Monday, 24 October 2016
I always walk around with my flies hanging down #BRITISHDADSTUFF
(A new character I've developed for Cbeebies)
You know that you are a Great British Dad...
...when you realise that you are always hanging low.
My flies are always hanging down.
I sit down and I suddenly realise I'm opposite the Mum trying to get her baby to latch on her chest and I don't want to move.
I don't want to come off all Nigel Farage and look like I'm leaving in disgust.
So now I'm sitting there and looking down because she is struggling and clearly needs some privacy and I'm looking down and my flies are hanging down.
I don't know why they're called flies.
It must be a thing about men's things not being clean...
but my zipper is down, the cage is open.
And I need to lockdown the zoo.
I do this every day.
Not sitting opposite nursing mums expressing over their lattes, but walk around with my flies hanging down.
My LSW (Long-Suffering Wife) is convinced it will get me into trouble one day.
I'm like the woman with her bra hanging out, except there's something more wrong about the man walking round with his zipper gaping open.
I just need a combo with the mega-fly-hole in my Gap boxer shorts and I am millimetres from committing an offence.
In all senses.
I am not as obsessed with it as I should be, with making sure it's done up.
But it is one of those biggest fears that my Wife has:
that when I'm outside I'll "forget myself".
When I do "forget myself" I have to do them up as brazenly as I can.
I don't want to be seen doing them up furtively.
I am not like a 1970's BBC presenter.
Jeans technology has moved on since then.
My complete guide to Understanding Your British Dad is coming together here
How I ruined our family day out with a tweet #BRITISHDADSTUFF
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