Tuesday, 24 July 2018
What if the bucket man on my doorstep is a burglar? #WeAreTheProblems
I overthink everything to make the world a happier place
What if the bucket man on my doorstep is a burglar?
On Saturday we had a weird knock on the door.
All knocks on our door are suspicious.
I can't face my house most days - why would anyone else want to be there?
But this bloke in shorts, with bucket and carwash gear says:
"Hello I'm Gary. I'm your neighbour from number 23 and I'm mentally disabled.
They've cut my benefits and I'm raising money by washing cars."
I feel bad about his benefits.
I don’t know why they’re cutting them.
They all seem to get spent.
Isn’t that good for the economy?
But I've no idea why he’s picked our drive.
Our car's so clean it looks like the kids eat their dinners off it.
And then go to the toilet on there too.
Plus car dirt's carcinogenic.
He's mentally disabled now, but if he cleans my heap he'll end up with cancer on top.
Anyway he carried on talking and rambling about stuff that didn't really make any sense.
He wanted money, and I want money too.
We spent all ours on this car, so of course we'd want to protect our investment.
By letting some random self-diagnosed mentally ill guy all over it.
Maybe he thought the time it took to answer the door means I'm cash-rich and time-poor.
I should've pretended that I was The Staff.
Like in Downton Abbey.
But the kids are playing up.
This is the worst time to be dealing with this.
I need mentally unbalanced people offering me childcare.
Not cleaning services.
Stupid Universe not delivering yet again.
But there was something about his story that wasn't adding up.
I said, so you’re at number 23?
"Er... yes, urm Cheltenham Street, it’s a few streets away."
I closed the door and returned to my kids meltdown.
Then I had a meltdown - there is no Cheltenham Street in our town.
There's a street that sounds a bit like that but it's over a half hour walk away.
You’d have to have a mental problem to walk that with a bucket and car wash gear.
And then it hit me: either I’m a terrible person for questioning this...
or this is a plan to burgle us that's absolutely brilliant.
Wouldn’t it be perfect cover - to make you feel bad.
Plus any inconsistencies can just be put down to the mental disability.
Because like the Government, we all love making the disabled answer painfully personal questions.
“Like are you a bit, you know, “Uhh-uhhhhhhh”?
Or is it random and violent?”
“Does asking questions set you off?”
Who knows... maybe his condition means he’d overdo the work.
Maybe I’d come out ahead on this.
But if not - if he is a burglar - this is pure genius.
Either I give him cash on the doorstep...
Or walk him through the house, past all the crucial entry points and confirm where all the keys go.
We're on a meter, he even gets to nick our water.
It’s like the Thomas Crown Affair.
Or Oceans Eleven. With a bucket.
Anyway turns out he does come from a long way away, but he’s a drug addict.
He's not mentally disabled.
He's a local celebrity - infamous on the other side of town.
Maybe he’s looking for fresh cash.
He's a sponge. With a sponge.
But I'm a tightwad.
And my benefits are noisy kids and a filthy car.
What if the problem is I am a straight white man? #WeAreTheProblems
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