Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Sorry to bother you but the porn's not working again #DadDirt



MUM cradles her phone in the LIVING ROOM, with a glowing LAPTOP SCREEN.

MUM
Hi, sorry to call you at work...

DAD's at his groaning desk.

DAD
It’s not really a great time.

MUM
I know, I know I’m sorry, it’s just a quick one. I... I can’t get the porn to work.

DAD rolls his eyes.

DAD
(SIGH) Are you actually at the porn? Are you there?

MUM
Yep I’ve got it all on. I just don’t know what to do with it now.

DAD
Are you sure the porn is there, in front of you, ready?

MUM
Aha...

DAD
Okay, erm... are you at the start of the porn.

MUM
Yes, I’m at the start. It’s not working.

DAD
Okay, do you know which porn you want.

MUM
YES.

DAD
I wish you’d pay attention when we went through this.

MUM
I just can’t get it to work.

DAD
Are you going for the deliberately competitive stuff, or the random porn?

MUM
Random’s fine.

DAD
Okay, so you’ve got to get through a lot of the porn in a jaded way as quickly as possible for it to start working.

MUM taps on off-screen keyboard.

MUM
When should I stop?

DAD
Don’t stop! Keep it going...

MUM
I think that might be the problem.

DAD
...until you’re almost bored of it...

MUM
I might’ve spent too long finding something good.

DAD
Ah, yes - that wouldn’t work. Quick and jaded... Quick and jaded. What can you see?

MUM
Almost there.

DAD
(NO REPLY) Talk to me.

MUM
Yes, there it is thanks honey. You’re a marvel. The porn is working again now.

DAD
I’ll see you later.

DAD hangs up in a huff.

MUM is happily glued to the screen.


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