Tuesday, 31 October 2017

I can't remember all of my sex even though it's my favourite thing #DadDirt




MUM and DAD are stirring porridge.

MUM
You okay?

DAD
I think, of all the things in the world, I think I like having sex the most.

MUM
I am so glad I asked.

DAD
So why can’t I remember any of it?

MUM
You’ve forgotten all your sex.

DAD
Yeah. All I can remember is just snippets.
Not entire sessions.

MUM
Thanks.

DAD
No - not just with you.
It’s always been the best thing in my life - each time it’s happened has been a joy and a wonder and a surprise.

MUM
Even when it’s gone bad.

DAD
Especially when it’s gone bad - I want to know how to remember more.

MUM
It’s because you need to pay more attention.

DAD
(oblivious)
It’s weird because I am there - Taking it all in. So to speak. So how come I only remember the weird stuff - the stuff that’s a little off-piste or plain wrong?

MUM
You need to pay more attention--

DAD
I can remember the...
(sings it)
... the LWT theme tune. I even remember the shortlived 1990’s...
(sings it)
...rebrand. I remember Tesco adverts: “here’s a cheerful sole instead”.
But not the very activity that makes me the happiest.

MUM
You need to pay more--

DAD
I can even remember the name of the mechanic in CHiPs.

MUM
Harlan.

DAD
You remember the name of the mechanic in CHiPs.

MUM
Maybe because I pay attention.

DAD
Maybe I should try that.

MUM
I can’t wait.



Previous post...
My Energy Company is a stroppy ex-girlfriend who can't face that it's over #DadDirt


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Monday, 30 October 2017

My Energy Company is a stroppy ex-girlfriend who can't face that it's over #DadDirt



I’m on the phone, to my energy company.

ENERGY COMPANY
How can we help?

ME
I changed supplier on the 17th August, and it’s now 19th October, and you still haven’t closed my account.

ENERGY COMPANY
Let me take a look at that for you: yes we still haven’t received your electricity meter reading from your new supplier.

ME
But it’s over two months now.

ENERGY COMPANY
We know, but we can’t do anything until we receive that meter reading - which is checked by a third party company.

ME
But, it’s over two months now.
Am... am I in debt to you?

ENERGY COMPANY
Oh no - you’re in credit.
£189

ME
So you owe me £189.

ENERGY COMPANY
Yes - we can pay it to you now, but the account is still active and so we will have to issue final bills whether you have that money now or not.

ME
But it’s two months since I left.

ENERGY COMPANY
Yes, and the problem is for you to raise with your new supplier. We’re doing all we can to get that final electricity meter reading.

ME
But, you’ve got the gas meter reading?

ENERGY COMPANY
Oh yes.

ME
So you’re saying they’ve sent you the gas reading okay, but not the electricity reading.

ENERGY COMPANY
That’s right. We’ll try to contact them again.

ME
Can’t I give you the meter reading. I’ve got it right here.

ENERGY COMPANY
Oh no. It’s got to come from... them.

ME
I just want this to be over.
It’s 2 months since I left.
We’re through.

ENERGY COMPANY
Please don’t go.

ME
Excuse me.

ENERGY COMPANY
We know we pushed our luck - raising our lowest tarriff like that - but, we can change.

ME
You raised it by over 20%.

ENERGY COMPANY
We couldn’t help it. You know we like lifting things when we got together.

ME
Can I just get my £189 quid back?

ENERGY COMPANY
You can... If you really want it.
But could you come over to to get it?
We’ve washed it for you.
Maybe... you’d want to see our tarriffs again.

ME
(crumple)
I do miss your tarriffs.

ENERGY COMPANY
And our letters... Didn’t you find them... impenetrable.

ME
(groan)
Yes. Your letters are... impenetrable.

ENERGY COMPANY
So c’mon. You can totally have it. But do you really want your 189 pounds back now?

ME
I’m so weak.
Let me just make a call.
Stay there.

ENERGY COMPANY
We’re right here.
With your £189 pounds.

I dial a number.

NEW SUPPLIER
Hiya, how’s it going?

ME
Brilliantly - thanks - listen, I’m really sorry to bug you with this, but... did my ex-call you?

NEW SUPPLIER
Uh, don’t think so.

ME
They said they called a few times.

NEW SUPPLIER
Nope - we sent over the meter readings on the 18th August.
Does that help?

ME
Gas and Electricity?

NEW SUPPLIER
Yep! Went out as part of our data stream.

ME
Huh. You’ve got a really cute data stream.

NEW SUPPLIER
I know.
And it’s all for you.
Hey, did you put the oven on?

ME
Yeah - I’m - oh, you’ll see what it is later.

NEW SUPPLIER
Okay. Bye!

I dial again.

ME
I want this to stop.

ENERGY COMPANY
No.
You can have the money back but we’re not closing that Electricty account.

ME
Close my account.

ENERGY COMPANY
No, you have to complete the complaints process.

ME
You said you called the New Supplier.

ENERGY COMPANY
What, you’d think we’d call that cow.
What have they got that we haven’t?

ME
They don’t put their lowest tarriffs up while making comparisons as if I were on the most expensive tarriff so that it looks like a saving!
Yet.

ENERGY COMPANY
Oh that again.
Give it a rest.
You’re like a broken record.

ME
I really thought we had something.

ENERGY COMPANY
We did.
And it was £189.
Which you can have back but we’re going to have to stay in touch.
Don’t leave.
Think of the quids.

ME
You take all the time you need.


Previous post...
Married name or not married name? Either way women do all the work getting companies to change them #DadDirt


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Sunday, 29 October 2017

Married name or not married name? Either way women do all the work getting companies to change them #DadDirt



MUM opens a utility bill while DAD puts on a coat.

MUM
Ugh, these people. What is wrong with them.

She shoves the paper into DAD.

DAD
50 units of water over 6 months... No, that looks about right.

MUM
No, the name. Look at the names at the top.
They've got it wrong again.

DAD
Aww... You're all angry because it's not your married name.
That's so romantic.

MUM
It's completely useless as a utility bill.

On DAD, crestfallen.

MUM
How am I s'posed to use that?
Why is it so hard getting things changed or not changed.

She rips it up in anger.

DAD
I honestly don't mind if you kept your mai-- non-- name.
Your name. It's yours. I didn't force you to change it.

MUM
But then it ballses up the credit rating.
And I'm the one who's got to prove who I am.
I know who I am.

DAD
I... do too.

MUM
They're the ones who should do the proving.

DAD
You are the customer.

MUM
Right, and it's their stupid system.

DAD
We should just use our first names.

MUM
They've got so much data on us, they'd know -oh, my voiceprint, my phone number, "Hello Charlotte, how can we help you?"

DAD
I'm calling to trade-in my husband please. I hate his name!

MUM
You always make it about you, don't you.

DAD
I've phoned up to dump my husband.

MUM
(leaving house)
It's always about you isn't it.

DAD
"Can I have an ambulance please. I think I've killed my husband."

She’s gone.


Previous post...
I don't want a diffuser in the living room. I never get to decide these things really though. #DadDirt


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Saturday, 28 October 2017

I don't want a diffuser in the living room. I never get to decide these things really though. #DadDirt




MUM AND DAD are in the Living Room, looking down on a shelf.

MUM
I know you probably don’t like the smell...

DAD
It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I’m not used to it.

MUM
God, why can’t you be more supportive?

DAD
Because you make all the decisions in this room - and you’re good at it.
If you think it needs a diffuser in here, just put the diffuser in here.

MUM
Right, thank you. I do want the diffuser to go here.

Reveal an Army Bomb Guy concentrating on cutting a wire on the detonator packed with explosives.

DIFFUSER
I’m awfully sorry but would you mind keeping it down for a moment. I’m about to cut the red wire.

Outside the house, it’s sunset and the “discussion” continues.

DAD (FROM INSIDE)
I’d prefer the blue wire.

MUM (FROM INSIDE)
No, I think red would be better.

DAD (FROM INSIDE)
Right, because it’s “your” room.

MUM (FROM INSIDE)
That’s not fair...

KABOOOM.


Previous post...
Don’t Trust Anything That Mummy Says #DadDirt


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Friday, 27 October 2017

Don’t Trust Anything That Mummy Says #DadDirt




SON is changing from his wellies to trainers while MUM and DAD are standing over him.
It’s taking weeks.

MUM
Come on, let’s get to the Heath.
We’ll see if those tyres are still on the trees.

SON
What tyres?

MUM
The ones you can swing on.

SON
There aren’t any tyres.

MUM
You swung on them last time we went.

SON
No I didn’t.

MUM
But you were swinging on them.
There was that archaeological dig next to it.

SON
The seats are just sticks.

MUM
Really?

DAD
Never trust anything Mummy says.

SON
There aren’t any tyres.

DAD
Is there an archaelogical dig there?

MUM
I could’ve sworn they were tyres.

DAD
Or was it just two men. Burying a dog.

MUM
There’s definitely a dig going on.

DAD
(quotes diggers)
“Oh, yeah. It’s ‘archaeology’.
We’re just waiting for the funding to come through.”

MUM
Well. That just goes to show.
How our memory changes things.

DAD
Don’t trust anything - anything - that we say.

SON
I don’t.


Previous post...
Why do Dads want silver-plated nickel effect light switches and sockets? #DadDirt


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Thursday, 26 October 2017

Why do Dads want silver-plated nickel effect light switches and sockets? #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
... you realise you will never ever finish the place where you live.


Fitting silver-plated nickel effect light switches and sockets.
I've done some careful research around and this is every straight white Dad's ambition.

It doesn't matter what demographic or income bracket.

None of them wants white plastic light switches and sockets.

And the same thing happens to all of them, which is if you're lucky enough to get 2 or 3 switches in... it is then at that very point that the cost of them hits you.

And then you lose the urge to keep on changing them.

That one under the table... or behind the cupboard.

I start putting big plants in front of them so I don't have to change them.

It's my final interior design stamp on the home.



Previous post...
Taking the world's biggest dump on a National Trust path #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Taking the world's biggest dump on a National Trust path #DadDirt



A FAMILY with a little girl pass a PAIR OF WALKERS up a hill on a National Trust path.

WALKERS
Hello! / Hello!
Oh... that’s disgusting.

There’s a huge turd on the path.

WALKERS
Mind out! Mind the child./ Don’t step in it!

MUM AND DAD
Phew, that was close.
Thank you.

WALKER 1
Some people - honestly.

DAD
Who would let their dog do that on a National Trust path.
On a path cut by the very hand of the world’s first pioneering ecologist Gilbert White so long ago.
And this - right here this - is where someone thinks is the best place to take the world’s biggest dump.
Like it’s some kind of massive litter tray.
That’s awful.
Slap bang square in the middle of this perfectly maintained gravel path - preserved for decades by the National Trust - midwife’ing a heap so big...

WALKER 2
Was it your dog?

MUM
(unconvincing)
No! But maybe... isn’t it funny, even... that Gilbert White insisted on the importance of observing animals, at work, in nature...

MUM and DAD shoot each other a guilty look.

WALKER 1
It was your dog.

DAD
(unconvincing)
Bad dog.

They call for their dog.

DAD AND MUM
Gemma! / Murphy!

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Mummy, I think I need to go again.

She’s squatting on the path.

MUM
(limp)
I haven’t got a bag. Have you--

The walkers are well gone.


Previous post...
I think I hate your bolognese and I don't know how to tell you #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 24 October 2017

I think I hate your bolognese and I don't know how to tell you #DadDirt



MUM and DAD are hovering around the hob.

DAD
I don't know how to tell you this.

MUM fears what’s coming.

DAD
I think I-- This is really difficult.
(THEN)
I think I really hate your Bolognese.

On Mum. Silence.

DAD
It’s too meaty.
You never put enough tomatoes in it.
That’s what makes the sauce - and it costs less than the pound of mince you’ve got in there.

MUM
How long’s this been going on?

DAD
Aww, come on, you must’ve noticed.
How I’m always acting, differently, around it.
Offering to start it off...

MUM
Is there anything else I need to know?

DAD
Why don’t you ever put any garlic in it?

MUM
I do! How can you say that. I try--

DAD
Two cloves isn't enough for a pot that size and the fresh basil?
Look at that big lovely plant on the shelf...

MUM
Don’t bring the herbs into this.
That basil is mine.
It will always be mine.
You can’t take my own basil away from me.

DAD
I know, that’s why it’s so bloomin’ big.
You never use it!
I can’t go skulking around like this any more,
adding to it behind your back.
I want to make this Bolognese better in front of you,
and I don’t care who sees it.
If I don’t, then you’ll just keep making it like a pile of mince - in blissful ignorance - I can’t go on like this any longer.

MUM
I can change. I could put more herbs in.
Maybe try using some stock--

DAD
No - that’ll make it more meaty!
You just don’t get it do you.

MUM bursts into tears.

DAD hugs her, but she pulls away and leaves.

MUM
Well I hope you’ll both be very happy together.

DAD hangs his head. Drained, but relieved it’s in the open.

DAD
Your pasta’s to die for.

But she’s gone.


Previous post...
These new weird screws mean only one thing. I am now obsolete. #DadDirt


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Friday, 20 October 2017

These new weird screws mean only one thing. I am now obsolete. #DadDirt



NEIL is in the cupboard under the stairs staring at his toolbox.

NEIL
Where did these weird Hex screws suddenly come from?
They’re everywhere.
I haven’t even got screwdrivers for these.
“So go and get some”.
But I don’t want to.

I don’t know where they came from.
They've got to be better than the screws I’ve got.
But I don’t want to change.

No-one said out loud this is what we’re using now.
Why don’t I just change over?
Because it’s yet another sign I am getting old.

That my technology is obsolete.
All those cross-head screwdrivers and boxes of screws that I haven’t used.

And it seems like there’s more than one hexagon.
There’s another one that’s kind of star shaped.

It looks like they’re compatible, but they’re not.

WHERE ARE ALL THESE SCREWS COMING FROM?

I can’t keep up.

THEY’RE SCREWING WITH MY MIND.

I am obsolete.

NEIL closes the understairs cupboard and moves on with his day.


Previous post...
The one that didn't get away in the bathroom. #DadDirt


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Thursday, 19 October 2017

The one that didn't get away in the bathroom. #DadDirt



DAD is standing behind his BOY, who is straining on something.

DAD
Lean with the pull...

BOY
It’s too strong Dad.

DAD
Use your full bodyweight against it.

BOY
I think I’m losing it.

DAD
Go on my son... I know you can do this.

REVEAL the BOY is fishing in the bath: pulling on a full-size rod, bending to breaking point.

BOY
(GNN)
I can’t. I can’t. It’s me or him.

GROAN... SPLOSH!

DAD
You did it, you did it!

REVEAL: from the end of the boy’s line is a MASSIVE BALL OF HAIR.

DAD
What a beaut!

The boy is crying.

BOY
I did do it.
He’s huge!

They hug.

SNAP! Father/Son grinning photo fishing pose with the hairball on the line between them.

“In memory, HAIRBALL 2016-2017”


Previous post...
In the offices after hours... who goes gathering with extra powers... #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 18 October 2017

In the offices after hours... who goes gathering with extra powers... #DadDirt



Shadows of men in the darkened office floor with torches.

O.C.O. 1
Got to be quick on this one.

O.C.O. 2
We've got a lot to get through.

O.C.O. 1 shines a torch in his face.

O.C.O. 1
This is a normal shift.

He turns the torch off.

O.C.O. 1 (CONT'D)
Try and find the sweet spot.

All the office lights flicker on:
O.C.O. 2 is in janitor's overalls and an elaborate stretched out pose to trigger the lights.

O.C.O. 2
Got it.

O.C.O. 1
Keep up.

O.C.O. 1 (also in janitor's overalls) sweeps the top of a cluttered desk straight into a bin bag.

O.C.O. 2
So we're like the people who get the restaurant tables ready.
Not the waiters--

O.C.O. 1
--Or the cleaners. Or the furniture movers. We are the "Office Clearer-Outers".
But what we do is so unspeakable, we have no job title.

O.C.O. 2
I'll get the drawers.

He dumps all the filth from the stuffed desk into bin bags.

O.C.O. 1
Everyone loves it when they start at a nice clean empty desk.
They don't think for a second about the actrocities that took place here.

O.C.O. 1 opens a folder from a shelf of indexed folders.

O.C.O. 1
You think you're creating all this useful "product" at your "workstation".
(RE. FOLDER)
Meeting notes, strategy reports, action plans, it's all sooooo important.
Until you go.

The folder goes in the bin bag.

O.C.O. 2
And then we come. After hours.

All the folders go in the bin bag.

O.C.O. 1
No-one wants to see this. When I was a kid, in hospital, appendix, one day they closed all the blinds, all the doors. And the nurses and helpers are all there distracting us... but we knew.
That bed bay was all clean and ready for the next one when the doors opened again.
That's this.

The workstation is completely stripped bare and pristine.

O.C.O. 2
Aww look. All "ready for the next one".

O.C.O. 1 crosses out with their stuffed bag-laden trolley.

O.C.O. 1
Come on. We've got six more. You're doing good.

O.C.O. 2
Thanks.
(THEN)
What happened to the last guy who did my job?

He crosses out to catch up.

O.C.O. 2
Hello?

Previous post...
Dad's attempt at geography model homework... #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Dads attempt at geography model homework... #DadDirt



In the Living Room... A BOY and DAD are huddled over a home made model that fills the table top.

DAD
Just one more...

BOY
Dad, are we taking a bit too long on this? It's just geography...

With a tube of glue, DAD sets the final piece.

DAD
There. Finished. "The South Downs".

REVEAL: a perfect topographical model of The South Downs made entirely out of tampons and sanitary pads.

BOY
Is the village of Buriton all there now?

DAD
Woah, no, good catch, thanks.

He unwraps a Kotex and cuts the string.

DAD
We've put in too much housing. It should be more light-industrial.

"BURITON" is labelled and made from the tips of tampons grouped together like a village, but still all in cotton white.

BOY
Does... does Mum know you've used all her stuff on this?

DAD
Mum will probably get very very angry.
Angrier than you've ever seen her.
For some reason, all the nonsense from us that she tolerates will suddenly fall over a boundary, and you will be humiliated for all the liberties that'd usually be overlooked.

Remember the 4 "A's".
Apologise.
Avoid drama.
Agree with everything.

BOY
Dad, you've-- I think you've spilt some glue.

DAD stands up with a puddle of glue on his lap.

DAD
Have you got anything to clear it up?

BOY
Sorry Dad.

DAD shuffles off.

DAD
Ashamed.



Previous post...
Wife's checklist for hubby's affair lady #DadDirt


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Monday, 16 October 2017

Wifes checklist for hubbys affair lady #DadDirt



In the supermarket aisles... DAD is pushing the trolley. MUM pulls him sideways.

MUM
Quick, over there. Don’t look.
(ON THE QUIET)
It’s the affair lady.

There’s an ATTRACTIVE 30-SOMETHING WOMAN.

DAD
That’s her job?

MUM
No, that’s what Claire calls her.

DAD tries not staring.

DAD
She’s the one on the left?

MUM
She’s the one who went off with that other Dad, and now they’re splitting up.
If you were to have an affair with someone like that, then at least I’d know, well, I can’t look like that so there’s nothing I could’ve done about it anyway.

DAD
And if she didn’t look like that...
(THEN)
I mean you look lovely.

MUM
If she wasn’t good-looking... I don’t think I could cope with that.

MUM considers a wall of coffee, but DAD’S head is grinding.

DAD
You mean, if I am going to have an affair. You want it to be with someone attractive.

MUM
I don’t know what I’d think if she wasn’t attractive. It’d probably be more upsetting. If she was plain - it’d mean there was something there that’s probably love. And that’s more hurtful.

DAD
So you want me to only go off with horny women.

MUM crosses out to shop on.

MUM (OS)
She’s not that hot.


Previous post...
We've all got a hobby thats someone elses job #DadDirt


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Sunday, 15 October 2017

We've all got a hobby thats someone elses job #DadDirt



Someone in staff uniform is gathering up used cups, saucers, and empty sandwich wrappers, but he’s interrupted by another uniformed member of staff.

COFFEE STAFF 1
Please don't do that.

COFFEE STAFF 2
It's nearly done boss.

COFFEE STAFF 1
No, really, I insist. Please, stop.

He takes crockery away from COFFEE STAFF 2

COFFEE STAFF 2
I don't mind - really.

COFFEE STAFF 1
But... you don't work here.

COFFEE STAFF 2
You don't know that.

COFFEE STAFF 1
We do know that because... you don't work here.

COFFEE STAFF 2 returns to wiping the table.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Honestly, it's cool

COFFEE STAFF 1
Honestly. It is not cool.
You do not work here.
Can you please stop.

COFFEE STAFF 2
But I’m almost done.

COFFEE STAFF 1
You don’t even need to start--
Can you at least please take off that T-shirt.

COFFEE STAFF 2
No! It’s mine!
I paid for it on ebay!
Come on, I’ve only got those tables left to do boss.

COFFEE STAFF 1
I am not your boss.
Literally!
You are not paid to be here.

COFFEE STAFF 2
And like you’ve not got any hobbies?

COFFEE STAFF 1
I’ve got hobbies. Lots of them.
And none of them are other people's jobs!

COFFEE STAFF 2
Ohhhh, so you don't think I am helping you.
You think I am competing with you?
You think there's only “limited” pie.
You think there is limited mess.
Limited tables to clean and clear?

COFFEE STAFF 1
Yes!

COFFEE STAFF 2
Look around you, man.
There's enough mess to go round!

COFFEE STAFF 2 pulls out one of the chairs from the table he just straightened.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Why don’t you take it easy?
Why don’t you take advantage.

COFFEE STAFF 1 sits down and tries to take stock.

COFFEE STAFF 1
What you are doing is exactly the same as putting on outfits from the dressing-up-box at school, and playing shops.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Yeah!
Isn’t it great?

COFFEE STAFF 3 storms in to yell at COFFEE STAFF 1

COFFEE STAFF 3
Dude! Again?
You are so lazy.
With all these tables left to do?

COFFEE STAFF 1
I was just telling this guy--

COFFEE STAFF 3
--Interrupting this guy from clearing up, I’m sorry. That’s it.
We’ve got to let you go.
Be out by the time I’m back.

COFFEE STAFF 3 storms out.

COFFEE STAFF 2
Can I buy your apron boss?


Previous post...
My belly is still big #DadDirt


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Saturday, 14 October 2017

My belly is still big #DadDirt



DAD, clothed, checks himself out in the mirror, front on, while MUM is in bed.

DAD
I don't get it. I've been working out every day with the ioniser... and I'm bigger than when I started.

He turns, revealing the bulge on his tummy.

MUM
You mean Ab-dominiser.

DAD
Oh.

He pulls up his jumper. A room ioniser is taped to his stomach.

DAD
My belly’s still big.

MUM
On the upside, it smells nice and fresh.


Previous post...
We love those advert banners all over our school gates don't we. #DadDirt


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Friday, 13 October 2017

We love those advert banners all over our school gates don't we. #DadDirt



MUMS arriving with their kids at the school gates.

REVEAL the school railings are TOTALLY COVERED by overlapping SUPERMARKET ADVERTISING BANNERS for vouchers and tokens schemes.

MUM 1
Sorry sweetie...

REVEAL: MORE MUMS patting and groping at the banners trying to find the entrance.
Like those zapped moaners from Day Of The Triffids.

MUM 2
(HOLDING WAD OF VOUCHERS)
We are such a bunch of losers.

MUM 3
And that’s why we need the vouchers.

MUM 4
Then we’d be winners.

MUM 5
But we can’t hand them in if we can’t find the school.

MUM 2
We are such a bunch of losers.


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It's all okay using a womens body spray #DadDirt


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Thursday, 12 October 2017

It's all okay using a womens body spray #DadDirt




MUM and DAD getting dressed for the day. DAD is spraying himself.

MUM
Sorry, I used your deodorant.

DAD
That’s okay. It’s a women's one anyway.

MUM
Well, it’s nicer than mine.

DAD
Thank you.
(HANG ON)
It is okay for me to use a lady body spray.

MUM
I know.

DAD
I don’t want you thinking less of me as a man, just because of the products I use.

MUM
Alright.

DAD
Because that’s what they want you to think.
They spend millions of pounds to separate us.

MUM
Okay.

DAD
Haven’t we got past this already?

MUM
Oh my god--

DAD
This... lazy discrimination.
It’s not 1985.

MUM
This spray, I think. I think it’s turned you into me.

They raise their hands and touch each other.

A moment.

DAD
(EMOTIONAL)
It’s just--

MUM
-- so hard.

DAD AND MUM
I don’t think we should ever use this again.

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How I drank from a gravy boat in a job interview. My third worst job interview ever. #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 11 October 2017

How I drank from a gravy boat in a job interview. My third worst job interview ever. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you think back on the times you put yourself at physical risk to earn money for your family.


I’m still working up my courage to write about my first and second worst job interviews ever. So let’s have a crack at number 3.

It was for a headhunter firm - already alarm bells should be ringing here. The trouble with recruitment firms approaching me is that I’ve got to separate myself from feeling flattered that they’ve contacted me... from the fact that they earn their money from me being there for free.

I got to their offices in London’s trendy Oxford Street and I was obviously the first one there, because the clients - the two women from the actual company looking to hire someone - had only just settled into the bare room that was set aside for them.

The start of my interview involved choosing which was the best seat to sit on, while they were giddy to be out of their office for the day and choosing which were the best pastries to start on.

I didn’t mind any of this. It was charming to be around their glee at what their company was paying for.

Eventually it hit them that, you know, I was in there too, crowding the moment.

They suddenly seemed very guilty and offered me a coffee.

Sure!

Finally, being the only person in the room not being paid to be here... I can join in and might even swing the chat around to why we’re here.

(Message to my kids - if you’re ever offered a drink in a job interview, always always go for a water. Rejecting it always goes down badly - like you’re being offish. And going for a hot drink always involves distracting business that has nothing to do with why you’re there. Milk? Sugar? Ooops I’ve spilt some... etc. etc. etc.)

“Oh, I am so sorry. We’ve only got two cups.”
Was this some kind of test?

“There’s the milk jug.”
They both giggled. I held it up - it was empty, and it was definitely a gravy boat.
This was some classy recruitment outfit.

“I think it’s a gravy boat.” I said out loud.

“You could drink it from that, if you don’t mind?”

I was in now.
There was no way I was going to back down from this.
I still don’t know where it was going, but do know this is where I double-down.

“Okay.
No, no sugar, thank you.
Ooops I’ve spilt some... ”

The only thing I remember from the rest of the 20 minute interview was the look on their faces as I’d break the conversation to wilfully take awkward sips of coffee from their borrowed gravy boat.

It was a sort of a wavy line where smiles should have been.

At the time, I was so eager to please that when they wanted to know if I had any questions at the end, I didn't even think to ask “How little do you care about your company that you don’t know your industry well enough to conduct a search for staff yourself?”

How little do I care about my industry that I’m relying on a company to find me a job.

Though to be fair I was all caught up in myself, stopping hot drink dribbling from the spout into my lap.


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Why Club biscuits are banned by my wife from our house #DadDirt


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