Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Hello, how are you? How to get the best from the worst phonecall, or anyone #BritishDadStuff
You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you've got to book an appointment with someone who sounds like they hate you and every other caller.
I had to book a completely routine appointment.
I called the number at a major Big City hospital far away - even though it's for an appointment in my town.
I book it and I've not done this before, so I ask where was it.
"Well I don't know, do I. I'm based at the Big City Hospital."
(TRY AND KEEP IT BRIGHT)
"Um, sorry, but do you know where it is or where I'm supposed to go?"
"No, I just told you. I'm not in your town. I'm in the Big City Hospital, in the Big City."
(MY VOICE NOW STRAINING WITH SPRINGINESS).
"Okay, well... this has been great!"
And I hang up.
You know when a chat ends, and it was not good for either of you?
It was one of those.
Believe it or not, I don't go into the world to spread misery.
And now I'm paranoid.
Shouldn't she have checked my contact details?
Ask me my date of birth?
Did that appointment even just get booked?
And it gets worse.
I told my LSW (Long-Suffering Wife) about it and she said we wouldn't be back in our town that early and yes I would have to call back the Big City Hospital to change it to a different time.
"But I'm scared.
She might snap at me again.
Maybe the X-rays zapped her too much."
"Sorry, you've just got to do it. "
And I'm on hold, daydreaming Danny Boyle's Olympics Ceremony Tribute to the NHS having dithery know-nothings being told off by entitled jobsworths for not knowing their system.
We didn't see them because we didn't know where to find them and missed the appointment.
And then it hit me: I need to go completely crazy happy on this call.
"How are you?"
said like we'd been sleeping together for the month.
"I'm good thanks!"
The sheer force of energy I think I heard is making her smile.
"I need to check an appointment please!"
I said like a six year-old doing role play in the Home Corner.
"What's the name?"
I've got to front this out. She'll know it's me.
So I spelt it out, making the phonetics as saucy as possible.
"M for Mother, O for OMG! S for sex-ahy, another S for some more sex-ahy, E for... Elephant Man, Y for... Yes."
(I ran out by the end).
Got the appointment moved - over to the Big City Hospital.
I went too far.
So now I'm one month into my experiment:
Every single time I talk to someone in person or on phone, I always try
"Hello, how are you?"
(I only forgot to do it once, and that thing happened in the supermarket).
It's still working.
Today I got a free coffee.
Tell me why... I don't like Cyber Mondays #BritishDadStuff
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And how are you?