You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you walk into being yelled at without even trying.
INT. BIG CHAIN SUPERMARKET SUPERSTORE - DAY
I'M NEXT UP ON CHECKOUT 14.
ME:
Hi
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
Need any bags?
ME:
Yeah, can I get 2 of those Bags For Life please?
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
I've only got these. They're 5p.
ME:
(INSIDE) That was abrupt. But that's okay - I just need the bags for life.
(OUT LOUD) Have you got any of the, you know, the big ones?
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
I haven't got any. You've got to get them at the start. Over there.
SHE POINTS TO THE OTHER END OF THE CHECKOUT. A COUPLE IS UNLOADING STUFF ONTO THE BELT.
ME:
(INSIDE) I'm married with 2 kids. I'm used to getting yelled at. This is funny.
(OUT LOUD) Okay.
I WALK TO THE END OF THE CHECKOUT.
THERE'S NONE ON THE HOOK.
I BREATHE OUT, SMILE, AND SAUNTER OVER TO THE NEXT CHECKOUT.
NONE THERE.
NEXT CHECKOUT: SOME SQUARE PARALYMPIC BAGS.
ME:
(INSIDE) A quid?! These aren't the ones.
(OUT LOUD) Are these the ones?
I HOLD THEM UP TO THE CHECKOUT WOMAN NOW FOUR CHECKOUTS AWAY.
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
(YELLS ANGRY) No!
I'M IN LIKE FLYNN. I WALK ANOTHER 2 CHECKOUTS.
THERE'S A LONE BIG PLASTIC BAG.
ME:
(INSIDE) I'll just get this one. It's not the right one. And there's only one.
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
(YELLS) There you are.
ME:
Do you know how I can get two?
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
Pick up TWO.
ME:
But there's only one left.
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
(YELLS ANGRY) You're holding up the queue!
ME:
(INSIDE) I just want a bag.
(OUT LOUD) Honestly, I'm not holding up the queue, I--
NEXT WOMAN:
YES YOU ARE HOLDING UP THE QUEUE!
NEXT WOMAN IN LINE (EARLY 50'S, FROM THE FUSSY END OF PRIMARK) IS SCREAMING AT ME.
ME:
(INSIDE) Woah. She is really angry.
NEXT WOMAN:
JUST GET A BAG
ME:
She hasn't got any!
NEXT WOMAN:
(SCREAMING) WELL GO AND GET ONE THEN.
YOUNG BLOKE WITH HER (T-SHIRT, SWEATPANTS, TATTOOS) TRIES CALMING HER.
YOUNG BLOKE:
Stella... don't...
ME:
(INSIDE) Keep it calm.
(OUT LOUD) Where do you think I can get one from.
NEXT WOMAN:
I DON'T CARE JUST GET BACK THERE AND PACK UP YOUR STUFF.
ME:
(GENUINE) In what, I haven't got any bags.
YOUNG BLOKE TURNS ON ME.
YOUNG BLOKE:
Go over there and pack up your stuff. Now. Conduct yourself like a man.
ME:
(INSIDE) I don't even know what that means. And I don't want to walk round them.
(OUT LOUD) Conduct myself like a man?
YOUNG BLOKE:
Go there now and get your *hit together.
ME:
(INSIDE) The-whole-checkout-is-attacking me.
(OUT LOUD) Get, my, *hit togehter?
YOUNG BLOKE:
(MOCKING) Look at you. You're shaking.
ME:
(INSIDE) Yes, yes I am shaking.
(OUT LOUD) Yes, yes I am shaking. You're all yelling at me, and all I want is a couple of bags.
I WALK THE NARROW LINE BACK TO MY END OF THE CHECKOUT BELT.
ME:
(INSIDE) She looks like she is going to hit me.
NEXT WOMAN:
(SNARL) I AM GOING TO HIT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET A MOVE ON.
ME:
(INSIDE) I've got to do something.
(OUT LOUD) I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. The last thing I wanted to do when I got up was make you angry.
NEXT WOMAN:
(LOST IT) THAT'S HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN 'ERE. SINCE THIS MORNING.
(I CLEANED THAT UP.)
ME:
(BEG) Please, come on, I'm sorry.
Honest. Don't get angry. I'm sorry.
NEXT WOMAN IS SLAMMING ALL HER STUFF OFF THE CHECKOUT BELT BACK INTO HER TROLLEY.
ME:
(LIMP) I'm sorry.
NEXT WOMAN:
I BET YOUR MOTHER WAS SORRY WHEN SHE HAD YOU.
THEY MOVE OVER TO ANOTHER CHECKOUT.
ME:
Ah, sorry, she's dead now. It was in a lot of pain, if that's any help.
(INSIDE) That didn't come out right.
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
Don't worry. I was trying to say, why don't you have a 10p bag and two 5p bags?
ME:
(INSIDE) I don't care. I just wanted the bigger ones.
(OUT LOUD) Sure. I'm sorry. Honestly, I didn't care - I was just trying to get them.
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
Look, they're yelling over there now.
THERE THEY ARE.
ME:
(INSIDE) What did I do?
CHECKOUT WOMAN:
You might wanna let them leave first. Don't take the lift, if you know what I'm saying.
ME:
(LIMP) Sure.
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