Wednesday, 20 June 2018
What if we're the baddies? #WeAreTheProblems
I overthink everything to make the world a happier place
What if it takes me 10 minutes to work out that we are the baddies?
My kids came home from school and they were absolutely buzzing about Gandhi.
They want to know everything about this amazing hero from India.
And I’m delighted.
Finally, they’re into something where I don’t have to buy more expensive crap.
Optimus Prime and Lego Friends Andrea?
Get out and don’t come back.
Mahatma’s in da house.
And we’re looking up all the videos and movies and cartoons - there are Gandhi cartoons.
When you’ve got one billion people in your country, they’ve got you covered on every level of culture.
And what a brilliant story.
This man’s just in robes, and wears glasses.
And he's a baldy like me!
Using peaceful protest and passive resistance to kick out the army of baddies that shouldn’t’ve been there in the first place and...
It took me ten minutes to work out that we were the baddies.
“Daddy? Why are we running their country?”
When I was growing up, it was all British Airways adverts and Rule Britannia Last night of the Proms...
“Daddy, why were we taking all their stuff away?”
I had a “BRITAIN IS GREAT!” Union Jack top and we had parties in the streets - painting pavements and lampposts - we turned Central London into an actual Union Jack..
“Daddy, why wouldn’t we let Indian people use their own salt?”
And I’m reaching now.
Grabbing at anything so the British Empire doesn’t come off as a total knob.
“Well kids, we uh... did it for the money...
And money’s good, right? And we got all the railways and the big famous stone buildings, and er...”
“Slaves, Daddy. Did we have slaves?”
“Oh, boy. Yes. We, we did slaves. We did slaves real good... But here’s the thing.
Germany came along and did things much worse than crushing a billion people.
And they didn’t even do it for the cash.
And they bombed everything - the big stone buildings and the railways and...
And India worked out great.
They invented Bollywood and call centres so Daddy can yell at the bank down the phone... we practically work for them now.
“So Daddy, what you’re saying is because of the Germans, we completely got away with treating that many people so badly.”
Well, no. Not exactly.
Because I’ve got to explain it to you now, and you’ll have to explain it to your kids, and then their kids will have to explain it too.”
Then the kids are all like where's Optimus Prime and Lego Friends Andrea?
And I know that glasses and robes and a bald head aren't gonna get me out of this one.
What if I need to treat my T-shirts better? #WeAreTheProblems
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