Thursday, 27 April 2017

My Wife vs the naked plasterer #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...other men remind you of your place.


ME and the LONG-SUFFERING WIFE (LSW) are in sleeping bags. In a tent. With the kids playing outside.

LSW:
Had another weird dream.

ME:
Was it about the house?
I bet it was about the house.

LSW:
We had a plasterer in and he was this really nice man. You know, professional but friendly. And you could tell from the way he was talking that he was good at his job.

ME:
I know I look tense. I know there’s a but.

LSW:
But he was naked.

ME:
Why do you always take so long to get to the but.

LSW:
Not at the start - he arrived in shorts.

ME:
Big shorts.

LSW:
No. Little you know barely-there shorts.
He’s a little brown man who does plastering with no clothes on.

Long pause.

ME:
Was the plastering any good?

LSW:
I don’t know. I didn’t actually see him do any plastering.


Previous post...
The Cathedral and The Bus Stop on Google Maps #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 26 April 2017

The Cathedral and The Bus Stop on Google Maps #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can't pass anywhere without leaving your mark on the world.


I don’t know why I have this overwhelming urge to leave this review.
Why do any of us want to leave a mark on the world?
Legacy.

Why do I have an urge to leave a rating.
Fact is - I do.



I will never use this Bus Stop.
And yet the Universe has delivered me to pass this - let’s face it - lamppost - with an ability to judge it.

Who am I to judge it?

Or - conversely - withhold any stars from it?
Isn’t there beauty and optimism in everything?
How can we look for joy in anything when it’s there to be found in what’s here right now.
Look at the service it gives just by being.



The layout of the timetable angered me - it provokes a reaction, like all Good Art
Bad design - maybe - but in the blank page, after the tiny bus times, times 4, lies the struggle for uniformity and compliance.
The bus company finds itself unable to change its layout and make this Bus Stop special or delightful.

That would incite a change that would threaten the safety it wants to maintain.
Look at it.
This is the image it wants to share with the passers by, while the “Bus Stop” itself - the sign that declares its very presence is invisible from this angle.



This combination of sign and information is at 90 degrees to itself:
The two will never meet, and yet they co-exist, at the same time in 2 different planes.

The M is intriguing.
What does it stand for?
Literally and symbolically.
I know deep down there is no A-L.
Only M.
A number - any number - would be too big for a route serving a stop so small.
M for the metal of the post.
The wall that begs to be invisible seating, but as a residential boundary it’s anti-seating.
Making the bus route even more urgent to its smallness.
This post is a portal.
An entry point to destinations unknown.
Beyond the Morrisons, there is no limit.
If this is the starting point - blink and you’ll miss it - you know that the finishing has no point. Movement is all that is missing.

Five stars.



Winchester Cathedral.

Five stars.


Previous post...
The Train Guards don’t know where they’re going next either #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 25 April 2017

The Train Guards don’t know where they’re going next either #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you sometimes worry a bit too much about other people's lives too.


The GUARD checks my ticket and Network Railcard. (I’ve long since learned to have that on show) and he thanks me.

ME:
Can I ask you a personal question? If the company's lost its franchise - what - if you don’t mind me asking - what happens to you? And your colleagues?

He's bulky but visibly crumples and drops his ticket machine to lean on the seats opposite.

GUARD:
I don’t know.
We’re “safe” for 18 months - that’s the legal minimum. But we don’t know what happens next. We did everything that was asked of us. We met every single target they laid down.

ME:
It might be good though? Do you all go to the new company?

He straightens up. Owns the ticket machine again.

GUARD:
Oh you won’t notice any difference. I might be in a new colour - but it’ll run the same the day after the changeover.

ME:
But, what’s the 18 months?

GUARD:
Well, they’re determined to get rid of us. Guards. Which is weird because we’re revenue collection - so we actually pull in more than our costs. All of us.

ME:
So they want this to go driver-only?

GUARD:
Did you get caught up in the chaos last week?

ME:
No. Saw it on the news.

GUARD:
Well, take that. That’s just one incident. Driver’s dealing with a suicide and the immediate impact of that. He’s checking that the train is safe, and the aftermath and the damage and what’s going to happen next. Meanwhile, the guard’s now dealing with a man’s who’s having a suspected heart attack and there’s a heavily pregnant woman who’s getting stomach pains and panicking about that because everything’s at a standstill.

ME:
I didn’t hear about that.

GUARD:
Of course you don’t. So it’s still sold as Driver-Only’s a good idea. But when the driver’s dealing with that on the track...

ME:
“Who looks after us?”

GUARD:
I heard a rumour. It’s only a rumour - you know how these things go around... that they’ve already allocated 13 million pounds for the increase in compensation claims, for injuries and the extra costs of that.

ME:
That’s a great rumour. Of course, why wouldn’t they? It’d be weird if they didn’t.

GUARD shrugs, and moves on.

GUARD:
It’s just a spreadsheet, isn’t it.
So, I’m sorry.
I don’t know how long you’ll see us around.



Previous post...
Put aromatherapy oil in cars. Soothe the town you're polluting. And 134-140 other DadDirt thoughts


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Monday, 24 April 2017

Put aromatherapy oil in cars. Soothe the town you're polluting. And 134-140 other DadDirt thoughts



My thoughts, fears, ideas, and dreams of Dad Dirt this week:

Monday 24 April
Idea: Fill cars with aromatherapy oil.
Soothe the town while you're polluting it.

Tuesday 25 April
She's more than a pet.
She's also the answer to an internet banking security question.

Wednesday 26 April
I hate the broken syntax of Swing Low Sweet Chariot.
Maybe you're not home because the words took too long for to come out of your mouth.

Thursday 27 April
Idea: Weddings triple the cost of everything.
We should run one as a funeral and not tell the venue.

Friday 28 April
People use old cars for weddings to remember the lack of reliability and a sense of danger.

Saturday 29 April
The Dwindle is the speed at which your bank account runs down.
You can speed it up or slow it down, but it will always Dwindle.

Sunday 30 April
Idea: Women, if you'd stop banging Alpha Males for 5 minutes, maybe the world would suddenly be a better place.


Previous post...
Another one of those office-based James McAvoy directed shark attack dreams. #DadDirt


I keep 365 Days (a whole year's worth) of Dad Dirt right here.

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Monday, 10 April 2017

Another one of those office-based James McAvoy directed shark attack dreams. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you are barely awake enough to remember last night.


I had the weirdest dream. Yet again, I was in a corporate building.

And a lift opened out onto someone in a nice suit in a really nice large office, with nice luxury dark-wood office furniture, but his colleagues had their backs to me, processing really grotty receipts, or invoices with receipts attached, and the receipts were for really cheap things like value fish fingers and low-quality plastic stuff, and there were comments from managers about how the forms they’re attached to are filled-in incorrectly. And the line of desks that is processing these forms was backed up right to the lift doors to maximise space. So it was nice but not nice.

Then the rest of the dream flipped between a nice city location, and James McAvoy directing a film of a shark attack, that I was helping him make (even though he had a full crew). And I got caught up in spray painting a small window hole in the floor that needed blocking up. But there was an elaborate pattern on the tiles (a little like the pattern of a Lego building my son had made).

None of this is in my Long-Suffering Wife's dreams and what they mean book.

It's 30 years old. I think I'm going to have to write an updated version.

In Biro.

Over my Wife's copy.

Previous post...
Why can't I wear my shoulderless top to school today Daddy? (and why you cant go on holiday in term time) #DadDirt


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Friday, 7 April 2017

Why can't I wear my shoulderless top to school today Daddy? (and why you cant go on holiday in term time) #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you don't know what to tell your daughter.


INT. BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

I'm sat up in bed with my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW). Both dancing our mugs to avoid the kids kicking them out of our hands. Yes, they are there too.

ME:
Can you go and get dressed for school?

6 YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER:
I am dressed. It's for Mufti day today.

MUMMY:
Yes but you can't wear your shoulderless top to school.

DAUGHTER:
Why not? We're allowed to wear clothes to school.

MUMMY:
Yes, but go and get changed, it's not quite right.

DAUGHTER:
But why?

I'LL FIELD THIS.

ME:
Well, in the 1800s children were allowed to go to work. Millions of them. And they were great. Because they were cheap. They didn't know how to ask for money and they did dangerous jobs. And when they died, the Industrialists just got more children. The adults didn't like this because the work was going to the children and they weren't being paid, but the Industrialists didn't want to get rid of the kids so the Government struck a deal with them. They said they'd look after the children during the day, and it'll be great because they'll train them to do as they're told and follow instructions so they will be easier to train. When they're old enough to go into the workplace, they'll know how to do the task they've been given and be judged by their manager or supervisor in the production line, who will decide if their work is passed or defective and must be done again (being in an office is just like being in an army, hospital or factory too). A literate workforce can also be advertised to and made to feel inadequate and missing out so they'll want to buy more of the things made by the Industrialists and work harder to earn money to stay in the system that keeps them. It's a beautiful lock-in really, and it extends to a uniform so how we look is as easy to process by the managers as acceptable or defective, and although today is a Mufti day for charity, we fear that your shoulderless top strays too far from the leash we have been given for this one day.

ON 6 YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

DAUGHTER:
I like what Mummy said better.

MUMMY:
You'll be cold.

DAUGHTER:
I'll get cold.

(With thanks to TU and Seth)

(See also... How can I get my daughter to say "Thank you. It's not for you.")

Previous post...
My son wants a YouTube channel. That’s worse than a pony. Is creating better than spectating? #DadDirt


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Thursday, 6 April 2017

My son wants a YouTube channel. That’s worse than a pony. Is creating better than spectating? #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...your family wants to put your stuff out on the Internet too.


My son wants a YouTube channel.

I want him to have a YouTube channel.

He’s not even into double-digits, so yes, it's yet another thing to fear for his safety.

Dads before me struggled with giving their sons a bike.

It’s the same thing.

Except two billion people can watch you falling over.

Do I give him the super racer with the killer saddle,
or a three-wheeler with stabilisers?

I do this for a living, which means I can mess up at home and work.

He makes videos all the time, even when there is not a camera in the room.

It’s a generation who looks up everything.
My generation just wants to watch everything.

I want to be selfish - thinking that I can get him ahead with subscribers in his life.
Like some pushy Dad trying to monetize him before the channel's even got a name.

But these are the 3 choices I think I have right now:

- Set him up with a channel under my channel
Safe, completely under my guidance, with me editing things on there... but that’ll affect what goes out too.

- Create an anonymous channel.
Without his name on it. It’ll be safe, but his name’s not on it.
If he ends up being proud of it, will he regret that? What’s the point?

- Create a channel, in his name, to grow from scratch.
So it ultimately means something - putting stuff out there generously as “here, I made this.”

Will he be embarrassed at 12 about the things he did 4 years ago?
Or will that be normal, and everyone his age in the same position, and not a “thing”?
Is what he’ll learn better than any of the downsides?

Forward worrying never helps making things today.

What's wrong with me that all I can think of are the bad things and what could go wrong, instead of the upsides and generosity of sharing which he really wants to do.

All I know is that creating is better than spectating.
And getting it wrong is the only way to making it right.

I’ll make sure he’s got the right stabilisers.
And knee pads.
And helmet.

And some goggles.
For that first video that will almost certainly be a slow motion of a toilet being smashed.

Previous post...
Men's fashions. For me, it stops here, and it stops now. Again. #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 5 April 2017

Men's fashions. For me, it stops here, and it stops now. Again. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when your wardrobe is done.


The button down collar shirts are now a thing again?

Like 1994 and 1998?

And after that I lost track.

I wasn't even on track.

This is where I get off.

I noticed but never cared, but now I actively want whatever is "not".

When I was growing up, the 40-something men on TV (and making TV) all wore Pringle sweaters.

Val Doonican, Tarby, Brucie, The Ronnies.

That is where they drew the (V-neck) line in what they wear and stuck with that for the rest of their lives.

If I could get my wardrobe down to a smock, I would.

But the High-Street brands would still try to put on some nonsense or buttons.

Smock hems are in.
Now they're not.

They know we're tired of fitting in, but don't want to be sticking out.


Previous post...
We can all learn something from Leroy from FAME #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 4 April 2017

We can all learn something from Leroy from FAME #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you teach your kids about the Greats.


The mention of Leroy in a previous post sparked a wave of Leroy love from my friends.

He came into our home with the Top Of The Pops 1982 repeats on BBC Four.

(A couple of weeks of the theme from Fame being at number 1, saw TOTP go to New York to shoot a video of Irene Cara miming while walking on the NY streets. Another 3 weeks of this it must have worn thin for the show. Not us, my girl and I watched this a hundred times. But they then put more clips from the movie into the walking miming video)

Which is where I got to show my 5 year old daughter the magic of Leroy.

Let us not forget that Leroy wasn't actually auditioning himself - he was helping his friend with her audition but got the space at the school instead of her because of his awesome dancing.

He can also perform with his vest pulled over his head.

I tried showing this to my daughter, but it did not go very well.

Now fully aware I'm competing for her attention against the powerfully-built man from 35 years ago.

Also, Leroy is a really great name to shout at Leroy when you're annoyed at Leroy.
LEROY!
You can yell both his names.
LEROY JOHNSON!
As in, I HATE YOU LEROY JOHNSON!
Even his surname is a word for manhood.
I wish I'd named my son Leroy now.
But there is only one Leroy.

Previous post...
What's on your stairs, right now? It is a window into your soul. #DadDirt #WhatsOnYourStairs


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Monday, 3 April 2017

What's on your stairs, right now? It is a window into your soul. #DadDirt #WhatsOnYourStairs



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...every time you walk past the stuff that's always got to be moved to somewhere else.

What's on your stairs? Right now?

For us it's £1.75 in silvers, Scotch satin finish giftwrap tape, jogging pants, and a table tennis bat.

Everyone has stuff on their stairs - to go upstairs.
Even if they do not have actual stairs.
(Every time I run this on Twitter, I get moans from single-level dwellers telling me how lucky I am to have stairs, but "What's in your hallway" is the Para-WhatsOnYourStairs... everyone can still play along. Except the homeless. But maybe they've got more pressing things to take pictures of.)

Deep down, we all have stuff on our stairs.
And we even walk past it - knowing that there will always be a better time to take the stuff up.

It is a job that will never be done.

So I ask you, in all seriousness. What's on your stairs.
May we see a photo please?

It's a snapshot of your upward flow of life.


Previous post...
My daughter called Mummy a Bum Monkey. Legally we can now use this and 127-133 other Dad Dirt


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Tuesday, 28 March 2017

My daughter called Mummy a Bum Monkey. Legally we can now use this and 127-133 other Dad Dirt



Here are my thoughts, ideas, and Dad Dirt for this week.

Monday 27th March
My daughter called Mummy a Bum Monkey.
Legally, this can now go down on every form as “Occupation”.

Tuesday 28th March
Words that only politicians use: cowed.
They seem pretty obsessed by it.
So much, that it makes me feel kind of cowed.

Wednesday 29th March
Idea: Making myself sound more grand to call centres by adding the word “Mister” before my name.

Thursday 30th March
I bought a book in a shop like I am online.
I made the staff fetch it to me on zero hours contract and didn't let them go to the toilet.

Friday 31st March
I once had to break up with someone, Neil, because they kept saying my name every 8 words. Neil, it was like a verbal chokechain.

Saturday 1st April
People say they’ve been badly stung, when the wasp actually did it quite well.

Sunday 2nd April
Here's how to forget these words.
“Don’t let me forget. I’ve put the beers in the freezer.”


Previous post...
Stealing just one more princess story from my daughter. In case it makes money. #DadDirt


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Friday, 24 March 2017

Stealing just one more princess story from my daughter. In case it makes money. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you steal princess stories from your daughter. In case this is the big one.


Onec upon a time there was a little girl coled isebella. She was five years old. She had a mother and further. She was playing in the Garden. She feeds birds and uthore animols to feed.

She had a Pond in the Garden. there was a speshoulle Frog in the Pond. She was playing with her ball.

the ball went in the pond the Frog was getting the Ball for her.

he did a plan to Be best friends forevery but the princess kepped her promise every day.

so they did Be best Friends forevery. the next Morning isbella Went out in the Garden.

She sore the Frog that was her best friend.

the Frog had Arothery plan. it was promise to kiss the frog but the princess did it instead and then the Frog changed to a prince then the prince fell in Love with the girl. and the princess fell in Love with the man.
and they all lived Happilly Every aFter.

The End

© Great Story Team Ltd. 2017

Previous post...
A bird vandalising a car in London. But its not enough to get me on You've Been Framed. #BritishDadStuff


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Wednesday, 22 March 2017

A bird vandalising a car in London. But its not enough to get me on You've Been Framed #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when your family budget relies on you getting a clip onto You've Been Framed.


This is my second attempt to get a clip onto You've Been Framed.

A nature film, shot in London last year (ironically, right round the corner from the ITV studios... hope that doesn't get it rejected).

A crow vandalising a car in Southwark



Spoiler alert: The crow is vandalising the car.

It did not care about me getting close with my neon pink mobile to shoot its behaviour, but it got a bit nervous when a Japanese couple saw what I was doing and huddled in closer to shoot their own video (which is probably playing right now on NHK's Japan's Funniest Videos for 5000 Yen).

So the bird hops onto the roof, and shows it's nerves before flapping off.

This has gotta get me a shot at the 250 quid, no?








Previous post...
My DIY will kill my kids. But maybe its not so bad. #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 21 March 2017

My DIY will kill my kids. But maybe its not so bad. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you wonder if your DIY will kill your entire family.


I finally put up the big mirror in the living room.

Every time I do something like this, I worry.

“Will it fall off the wall and kill the kids?”

Happily, they are older now, so it will probably only maim them.

And I've got a 50/50 chance it will injure either or both.

If the worst happens now I’ve written this, here, it will probably get dredged up by an Insurance Company or National Newspaper.

And next to me in the sidebar of shame will probably be pop-up ads for DIY superstore chains. So some good will come from the tragedy.

In fact, it will be selfish of me not to put things up on the walls.

All those jobs, industry and economic growth are now also hanging on those bolts.

Those bolts screwed in so tight, you’d have to knock down the house to get to them.

Maybe that’s the National Disaster that will happen. Some light aircraft hitting our family home, with a Black Box recorder showing very clearly... those bolts stayed true.

And why do we even need a mirror?
My very children being put in harm’s way, for what?
Vanity?

But judging by the state of my kids, and how they look right now...

They aren’t ever going to be hit by a falling mirror.


Previous post...
Nine reasons why I shouldn’t buy a Lacie. A POEM. #DadDirt


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Monday, 20 March 2017

Nine reasons why I shouldn’t buy a Lacie. A POEM. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you over think every purchase but still end up in the same place.


Why I shouldn't by a Lacie.
A poem in 9 stanzas.

I do not have the money.
I like writing these lists.
I have three - three backup drives. And a keyring drive.
(but it’s pretty, and its the one I want to carry around with me everywhere, and it’s shock proof and water resistant. And the other ones can become backup to the backups).
This list isn’t going very well.
I really like writing them out.
It’s 120 pounds I can spend on something else.
It’s more "stuff".
I do not need more stuff.
I will go and get the Lacie.

Previous post...
All Dads recreate that Athena poster, but cant hold the phone and the baby. Plus #DadDirt 120-136


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Sunday, 19 March 2017

All Dads recreate that Athena poster, but cant hold the phone and the baby. Plus #DadDirt 120-126



Every week I try and dig up some Dad Dirt.

Here's this week's thoughts, ideas and dreams.



Monday 20 March
All sleep-deprived 1990’s-man Dads think about recreating the Athena “Man Holding Baby” poster.
But can’t yet work out how to hold the phone and the baby.

Tuesday 21 March
Lang Lang's Dad vowed to make him the number 1 concert pianist in all of China.
I taught my boy how to sing the entire jingle package of Radio 2.

Wednesday 22 March
I admit it.
I order condoms online from the supermarket, just to see the delivery driver go through the substitutions.

Thursday 23 March
Modern superstition:
If you cut up your credit card, and slowly spread it around different bins, somehow you won't get robbed.

Friday 24 March
Idea: Trying to get people to say "Da Betties" as slang for Pounds (after our Queen).
It's harder than I thought.

Saturday 25 March
We’re not strapped for cash.
But our family budget now relies on me getting 12 clips onto You've Been Framed.

Sunday 26 March
My Wife likes either anticipating things or being surprised.
I always call it wrong.



Previous post...
A letter with my daughter's broken shoe to the supermarket #DadDirt


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Saturday, 18 March 2017

A letter with my daughter's broken shoe to the supermarket #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you take the time to treat the companies you buy from like trusted colleagues of your own organisation.


I was wound up.
I was going to throw it in the bin.

No.
I am going to take the time to send it to the person who spends all day working on this.
From me.
The person who works all day to pay for this.


Dear Head of Children’s Clothing (shoes)

Hello. Please forgive us for sending you this shoe directly.

It is because you are a very valued supplier of clothing to us, but my Chief Financial Officer (my Wife) wants to rethink your place in our supply chain. After a tense Board Meeting this morning, I think this is a shame for your organisation and ours, because we love your other work for us.

Your school clothing is the best - it’s hard wearing and it doesn’t look cheap, despite the efforts of our workforce (our 8 and 6 year olds).

We really appreciate it, so much so, that you don’t even have a store in our town and yet we ship it from your branches that are 15 miles away.

So that’s why we’re sending you this.

In our heads, the shoes were bought in the Christmas hols, and they have barely lasted 8 weeks. Our daughter is energetic - a kind way of saying she is a complete handful. But we didn’t think her shoes would give up in under a term (and she didn’t even wear them during Half Term).

Maybe she is just too much for them.

Maybe more suitable workwear would be Army boots.

Either way, we wanted you to see what happens at the other end of your delivery chain: The velcro stopped sticking after about a month. Then the clasp broke off so the strap couldn’t be held at all, making them useless (the other shoe is just as clapped out - I’m being cheap trying to save postage).

Let’s face it. We feel cheap for buying our daughter’s shoes in a supermarket.

So the problem is with us.

(Ironically, at 7 weeks use even at the competitive price we invested, per day, my CFO estimates that these are the most expensive shoes she’s ever worn. (And destroyed.))

How can I argue with that logic? Moving forward, how can I persuade her that your company is still the best supplier for our clothing?

As we reflect on this, we hope this shoe helps your team to also make good choices in the future, and thanks again for the great clothing.

Yours
Neil Mossey
CEO, The Mossey Family

Previous post...
How one of my Footy Pups episodes exactly followed Joseph Campbell’s Monomyth by accident


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Friday, 17 March 2017

How one of my Footy Pups episodes exactly followed Joseph Campbell’s Monomyth by accident



The idea of the “monomyth” or "The Hero’s Journey", was introduced in the 1949 book The Hero With A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell.

I was writing on Footy Pups when I got stuck on an episode with my then-writing partner.

It was painful because they’re only short stories, but the hero still has to go through a properly hard journey for the story to feel good enough to keep watching - and I reckon it's harder to keep kids’ attentions than adults.

Also, you can’t rely on some of the lazy shorthand that adult stories sometimes use to keep their attention.

It was even more painful because the previous story had gone through so easily.

I don’t know why, but I think I was reading a book that broke down Joseph Campbell’s Monomyth (or... “The Hero’s Journey”).

Then I realised that previous episode had matched his concept of storytelling beat for beat.

And it made me smile, so here now is how Geraldine playing basketball in a 6 minute cartoon about a football team of puppies follows in the same narrative footsteps as Buddha, Moses and Christ.

The Call To Adventure
Pickles tells the pups they’re playing basketball today

Refusal Of The Call
Tiny Geraldine thinks she’s too small to play basketball.

Supernatural Aid
Crossing The Threshold

(“the hero ventures into an unknown and dangerous real where the rules and limits are unknown.”)
Belly Of The Whale
(“the hero shows willingness to undergo a metamorphosis.”)
Geraldine wears stilts to make herself taller to play basketball.

The Road Of Trials
Geraldine plays basketball on stilts with her teammates, and nearly hurts them.

The Meeting With The Goddess
Geraldine trips up on coach Freddie’s washing line, and is catapulted into a tree.
(the tree represents Nature which can also represent The Goddess).

Woman As Temptress
(“Woman is a metaphor for physical or material temptations of life”)
Atonement With The Father
Geraldine offers to rescue coach Freddie’s washing from the tree branches.

Apotheosis
(“The point of realisation in which a greater understanding is achieved.”)
Geraldine can’t reach some of the washing. She realises she can jump from branch to branch to rescue the washing.

The Ultimate Boon
(“The achievement of the goal of the quest.”)
Geraldine realises she doesn’t need to be tall to play basketball - she can jump.

Refusal Of The Return
Geraldine wants to rescue all the washing before getting back to playing basketball.

The Magic Flight
She comes down from the tree.

Rescue From Without
(“Bring hero back to everyday life”)
Geraldine returns to playing basketball with her teammates.

The Crossing Of The Return Threshold
(“retain the wisdom gained in the quest”)
Geraldine goes to shoot a hoop and jumps...

Master Of Two Worlds
She can play basketball with just a jump.

Freedom To Live
(“Freedom from the fear of death.”)
Geraldine scores more baskets.


The episodes are on Iplayer here.


Hero With A Thousand Faces, is here




Previous post...
How my daughter sees me as a man. In biro. And it's uncanny in every fault. #DadDirt


A complete guide to my Dad Dirt is coming together here

All about me, and getting these by email.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

How my daughter sees me as a man. In biro. And it's uncanny in every fault. #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...your daughter can not only see but also draw your every fault.


Obviously, I want to set the best physical example to my daughter.

In the years to come, I guess this - what I’ve got - is what she will compare against every man she meets.

So what does she see right now?

How do I come off as her benchmark of happy benevolent manhood?

Well, in Biro, it’s like this:


I look like one of Right Said Fred.
The camper one.
Complete in Gay Anthem pose.
(I blame the musicals we watch together).

It looks like she’s even given me an earring.

Then it hit me, this is how she sees me the most:

I am in my stripey boxer shorts
(with the genetically long slender legs, you’re welcome)

But it’s the detail of the hairy chest set betwixt the generous Man Boobs that get me.

A lot of attention has gone into that.
I won’t embarrass the others, but I came off best in our family portraits.
My thighs don’t meet at the top like Mummy’s.


Previous post... ARE THOSE WIND CHIMES OURS? Why does it even matter? #DadDirt

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Wednesday, 15 March 2017

ARE THOSE WIND CHIMES OURS? Why does it even matter? #DadDirt



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you don’t want to chuck out the same object if it wasn’t already here when you moved in.


We’ve got these wind chimes.

They are really ratty and past it, and now they’re on the floor, on our patio.
(Well, not now, I hung them up for the photo).

So here’s my chance.

I hate wind chimes.

I really hate them.
There aren’t many objects that get to me (here are all the other things I hate)
- but wind chimes are right up there.

They are not chimes.

They are just building their part.

They should be called wind random noise.


Why isn’t the breeze enough?

You know what that moment of nature doesn’t need right now?

A load of atonal metal clanging.


(It’s more “Art” that falls under the heading of “I could do that”.
With some forks in the dishwasher tray).

They’re also called dream catchers.
But I know some of the dreams that my family have had, and there is definitely nothing that should block them on their way.

But here’s the problem, I only want to throw them out when noone is looking... if they are an overhang from the last person who lived here.

I’m still chucking out all sorts of crap left by the previous owner, months after we moved in.

But if those wind chimes are “ours”, then for some reason it’s different.

Even the stuff I hate is difficult to bin.
Why do I care it’s “ours” from before?
Everything that’s here is “ours” now.

I need some thinking music. How about something... instrumental, yet unpredictable?
(TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE TING TANG TONG TING!)

Nope. It’s going straight in the wheeliebin.
That’s my own very special Dream Catcher.
(THUD DONK.)


Previous post...
Why does something Peter out? Poor Peter. His name is a verb, and I know how he feels. #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Why does something Peter out? Poor Peter. His name is a verb, and I know how he feels. #DadDirt



You know that you're a Great British Dad when...
...you feel sorry for other people who have names that are doing words, and don't want to give them to your kids.


And now it's that time of the year - we're barely into March, where everyone's effort to do something new for the year peters out.

Why is it peter?

Poor Peter.

I know how Peter feels, because his name is a verb.

Everyone else thinks when they hear my name that it sounds like an order.

Kneel!

I'm so attached to my name that my brain never links it to that.

But it's not an active thrusting doing word.

Like peter.
Fade. Ebb. Fail.

Maybe I haven't given it enough time, but I can't think of any doing-word-name that pulls its weight.

They're all a bit negative.

Phil. Rob. Nick. Stu.


Dads go for men's names that are hard objects.

Nouns.

Max. Stone. Oscar. Leo.


So why don't we go for hard verbs?

Punch. Flex. Push. Kick. Jump.

Force. Focus. Aim. Power.

Why are these not boys names?



Previous post...
Why do other families' homes smell so different? #BRITISHDADSTUFF


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Monday, 13 March 2017

Putting SAD bulbs in street lights and 113-119 other #DadDirt ideas for my family



Every week I work on some thoughts to make my life happier.

It never does.

But if I keep doing this, then maybe they will get better.

So here's this week's Dad Dirt.



Monday 13 March
One of the hardest things in a marriage is having to throw away your own stuff.
Except the stuff that's secretly thrown out.

Tuesday 14 March
Grew up in the 1980s.
I can instantly work out times in VHS minutes.
I am awesome at my 120 times table.

Wednesday 15 March
I know why the big boobs checkout lady never gives us eye contact, and also a wife who does not want to hear one single word about my theory.

Thursday 16 March
Idea: put SAD lamps in street lights.
Cheer up the whole town.

Friday 17 March
I've asked around and straight men do not serve milk by decanting it into little jugs.

Saturday 18 March
Child of the 1980s:
Helped my son sing Beethoven's Fur Elise.
Because it was used on every single episode of The Benny Hill Show.



Sunday 19 March
You can't use your phone on petrol station forecourt.
But you can sell BBQ coal, lighter fluid and firestarter briquettes.



Previous post...
Happy Days are here again. I can see it. On my phone. #BritishDadStuff


I keep a whole year's worth of 365 Great British Dad Thoughts right here.

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Sunday, 12 March 2017

Happy Days are here again. I can see it. On my phone. #BritishDadStuff




You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when nothing gets through to you.


INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

LONG-SUFFERING WIFE dances into the room.

LONG SUFFERING WIFE (LSW):
Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
So let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again.

I scroll down my phone. LSW dances some more.

LSW:
Altogether shout it now
There's no-one who can doubt it now
So let us tell the world about it now
Happy days are here again.

I scroll down my phone some more. LSW’S dance gets more elaborate.

LSW:
Your cares and troubles are gone,
There'll be no more, from now on,
Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
Let us sing a song of cheer again...

I hold up my phone.

ME:
Have you seen what Keanu Reeves looks like now?

LSW dances out of the room.

LSW:
Happy days
Are here again!


Previous post...
Stealing just one more story from my daughter #BritishDadStuff


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Friday, 10 March 2017

Stealing just one more story from my daughter #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...there is always some more that you can steal from your 5 year old daughter.


Onec upon a time Katie and nailer Wher playing in the Garden.

they played Tage one morning a wich was spiying on Katie and nailer.

the Witch said I Want them now but the Witch had a owlon her shoildar and the Witch had a man that does What she wants.

the Witch told the man What to do.

give me theas two girls now said the Witch ok your hieners said the man the man ran on his horse and then he went berhind them then he cort them he went back on his horse and went to the Witchers catsle.

It Was black on the outside.

he Went to the Witch he said Ive found them siyerry.
Good said the Witch.
Put them in the Gale then nailer and Katie Wher having a plan when they were in Gale.

they where in one place togerter. they did there plan then it wocked.

the witch said to the man give me the children now she said louldly.

the man did it but they where not there. so the man had to go back to the queen the man said there not there any more. then the queen was angry. she went into flames then she was dead.

The End

© Great Story Team Ltd. 2017


Previous post...
I can’t tell. Should I share my kidney stone with the rest of the family? #BritishDadStuff


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Thursday, 9 March 2017

I can’t tell. Should I share my kidney stone with the rest of the family? #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you want to show off everything that you make to your family.



CLOSE ON: A kidney stone. At the end of my finger.

ME:
I came out of me in the public toilets.

REVEAL: I am at the dinner table. (It’s not dinner time).
LSW can not get her face closer to the stone.

LSW:
The ones next to Waitrose?

ME:
Yeah. No idea it was in there.
Must’ve been when you were begging me to go to the doctors.

LSW:
(FASCINATED BY STONE) That was 3 months ago.

ME:
Right. Men can’t do that. It’s admitting weakness.

LSW:
(OBSESSED WITH THE STONE) To men, the Doctor’s receptionist is like Kryptonite.

ME:
I know it's pathetic - all that fuss, for this thing?

LSW:
Oh my god, it came out your little hole?

ME:
(PROUD) Yeah. It just went “ping!” off the urinal.

LSW:
But look how spiky it is. My God. That came out of your little hole.

ME:
I know. I’m explaining excruciating pain to the woman who passed two bowling balls for our family.

LSW:
(STILL FIXED ON STONE) No, it's different though, isn't it. Your tubes aren't built for something like this.

ME:
But it didn't hurt. It just popped out.

LSW:
The spikes are like little crystals.

ME:
It's like a crystal garden.

LSW:
Joe loves crystals.

ME:
I could put it on his shelf.

LSW:
He wouldn't notice.

ME:
But I want to keep it.

LSW:
He'd understand that.

ME:
Should I show it to the kids? Half of me thinks I should tell them this stuff - so it's not a shock when it happens.

LSW:
But then you're the weird parents who share everything.

ME:
Right.

LSW:
Where's the fun in that?

ME:
They're ready to explore their own whole world of pain.

LSW:
It's all on YouTube anyway.

ME:
Gather round, kids. Come see what's on My Tube(s).


Previous post...
The woman who wees herself in the BBC nuclear bomb drama Threads. #BritishDadStuff


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Wednesday, 8 March 2017

The woman who wees herself in the BBC nuclear bomb drama Threads. #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you don't want to expose your kids to the same traumatic moments in history as you.


EXT. LEVEL CROSSING - DAY

ME and the LONG-SUFFERING WIFE saunter over the town's level crossing.

ME:
I'm not so sure that our son being obsessed with the Titanic, is a good thing.

LONG-SUFFERING WIFE (LSW):
I know. You don't want to block it, because it's history.

ME:
And science.

LSW:
And geography.

ME:
But it's also fifteen hundred people dying.

LSW:
Fifteen hundred and seventeen. We know it all too now.

ME:
And "the fourth funnel is a fake".

LSW:
Funny, isn't it - everyone living in fear.
When none of it makes any difference 20 years later.

ME:
When I was 8, I was obsessed with the Nuclear Warning adverts.
What to do in a nuclear attack.
Think Nationwide did a special on it, and couldn't get them out of my head.

LSW:
They made us watch that Drama about it at school. They didn't say anything about it - before or after - they just played it to us a really grim film about Nuclear War. And then it ended. And then we went to the next lesson.

ME:
Threads. It was called Threads.

LSW:
All I remember was the baby that came out deformed, and the woman who wees herself.

ME:
The woman who wees herself in the street when she sees the mushroom cloud.

LSW:
You'd think that'd be enough to make you famous.

ME:
Every kid our age knows her.

LSW:
If you say Nuclear War Drama to anyone in their forties, they'd say... "the woman who wees herself in the street".

ME:
That poor woman.

LSW:
How do you audition for that?

ME:
(A LA PRODUCER) “It's a landmark controversial drama. It's the 1980s, so all dramas are controversial - but this, this is the big one.”

LSW:
Great, what am I going to be - one of the survivors?

ME:
Not exactly.

LSW:
Great - so the Bomb goes off and I'm, horribly mutated? Maybe a lot of make up?

ME:
Only a little bit...

LSW:
Will I get any special effects?

ME:
Oh yeah. Definitely.

LSW:
Maybe it wasn't even in the script.

ME:
She improvised. Or just really nervous.

LSW:
Yeah. Action! Now imagine the Mushroom Cloud, in front of you...

ME:
Give me more. The whole country is watching this. On BBC One...

LSW:
And all the schoolkids two years later...

ME:
(STRAIN NOISES)
Puddle. And cut.





Previous post...
My one star review of a furniture superstore. But really, the one star is for me. For being there. #BritishDadStuff


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Tuesday, 7 March 2017

My one star review of a furniture superstore. But really, the one star is for me. For being there. #BritishDadStuff




You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you take the time to review your family's life on Google Maps.


What are we doing with our lives?

The one star is for me.

For being here.

Thought we'd combine it with taking back the recycling bin lid that doesn't work.

You know exactly where this is going.

Because I'll take a guess that this happens to you too.

The bin is made by the shop.

The lid doesn't work.

You ask if you can swap it with one that does work.

STORE WORKER:
"Sorry, we need a receipt."

ME:
We've got a Family Card - doesn't that "insure" us against your faulty products?

STORE WORKER:
Sorry, we need Proof of Purchase.

ME:
I'm a man, in his forties, walking around with a bin lid - can that maybe count as proof of purchase?

STORE WORKER:
Sorry, we need a receipt - because it's a part exchange.

ME:
We just need to swap a bin lid that doesn't work, for one that perhaps does? Does it have to be a Part Exchange?

STORE WORKER:
I can look up your receipt on our system?

ME:
Great. Do you need our Family Card?

STORE WORKER:
No, I just need the last 4 digits of your credit card.

ME:
Okay it's--

STORE WORKER:
...And the date of purchase.

ME:
I haven't got that.
Or the receipts.

Well, we do - they're in a pile in the dresser. Which, as you also know look like one stream of heidertreidertrondheimEtomuderBattersprart.

We get it.

We're here to be rinsed for cash, and feel good about the stuff that'll end up in landfill.

Via the bin that doesn't even work.

For myself, for being here and the choices I make, it's one star.

Come gather round its little twinkle.



Previous post...
They're called Loyalty Cards, but I've got 14 of them and 106-112 other Great British Dad worries #BritishDadStuff


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Monday, 6 March 2017

They're called Loyalty Cards, but I've got 14 of them and 106-112 other Great British Dad worries #BritishDadStuff




Thoughts, ideas, dreams and worries in my head this week.


Monday 6 March
Daddanomics: 3 trips to the furniture store plus 5 years equals 2 runs to the tip.

Tuesday 7 March
I need someone to double-dare... Not cajole.

Wednesday 8 March
I'm an Ideas Farmer.
I want to produce on a mass scale, but I am an Organic Ideas Farmer.
They need a lot of manure to grow.



Thursday 9 March
They're called Loyalty Cards.
I've got 14 of them.
Where's the loyalty?

Friday 10 March
Funny how "It's downhill from here" automatically means getting worse, not getting easier.

Saturday 11 March
When someone takes the conversation to "Get a grip!"
Things are not good.
Really not good.
For them.

Sunday 12 March
Of course it's a little overwhelming.
It's only the rest of your life.


Previous post...
Stealing Yet Another Story From My Daughter For My Website #BritishDadStuff


I keep a whole year's worth of 365 Great British Dad Thoughts right here.

Or you can follow me on Twitter here... Thanks.

Sunday, 5 March 2017

Stealing Yet Another Story From My Daughter For My Website #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you steal yet another story from your daughter to put online.


Onec upon a time there was a lost girl in the forest she had a horse her name was Katie and her horeses name is isbella.

Katie and isbella worked Together. then there was a huge catsle in Front of them they went inside the doors.
there were lots of golden stuff there. Katie said Woah this is so cool.
She said.
they looked down everything.

there were steps there they went up the steps. When they got to the top of the steps. they sore a soft chair. Katie sated on it but then the peopl hwo lived there went back.

When she went in she sore foot steps. it went to the steps. then she went up the steps.

When she got up the steps she sore Katie in her chair.

She said hey thats my chair but Katie said sorry to her. then she said again thats ok, but Why are you here. Katie said

Again because I Was lost in the Woods.
oh said she.

they told each ofors names so Katie said her name.
my name is Katie then the uthor person told her name
my name is nailer.
hello nailer said Katie. hello said Katie said nailer.

and then they werer best friends forever. so they lived in the catsle Together.

The End.

©Great Story Team Ltd. 2017

Previous post...
School of Roars writer Cbeebies


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Saturday, 4 March 2017

School of Roars writer Cbeebies



I try to keep a log on this site of the shows I'm working on, so here goes with this one.

Writer: SCHOOL OF ROARS
Dot to Dot Productions for Cbeebies


Series bible work and episode scripts for the Cbeebies animated comedy series, about Year R (or maybe that's Year Aaagh) of a school for little monsters. Starring Kathy Burke, Andrew Scott and Sarah Lancashire.

Really lovely series to work on because funnily enough, it's not such a leap translating 5 year-olds' lives into spooky events.



Wobbly Tooth (ep 1.7)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b08g543x/school-of-roars-series-1-12-growling-up



Growling up (ep 1.12)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b08g543x/school-of-roars-series-1-12-growling-up


Funny Bones

Moon Day

Time Capsule

The Old Scooter

It's Itchlings




Previous post... Why do other families' homes smell so different? #BRITISHDADSTUFF

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Friday, 3 March 2017

I did a personality profile. For my kids, I’m a complete INFP. #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you do a personality profile. Twice.


I don’t know how I got here, but I found this great site that fires some questions at you and then delivers your Myers-Briggs personality type.

Try it out now (if it’s still working):
https://discovermyprofile.com/personality.html

There’s a thing called the Big 5 personality types.

I’d always knew I am an introvert but I didn’t know how I scored on the other 4.

And now I do.

Look how neurotic I am.

85%

The clue was that I did the test once, and scored 75%, but am so neurotic that I did it again and it came out as 85%.

So for my kids, and for history, I’m pasting in the results that came with that score.

It’s not my copyright, and so I’m really worried about pasting it in.

Because I score 85% on the Neuroticism charts.

If you do the test -- take the 4 letter code you’re given, and replace the INFP with it in the address of this link, to find out more:

https://www.16personalities.com/isfp-personality


Anyway, here's me in 4 letters.

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics. They seek an external life that is in keeping with these values. Loyal to the people and causes important to them, INFPs can quickly spot opportunities to implement their ideals.

They are curious to understand those around them, and so are accepting and flexible except when their values are threatened. They have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything.

Openness:
62%
Conscientiousness:
34%
Extraversion:
48%
Agreeableness:
44%
Neuroticism:
85%


Openness
Openness to experience describes a dimension of personality that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people.

This trait refers to the extent to which people prefer novelty versus convention. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is intellectually curious and appreciative of what you consider beautiful, no matter what others think. You might say that your imagination is vivid and makes you more creative than many others.

Conscientiousness
Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses.

This trait refers to the extent to which people prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is spontaneous and fun, and that you like to do unexpected things that make life that bit more interesting. You might say that you aren't completely unreliable, but you've been known to slip up on occasion.

Extraversion
Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world, versus being comfortable with your own company.

This trait refers to the extent to which we enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who enjoys and actively seeks out social occasions, but would say that they're not everything. You might say that sometimes it is nice to step back for a while and have a quiet night in.

Agreeableness
Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony.

This trait refers to the way people express their opinions and manage relationships. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who gets along with people well, especially once they have proved themselves trustworthy to you. Your responses suggest that you do have a healthy scepticism about others' motives, but that doesn't stop you from considering others to be basically honest and decent.

Neuroticism
Neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative emotions.

This trait refers to the way people cope with, and respond to, life's demands. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who reacts poorly to stressful situations, and consequently worries more than most about them. However, you are someone that has an emotional depth that others lack.


Previous post...
My bedside table is a metal filing cabinet #BritishDadStuff


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Thursday, 2 March 2017

My bedside table is a metal filing cabinet #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you have a go at a bit of interior design, and generally hurt yourself in the night.


I've got a new bedside table.
It's a 6-drawer metal filing cabinet.
But I can't decide how to label the drawers.

Need a shaver charger?
Shh, I'll just slide one out while the Other Half is
(CLANG!) asleep. (THUD!!)

You got it.
Another book to read before dozing off?
(DOOF DOOF CLUNK!)

There it is. No, not that drawer... (DUNG)
That one. (DONK!) No, it's it's here (CLANG CLUNK!) somewhere.

Shaver stuff, charger leads, books.
(CLUUUUNK)
That's it.
That's all I need storing.
And I've still got 3 drawers left over. (CLONK)

To be honest, I don't know why I got this.
I managed to keep it all pushed back on the floor, out of foot's reach.

And if I roll over too hard... (DONNNK)

I thought it would be shabby chic, but maybe that's the minor concussion talking.


Previous post...
My son's playground assistant gave him a card. Where’s her extended news report? #BritishDadStuff


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Wednesday, 1 March 2017

My son's playground assistant gave him a card. Where’s her extended news report? #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you realise you’re not exactly giving out awards to the people who deserve them.


My son's playground assistant gave him a birthday card.
And a sweetie.

And the words she wrote inside were meaningful.
They also cost actual money.
I can't imagine what her earnings are.
And it's part-time.

And yet here we are, obsessing about attention-seeking crazymakers who want the world to know that the world revolves around them.
That unique form of disagreeable Alpha.

And... did we just build a whole system - our whole society - around them to reward that?

What if we write about (and tweet and status update) the people we like in our lives?

That person who comes round to do cat sitting when you're away. The kind blood test nurse who distracts you when the needle is in.

The person on the other end of the tannoy, who lets you out the carpark for nothing because your ticket is bent.

The train guard who delays closing the doors for a moment because they see you running down the platform. The stranger who picks up your elderly relative because he's fallen over in the street.

The call centre worker who chuckles, momentarily forgetting about their time target now dropping like a stone because you can’t get some details in front of you.

The teacher who ignores the Department of Education performance figures to just take an extra day to go through something that won't be "on the test". The shop worker who lets you off because you're a few pence short - even though their manager wouldn't like that.

The guy at the tip who gives you a few rubble bags, against the cleaning multinational’s directives to run the place for profit.

Yeah.
All of those.

The ones we don’t “take to facebook” to sound off about.

All those heretics and acts of non-compliance in our lives.

But we choose to obsess over self-appointed attention-seekers in the news instead? That's okay.

But what if it's giving them exactly what they want, and means we forget and ignore the kind kind of people in our lives we should be calling out instead?

I know this is the wrong thing to say, because it invites risk... but what if we're not so helpless, and things aren't that bad.

What if that’s what we're really scared of.

Not starting those things within our control, so we can fret about everything else instead?



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Data gathering by big companies will slander my Wife for having a pointy head #BritishDadStuff


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Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Data gathering by big companies will slander my Wife for having a pointy head #BritishDadStuff



You know you are a Great British Dad when...
...you treat yourself to the next episode of the box set that is your Wife’s dreams.


(NB guess this is the sequel to her being-boxed-in-our-sideways-house nightmare)

INT. OUR BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

DAUGHTER is performing a puppet show at the end of the bed with all her soft toys and an American accent.

My LONG-SUFFERING WIFE turns to me with her “WICKED - the Musical” mug of tea (that she made for herself).

LSW:
You know all that data the companies are gathering on us? I had a dream last night that some cosmetics company had it on their file that I had a pointy head.

ANGLE ON: Me. I have nowhere to go with this.
With my “I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS” mug of tea. (That she made for me).

LSW:
And I found out because I went to another cosmetics company, and they said that I couldn’t have their product because I have a pointy head. And I’m telling them that I don’t have a pointy head, but I’m in their system as having a pointy head so I can’t have the product. And then I said, look, you can see that I don’t have a pointy head, but that wasn’t good enough. So I had to provide photographic proof that my head isn’t pointy, and when they get that, they changed my details to say that I don’t have a pointy head.

ME:
Did you get the product.

LSW:
Yes.

ME:
That’s brilliant. Can I write that down?

LSW:
Okay.

ME:
If I publish it, then it’s out there that your head isn’t pointy.

LSW:
That’s okay.

ME:
I’m just data-gathering.


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Its at times like this I think, what would the women from the Blurred Lines video do? and other British Dad Thoughts 99-105 #BritishDadStuff


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