Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Have you ever been kicked in the face? aka Buying shoes for my daughter. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you know just the right thing to say.


In a department store you can guess, children’s shoe shop part which is that brand. My Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) weirdly letting me field this one and in an entirely unconnected note the saleswoman is a perky attractive 20-something amongst tired noisy families letting behaviour slide with the metal contraptions that measure width (and guilt) of kids’ feet that change by the week.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
10½ F

ME:
10½ F!

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
What was she before?

Blank stare.

ME:
(INSIDE) This pause is going on too long. Like when the bank asked for her Date Of Birth. I'll look to my wife like I am taking in this information.

I look to my LSW who is smiling, because she knows I have no idea.

LSW:
9½. You’ve gone up a size!

MY DAUGHTER:
Hurray!

She’s sat on my lap with the Saleswoman at my knees.
Like I'm some kind of Rasputin.

And I’ve got to look like I’m interested in any of this, but I can’t look at my daughter’s feet without the perky Saleswoman's loose top in my eyeline.

But I can’t look away because that’ll show how uninterested I am in these trainers.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
This is a good fit.

ME:
(INSIDE) Don’t look down her top.

ME:
Uh huh. (INSIDE) Don’t look down her top. Don’t look down her top.

I accidentally but completely see down her top.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
How about these ones?

ME:
(INSIDE) I didn’t mean to.

My daughter waves her feet around.

ME:
Have you ever been kicked in the face?

Perky Saleswoman perks even more.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
All the time. Once in the mouth... Another time so hard, it knocked one of my piercings clean out.

The Sales Woman giggles.

We all giggle.

LSW:
We’ll take them. Thank you.

Then stagger away through the Saturday chaos.

MY DAUGHTER:
Can I keep them on?

ME:
Thank god that’s over.

LSW:
When you got up this morning, did you think you’d ask a woman if she’s ever been kicked in the face?

ME:
No.

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My Wife vs the naked plasterer #DadDirt


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