Thursday, 9 March 2017

I can’t tell. Should I share my kidney stone with the rest of the family? #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you want to show off everything that you make to your family.



CLOSE ON: A kidney stone. At the end of my finger.

ME:
I came out of me in the public toilets.

REVEAL: I am at the dinner table. (It’s not dinner time).
LSW can not get her face closer to the stone.

LSW:
The ones next to Waitrose?

ME:
Yeah. No idea it was in there.
Must’ve been when you were begging me to go to the doctors.

LSW:
(FASCINATED BY STONE) That was 3 months ago.

ME:
Right. Men can’t do that. It’s admitting weakness.

LSW:
(OBSESSED WITH THE STONE) To men, the Doctor’s receptionist is like Kryptonite.

ME:
I know it's pathetic - all that fuss, for this thing?

LSW:
Oh my god, it came out your little hole?

ME:
(PROUD) Yeah. It just went “ping!” off the urinal.

LSW:
But look how spiky it is. My God. That came out of your little hole.

ME:
I know. I’m explaining excruciating pain to the woman who passed two bowling balls for our family.

LSW:
(STILL FIXED ON STONE) No, it's different though, isn't it. Your tubes aren't built for something like this.

ME:
But it didn't hurt. It just popped out.

LSW:
The spikes are like little crystals.

ME:
It's like a crystal garden.

LSW:
Joe loves crystals.

ME:
I could put it on his shelf.

LSW:
He wouldn't notice.

ME:
But I want to keep it.

LSW:
He'd understand that.

ME:
Should I show it to the kids? Half of me thinks I should tell them this stuff - so it's not a shock when it happens.

LSW:
But then you're the weird parents who share everything.

ME:
Right.

LSW:
Where's the fun in that?

ME:
They're ready to explore their own whole world of pain.

LSW:
It's all on YouTube anyway.

ME:
Gather round, kids. Come see what's on My Tube(s).


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