Monday, 16 April 2018
What if no caravan can contain this? #WeAreTheProblem
I overthink everything to make the world a happier place
What if no caravan can contain this?
I’ve taken my family on Caravan Park Holidays 5 times now because I clearly earn too much money and love my life.
The caravan has wheels but it’s static.
Which means you can’t move it to say, somewhere like, a better place to have a holiday.
My wife already knows every single worst aspect about me.
But now she gets to be locked in a plastic container with it.
For a whole week.
My kids, of course, argued the whole time.
Mainly about which facility they thought will kill them the first.
So we went on long walks.
Sadly the bad weather meant I never made it home.
It was so good, we stayed up all night.
Because the caravan’s curtains couldn't.
And the food is all-you-can-cook.
With the kitchen’s generous none-of-the-utensils.
On the first day I made soup.
It started out as bacon, mushrooms, beans and egg.
But with only one pot, it always came out as soup.
We had soup for every dinner.
And I am totally grateful.
Eating slop on a couch that reeks of dog anus.
It’s the perfect TV dinner.
57 channels and not one fresh vegetable.
The swimming pool was opened by Duncan Goodhew in 1987.
And it will be great when it is finished.
I think it's in his biography, under: “My Gift Of Hell To The Future.”
The water was just the right temperature, for a dead torso with no limbs.
Which is exactly what we thought would be bobbing along right next to us.
In the evenings, it has its own entertainment complex.
And it’s very complex.
For the adults, a bar.
And for the kids, unlimited cash gambling.
Rows and rows of coin pushers, prize grabbers and slot machines.
I tried to cheer the kids up by telling them it’s some kind of theme park.
Where the theme is profanity.
So now the kids are shovelling as much of my cash into these slots as quick as they can.
It was easier for me to lie upside down and jiggle my pockets.
Which ironically is exactly how they were conceived.
If you win a game, the machines pump out tickets.
The tickets are currency you can cash in for a wide choice of prizes:
Candy Canes, Cola Cables or Type 2 Diabetes.
They’re worth about a penny in bulk, and cost me a fiver.
An exchange rate so bad that it makes Brexit jealous.
We went for a break. And now I’m broke.
What if they just teach on the inset days instead? And #PowerDaydream 197-203
All about me, and getting these by email.