Wednesday, 5 October 2016

My Energy Company Always Answers Fast Then Puts Me On Hold For 20 Minutes. But are these pigeons gay? #BritishDadStuff

You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you resign yourself to being put on hold by a profit-driven company to make even more profit.

In August, my Energy Company sent me a bill that estimates I used 37 units of gas in 11 days.

37 units of gas in the middle of Summer.

I don't even know what 37 units of gas is.

But I've seen enough of their made-up bills to know the heating's off and we haven't got a gas hob.

I'm now worried that my Energy Company is in some kind of financial trouble.

And I'm thinking how can I help my Energy Company make more money in the Summer - so they stop hassling me.

Maybe they could get us to cook more gas intensive dishes - liked Baked Alaska, or make up some summer slow-cooking recipes (instead of my "estimated" bills...)

Maybe my Energy Company could get into the BBQ sauce business.

(But I've got a sad feeling they'll screw it up when they guesstimate the recipe quantities).

Or it could get a Summer job.

They're an energy company AND they do a bit of gardening on the side.

They'd be all over that electric strimmer - ker-ching!

But at least the hedges would get done.

So anyway, I'm now on the phone to them when I realised - ten minutes into the call - what they do every time I call.

They put me on hold.

They answer really quickly - instantly almost - and every time it gets to the bit where they need to "check their computer" I'm there like a chump for 20 minutes.

I called them so much that I know they put me on hold so they can answer other calls quickly. And they know I've got skin in the game so that I'm not going to hang up.

So now I'm resigned to watching 2 pigeons on the roof.

It's a beautiful hot day.
Of course they're gonna wanna park their claws on the house blowing 37 units of pretend gas.

I can't tell if these two pigeons are fighting or making love.

The T-Rex Hold Music loops round again, and these two pigeons look like they've got the same plumage.

Are they both males?

I'm on hold trying not to get rinsed for 1175kWH in a heat wave.
(I know what 37 units means now)

But I don't know if these are boy birds banging each other or 'banging' each other.

Maybe if I spent more time looking at Nature instead of my estimated energy bills, I might appreciate a bit more the Wonders of this World.

Marc Bolan stops spinning in his grave, and the call centre worker comes back on the line.

She can confirm that they can accept my meter reading now, but no.

She doesn't know if the two pigeons on my roof are displaying dominance or doing it.

My complete guide to Understanding Your British Dad is coming together here

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Showing My Kids 1970s Scary Public Information Films About Strangers And Crossing The Road - #BritishDadStuff

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