Friday, 2 December 2016

The Night I Shaved My Head Forever #BritishDadStuff



You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you have got all your own hair. In handfuls. On the floor.


I don't think I've ever written about this: the first night I shaved my head, forever.

CAPTION:
London. My flat. The landing. 8th April 2003. 19:32

SHUFFLING THROUGH THE REMINGTON BOX PLASTIC HAIR GUIDE CLIPS.
LIKE A HAMFISTED SNIPER.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
Baldy is going for it. Let's do it.
Where's a 1. I'll go for a number 1.

ANGLE ON: MEASUREMENTS EMBOSSED ON MORE HAIR GUIDES.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
Is a number 1 point one inch... or one m.m.?

ANGLE ON: 0.5MM

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
Half a millimetre. That'll do it.

DOWN GOES THE TAPER ARM.
READY FOR THE HIT.
LIKE A PRO.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
And no taper. So... this is it.

REVEAL: ME IN THE MIRROR. NAKED FROM THE WAIST UP.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
No more visits to Ben. Feels like I'm cheating on him.

A CHUNK COMES OFF THE SIDE. IT FLOATS TO THE CARPET.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
No going back now. God, I'll miss those chats.
If your Ex is using him now, it's time to move on.

HALF A HEAD'S WORTH IS GONE. I STARE IN SHOCK.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
Man...

MY POV: THE BARE LIGHTBULB ABOVE.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
I can feel it from here.

SWINGING MY HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE, COMPARING FEELING THE HEAT FROM THE LIGHT.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
Shaved. Normal. Shaved. Normal. (THEN) Huh.

I MOVE INTO THE BATHROOM. THE REST COMES OFF.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
Oh my God. I'm free. (RUBS HEAD) Shaved blonde.

MY POV: A PILE OF HAIR IN THE SINK.

ME:
(VOICEOVER)
Is that still blonde?

SCOOPING OUT A CLUMP OUT BY HAND.

ME:
(OUT LOUD, A LA CHAS AND DAVE)
Hair, hair, hair, hair, I've got none on me noddle.

(DANCING OUT ONTO LANDING)
But I don't care as down the road I toddle.

(KICKS CLUMP ON FLOOR, BUT MISSES)
The girls all shout, here comes the thoroughbred,
But I don't care, I've got no hair.
Proud of me old bald head!

(SCRATCHES FURIOUSLY)
AhhhHHH.


Previous post...
Why do other families' homes smell so different? #BRITISHDADSTUFF


My complete guide to Understanding Your British Dad is coming together here

All about me, and getting these by email.