Wednesday, 15 November 2017
Me Vs The Sugar Cereal Box Monster. Thanks supermarkets. #DadDirt
Kitchen table in full family breakfast chaos... DAD is in deep thought.
There you are.
What is your point?
REVEAL he’s staring at the CEREAL BOX:
A BIG DUMB GREEN CARTOON MONSTER, holding a bowl of “Rice Crackles”
Look at the state of it.
What makes you think you have a place at my table?
Is that it?
Is this what you evolved for?
Holding a bowl of “Rice Crackles”.
It’s not even a real cereal name.
But there you are, shoving them up at us with that big dumb toothy grin.
And you can’t even hold them - you’re just sort of hugging them...
MOVING EVER CLOSER BETWEEN DAD’S EYES AND THE GRINNING MONSTER ON THE BOX.
We know you’re not eating them.
The second ingredient is sugar.
The teeth you’ve got is because you don’t eat this filth.
You’re holding that bowl like you’re going to throw it in my face.
Blind me long enough to give you the advantage in your lizard-style attack.
In the meantime, there you are, grinning like a nonce.
You’ve been on this planet for millions of years to get those features.
What have they got you doing?
What is their game?
Am I supposed to be threatened on a primal level?
Are you a challenge?
I see your challenge.
You think you’re better than me.
But look at me.
Holding my spoon.
With my opposable thumb.
(switches spoon to other hand)
I can use either hand.
Look at my thumbs.
I can use them in your eye sockets - hard enough to release me from your wonky jaws.
And then I’ll use my thumb.
My lovely bendy thumb, to jam up in your single nostril.
While using my other hand to force feed your own Rice Crackles until you choke you abomination. How’s that for 200% GDA carbohydrates “of which sugars”--
Are you okay?
Yep. We're just fine.
He smiles, back in the land of breakfast.
Can’t help one final eyeflick to the box.
Thwarting the next explosion #DadDirt
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