How my favourite comedian Mitch Hedberg did writing...

Just added this to my online shrine to Mitch Hedberg...

Lynn Shawcroft - Mitch Was a Writer | Modern Comedian - Episode 4



freewriting, rare home footage, and a glimpse at the notebooks...

And that shrine with all the Mitch Hedberg links is here...

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Our house rules 2015

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Our house rules 2015

Our house rules 2015.

No spitting
No raspberries
No rude words
No showing bottoms
No fighting
No biting

All the ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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Bit of Christmas spirit. Turns out its for free - adventures of a tightwad dad

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Bit of Christmas spirit. Turns out its for free - adventures of a tightwad dad

This week, I put my ticket in our local hospital carpark machine.
And it was 3 minutes over the ‘free drop off’ 15 minutes.

This carpark is run for profit by Carillion.
But the guy in the ticket office over the speaker let me out.
For free.

The 63 bus on Blackfriars Bridge was rammed, and drove past.
Another one came along 5 minutes later even more rammed - passengers in the front door lobby.
The driver opened the doors and let me on, saving me another 10 minute wait in the rain.


(this is the bus, after I got off)

We can look out for when we’ve been ripped off.
Hard done by.
Gouged.
Taken for a ride.
Pushed into a leveraged position.
Rinsed, beaten and defeated.
(Hello Lawyers. Politicians. Insurance companies. "Journalists".)

Or we can watch-out for the nice.
When someone looks you in the eye.
Acknowledges you.
Sees the humour.

You know. Be kind.


adventures of a tightwad dad... all here

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We never clean our Jamie At Home pizza dish - adventures of a tightwad dad

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We never clean our Jamie At Home pizza dish - adventures of a tightwad dad

Our Jamie At Home Pizza dish can't go in the dishwasher.

It's always on our sink.

Taking a punt that Jamie and Jools don't have one permanently on theirs.


It's "inspired by Jamie Oliver's relaxed approach to eating, entertaining and enjoying life."




Which is good, because leaving it out on the sink is
"inspired by Jamie Oliver's relaxed approach to eating, entertaining and enjoying life."


All the ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD are right here

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Being charged extra for non-dairy and "in" at Caffe Nero - adventures of a tightwad dad

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Being charged extra for non-dairy and "in" at Caffe Nero - adventures of a tightwad dad

You know you're a tightwad dad when...

You're fed up with Caffe Nero charging extra for Soya and “In”, because... I dunno.

Maybe dairy intolerant agrophobics earn more money.

Costa doesn't and is next door.


All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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Looking at this helps neither them nor me... Dad Stuff For My Kids

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Looking at this helps neither them nor me... Dad Stuff For My Kids

Written on the front page of my Standard tonight...



"Looking at this
helps neither them
nor me."

Dad Stuff For My Kids 2014 here

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More TV graphics gone bad

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More TV graphics gone bad

Couple more to add to the collection...

On the X-Factor Last Wekend...




They're advancing on Helvetica and Comic Sans...




The rest of the TV graphics gone bad...



...all (click) llliVe here

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Having to type in your cars reg into a pay and display machine and screwing it up - Adventures of a tightwad dad

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Having to type in your cars reg into a pay and display machine and screwing it up - Adventures of a tightwad dad

You know you're a Tightwad Dad when...

You worry about typing your car's registration into a pay and display machine and screwing it up.

(You know the ones... that don't let you create a community spirit by passing the ticket on to someone who needs it...)

We wrote this beauty of an essay in the Tewkesbury swimming pool car park...


All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD from the painful start, right here

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Local shops - Adventures of a tightwad dad

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Local shops - Adventures of a tightwad dad

Support your local shops.

Earn 30% more so you can afford to buy stuff there.


ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD are all here

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Even more uninvented words for tightwad dads - Adventures of a tightwad dad

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Even more uninvented words for tightwad dads - Adventures of a tightwad dad

Here are some words, just for tightwad dads.



Amteasia
Forgetting that you’ve completely left a hot drink half-made.

See also:

Amfreezia
Forgetting that you’ve put a beer in the freezer to get it cold quickly.

Chardonnayfraude
Getting away with bringing cheap wine to a party.

Shituation
All of the above.


All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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What writing a sitcom script actually looks like - Dad stuff for my kids

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What writing a sitcom script actually looks like - Dad stuff for my kids

What writing a sitcom script actually looks like.

By me.


All my 2014 Dad Stuff For My Kids is here

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Adding up our 99p store batteries - Adventures Of A Tightwad Dad

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Adding up our 99p store batteries - Adventures Of A Tightwad Dad

You know you're a Tightwad Dad when...

You've wrecked more than 99 quids' worth of toys with 99p shop batteries.


All ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD start right here

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Thinking up fake company names for Lidl... Adventures Of A Tightwad Dad

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Thinking up fake company names for Lidl... Adventures Of A Tightwad Dad

You know you're a Tightwad Dad when...

You think you could come up with fake company names for Lidl products.

But then realise nothing would beat "Meadow Fresh Houmous".




All the Adventures Of A Tightwad Dad from the start, here

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Sheer legends in our house - the men who do the voices of the Transformers - Fave things on the web

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Sheer legends in our house - the men who do the voices of the Transformers - Fave things on the web

These men are sheer legends in our home right now...

The voices behind the Transformers.



We looked it up and turns out that Peter Cullen was the voice of Optimus Prime back in the 80's, and was asked back to perform in the movies.




Added this to all my other fave stuff on the web

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Our Double 'A' Blaster - Adventures of a tightwad dad

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Our Lego as currency - Adventures of a Tightwad Dad

- Lego as currency -



You know you're a Tightwad Dad when...

You've considered a catastrophic financial future where Lego becomes currency.

Because it's the most expensive substance in your house.

A precious commodity that can be traded, stored, and in our case stockpiled in carpets.

More than that: you've actually quantified your net worth in Lego and how far it might get you in The New World Order.

(Taking into account the weird pieces which are obviously worth a bit more).

Got to say. Quietly reassured by the amount of special clear bricks we can put down...

Guess we'll just still be putting it on the plastic.


All my ADVENTURES OF A BRITISH DAD here

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Our Double 'A' Blaster - Adventures of a tightwad dad

- Our Double 'A' Blaster -



You know you're a Tightwad Dad when...

You start thinking about patents when your kids design and build their own weapons.

This is: “The Double A Blaster”

® ALL RIGHTS RESERVED


All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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My Items To Bags To Loyalty Card Green Points Ratio - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD

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My Items To Bags To Loyalty Card Green Points Ratio - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD

- My Items To Bags To Loyalty Card Green Points Ratio -



You know you're a Tightwad Dad when...

You try to push your ratio of supermarket bags-to-items-to-Green reuse Nectar Card points, to the limit.

One item per bag, right?

You've thought about it but aren't man enough yet to do it.

One item per shopping bag.

You know you want to.

All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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I dont have to wear Santanders hat - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD

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I dont have to wear Santanders hat - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD

- I don’t have to wear Santander’s hat -



"Lewis Hamilton gets paid millions by Santander, and has to wear a hat.

I owe Santander an entire house, and dont have to wear their hat.

In my head, that makes me the Alpha Male, right?"


All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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Been brushing my teeth like a dummy - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

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Been brushing my teeth like a dummy - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

- Been brushing my teeth like a dummy -



Did my teeth with the hot water tap.

What the hell have I been doing for these past four decades?

It's like a jacuzzi in my mouth.

All my 2014 Dad Stuff For My Kids is here

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The Mayor of Reykjavik is a dude... - fave stuff on the web

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The Mayor of Reykjavik is a dude... - fave stuff on the web

The Mayor of Reykjavík is a dude...

An Icelandic friend pointed me in the direction of this:

"It goes like this ... This slogan was actually used and you can buy a T-shirt with it. They have it in children sizes ...and did you know that he mayor of Reykjavík is one of our best standup comedian?"



After I'd seen this -- Why Iceland should be on the news, but isn't.

"...What happened next was extraordinary. The belief that citizens had to pay for the mistakes of a financial monopoly, that an entire nation must be taxed to pay off private debts was shattered, transforming the relationship between citizens and their political institutions and eventually driving Iceland’s leaders to the side of their constituents..."

HELVITIS FOKKING FOKK!


More on Jon Gnarr here

Added this to the rest of my fave stuff on the web here

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Train Disabled Toilet Door song - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

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Train Disabled Toilet Door song - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

Train Disabled Toilet Door song



The disabled toilet automatic doors on the train,
Are so very slow to move, it's a bit of a pain.
They're kindly built for the differently-abled, not me,
I must stand there and wait before I begin my wee.

The access is good and inclusive and right,
For years campaigners this privilege did fight.
But these eternal seconds are giving me the hump,
All I want to do is start my dump.

I was stood there.
Like a lemon.
Doing my thing now.
Feels like heaven.

We have to check that no disabled are near,
So we can enter their only bogs without fear.
I've seen men forget to press the button marked 'lock'.
The door opens and the whole carriage can see his what he's doing.

-- INSERT VIDEO OF DOOR CLOSING WITH THE COUNTDOWN MUSIC OVER THE TOP --



All my 2014 Dad Stuff For My Kids is here (when I get round to pasting them in...)

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And Its At Times Like This, I Often Think... - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

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And Its At Times Like This, I Often Think... - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

And It's At Times Like This, I Often Think... - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

"What would the 3 women from the Blurred Lines video do?"

It helps.

All my profoundly wise Dad Stuff For My Kids 2014 lessons are shared here

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When Copyright Spoils The Very Thing Its Meant To Protect - THE GREAT DISRUPTION

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When Copyright Spoils The Very Thing Its Meant To Protect - THE GREAT DISRUPTION

When Copyright Spoils The Very Thing Its Meant To Protect - THE GREAT DISRUPTION

I try to get down the struggle that legacy media is creating for itself, and put it on a page called The Great Disruption.
There's a link below.


© GRUNDY PRODUCTIONS PTY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

When I was 14, I got the official "Neighbours" T-shirt.
It had a huge logo across the chest in the correct blue on white fabric.
Very 1986.
But it also had a MASSIVE copyright notice right underneath it, that ran pretty much across the full width.
© GRUNDY PRODUCTIONS PTY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

I didn't have a clue what a PTY was - and pretty sure most 14 year olds didn't either.
I even remember the full stop on that PTY.
Why is there legal punctuation on a Tee that's celebrating (or plugging) the show?

Because it's there perhaps for the people who made it, not for the people who (might) want to buy it.

An arse-covering exercise across a teenager's chest.
Trendy!



Back to 2014, my wife brought back this Wicked mug as a reminder of her great night out.

It's a lovely all-over print design, with a witty inscription on the middle (Defy Gravity)...



....and dirty great big fat ugly copyright and trademark notices all over the logo.

What's funny to me is... the thing being spoilt by the very thing that meant to protect it?


And not sure that's going to fly in the Great Disruption.

I'll add this to all the other examples in The Great Disruption.


All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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The worst substance known to mankind - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD #TightwadDad

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The worst substance known to mankind - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD #TightwadDad

- The worst substance known to mankind -



The worst substance known to mankind is the dust on stuff bought from a car boot sale.

It always smells like “someone else”.

Remember going to a mate’s house after-school, and it would just “smell” different?

That.
That smell.


ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD, from the start, here.

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Difficult talks at our breakfast table - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

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Difficult talks at our breakfast table - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

- Difficult talks over our breakfast table -



We had a heated biblical discussion over our breakfast.

Turns out that Optimus Prime was the First Transformer.

All my 2014 Dad Stuff For My Kids is here

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The Forrestry Commission is basically a car-park operator - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD

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The Forrestry Commission is basically a car-park operator - ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD

The Forrestry Commission is basically a car-park operator



I was trying to convince my son that you dont have to spend money to have a good time or be happy.

He wanted some glow sticks from the 99p Store, so I tried to remind him about the trip we took last week where we walked up a really steep hill.

ME:
You remember that don’t you? We had a great time - and that was just walking up a hill. We didn’t spend any money there to be happy, did we?

LONG PAUSE.

5 YR OLD SON:
You spent money in the car park. You put money in the machine when you drived us there.

He was right.

Which means I think maybe he is absolutely in the right.

The Forrestry Commission is basically a car-park operator

Further ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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This Seasons Must-Haves... and other dread phrases in the supermarket - #TightwadDad

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This Seasons Must-Haves... and other dread phrases in the supermarket - #TightwadDad

This Seasons Must-Haves... and other dread phrases in the supermarket



This was on my facebook feed:
"make-up bag must-haves from the likes of Sam Faiers and Christine Bleakley...."



I'm taking a wild and unfair punt that Tesco's Must-Haves aren't water, oxygen and companionship.

Must-haves.
It's terminology that's smudged over from glossy magazines into "real life".
There are signs in the stores brandishing the dread word/phrase "Must-have" in the stores now.

How about this Season's Must-Have: Long hours at work. To pay for the Must-Haves for next season.
Next season's Must-Have: Being happy with what you've got.

Sorry - saying all this in the wrong place.



See also:
PEACE OF MIND (the collection of pieces of peace of mind)

MORE SUPERMARKET WISDOM (signs and receipts and stuff)


All my ADVENTURES OF A TIGHTWAD DAD here

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Heres the problem, son - people are scared - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

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Heres the problem, son - people are scared - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

- Heres the problem, son - people are scared -



Here's the problem, Son.
You are very clever.
It's a bit rude to say to people "I'm really clever".
But you know you shouldn't do that because you are very clever.
Mummy is very clever.
Your Sister is very clever - even though she's only 3.
And I am really clever. I think.

We live in a world that looks like it has people who aren't very clever.
But they are just scared of what will happen if they show how clever they are.
So people are shy, or afraid to say they "don't know" the answer to a question.
Or copy what other people do, so that they can fit-in and won't look silly.

They want to hide how clever they can be.
So we watch people on telly, who do things that aren't very difficult.
Or who try to do exactly what they are told.
Or try to be 'picked' for something, by someone who says they are a judge.



But you know, because you are clever, that you should never let anyone judge you.

If someone doesn't let you in to something... why not start your own thing.

And be the best at that.



They say the country is run by people called politicians.
They speak slowly, and say things that they think people want to hear.
But because they are trying to hide that they are clever, they think that they can't say that they don't know the answer to something.
Or that they've changed their mind.

It's okay to change your mind.
And it's okay to look things up.
And it's very okay to ask people what they think. They like to be asked.
It doesn't have to change what you choose to do.


All my 2014 Dad Stuff For My Kids is here

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Heres the problem, son - people are scared - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

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Even more sacred and profane... things that are wrong together...

It's a basic idea in comedy that when you combine something sacred with something profane, something funny might come out the other side.

SACRED Golden Head Office Hymen Fashion model Catwalk Nature Summer’s day Breast milk Humanity Rose petals

PROFANE Toxic chemicals Explosion Bombing Bulldozer Prison Ink stain Bottom Guns Robots Thorns

So I'm banking these lists of Sacred and Profane here...

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Im now the same age as Jacko from Brushstrokes was - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

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Im now the same age as Jacko from Brushstrokes was - DAD STUFF FOR MY KIDS

- I’m now the same age as Jacko from Brushstrokes was -



Just realised that I’m now the same age that Jacko from Brushstrokes was when a girl turned him down in a bar for being too old.

They should make a greetings card for that.





All my 2014 Dad Stuff For My Kids is here

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Unwritten dinner time rules #1 - Adventures of a TightwadDad

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