.

MUM gets up again, to announce.

MUM
Because he used the last of it up.
That’s proof that it’s just soap on his leg.
It’s not a blob of come!

The coffee shop is still silent. Cough.

DAD
You know, I could probably do with something to distract from this right now.

Click! The MEMBER OF STAFF leaves the bathroom.

MUM
Look! On his leg. There’s a blob of come!

Nothing.

MUM
I tried.


Previous post...
Me Vs The Sugar Cereal Box Monster. Thanks supermarkets. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Me Vs The Sugar Cereal Box Monster. Thanks supermarkets. #DadDirt



Kitchen table in full family breakfast chaos... DAD is in deep thought.

DAD
Every morning.
There you are.
What is your point?

REVEAL he’s staring at the CEREAL BOX:
A BIG DUMB GREEN CARTOON MONSTER, holding a bowl of “Rice Crackles”

DAD
Look at the state of it.
What makes you think you have a place at my table?

Is that it?
Is this what you evolved for?

Holding a bowl of “Rice Crackles”.
It’s not even a real cereal name.

But there you are, shoving them up at us with that big dumb toothy grin.
And you can’t even hold them - you’re just sort of hugging them...

MOVING EVER CLOSER BETWEEN DAD’S EYES AND THE GRINNING MONSTER ON THE BOX.



DAD
We know you’re not eating them.
The second ingredient is sugar.
The teeth you’ve got is because you don’t eat this filth.

You’re holding that bowl like you’re going to throw it in my face.
Blind me long enough to give you the advantage in your lizard-style attack.

In the meantime, there you are, grinning like a nonce.

You’ve been on this planet for millions of years to get those features.
What have they got you doing?

What is their game?
Am I supposed to be threatened on a primal level?
Are you a challenge?

I see your challenge.

You think you’re better than me.
But look at me.
Holding my spoon.
With my opposable thumb.

(switches spoon to other hand)
I can use either hand.
Look at my thumbs.
I can use them in your eye sockets - hard enough to release me from your wonky jaws.

And then I’ll use my thumb.
My lovely bendy thumb, to jam up in your single nostril.
While using my other hand to force feed your own Rice Crackles until you choke you abomination. How’s that for 200% GDA carbohydrates “of which sugars”--

MUM
Are you okay?

DAD
Yep. We're just fine.

He smiles, back in the land of breakfast.

Can’t help one final eyeflick to the box.


Previous post...
Thwarting the next explosion #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Thwarting the next explosion #DadDirt



A Gold-Command-style situation room.

Female POLICE CHIEF leans in for a closer look at a live CCTV feed as other female COMMANDERS gather round.

POLICE CHIEF
She’s headed for the supermarket.

CCTV zooms into track a menopausal mum, strutting towards the entrance.

POLICE COMMANDER 1
(on radio)
Send in teams 2, 7, and 9.

POLICE SWAT TEAMS in dark fatigues swarm as troops with helmets and shields... busting into fire entrances and staking out sniper positions.

POLICE COMMANDER 2
Do we evacuate?

POLICE CHIEF is torn. Ice cold, but everything is on her shoulders.

POLICE CHIEF
If we let it go ahead, we can contain it.

POLICE COMMANDER 1
If she goes off in the shopping centre...

POLICE COMMANDER 2
It’ll be in all directions.

POLICE CHIEF
(to herself)
Is she working alone?

POLICE COMMANDER 1
SHE’S GOING IN.

POLICE CHIEF
(into radio) Get me visuals. I need cover.

CCTV cameras flit to find teh woman at the checkout.

POLICE CHIEF
Shhhhh!

She turns up the volume to listen as the WOMAN explodes in rage at the customer in front of her.

WOMAN
EXCUSE ME. WE HAVEN’T GOT ALL DAY.
WE’RE WAITING FOR YOU.

POLICE CHIEF
Code Lavender.

POLICE COMMANDER 1
Go! Go, Go, Go, Go!

CUSTOMER
Sorry, I’m just--

WOMAN
THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.
IF YOU DON’T GET A MOVE ON--

POLICE SWAT TEAMS storm the checkout.

CUSTOMERS AND STAFF scream and flee.

POLICE SWAT 1
Cheer up, love. Get some perspective.

WOMAN
DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO THINK.

POLICE CHIEF grabs POLICE COMMANDER 1’S headset.

POLICE CHIEF
No! Abort! Team 2 - send in Team 2!

POLICE SWAT 2 barges to the front.

POLICE SWAT 2
Come and have a cuddle.

WOMAN
STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

POLICE CHIEF throws the headset in temper.

POLICE CHIEF
TNS - Where’s - the - T-N-S?!

POLICE COMMANDER 2
(into radio)
Deploy T-N-S. Repeat--

POLICE SWAT 3 steps foward - on eggshells.

POLICE SWAT 3
We understand--
Oooh look. Tea and cake.

REVEAL: SWAT TEAMS with china and pastries arranged on their shields as trays.

WOMAN
WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME?

POLICE SWAT 3
You’re absolutely right.
I’m so sorry.

SITUATION ROOM: POLICE CHIEF regains composure.

POLICE CHIEF
(into radio)
Send in the mags.

POLICE SWAT 3 winces on her earpiece.

POLICE SWAT 3
(with magazines on shields)
There’s Homes and Gardens... or some interior design ideas.

WOMAN starts crying.

WOMAN
You don’t understand.

SWAT TEAMS all nod with sympathy.

SWAT TEAMS
(in unison)
We know.

From a crouch position POLICE SWAT 4 bellows into a radio.

POLICE SWAT 4
Clear sight. CHAIR ONE, CHAIR TWO, CHAIR THREE--

Soft armchairs teamed into place round the checkout.

POLICE CHIEF
(off monitor)
Drop her. Drop her now.

The WOMAN falls onto the couch.

POLICE SWAT 4
Down! Target is down.

CHEERING and APPLAUSE and BACKSLAPS in the situation room.

POLICE CHIEF refuses to accept them.

POLICE CHIEF
Too close. That was too close.


Previous post...
Kids app developers. And what goes on in their heads #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Monday, 13 November 2017

Kids app developers. And what goes on in their heads #DadDirt



TAYLOR approaches TODD’S work space - ergonomic desk and balance ball chair.

TAYLOR
Hey Todd.

TODD is bashing code into his 3-screen computer.

TODD
HEY TAYLOR!

TAYLOR gestures to his tablet, worried.

TAYLOR
Dude sorry I’ve got to cut in again--

TODD
No worries.

TODD gestures TAYLOR to sit on an office-chair-ball too.

TAYLOR
You remember this app we’re rolling out for children?

TODD
Yeah the one you wanted to be the multi-platform experience kids have never seen before.

TAYLOR
Yeah. It’s still a bit... “buggy”.

TODD calls it up on his keyboard.

TODD
We’ll iron those crinkles now - shoot!

TAYLOR
On level 6--

TODD
I LOVE level 6.

TAYLOR
Yeah, this is where we were hoping the kids would be totally engaged.
Immersed, even.
But level 6 is like--
(reads tablet)
“Put this thing down now.
Go and get some daylight.”

TODD
(high five)
Awesome - no?!

TAYLOR
That’s all it says.

TODD
Right. That’s all of level 6.

TAYLOR
Which comes after levels 1-5.
(reads)
“Now put this down and hug the person you love the most.”

(swipes)
“Step outside and breathe.”

(swipes)
“It’s a cosmic miracle you are here right now.
This place, this time.
Turn it off.”

(swipes)
“We love you.” -- That’s all it just says.

(swipes)
And “Let’s kill 12 more seconds of your young life with some more of this inconsequential irrelevance.”

TODD
(finger kiss)
Level 5.

TAYLOR
Todd... Do you... Do you like doing this job?

TODD
(thinks)
Yeah. It’s pretty, powtastic.

TAYLOR
It’s just that every kids app you make, compares what we do... us... that we get paid money to do... it’s like...

TODD
...It’s like we’re trying to get kids to smoke cigarettes.

TAYLOR
That’s probably not what I was reaching for.
But that seems to be what you’re saying.
In every app, game and multi-platform experience you create--

TODD
Is it the font? I can change the font.

TAYLOR
It’s not the font.
It’s the helping kids to stop using devices.
It’s not helping us.

TODD
Right. It’d be like a cigarette company killing off its customers.

TAYLOR
Exactly. Yes.
(then)
No! Look, we’ve decided to move you over to a new project.
(pulls out ANOTHER TABLET)
Apps for Babies.

The TABLET pings up a BABY-FRIENDLY LOGO.

TODD
I am, like - way - ahead of you.
I’ve been working on this.

TODD’S TABLET plays baby-friendly music as he hands it over to TAYLOR.

TABLET
Ahh-Ah-Ah!
Nooooo.
Noooooooo.
Uh-oh.
No.
No.
(disapproving grunts)
Don’t touch.
Non.

TODD
(headphones on)
You’re welcome.


Previous post...
Couples shouldn’t bathroom together, but we still do. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

Couples shouldn’t bathroom together, but we still do. #DadDirt



DAD is sat on the toilet. MUM goes to the sink.

MUM
Sorry... do you mind?

She grabs her puff scrubber and plunges the hand soap.

DAD
No... Go ahead.

She turns the tap.

PSSSHHHHHHHHH!

The sink is dry.

DAD
Whoah!

MUM double-takes DAD and the empty sink.

The water is gushing out of him.

MUM
Huh.

She turns off the tap.

DAD
Phew.

MUM tries the other tap.

PSSSHHHHHHHHH!

DAD
Whoah!

Wincing and shaking his legs with this surge.

But the sink is empty.

MUM
(gets it)
Ohhh.

She chonks it off.

DAD
(Relief)

She chonks it on.

PSSSHHHH!

She chonks it off.

DAD
Ahhh.

And on.

PSSSHHHH!

And off.

DAD
Ahh.

Maybe one final quick one.

PSSH!

An awkward moment.

Then.

DAD
Little bit more?



Previous post... My list of words meaning bad or not good...

All about me, and getting these by email.

Friday, 10 November 2017

My list of words meaning bad or not good...



I find it really hard finding words for the opposite of good ("awesome, bodacious, bitchin, phenomenal, smashing" the full list is here...)

Either they are words meaning "bad" or "not good" or they're replacements for swearing.

Few words do both.

Have I missed any, because a lot of safe words for bad are really bad.

Bosoms
Bumholes
Cr*p
Crud
Pants
Poop/Poo etc
Twaddle

Nouns only:
nonsense
gibberish
malarkey
twaddle
bunkum
crud
garbage
baloney
poop
filth


Exclamations only:
Dang
Darnation
Doggone
Darn
Curses
Dammit
Cripes


Previous post...
I love it when people ask me to look after their stuff on the train #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

I love it when people ask me to look after their stuff on the train #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can't take any more responsibility than you have to.


DAD is staring out of the window.

A COMMUTER opposite gets up, hesitant to leave his laptop, bag and jacket.

He makes a beeline for DAD.

COMMUTER
Excuse me.
Would you look after my stuff while I’m in the toilet?

DAD
Sure.

The COMMUTER toddles off and DAD seethes.

DAD
(to himself)
I don’t want to worry about someone else’s stuff.
I’ve got my own stuff to worry about.

Like you’re going to hold me to it if your stuff gets nicked.

You’re putting all this stress on me, just to reassure yourself that nothing bad will happen to your stuff.

And now, I’m responsible for your stuff.

You’ve got a bag.
Why can’t you at least put the damn laptop in it and take it to the toilet with you?

Hang on.
If you’re not going to actually hold me to it if your stuff really does get nicked...

DAD gets up and goes over to the commuter’s seat.

DAD
(to himself)
I absolutely have to go through your stuff, and steal as much as possible.

He rifles through the Commuter’s bag and jacket, pocketing gadgets and valuables.

DAD
It’s good for you to confront your fears, instead of relying on total strangers as some kind of mental prop that has no support whatsoever and-- What am I doing?!

DAD frantically crams all the loot back to where he got it from.

DAD
Quiiick, he’s coming back...

Like a flash everything is returned and DAD is impossibly back in his seat as if nothing happened.

COMMUTER
Thanks for looking after my stuff.

DAD
No problem.

DAD double-takes his table.

DAD
(to himself) Where’s my paper.
And my pen.
My jacket?
Where’s my jacket gone?



Previous post...
Here's how I know that I am Not The Worst Man In The World #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Here's how I know that I am Not The Worst Man In The World #DadDirt



DAD is letting MUM in from a night out.

DAD
I love it when you go out with your friends.

MUM
I know... because you get the place to yourself.

DAD
No. Well, yeah, that is pretty good. But not the best bit.

MUM
You get to turn the heating down.

DAD
No.

MUM
Four eps of Ice Road Truckers.

DAD
No.

MUM
Outback Truckers.

DAD
No-- the best bit is that I know that you get to hear about all the bad stuff everyone else’s husbands are doing - and you hear stuff that makes me not the worst man in the world.

MUM
No.

DAD
I’m right. I can tell. You don’t tell me anything, and I know that it’s a validation - a vindication that you are not with the worst man in the world.

MUM
That’s not true.

DAD
It is. I am not the worst. Admit it.

MUM
I’m not.

DAD
You don’t tell me anything that they do.

MUM is poker face.

DAD
So I know it’s bad. Isn’t it?
(NOTHING)
What their husbands do is really bad...

Still no sign off MUM.

DAD
Oooh. It’s stuff you wouldn’t tolerate for 5 seconds.

On MUM: still nothing.

DAD
And you’ve got to listen to it! From The Girls, knowing that even the very worst of what I do, isn’t nearly as bad.

DAD bursts.

DAD
(PUNCHES AIR)
Whoop! I’m not the worst!

He does a victory dance.

DAD
In your face.
(THEN)
And I know this is going straight back to the others.
(THEN)
Except... it can’t.
Because you’d have to tell them that they’ve got men worse than me.
It gets better!

He stops dancing.

DAD
Please don’t delete the Outback Truckers.


Previous post...
Sorry to bother you but the porn's not working again #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Sorry to bother you but the porn's not working again #DadDirt



MUM cradles her phone in the LIVING ROOM, with a glowing LAPTOP SCREEN.

MUM
Hi, sorry to call you at work...

DAD's at his groaning desk.

DAD
It’s not really a great time.

MUM
I know, I know I’m sorry, it’s just a quick one. I... I can’t get the porn to work.

DAD rolls his eyes.

DAD
(SIGH) Are you actually at the porn? Are you there?

MUM
Yep I’ve got it all on. I just don’t know what to do with it now.

DAD
Are you sure the porn is there, in front of you, ready?

MUM
Aha...

DAD
Okay, erm... are you at the start of the porn.

MUM
Yes, I’m at the start. It’s not working.

DAD
Okay, do you know which porn you want.

MUM
YES.

DAD
I wish you’d pay attention when we went through this.

MUM
I just can’t get it to work.

DAD
Are you going for the deliberately competitive stuff, or the random porn?

MUM
Random’s fine.

DAD
Okay, so you’ve got to get through a lot of the porn in a jaded way as quickly as possible for it to start working.

MUM taps on off-screen keyboard.

MUM
When should I stop?

DAD
Don’t stop! Keep it going...

MUM
I think that might be the problem.

DAD
...until you’re almost bored of it...

MUM
I might’ve spent too long finding something good.

DAD
Ah, yes - that wouldn’t work. Quick and jaded... Quick and jaded. What can you see?

MUM
Almost there.

DAD
(NO REPLY) Talk to me.

MUM
Yes, there it is thanks honey. You’re a marvel. The porn is working again now.

DAD
I’ll see you later.

DAD hangs up in a huff.

MUM is happily glued to the screen.


Previous post...
Forget Contactless Payments... Too slow. Introducing, Meaningless Payments #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Monday, 6 November 2017

Forget Contactless Payments... Too slow. Introducing, Meaningless Payments #DadDirt



First we brought you the credit card.

No need to bring cash.

Just spend as much as you want, when you want.

You’d think that would be the step forward, but no.

It took far - too - long...

COCKY CUSTOMER TYPES IN PIN DIGITS: SHOOTS CASHIER A KNOWING SMILE.

Then we brought in Chip And Pin.

No signatures, biros, or slips.

For you, it takes just four digits.

For us, that still feels something like, for - ever.

OTHER SHOPPERS PRISING OPEN WALLETS AND PURSES AND ASKING “DO YOU TAP IT HERE?”

So, we developed Contactless Payments.

Where “a tap is all it takes”.

And now you’re fumbling in your wallets, standing around asking if the reader works.

Are you kidding me?

Surely there must be an even quicker way to get to your money...

SHOPPERS AT TILLS AT THE MOMENT OF PURCHASE: CUSTOMER APPROACHES THE CHECKOUT COUNTER.

Well finally, there is.

We are proud to be rolling out our latest, and fastest, way for you to pay...


THE CUSTOMER HEAD BUTTS THE PAYMENT MACHINE.


Introducing Mindless Payment Technology.


ANOTHER CUSTOMER HEADBUTTS THE PAYMENT MACHINE. UPBEAT MUSIC.



Without a card, why waste a moment thinking about your next transaction?


MORE CUSTOMERS, BANGING THEIR HEADS ON COUNTERS AND CHECKOUT READERS...


With Mindless Payments, the transfer of funds is instantaneous.

You don’t even need a reason to be spending on stuff.


A WOMAN HEAD BUTTS A PC MONITOR SCREEN.


You can make Mindless Payments in all kinds of places.

Shops, bars, cafes, garages or the comfort of your own home.


KIDS ON THE SOFA BANG THEIR HEADS ON TABLETS.


Mindless Payment Technology.
An even faster way to pay.
To us.
Now.
Seriously.
Give us your money.

THUD.


Previous post...
How to tell my kids why boobs and willies are still measured in inches? #DadDirt 169-175


All about me, and getting these by email.

Sunday, 5 November 2017

How to tell my kids why are boobs and willies still measured in inches? #DadDirt 169-175



Things in my head this week:

Monday 6 November
I can’t tell my kids why boobs and willies are measured in inches.
I guess it’s weird to compare them to feet.

Tuesday 7 November
Spending time with my family costs me money.
That's why they call it "spending" time.

Wednesday 8 November
My bank sends me emails at 4 in the morning.
Because it really needs the money.
Or the attention.

Thursday 9 November
My son hates plastic medals.
“It’s like you’ve won nothing at all.”
How can I tell him... he’s right.

Friday 10 November
I am still harping on about it.
But the harp is a really nice instrument.
Who wouldn’t want to hear more of that?

Saturday 11 November
If a newspaper asks if it can use a photo you’ve taken, it’s probably a sign it’s the kind of photo you shouldn’t be sharing in the first place.

Sunday 12 November
Not caring what people think is wasted on the Old.


Previous post...
i HATE it when people say Alright? It's not a real question, is it? #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Friday, 3 November 2017

i HATE it when people say Alright? It's not a real question, is it? #DadDirt



A BUILDER passes another BUILDER on some scaffolding.

BUILDER 1
Alright?

BUILDER 2 strains to answer.

BUILDER 1
(KINDER)
Alright?

BUILDER 2
I... I never know what to say when someone asks me that.
There’s only one answer, isn’t there.
“Yeah.”

That’s it.
Anything else is too much.

“Alright?” isn’t asking after my health.
My outlook.
My physical or spiritual wellbeing.

So why ask it?

BUILDER 1
Look.
It’s just a tic.

Something I use to release tension when we’ve got nothing to say to each other.
It’s just a time filler.
It’s just to let you know that I don’t know what to say to you but I don’t want to say nothing.

BUILDER 2
Alright.
Didn’t want your life story.


Previous post...
How my daughter sees me as a man. In biro. And it's uncanny in every fault. #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Thursday, 2 November 2017

She hates my guts but I don't know what that really means #DadDirt



MUM and DAD are in the kitchen, folding washing.

DAD
You hate my guts.

MUM
I don’t hate your guts.

DAD
You do. Which wife doesn’t.
I can get you to hate my guts just by being myself.
But here’s the thing, I don’t hate your guts.

I love your guts.
Like that’s the thing we strive for.
Alright so you say you don’t hate my guts right now, but you will do.
I spend every day thinking how can I finally get you to like them.

I love your guts.
I am besotted by them.
I think it’s your guts that get me going.
If I were pushed to choose, I’d say I was probably a guts man.

You have the finest guts.
I can’t take my eyes off them.
You nearly caught me checking out the guts of some woman in the shoe shop, but you won’t believe me that your guts - to me - are perfect.
I love the way they jiggle when you’re in a rush.

MUM
ALRIGHT. I GET IT.


Previous post...
What if I dont need yet another clock? Will I still worry about the spending at 2am? #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

What if I dont need yet another clock? Will I still worry about the spending at 2am? #DadDirt



A DAD is glued to a heap of gadgets in the supermarket baskets of “While Stocks Last”.

DAD
(in his head)
There’s only 3 green ones left.
And it’s only Monday.

They must be popular.
I can’t leave them have a think and come back.
They’ll be gone.
Focus.

My bedside clock is sort of annoying me.
It’s alright.
But it’s not excelling at its job.
It is not sparking joy.
So this isn’t about avoiding more clutter.

This is the thing that I check at 2 in the morning and it doesn’t spark joy.
This - this might make me happy.
In its cheery green.

Let’s trade it off against the cost of 5 quid.
So it won’t bankrupt me.

But I don’t really need it.
But it’s better than what I’ve got.

But isn’t the work that I have to do to earn the 5 quid the reason that I’m awake at 2am to check it?

No!
No, I am taking a stand. Right here, right now.
I am not going to buy this.
This is one whole five pounds that I don’t need to earn.

I can do this.
It’s a small stand, but it might mean that I treat my time with more value.
And my value with more time.

Oooh crabsticks!
Two for one.

He crosses out on autopilot.

I’ll get four.



Previous post...
I can't remember all of my sex even though it's my favourite thing #DadDirt


All about me, and getting these by email.