Friday, 28 February 2014

SHIP OF TIN CANS - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery

#51 - SHIP OF TIN CANS



Cans of food, various.

We just happened upon this.

It's like some kind of crop circle.



But the crops have been harvested.

And canned.



And then arranged into some kind of two-level ship situation.

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New mobile phone weather overload - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Thursday, 27 February 2014

New mobile phone weather overload - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- New mobile phone weather overload -


Life in 2014:

Love how new mobiles are obsessed with giving me the latest weather.

Its like the most important thing to it. THE WEATHER.



Do you want it as a big box? Small? On the lock screen?
Here, have some more weather.

New York? Do you want to know the temperature in New York?
Not there? Where?
Where do you want it?



WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?


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And I said yes you look wonderful tonight - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Wednesday, 26 February 2014

And I said yes you look wonderful tonight - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS



INT. KITCHEN - DAY

I'm doing the washing-up, and my Wife is cutting something. RADIO 2 is playing: Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton.

WIFE:
There's more to it than that.

ME:
Huh?

WIFE:
She puts on her make-up. And brushes her long blonde hair. And "Yes", you look wonderful tonight.

ME:
Ah... yeah. Guess he's saying that she looks good, whatever.

WIFE:
Plucking. De-fuzzing everything.
(THEN) Hair straighteners. Putting on false eyelashes.

I go to say something.

WIFE: (cont.)
Doing nails. Various serums and volume mousses.
Fake tan. (PAUSE) Moisturisers.

I wait to see if that's it.

WIFE: (cont.)
You've just put on your makeup, and brushed your long blonde hair.
(Right) You look "wonderful" tonight.

She's seen right through Clapton's woman.


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Nighttime Midnight Plastic Crap Bin Bag Man - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Monday, 24 February 2014

Nighttime Midnight Plastic Crap Bin Bag Man - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- Nighttime Midnight Plastic Crap Bin Bag Man -



Finally... on the floor of every room in our house, we have managed to achieve an even distribution of Lego bricks, Mega Bloks, batteries, plastic coins, letters and numbers.

I'm going to invent a folklore, to help everyone prepare for this.
Like the Tooth Fairy.
He will be known as Nighttime Midnight Plastic Crap Bin Bag Man.

All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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FIVE CIRCLE HALLWAY SQUIGGLE - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery


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Friday, 21 February 2014

FIVE CIRCLE HALLWAY SQUIGGLE - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery

#50 - FIVE CIRCLE HALLWAY SQUIGGLE



"SuckUK Drumstick Pencil, Black on B&Q Matt Brilliant White Emulsion

This is a clever one - we heard the 'swissshhhh swissssshhhh swissshhhhh' of the pencil, but arrived too late to find these:

Four concentric circles with a final fifth circle in the centre.



The full gallery of toddler art is here...

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More greatest steadicam shots in the world ever


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Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Washing up the recycling - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- Washing up the recycling -



Life in 2014:
This is a picture of me doing the washing up, of something that’s going into the recycling.
(It's a jar of Simply M&S Peanut Butter. The hardest jar a man can rinse.)

I know it makes sense - we don’t want to get rats.

But here I am, washing up things that we’re throwing away.

I’ve tried starting a list of hates before, twice. Here goes for a third time.

My list of hates will go here:
DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - Appendix I: These are my hates.


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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Tescos Valentines - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Sunday, 16 February 2014

Ovary Predictions - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- Ovary Predictions -

(Picture from my soon to be launched game: NHS Direct diagram or Star Wars fan art)


Friend claims she can tell from which side her egg is ovulating in any month.

It's like some kind of uterine party trick.


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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BABY CAR SEAT VOMIT - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery


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Friday, 14 February 2014

BABY CAR SEAT VOMIT - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery


#49 - BABY CAR SEAT VOMIT



Human vomit, colours various, on Maxi-Cosi Tobi car seat, brown

With our hiding of all artistic and creative materials in the home, The Artists find new ways to make a mark.
In new locations. And with new mixed media.

Creating a display, and in many ways a scene, in a pop-up gallery for the Tesco 'Hoover Building' carpark, Greenford.


The full gallery of toddler art is here...

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Hints To Your Other Half Through Cups Of Tea #1 - BAD DADDY


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Thursday, 13 February 2014

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

How I’m Leaving O2 - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- How I’m Leaving O2 -



Life in 2014:
They don’t teach this in school - how to break up with a supplier.
They should.

Here’s how suppliers work - we all know this - I’ve just never tried to articulate it.

They have a flash ad campaign - in this case with a weird-but-nice half-man half-unicorn and the best deal.



Then, months later, they creep the prices up. I haven’t found a word for it yet: that direct debit creep. Now, even though you now pay 10% more for the same thing, it’s a ballache to have to move or get it back down again. To go through every Direct Debit Creep™ where it’s “only” gone up by two or three quid a month.



So today I’m leaving O2, nine days after getting the email announcing a price increase. It’s taken me decades to get this, but the trick is to decide on the move and then do it.

Don’t waste time messing around trying to get them to offer a better deal - just go and find a better deal.

(In this case, Virgin Mobile at a monthly rate half of what I’m currently paying with double the data and 4 times the minutes. But that’ll creep up too.)
O2 Retentions:
I’ll just take a look here (at my script)... Maybe we could offer you a better deal.”


Me:
No, that’s alright. Thanks - I just need a PAC code.


O2 Retentions:
Of course. While my computer is generating that, may I ask why you’re thinking of leaving us today?


Me:
Ah, I just felt like it.


O2 Retentions:
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear a reply. I was just asking, why you’re thinking of leaving us today?


Me:
I just... I don't know... felt like it?


O2 Retentions:
(PAUSE) Okay. I have your PAC code now, do you have a pen and paper?



ME:
(SINGING BADLY) Whatda-have to do, to make you love me...


SERIES OF STILLS: ALL THE GOOD TIMES O2 AND I HAD TOGETHER

- THE O2 STARTUP SCREEN ON MY PHONE;
- THE “HI THERE” WELCOME EMAIL
- TEXT MESSAGE: “Charges since your last bill are £15.99 ex VAT”



- PULL IN SLOWLY ON: “You have 0 anytime any network mins”



ME:
(OFFSCREEN, SINGING BADLY) What'd I got to do, to be heard...


- SCREENGRAB: GUARDIAN: O2 TO CHALLENGE OFCOM OVER MID-CONTRACT PRICE INCREASES



- THE PRICE INCREASE EMAIL:



- CLOSE UP: “Hello Neil”



- CLOSE UP: “Important news about the price of your mobile tariff”



- CLOSE UP: DENSE TEXT WITH RPI AND DATE AND PRICE FIGURES



- CLOSE UP: “How do I know this is really from O2?”



- CLOSE UP: O2 “HELP” ICON



- SCREENGRAB: O2 HELP CHAT “Hello, I need a PAC code”

- CLOSE UP: “Session Aborted”

- CLOSE UP: “BE MORE DOG”



- TEXT MESSAGE: “HERE IS YOUR PAC. TO CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT”

- PULL IN ON MY REPLY: “Goodbye...”



ME:
(SINGING BADLY) So sad, so sad, what a sad sad situation.
Always seems to me...
...sorry seems to be the hard- est- woorrrrrrrrrd.


FADE TO BLACK

FADE UP AGAIN:
An email tonight from O2 telling me they're billing me for the whole of the next month after leaving.

FADE TO BLACK.

Daddanomics is how dads cope with money.
All the daddanomics posts are tagged here.


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Running Past The 6th Form Girls On The Station - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Monday, 10 February 2014

Running Past The 6th Form Girls On The Station - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- Running Past The 6th Form Girls On The Station -



This conversation totally did not take place.

ME:
I hate being late for the train. You know, running past the Sixth Form Girls in a sweaty old state...

WIFE:
So, you want to look good in front of the Sixth Form Girls.

ME:
No. No! I’m just saying, you know, hauling my sorry mess onto the platform is embarrassing.

WIFE:
I don’t understand - you’re trying to impress them?

ME:
No! I just mean biologically... statistically... they’re the ones most likely to mock me.

WIFE:
Hmmmmm.


And so falls ever deeper, that self-dug hole I had no idea even existed.


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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In the event of my death - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Sunday, 9 February 2014

Friday, 7 February 2014

MESSY HIGH HAND BOX - Friday Night Toddler Art Gallery

#48 - MESSY HIGH HAND BOX



Peppa Pig Strawberry Fromage Frais, Pink, on IKEA Drona canvas storage box, black

The height of this piece is impressive, even if the damage to our Expedit storage shelf system isn't.

In fact the Artist's reach is what this is about. Repeated hand motions are used to emphasise this.



Indeed The Artist may well have been high in more ways than one while creating this.



The second ingredient of the 'Fromage Frais' is sugar.

By the way, you've gotta love how this is explained:
"No artificial colours or sweeteners"
"No fruit bits" (Yay! No bits of fruit! Whoop!)
"Free from artificial sweetners" (That sugar is totally real.)





The full gallery of toddler art is here...

Please feel free to send me your examples - Leave a comment below with any picture links!

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Clearing things off the box - BAD DADDY


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Thursday, 6 February 2014

Clearing things off the box - BAD DADDY


- Clearing things off the box - BAD DADDY



Bad Daddy:
Turns out clearing things off the box doesn't count as "tidying up".


Monday, 3 February 2014

Train Table Hunting - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

- Train Table Hunting -



Love how men have the biological need to throw their paper down onto the table or seat on the train.
With a ‘thonk’.
It’s like they've hunted it.
It's either an active part of the hunting itself, or a moment of asserting their ownership over the table.

All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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Robot High Street - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Sunday, 2 February 2014

Robot High Street - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS

Robot High Street



Walking through town, with my son on my head, talking like robots.

This is what was destroyed...

Sofa Shop (Laura Ashley)
Sock Shop
Ring Shop
Glasses shop
Waitrose
The Bank
The Toilets

And these are the spared:

The 99p shop
Book shop
Coffee shop
Robert Dyas, because of the lava lamps.


All my 2014 Dad Lessons For My Kids are here

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More Peace Of Mind from More Companies... - DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS


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Saturday, 1 February 2014