Sunday, 1 January 2012

Raw Dad Stuff - everything from my DadDesk



When something like this happens... you reach for the camera, or the hoover?

Me too.

These are my Dad Lessons For My Kids to browse at their leisure,
and then ignore.

Also, kids, if you're reading this in the future, trying to give you a glimpse into the kind of stuff I dealt with while you were growing up.
DAD LESSONS FOR MY KIDS - #1 The Petrol Station.

You can't use your mobile in a petrol station forecourt.

But you can sell barbecue coal, lighter fluid and firestarter briquettes.

- The Phone Book -

BT British Telecom Phone directory phonebook

Life in 2012:

Ah... Its like having milk delivered.

Or a rubiks cube.

If you're seeing this in the future kids,

it's a “Phone” “Book”

put through the “letter”-box.

- 8 Rejected daughter names -

The Tamperer

Aids Ribbon

Chris M ‏@Nat_vegasgirl
hubs wanted to call daughter Truly Scrumptious. And son Oliphant Thor Endeavour. He got Nathalie & Thomas. Christ my kids owe me

we asked our then 8 yr old to think of new babys name, she just made up names, my faves; waxoon, breath and bun! none used
...noon, Leece, zoon, Moonen, Breaken, Dinnerm, Cheel... we called her Stevie
I wanted to call my now non-sleeping 3 1/2 week old Siri. Overruled. Amelia it is.

(click here to leave a comment)

- Optimistic Shelf Edge Labelling -

cow & gate growing up milk, cow and gate

Life in 2012:

I love this optimistic shelf-edge labelling.

Because when someone needs to steal baby milk, this will really make them think twice.

- Harsh Financial Reality -

Life in 2012:
The double-dip recession in the UK bites deeper.

As a reminder of how tough things are financially at the moment:

The £5 option makes a welcome return to our local cashpoint.

- Daddanomics -

Life in 2012:
Last week I worked for two hours to be able to afford to spend half an hour with you in Caffe Nero.

Dads do sums like this.
It's called Daddanomics.
(alright, turns out no-one has ever used this word before according to Google... so what do I know.)

- Recreating that Athena Poster -

When you're a Dad, you lose perspective and go a little nuts.

You lose sleep and go a little nuts.

(pic credit)

Which means you end up in the kitchen with your cameraphone trying to recreate the Athena “Man Holding Baby” poster.

And your other half is fed up because she knows it's a dumb idea, and had even less sleep.

And the baby isn't ready, and had even less sleep, and is weeing all over you.

But it's worth it.

Kind of.

was dreading the tennis poster...

- Mummy's Computer

It's a dishwasher.

Whatever you do, don't call it “Mummys Computer”.

- Setting the clock on a Lamona oven -

Life in 2012:
Here’s how to set or change the clock on a Lamona oven.

Hold down the first two buttons on the left, and use the + or - to set the time.

It's not funny and by the time you see this, it’s probably not much use to you either.

But at least I know where I can find the answer now.

I get at least 2 hits per day from people searching for this. Leave me a comment if it helped - click here or on comments below

- Google is optimistic

Life in 2012:

Google is an optimist.

It says my account is 8% full,

rather than 92% empty.

- Words I have had to add manually to my android phone dictionary

Life in 2012:
Why can't you type simple words like "at" and "go" into the android keyboard and have them come up as predictive text?

I don't know. But here's some other words I've had to add to the phone's in-built dictionary myself.

Blimey (no idea why I gave it a capital B)
BS (for the BS generator here)
ciabatta (this is just a made up bread in the UK, right?)
dibs (as in "first"?)
eol (toddler loves ELO and can't get the letters out quick enough)
EOP (end of part, or end of play)
funnily (is this a quaint UK local word?)
gurned (okay, this is a quaint UK sport)
headsup (I know. Even close friends hate this noun.)
Herne (as in Bay)
jammie (as in dodger)
Magnum (a key component of my regular food intake)
nobbing (I know that Android has purged all swearing... but nobbing?!)
rhapsody (see Bohemian)
sesh (alright, I hate myself now)
tea (yes, tea. This phone was not made for the UK)
texted (is that not a word that exists?)
tube (had to check this twice. There's tuber, but no tube in Android language)

ungry (think this was from writing my Pipkins tribute post...)
ydy (so much friendlier than yesterday)

- Motorway Theatre -

When driving on the motorway, don't you ever wonder if the skid marks on the road
ended successfully?

Love mood of motorway after passing a crash.

People are slower, courteous.

Then new cars join aggressively, and we're all like “don't you know
what we've just been through”?

“Rubbernecking” is such an ugly term.

“Motorway Theatre” is more like it. (Or "Freeway Theater" if you're in the States).

- Watching The News songs-

When you're older, can you forgive your Dad for breaking into the tune
of KLF every time the news mentions the IMF?

Or Chaka Khan every time it mentions Dominique Strauss-Kahn

And the repeats, when they flip midstory.


- Watches -

Look as many times as you want.

Mechanical dates on watches will never, ever, ever be correct.

- The stairs -

Life in 2012

What's to go upstairs:
why can't elephants jump book,

- Alcoholism -

Alcoholism is a cruel word.

It makes you sound drunk when you say it.

Dad Lessons For My Kids - Fella

Life in 2012:
I bought my new season ticket on the train last night - on the day before the next one is due. I like doing this after I found that South West Trains staff get a commission on each one they sell.

It's a company with a monopoly that's free to increase its fares above inflation - so I like to help out its staff who probably take the abuse of people who are trapped by the monopoly and can't take their business anywhere else.

This morning, there were a couple of revenue control guards working through the train instead of the regular guard.

I smiled, handed over my wallet. Even gave a "morning".
What do I want, a medal?

"It's the 19th today fella."

Now, I'm sleep deprived, I've already bought a ticket, and I've got someone giving me body language by standing over me and calling me "fella".

Again, what do I want? A medal?

But "fella"?

Maybe he's being friendly and defusing the potentially embarrassing situation (for me) with an overly familiar "fella".

In that moment, sleep-deprived and processing it, I repeated back the "Fella" as I pulled out the right ticket to show him.

His body language changed, and he offered to take the old one away for me. It was a weird offer that was unnecessarily contrite.

It meant the "fella" was meant as an aggressive poke.

I'm 40, I've got tits, two kids and a mortgage.

I don't need to be called "fella".

- Sorry I hit your car note -

Life in 2012:

Someone hit the car while parked. And left a note with contact number.

It all checked out, and their company paid via insurance.

This is rare. Like an eclipse.

- Let's look at the morning papers -

Life in 2012:
Newspaper reviews on TV news channels.
We have a thing at the moment, where people look at what's in the "newspapers", on "24-hour-rolling-news" channels.

The funny thing is, the events were all covered (better) on the "24-hour-rolling-news-channel" over a day ago.

They've got, probably, in any given hour, 4 to 6 live satellite news gathering trucks.
Actually at the location of "news" that's happening right now.
And then they straighten their backs, and smile, and say "time for us to take a look at the morning papers..."

I paid my licence fee. I paid my subscription.
Let's not look at the morning papers...
Let's look at... I don't know... the morning.
You've got the live feeds coming in to you right now.
Over there.
I can see them. They're just over your shoulder.

But you're pointing your live cameras, at the paper.
On an article you covered yourselves.

Maybe they just want to take a break.

Maybe they are 23 hour 56 minute TV Rolling News channels.

-Songs I Haven't Yet Written -

"If the Daily Mail were a person, even I might smack them round the face."

I've got "petulant post-event finger-pointers" and "hounding cancer-girl Jade", but having a bit of trouble rhyming "judgemental" with "not helpful".

Blogs I haven't yet started -

Here are a bunch of ideas for blogs that I haven't started.

#1 Rastamouse Subtitles of the Day

If you haven't seen the subtitling of Rastamouse, you're missing one of the most delightful things on TV.

#2 Clayder-man Or Lang-Lang-man

Here's a bit of piano playing.

Using your skill and judgement, can you tell if it's (Richard) Clayderman, or (Lang Lang) Lang-Lang-man.

#3 Stuff that is on my stairs

#4 People who have to sit behind David Cameron when he gives a speech


How do you get a ticket for that gig?

Is it like the Olympics?


I think that they are all just using him to recreate that Bullingdon Club photo.


- On Jeremy Hunt on abortion -

Life in 2012:
Often find my attention span for views on abortion is influenced by whether or not they can pass a bowling ball between their legs.

- Cbeebies Ladies -

Got this lovely tweet this week.

It's lovely because it was so unexpected, and without agenda or criteria simply asks... top 3 Cbeebies ladies, name them.

On impulse and without pause for thought, out they flowed.

And without even giving it second thought, I'll bet that even the most jaded and sleep-deprived Dad in the UK would be able to name their top three too.

as a former physicist, I obviously have a soft spot for Nina Neuron. And obviously Kip and the captain of the Rhyme Rocket too

I used to have a massive crush on Justin when the girls were into cbeebies! And I had a top 3!!
1) Justin 2) Sid 3) The market man from me too! So over them now, they are like so 2010/11 :)

- Jewellery

All jewellery shops have scummy carpets.

It's deliberate, so when you look down, the rings look good.

- Helping my Dad into the Internet Age -

How the Internet or web breaks embargoes on court cases and injunctions in the UK

Life in 2012:
I love it when Dad phones to ask me what the Internet is saying about the thing that can't be reported in newspapers and on television.

We will never have this time again.

- Scenes from a Credit Crunch Wedding -

Life in 2012:

- No Mummy after 7pm -

Turns out best not to call Mummy, "Mummy", after 7pm.

- Toddlers dialling 999 -

Mummy heard her phone talking.

She picked it up.

"Which Emergency Service do you require?"

Our 18 month old toddler had pushed her chair up to the radiator cover, and dialed 999.

We said it was a mistake, but the operator said she'd already guessed that after having a nice chat with the toddler.

Turns out you can get away with it if you have a nice chat.

- How to keep the seat next to you free on the train -

Life in 2012:
Weirdest thing on the train.

If you make eye contact with people walking towards you down the aisle looking for a seat, they never sit next to you.

I've even made eye-contact with commuters who have got as far as turning to sit down and then for some reason think better of it and move somewhere else.

The only time this doesn't work is with people coming up the aisle from behind me, and men who are... how can I put this without sounding judgmental...

The kind of men who are comfortable enough to pull something like this out of their bag with their flask...

He then went on to eat a banana, in the tidiest way possible.

- Old People Sodcasting -

Life in 2012:
Old people hate youngsters playing tunes in public places on their phones.

It's called Sodcasting.

But youngsters are pretty tolerant of old people not knowing how to turn off their keypad tones when texting in public.

(NB Those clicks are coming from the phone. Not the old person's fingers.)

- Chatting up a deaf translator -

Chatting up a signer for the deaf while she is a work is the hardest thing a man can do.

Watching Cbeebies with my kids, and I recognised the deaf signer above as someone I (THINK) met at work in 2002 (while working at Rise. Sorry, RI:SE).

I am now happily married to your mum. But back then, I had a meeting with a deaf producer who was going to lip translate some footage for us.

But all I really wanted to was talk to her signer (or translator - not sure what the right word is. Maybe I should've been paying more attention).

Turns out, it's really bad form to talk to the translator, especially a professional one who is there merely to sign and speak for the person you're supposed to be talking with.

And it was a shame, because she really had a great sense of humour:

At the end of the meeting, I was making some lame small talk - just trying to drag out our time together in the hope that I could finally talk to that translator.

I asked the Deaf Producer if she was heading back into the office and she said that she was going home instead.
"Is it far?"
"No, just Harrow-On-The-Hill. Or, just outside it."

Feebily I mumbled
"What, like Harrow-Off-The-Hill."

And, god bless her, the translator sold this off the cuff comment by hand acting out "Harrow-OFF-The-Hill".

The translator sold my limp bit of miscommunication and made the Deaf Producer laugh.

I never saw her again, until this week when I saw her on Cbeebies.

(Looking at this, "signer for the deaf" looks like "singer for the deaf" which just looks weird...
...And do the adult channels have to have signers too?)

- Elderly People Crossing Signs -

She's groping his bum.

It says Elderly People crossing, but she is groping his bum.


I love how all Elderly Crossing signs around the world show an apparently heterosexual couple crossing the road.

And I love how he is the one leading.

It’s courteous.

Even though he clearly has difficulty walking.

What kind of cow is that "woman" behind him?

Maybe the figure behind is a transvestite.

Forgive me, I'm making all kinds of assumptions...

For all I know that figure in front could be a woman too.

Think this one is from South Korea.


Here's one from Canada.


This is the Japanese one.


And here it is in Welsh.


The Man (or the male-dressed/moustacheoed one) always looks like he's leading.

Maybe that generation of road sign stick person doesn't feel comfortable being out as a same sex couple.

Here are some of your replies...

@beaappleby I always find it a bit sad. Nowadays couldn't they be enjoying their retirement? Could he hold a silhouette of a golf club?

@beaappleby For her: maybe a carrier bag? She's taking something back to Next, he's dropping her off on the way to golf. Happy days.

Maybe she’s exchanging that black housecoat for another black housecoat.

@beaappleby I would also prefer to see them more erect. Maybe she does pilates now and her posture is improved. Why stoop?

@antbryan Like the way chap with stick, and unsteady pins, pushed to front. 'Sweet lord them cars are fast. After you dear'.

@NikkiJShepherd either that or she's going for his pension

- Baby Haircut.


Had to do it, had to do it,

He's my one and only son & heir.

Had to do it, had to do it,

Now we given him Victoria Wood hair.

And for the girl...

We've managed to bring hers round to the glory days of John Gorman circa the height of his days with The Scaffold.

- One Way Escalators -

Department stores, book and clothes shops are cruel.

They have a nice escalator up to the first floor...

...and a staircase to get back down again.

"But I bought something!"

You gotta walk.

- I Am Nineties Man

I am Nineties Man.

The benchmark set for us by the sunset legacy media industries was Jesse Birdsall.

No furniture.

No portion control.

I wanted to be like him.

(after wanting to be like Eighties Man, the easy-like-Sunday-morning-Halifax man).

- Subtle hints from the supermarkets -

It's almost like my Clubcard is trying to tell me something.

Like that I am maybe a fat sod.

Tesco can be very chilling as well:

Tesco Youre Next sign, you're next, chilling sign, store supermarket line queue, directional signage

And this from comedian Paul Foot's facebook page
"A tragic receipt."

Got any more? Leave a comment below (by clicking here) or tweet me @neilmossey

Did once see in pound shop a sign saying "Looking to quit?" right next to bottles of lube. Wish I'd taken a pic now.

VIA @Herccrew3
Please note, Cat milk does not come from cats.

See also: Optimistic Shelf Edge Labelling)-

- Ciabatta is the emptiest of all the breads -

Ciabatta is the emptiest of all the breads

You cut into it, and it is just bubbles.

There is more bubble than bread.

How much did I pay for this?

Two quid.

Get outta here.

The baker invented a way to sell air, in bread form.

This is not a loaf.

It is an oxygen container.

Divers should take down a couple of ciabatta sandwiches with them.

They would be able to breathe for a long time.

But would they would die through hunger.

- When shops leave the security tag on -

Life in 2012:
You will buy clothes, and get them home, and then find they haven't taken the security tag off them.

You'll end up overcompensating while returning security tagged clothes.

Like “being obvious” and “holding aloft” are both proof of purchase.

And wanting to be snotty that you've got to come back and do this, but not being able to be properly snotty, because until they've taken it off, the thing somehow isn't really yours.

And unless shop security tags become an intentional fashion statement in the future (like leaving the labels on baseball caps), you'll have to do that walk of shame-but-I've-got-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of-I've-bought-this-I-know-it's-still-tagged-but-I-paid-money-for-it-honest-I've-got-the-receipt-in-here-somewhere.

Sainsburys security tag detector

If it does turn out you've grown up to be shoplifters:

Give your kids things to hold, then put them on your shoulders so they hold it above the tag detectors as you walk out.

- Fish Pedicure -

dad blog

Turns out those places where the fish nibble at your feet are USELESS on beer guts.

- Equal amounts of dinner for your other half -

Always have a dilemma while cooking in a relationship: on where do we stand on giving equal food amounts for girlfriends?

Huge equal bowls.

Or more appropriate (but unfair) quantities?

(Just noticed the Tombliboo in the picutre.
It is a Tombliboo. Not my Other Half.)

When I put this on twitter, here are some of the replies:

If it's early on less but long-term it needs to be so equal that you may need to weigh the portions! :)

If it's a tasty dish, I pad Mrs Ant's plate out with a 'nice side salad'.

I have an "I cooked it, so I get the biggest prawns" rule. A) if there are prawns and B) if I've cooked it.

dont get me started. Such is the effort in our house to have equal (huge) portions,I've put on a stone since moving in together

Huge equal bowls! Standard.

I'm the cook, so I'm in charge :)

the article by @YoniFreedhoff on appropriate portion sizes:
(LOVE idea of correlating my cooking by height! A combined tape scale contraption +a carol vorderman equation to work out share)

I usually put this out to consultation at point of prep and then again at the point of serving. I did consider postal ballot...

why not just ask how much the other person wants? Or let them serve themselves.

Regarding the food thing, serve everything in bowls at the table and everybody can help themselves. Simples.

- Women saying goodbye to each other -

When women say goodbye to each other,
it's usually the start of about 10-25 minutes of the exact opposite.

See you
Thanks for a lovely time
We must do this again some time
Yes, let's.
You must come round to ours
We mustn't make it so long next time
I'll call you later
That'd be lovely
See you
Ooh you've forgotten your card
I'll get it next time
Let's make that soon
That's nice, take care
Drive safely
We will, you get in now, you'll get cold
Take care
See you


Men are so rude.

@curtainqueen Like a courtship ritual, without the end result. Men just rattle their keys & leave. This is why us wimmins need our friends :-)

- Why Mummy banned Fireman Sam -

Mummy banned Fireman Sam, because one too many times our son called mummy "MAM".

We are not Welsh.

Or, as she put it: "I'm not Norman Price's Mum"


Being a cartoon script editor working on American co-productions, a lot of time's spent trying to tone down Americanisms in the dialogue (sorry, dialog).

Trying to purge words like Math, 911, Fall season, smores, Mac n Cheese, or my personal worst: candy.

But when parents (like myself) moan about US dominance in English language shows, we forget about the other regional phrases and idioms:

Look at this one, the way every episode of ME TOO! is introduced:

Come away in with you.

What does that even mean?

Who cares? Kids get what she's saying.

So maybe complaints about Americanisms risk being about all kids shows sounding correct in Southern England.

That'd be a foine day in Canada, Ireland, New Zealand, Australia etc. etc. etc.

- Argos Insurance Optimism -

Life in 2012 - Business optimism:

Trying to buy a 20 quid popcorn maker in Argos,

and being asked if I'd like to take out an insurance plan.

- The Gayest Place in the Universe -

If pushed to name the Gayest Place in the Universe,

I would say it is ‘Zara Man’ at Barcelona Airport.

I bought a nice coat there.

It was a leather jacket with a jersey-fabric hood built in.

- The Classified Ad Break -

Life in 2012:
We have a thing called Local Papers, which have a section called The Classified Ads.

Here's a Classified Ad Break...

(...from a show I made with John Gordillo called The Recommended Daily Allowance - full series here.).

Here are some of the ads, with more added.

PORTALOO plus melamine crockery, very cheap.

Furniture for sale. £95 Per item.

IN BOX. good condition. £10.

Grave for sale. Offers.

Drop side cot with mattress. Easy erection and storage for grandparents visitors.

I'M SELLING a Sanyo TV. Or 3.

Language course.

Writing Desk.
w r i t i n g.
(VIA @Caroline_Gold THANKS!)

Large stocks of Sellotape. it has hundreds of uses.

Lady required to groom and look after horses. In return for riding.

Very comfy sofa for £30. No... wait, £40, YES £40.

PAPER CLIPS. (got anything like this in your local rag?)

Ahhhh. Never been worn wedding dress.

- The couple of sinks couple -

Life in 2012:
Property porn programmes like Grand Designs usually show "His and Hers" bathroom sinks like it's some kind of luxury.

But actually it's twice the cleaning, and twice the mess.

What happened to separate bathrooms? Men are seriously elbowing things and I'd rather not wash beside one.

- Terrible poster ads for books -

Life in 2012:
I have no idea why poster ads for books are so... universally consistently bad.

Especially as, you know, it's in that whole printed medium that they're supposed to be good at.

I have never looked at a book on the basis of a poster ad.

Maybe I'm a tough crowd.

In the corner it says "BUY IT NOW"

Chances are, probably not.

- Santander Hat -

Life in 2012:
However tough things get at work,

getting paid doesn't yet depend on me wearing a hat

with Santander written on it.

- Top 10 Upsides Of Recovering From A Boris Bike Crash -

Face looks like a themed Google logo. Changes by the day.

Being known to a handful of healthcare professionals affectionately as ‘that bloke who had the Boris Bike crash’.

Talking like Louis Spence.

Chunks falling off face like an maxillofacial advent calendar. Festive.

Patronising kids in the supermarket who stare to ‘always wear a bike helmet’, like some kind of deranged 1950s superhero.

Looking like a vagrant whose stuff never gets touched. Also festive.

Hours spent concussed equals hours not spent hearing about Eurozone crisis.

Drinking through a straw makes 2 year old son feel superior.

Finally being able to look my hero Erik Estrada in the eye.
We both know what this is like.

Looking like a Hitler cat.
Or the bloke from Sparks.
Or Blakey from On The Buses.

- The influence of Carry On -

My Other Half said that Emperor Nero was gay.

It was then that we realised we'd learnt all our history from the Carry On movies.

By the way, this is how inside my head ACTUALLY sounds

- Andrew Marr Show Drinking Game -

#marrdrinkinggame #marr
So scoring below for the Andrew Marr Show Drinking game:

(NB Rules also valid on ITV News, most of Sky News, and BBC News Channel output).

"Let me be clear..." = 2 points

"Difficult/Tough choices" = 1 point

"It is the right thing to do..." = 1 point

Politician hand-jiving or air karate = 1 point per 10 'chops'

"We take this very seriously" = 1 point

"What's really important is. . ." = 1 point

"...back to the table" = 1 point

"What the [insert nationality] people want" = 1 point

"Let me just make my point..." = 1 point

"tough economic environment/climate/year ahead" = 1 point

Anything prefixed by "Look. . . " = 1 bonus point

@noseybassa @Patrixmyth @MummyInTheCity, @Sklblue


- Reflexology Rudeness -

Missus is trying to find my bits via reflexology.

It's a bit like fiddling with the remote control.

- Dealing with expired credit cards -

Life in 2012:
Modern Superstition -

Cutting up your expired credit card

and then slowly distributing the pieces out into different dustbins

(Because in your head, it's not enough that it's expired, or in bits.
Someone can still assemble it.
Best put it in more than one bin.)

- The worst infographic of 2012 -

Last minute contender for The Worst Infographic of 2012,
courtesy of linkedin and Shell.

Keep up with interesting, relevant updates about Shell.

Look at all those green arrows of something I'm missing out on.

- 100 things I love - PART 1 -

Here is my Complete List of 100 Things I Love... PART 1

Life in 2012:
Love the adrenalin from getting one shot at signing your credit card with a ballpoint pen.

Love that to make cleaning more effective, just call it cleansing.

Love builders talking like they're with coworkers.
To Gluegun: “He wants a good push"
“That nail, he needs sawing off”
Like it’s personal

Love calling someone on an old mobile phone number, and it still working.

Love that breasts are measured in inches. Not metres or other. "36D" is alright, but 'three foot'-D sounds, you know-proper.

Love the Johnny Cash lyric: "My name is Sue. HOW DO YOU DO."

Love how BBC Alba adapted Shaun the Sheep by just doing Vic Reeves in Gaelic at the beginning (try this link - it might work)

Love how mechanics always leave your driver's seat back like they are 9 feet tall.

Love that I hit a Twitter follower limit,
so had to unfollow @wossy and @rustyrockets.
I feel like the BBC Trust.

Love marker-pen drumming with my son to a Bangles Medley.
(Spend many other weekends marker-pen drumming with my toddler to THIS )


Love that the robotic arm on the Space shuttle is called the Canadarm, because that's where it comes from.

Words I like:
Upset - when it's used to mean 'spill'
Writ - always funny when it's used wrongly. Eg "It's what I writ."


- 100 things I hate-

Started a list of 100 things I love.

Here is the start of 100 things I hate.

Hate that I confuse Bruce Willis/Billy Joel, Gary Rhodes/Nigel Kennedy, Peter Kay/Chris Moyles, fajitas/burritos, Dean/Wardour St

Hate all buildings from the 1970s. There is not one that I like.
RT @rodhuntress Is there no warmth in your heart for this alienating dystopian masterpiece?

I once had to break up with someone, Neil, because they kept saying my name every 8 words. Neil, it was like a verbal chokechain.

Hate that people say they’ve been badly stung, when the wasp has actually done it quite well.

Hate when people see that I want to pass on the escalator & make me look rude by yanking their obstructing friend out of the way

Hate cleaning round the back of a Breville sandwich maker.

Hate still getting post for my Ex.

Hate Sunday trading laws.

"Keep Sunday Special".

Having to get shopping done by 4pm or be gouged feels really Special.

Hate when people say “take care”.
Like it puts the onus of responsibility onto me for my well-being.

And I hate the word onus.

Hate self-fulfilling prophesy:
“Don’t let me forget. I’ve put the beers in the freezer.”

~~~Other ones I've written, but not as lessons~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- Watching pre-school TV with you. -

dad blogsDad blog

Have to admit.

The only way I can get through "Zingzillas" and "The Tweenies",

is by daydreaming the mechanics of breeding a Zingzilla with a Tweenie.

- "Girl Bits" -

The hardest part of having a daughter baby, is coming up with the family word for 'girl bits'.

We've got willy and peanuts for the boy, but the girl?

(So I put it out on twitter to see what words everyone else used when they were growing up, and this is what came back.)

Me VS. Lang Lang's Dad

At the age of 3, Lang Lang's Dad vowed to make him the number 1 concert pianist in all of China.

I have taught my boy to sing the entire jingle package of Radio 2

- Stable Parental Relationship -

Dad blog

Your Mum and I are in a stable long-term relationship.

We’ve gone through three loo seats.



Why dont we have Metric Boobs in the UK?

(Answer here)

They always have "His & Hers" double bathroom sinks on Grand Designs, like it's some kind of luxury.

Isn't it, like, twice the cleaning?

Is this perhaps the worst piece of Queen’s Jubilee merchandise?

(Answer here)

Why are metal handled pots made of metal?

(Answer here)

What else can Camden Council clamp?

(Answer here)

What's the etiquette in paying for takeaways for hosts?

When you visit "for dinner" but then there's a clear expectation to split the bill?
(original post)

Why do I have... overriding urge... to write down... everything they say....

(toddler quotes here)


Men. Admit it. Using Sat Nav is essentially asking for directions.

Why not combine it with the stereo, to create The Singing Sat Nav?
(original post, and singing directions here)

Milton sterilizing fluid.

It cleans anything.
Seriously, why aren’t we putting this stuff on everything?
(original post)

NIKEA: Trainers you put together yourself.

(original post)

I want to use a land train as the family car.

(original post)

My Derren Brown stunt on the train.

If you make eye contact with people walking towards you down the aisle looking for a seat, they never sit next to you.
(original post here)

Time for a Classified Ad Break...

(Original post and more weird classified ads here - Got any more?!)

- Street SAD lamps -

DAD IDEAS- Street SAD Lamps -

Why don’t we put those Seasonal Affective Disorder bulbs into street lampposts?

- cheer everyone up - reduce crime.

- Free NHS Headgear -

As you can see, I cannot take 100% credit for this particular idea to save or make money.

Don't forget... I am a tightwad.


I’ll hunt across three shelves in the supermarket to save 30p...

EQUALS= council tax increases

...but when the Council Tax comes round... Here - have my bank account details.
(original post)

Why can't I use more words for "Great"?

dad blogs

(Pulled together my list of alternatives here.)


I love that we've got the biggest electrical plugs in the world.

It's like we've got the fattest power.
When it comes to 3-pin sockets, we are the most cumbersome.
(original post here)

Does everyone have a famous lookalike?

dad blog

This is mine... Fulham footballer Andy Johnson.
(original post here)


Basically, our kids destroying the house, one installation at a time, while we're not looking.

Which is your favourite?

Toddler Art #1 - Sprinkles

It started with: “Can you put that down. Please. No. You can't have any hundreds and.”

#2 - Green Crayon Squiggles at Sofa's End

#3 - Fence Behind Your Head

#4 - Artist with Permanent Red on Whiteboard

#5 - Freedom Corner

#6 - Pencil Food

#7 - Pencil Food Oh

#8 - Two Lines from my Doctor's Desk

#9 - Lines Behind the Dining

#10 - Hand Traffic Brown

#11 - Red Green Blue Hallway You

Artist with Red Green Blue Hallway You

#12 - Sofa Light Comms

#13 - Behind The Door...

#14 - Marks Behind Bars

#15 - Flat Wall or 3-D?

#16 - Green Around The Whiteboard

#17 - Brooklyn Bridge In Red
- New York In Red

#18 - Lines Ajar

#19 - Biro On Sofa

#20 - Sunset Media Horizon

But there's more...

Above, to introduce a third dimension, The Artist has placed a parting shot.

#21 - Crayon Mirror

In the absence of conventional artistic materials, The Artist not only comments on this through the use of a candle... but also eschews his favourite canvas of the wall, to introduce the dining room mirror as a backdrop.

Literally reflecting his work on whomever wants to view.
(It was also nearly impossible to capture this work on camera).

#22 - Hand Food Wall

This work creates and capitalises on negative space.

#23 - Pencil No Food

Almost as an answer to "Pencil Food", after the inevitable repainting The Artist embarked on "Pencil No Food".

Perhaps conveying a frustration or a dissatisfaction with the destruction of the earlier piece.

#24 - Hand Wall Food

Developing the themes of "Hand Food Wall", came this.

#25 - Artist with biro swirl


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  2. @EdamBall
    @NeilMossey I wanted to call my now non-sleeping 3 1/2 week old Siri. Overruled. Amelia it is.

  3. @Maribeeb
    I made husband sleep nearest the door out of kindness. He wouldn't need to walk too far when the kids woke up.

  4. @Sklblue ooh you missed "tough economic environment" and "tough year ahead" (but not for me)


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