Tuesday, 27 June 2017

My new kids scary story. Daddy vs Energy Company Evil Magic Numbers #DaddyWrong



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you start making up your own scary nighttime stories.


I’m sitting on my 6 year-old daughter's bed, at reading time, with a pile of rejected books.

DAUGHTER
No. I want a story that scares adults.

I pull out a letter.

ME
Okay. This is the kind of stuff you’ll read when you’re older.

"Once upon a time, Daddy received a letter from the energy company.
It’s the company we choose to pay for our gas and electricity.

DAUGHTER
Are there lots of companies?

ME
Oh no. Only a few. They like it that way.

DAUGHTER
Do they have different gas and electricity?

ME
No, not really.
It’s exactly the same gas and electricity that comes into the house.

Anyway, Daddy thought he is very good at fighting the evil Energy Company.

They try to steal his money all the time by charging a lot more for the same gas and electricity each month, even though it’s exactly the same house, and people.
And gas.
And electricity.

DAUGHTER
They must really love the money.

ME
And they need to rinse as much as possible from us.

DAUGHTER
That's not very nice.

ME
No, it’s not their fault.
It’s just the way they are.
They spend a lot of money to get us to think that they are nice.

DAUGHTER
Like a witch in a mask?

ME
Yes!
Yes! Exactly like a witch.
A witch wearing lots of leaflets and emails and adverts on TV.

DAUGHTER
We fast-forward through those.

ME
We do.
And this is why they do evil magic like this.
This one says that our Duel-Fuel tarriff ends next month and we must act NOW!

DAUGHTER
RIGHT NOW?

ME
(LAUGHS) They make it sound urgent so they look kind about warning us about something.

DAUGHTER
But it’s about... the danger that they want more money?

ME
They’re warning us that they are doing something not nice, so, we feel glad that they’re warning us.

DAUGHTER
That doesn’t make any sense.

ME
I know it doesn't.
Now, all of this evil magic relies on us getting bored.

Whatever you do - don’t fall asleep - or they will take as much money as they can...

DAUGHTER pulls the covers up a little tighter.

ME
Don’t fall asleep!
So first, the Evil Energy Company send this letter to say that our tariff is ending next month...

DAUGHTER
And we must act NOW!

ME
Right, and if we don’t - this is the magic bit - our tariff becomes the highest tariff in the Kingdom.

DAUGHTER
What is the highest tariff in the Kingdom?

ME
23 pence per unit for gas and electricity.

DAUGHTER
I don’t know what a unit of gas or electricity is.

ME
No-one does!
That’s the first trick to get you to fall asleep.
Don't fall asleep.

DAUGHTER
(giggle) Don’t steal my money!

ME
All you need to know is that you spend 12p per bit of electricity, and next month it will be double.

DAUGHTER
I know what DOUBLE is.

ME
Right. It means your money is worth half as much.
So they say "give them a call or go online to get the best price".

DAUGHTER
Why don’t they just offer us the best price?

ME
You’re drifting - stay focused - they want you to drift.
You’re not getting the best price, so go online.

DAUGHTER
What about Granddad, he’s not very good at that.

ME
(energy company voice)
“Old people are weak and have got too much money.
If they can’t work this out, it’s their fault for being weak and having money.”

DAUGHTER pulls up the covers some more.

ME
So Brave Daddy went online, and found their very best tariff.

DAUGHTER
Hurray! The cheapest one!

ME
Yes. But. Here’s the thing.
The cheapest one has gone up from 12p to 15p per bit of electricity.



DAUGHTER
That’s not much.

ME
That's what they want you to think.
Don’t fall asleep.
We spend over a thousand pounds on this, so we’ve just lost over 200 quid.

DAUGHTER
Is quid the same as pounds.

ME
Yes. Daddy thinks it makes him sound more interesting.

DAUGHTER
200 quids is a lot of our money.

ME
And it’s even more than that, but stay awake - that’s not the evil magic - look!

I pull out a laptop with the energy company “find the cheapest tariff” page.

DAUGHTER
They say they’re saving you money.

ME
I know!

DAUGHTER
But we just lost over 200 quids.

ME
I know - don't fall asleep!
Look harder and try to work out how we’ve lost over 200 quids.



DAUGHTER
It says you’ve saved your household £157 per year, that’s good, no?

ME
But I haven't.
The price has gone up.
Don’t - fall - asleep.



DAUGHTER
It says it’s best to change it now so you can start saving money right away.

ME
Eyes - Wide - Open.

DAUGHTER
But how is it "saving" if the price has gone up?

ME
Keep going - don’t fall asleep...

DAUGHTER
The costs have gone up, how come you’re saving money?

ME
I know you can do this.

DAUGHTER
I don’t think I can. It’s very late Daddy.

ME
Don’t fall asleep on me.

DAUGHTER
I'm really tired. This is boring.

ME
I’m losing you, stick with it honey.

DAUGHTER
I’ll see you in the morning.

She snuggles under the covers.

ME
Don’t go, baby.

DAUGHTER
I love you.

She’s fast asleep.
I cradle her head.

ME
(hushed) The "saving" is based on the made-up expensive tariff they’re moving us onto next month.

She snores.

DAUGHTER
(in her sleep) They’re not savings at all.
They just put our cheapest tariff up by 20%.

I hug her floppy body.

ME
I love you.



Previous post...
Umbrellas for Under 11s do the opposite of what you want and 148-154 other bits of #DadDirt


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Sunday, 25 June 2017

Umbrellas for Under 11s do the opposite of what you want and 148-154 other bits of #DadDirt



Thoughts, ideas and dreams for this week.

Monday 26 June
Umbrellas for Under 11's do the opposite of what you want.

Tuesday 27 June
I try to avoid news about terrible things like Terry and Thingy from the Likely Lads avoid hearing that football score.

Wednesday 28 June
Inset Day is based on a pagan festival where we would buy shoes and sit in cars.

Thursday 29 June
Think of it less as a Final Demand, and more of an extra Utility Bill for the next company.

Friday 30 June
At some stage, being late for the party is worse than not having that gift you're driving around for.

Saturday 1 July
The deepest and heaviest question about your relationship, is always best asked in that moment just before you’re going to sleep.

Sunday 2 July
Letting the other person win is the biggest curse you can put on them.


Previous post...
The other sticker album I havent yet finished #DadDirt


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Friday, 23 June 2017

The other sticker album I havent yet finished #DadDirt


My son is "not happy" about my Lego Sainsburys Create The World album card shortfall "solution".

My one at this age was a Panini Football Album.

Pete Middleditch had a pile of swaps so thick, he couldn’t get his hand round to hold it.

It had a rubber band in the middle, and he’d flick them - the duhduhduhduhduhduhduh would go on forever.

Loads of badges in there too.
They’re the silver stickers with the playground rule “they’re worth 2 normals”.

I didn’t have a clue about the hairy teams on them.
I just wanted to be part of it.

My parents couldn’t afford for me to get too many doubles, but they were probably earning the same as the players on them.

But almost as part of the compulsion to not complete that one, here’s the full lineup of the Lego Sainsburys Create The World cards.

I know I’ll be looking for it as a list some day.

Or someone else will.

And I don’t want the crossing my fingers at the checkout hoping it rolls over to a round £10 to qualify for another pack.

Because that’s how we earn our kids’ pride in 2017.

By running back to the juice aisle to knock the £38.75 subtotal over the 40 quid mark.

Okay.

So it’s completely so that we get to do kid-like things again too.


001 Lily

002 Sam

003 Janitor

004 Rapper



005 Carpenter

006 Wacky Witch

007 Windmill (silver)

008 Sleepyhead

009 Cave Woman

010 Alien Avenger

011 Boxer

012 Ocean King

013 Routemaster

014 Baseball Player

015 Moose (silver)




016 Holiday Elf

017 Kimono Girl

018 Fortune Teller

019 Ibex (no, I have no idea what an Ibex is either...)

020 Snowboarder

021 Tennis Player

022 Tree (silver)

023 Plumber

024 Surfer Girl

025 Lighthouse (silver)

026 Tiger Woman

027 Fitness Instructor

028 Butcher



029 Yeti

030 Flamenco Dancer

031 Letters (silver)

032 Explorer

033 Chameleon (silver)

034 Alien Villainess

035 Ringmaster

036 Gnome

037 Sand Castle (silver)

038 Spooky Girl



039 Hot Dog Man

040 Lizard Man

041 Race Car Driver

042 Weightlifter

043 Off-Roader

044 Chicken Suit Guy

045 Waiter

046 Mountain Climber

047 Skier

048 Disco Diva

049 Monkey (silver)

050 Welder

051 Square Foot

052 Banana Guy

053 Mermaid



054 Sea Captain

055 Dragon (silver)

056 Diner Waitress

057 Ghost House (silver)

058 Vampire Bat

059 Decorator

060 Pizza Delivery Man

061 Skyline (silver)

062 Unicorn Girl

063 Frightening Knight

064 Businessman



065 Jewel Thief

066 Sad Clown

067 Panda (silver)

068 Hollywood Starlet

069 Gangster

070 Water Lily Flower (silver)

071 Nurse



072 Asian House (silver)

073 Hot Air Balloon (silver)

074 Rock Star

075 Bagpiper

076 Shark Guy

077 Evil Dwarf

078 Santa

079 Koala (silver)



080 Artist

081 Mummy

082 Heroic Knight

083 Island (silver)

084 Crazy Scientist

085 Wolf Guy

086 Bumblebee Girl



087 Submarine (silver)

088 Skeleton Guy

089 Alien Trooper

090 Grandma

091 Kangaroo (silver)

092 Queen

093 Cowgirl

094 Robot (silver)

095 Deep Sea Diver

096 Snowmobile (silver)

097 Polar Bear (silver)

098 Skater Girl

099 Trendsetter

100 Paintball Player

101 Small Clown

102 Fisherman



103 Toucan (silver)

104 Clumsy Guy

105 Gingerbread Man

106 Hotel (silver)

107 Plane (silver)

108 Hippie

109 Traffic Cop

110 Grandpa

111 Dinosaur (silver)

112 Fairy Tale Princess

113 Parrot (silver)

114 Spider Lady

115 Mechanic



116 Gargoyle

117 Saxophone Player

118 Lady Robot

119 Farmer

120 Mime

121 Hot Dog Stand (silver)



122 Medusa

123 Prospector

124 Leprechan

125 DJ

126 Statue of Liberty (silver)

127 Spaceship (silver)

128 Lady Cyclops

129 Thespian

130 Snake Charmer



131 Piggy Guy

132 Bride

133 Bear (silver)

134 Plant Monster

135 Motorboat (silver)

136 Pirate Captain

137 Hula Dancer

138 Ancient Ship (silver)

139 Lily (again)

140 Sam (again)




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How my Mum would tell them it’s late. Again. #DadDirt


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