Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Eyebrow flicker. What happens when you totally throw yourself into your Art. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you try to find new ways of finding bliss.


Me and my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) are still at the table, still watching the laptop.

ME
Look at the bass player's eyebrows. Look at them go. It's at 1:14...

VIDEO PLAYS: Squeeze on The Andrew Marr Show, Cradle to the Grave, 10th January 2016



LSW
Oh yeah. Her eyes are really going up.

ME
Doesn't that happen to you, when you really get into something, it's like your eyelids spring up by themselves?

LSW
No. Never.

ME
And then I notice it, so I'm not fully into the thing and it stops.

LSW
I've just realised why. They've changed the last verse? That they're singing to the Prime Minister?

ME
(sings) "I grew up in council housing..."

LSW
So they all know what's coming up...

ME
So they're throwing themselves into their music.

LSW
Completely. All of them. They've decided it. Probably helped with the words.

ME
And all going out as a band, to sing it, on live television, giving it their best shot.

LSW
And that's why their eyebrows flicker.


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Why are there more pictures of demolition on my phone than my own family #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Why are there more pictures of demolition on my phone than my own family #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you know exactly how to waste your time.


Me and the Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) are on laptops at the kitchen table.

LSW
Two minutes?

ME
Yep. 7 months down to 2 minutes 9 seconds.

LSW
Play it again.

(Speeded up Waterloo Station Eurostar Terminal demolition Oct 2016 - May 2017 timelapse)



ME
(watching video) I don't know why I made it. It's just bits of the old Eurostar terminal sort of partly being knocked down. I don't know why I get my camera out every time I go past it. But I do. They've got posters up to tell the police if you see people taking suspicious pictures. This is suspicious pictures.

LSW
Like it's not all on Google anyway...

ME
I don't get paid for it. Maybe I spend all day trying to think up something interesting... my mind lashes out and gets me to video other people doing work.

LSW
Doing something useful.

ME
Beautiful isn't it. The men who call this up actually want to see this but can't be there themselves. Why don't women pull their cameras out everytime they pass a major construction project?

LSW
It's the exact opposite of a selfie.

ME
"Don't tell me that demolition didn't take place. I have got the videographic evidence right here."


Previous post...
Taking my son with the £1 coins back to the bank #DadDirt


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Sunday, 14 May 2017

Taking my son with the £1 coins back to the bank #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you're trying to teach everyone the right thing to do.


I'm sat on the rickety spiral tree bench outside the library, with my 8 year old son, laying out 10 shiny new £1 coins.

ME
How does that feel?

SON
(doesn't look up)
Good.

ME
You know, because we're just wandering on a Saturday morning not doing anything better than just going round the shops... you know that I am now going to somehow turn what just happened into some kind of valuable bonding learning experience.

SON
Yes.

ME
What do you think we just learned there.

SON
(playing with the coins)
"It feels good to do the right thing."

ME
(delighted I didn't have to drag that out of him)
That's right! It does, doesn't it. Did you see the look on his face when we went back into the Bank?

SON
Yeah.

ME
He was so pleased. And because of the way you talked to him nicely - that's why he said to his manager that he knew that we'd bring the money back.

SON
Why didn't he count the coins properly in the first place?

ME
I don't know. Maybe it was because we had that nice chat and he got distracted.

SON
And gave us a sealed bag of 20 instead of 10.

ME
He would've got into a lot of trouble if we didn't take it back. And they didn't have our names or anything, so the bank would've thought that nice man behind the counter stole them. He'd already talked to his boss so it was already serious.

SON
He looked really happy when we went back in.

ME
He did. Banks aren't nice places.

SON
So why do we keep our money there?

ME
Because that's all they care about.

SON
We can go home now.

ME
Hang on. Let me check if there are any other lessons I can cram in here...
(to myself)
Honesty, happiness, helping people, man nice, banks bad...
(to him)
No we're done. Can you pick the money up? You'll lose them.

SON
I just want to look at them a bit longer.

ME
So do I.


Previous post...
Stealing my son's cheeseburger poetry #DadDirt


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Friday, 12 May 2017

Stealing my son's cheeseburger poetry #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you have a go a joining in with the kids' poetry.


My son made this.

Cheesy meat
Hungry for a Burger
Every time you have a treat
Eat and taste that meat
Scrummy food
Enjoyable to eat

Big and brown
Under ketchup
Real food
Great tasting
Excellent food
Really filling
Super nice

C-H-E-E-S-E-B-U-R-G-E-R-S!

It inspired me, but didn't come out so good.

Clear your own table
Happy meal bits causing tears
Eventually get the till
Expensive and Everyone is surly
Sticky seats
Elegance in the cardboard box

Bad meat-to-bun ratio
Undo my belt
Really cold chips
Greasy hands
ECG, Echocardiogram, Endoscopy
Relish on my trousers
Sauce on my white shirt because these are the choices we make even though we know our time on this planet is limited.

Cheeseburgers!


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My wife thinks I'm the kind to pick up paper in a public toilet #DadDirt


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Thursday, 11 May 2017

My wife thinks I'm the kind to pick up paper in a public toilet #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you're always picking up after someone else.


I'm at the Dinner Table with my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW).

LSW
In the coffee shop toilet. There's strips of paper on the floor. Would you pick them up and flush them away?

ME
(INSIDE) What have I done now?

LSW
It only takes a second, and noone wants to walk in on that.

ME
I would too. I don't want the next person thinking they're mine.

LSW
How can you be the kind of person to just leave it there? It's yours.

ME
You've sat on it.

LSW
Why would you not pick it up?

ME
I guess we're the kind of people to just be picking up toilet paper.

LSW
Why can't we just leave the toilet paper where it is?

ME
It's toilet paper.

LSW
It's a bit like the garlic bread yesterday. You'd think the frozen would be cheaper, wouldn't you, so I got some.

I'm nodding like I'm following the connection.

LSW
But when I went to the chilled, the fresh garlic bread was cheaper.

ME
Than the frozen? That's weird.

LSW
Right, so now I'm at the checkout. Why can't I just leave it at the checkout? But I feel like I'm being watched - I always do when I'm in there.

ME
You didn't take it back.

LSW
I did. I took it back to the freezer.

ME
Literally no-one will care that you did that. In fact, it's the store's fault for charging extra for the frozen.

LSW
Freezer justice.

ME
You couldn't deliver the freezer justice.

LSW
And that's why we're picking up other people's toilet paper.


Previous post...
Trying to monetise my dead Grandmother talking about the War #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Trying to monetise my dead Grandmother talking about the War #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you try to make money out of anything in your home.


Me and my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) are walking down the hill, with me scrolling down my phone.

ME
YouTube just banned my video.

LSW
The rotters.
(THEN) Which one?

ME
No, hang on. "It isn't approved for monetisation."

LSW
The rotters. Does that mean you can't make any money from it?

ME
"...because the content in your video(s) or video details may not be advertiser friendly."

LSW
I didn't think anything in any of your videos is advertiser friendly.

ME
It's the one with Nan talking about what she did in the War.

LSW
Huh. Maybe you don't want an ad in front of that.

ME
Why not?! Isn't that what we fought Hitler for?

LSW
She fought Hitler for.

ME
Right. She's in her twenties, up on the roof of her company's buildings, middle of Kensington during the air raids...

LSW
...and 75 years later you're whacking adverts on it.

ME
Who's gonna get offended? She was on the Good side. Not the baddies.

LSW
Is it what Nana would've wanted?

ME
I have no idea. 3 hours of on-camera interview, and I haven't got a clue.

You can hear the cogs.

ME
She was in the Air Force...

LSW
And they were fighting for free expression...

ME
Yes. And the right for companies to turn a profit whatever the situation.

LSW
Like the company profiting from her being up on the roof...

ME
Protecting their premises during the Luftwaffe drops...

LSW
Why exactly was she on the roof again though?

ME
I don't know! You just did what you were told. No wonder she joined the Air Force.

LSW
I think she wouldn't care if there's adverts on that. She liked the adverts.

ME
It's when she'd go and get a cup of tea.

LSW
How much do you make? On your YouTube videos?

ME
This month? On 58 videos?
Two dollars, seven cents.

Long pause.

LSW
You need to film your Dad talking about the 1960's.

ME
Yeah. Like that's advertiser friendly.


Previous post...
Have you ever been kicked in the face? aka Buying shoes for my daughter. #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Have you ever been kicked in the face? aka Buying shoes for my daughter. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you know just the right thing to say.


In a department store you can guess, children’s shoe shop part which is that brand. My Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) weirdly letting me field this one and in an entirely unconnected note the saleswoman is a perky attractive 20-something amongst tired noisy families letting behaviour slide with the metal contraptions that measure width (and guilt) of kids’ feet that change by the week.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
10½ F

ME:
10½ F!

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
What was she before?

Blank stare.

ME:
(INSIDE) This pause is going on too long. Like when the bank asked for her Date Of Birth. I'll look to my wife like I am taking in this information.

I look to my LSW who is smiling, because she knows I have no idea.

LSW:
9½. You’ve gone up a size!

MY DAUGHTER:
Hurray!

She’s sat on my lap with the Saleswoman at my knees.
Like I'm some kind of Rasputin.

And I’ve got to look like I’m interested in any of this, but I can’t look at my daughter’s feet without the perky Saleswoman's loose top in my eyeline.

But I can’t look away because that’ll show how uninterested I am in these trainers.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
This is a good fit.

ME:
(INSIDE) Don’t look down her top.

ME:
Uh huh. (INSIDE) Don’t look down her top. Don’t look down her top.

I accidentally but completely see down her top.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
How about these ones?

ME:
(INSIDE) I didn’t mean to.

My daughter waves her feet around.

ME:
Have you ever been kicked in the face?

Perky Saleswoman perks even more.

PERKY SALESWOMAN:
All the time. Once in the mouth... Another time so hard, it knocked one of my piercings clean out.

The Sales Woman giggles.

We all giggle.

LSW:
We’ll take them. Thank you.

Then stagger away through the Saturday chaos.

MY DAUGHTER:
Can I keep them on?

ME:
Thank god that’s over.

LSW:
When you got up this morning, did you think you’d ask a woman if she’s ever been kicked in the face?

ME:
No.

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My Wife vs the naked plasterer #DadDirt


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